Thursday, February 14, 2008

Aaaargh, Rickey's Back!

Rickey’s experiencing Sciatica! Sounds like a groovy science fiction film, doesn’t it? Well in a way, it is. The key difference here is that instead of travelling to strange alien worlds in a rocket ship, Rickey gets to drive from his primary care physician to spine specialists and play the “mother may I?” game with our nation’s byzantine healthcare system. Indeed, if Rickey’s chiropractor is to be believed, Rickey has apparently managed to inflame his sciatic nerve (at the ripe old age of 28, no less). But frankly, Rickey looks upon chiropractors as glorified triages, so we’re withholding judgment until Rickey meets with his team of medical specialists.

How does it feel? Well it’s certainly not the worst pain you’ll ever experience, (say, the kind of pain that one associates with their favorite baseball team spontaneously combusting in the month of September), but it still smarts a hell of a lot. The discomfort pretty much consists of sharp twinges in the lower back and left leg whenever Rickey stands up, sits down, or walks. But whenever Rickey sneezes, we’re talking “What Hath God Wrought?” levels of pain.

How did this happen? Well Rickey makes a point of living a remarkably sedentary lifestyle, so there was a very short list of possible causes of Rickey’s lower back pain. In other words, over exertion is definitely off the table. In fact, the only physically taxing activity Rickey partook in leading up to this calamitous event was a Guitar Hero III session on Tuesday night--specifically, a heated guitar battle between Rickey and Slash, which necessitated a lot of wild flailing of the Les Paul controller. Rickey strongly suspects that’s the cause of all this. Yes, you’re reading this right—Rickey fucked up his back playing Guitar Hero. That’s got to be a first.

And like any celebrity worth his salt, Rickey is now fervently campaigning to raise public awareness and sympathy towards his newfound ailment. So it’s all hand on deck for this one you bastards, because Rickey’s sciatic nerve certainly isn’t going to heal itself. Hot packs and anti-inflammatory medication only goes so far folks. Rickey needs your help and he needs it now, so here’s what you can do to remedy the situation:

1) Go outside right now and ring a bell. Whenever you ring a bell, Rickey’s sciatic nerve becomes less and less inflamed. Rickey spent hours perusing WebMD and the British Medical Journal to arrive at this conclusion (as well as confirming that he didn’t have syphilis) and we’re pretty confident that this is a good therapeutic starting point.

2) Give Rickey your sciatic nerve. C’mon, please? It’s not as if you’re using it or anything…. No? Fine then, that brings us to our last option:

3) The harvest of stem cells. Here’s how it will work: on the 15th Day of Nisan, Rickey will take to the skies in search of stem cells to repair his damaged sciatic nerve. The houses of Mets fans or registered Democrats will be passed over. Those not falling under these categories will have their firstborn taken so that Rickey can feast hungrily upon their stem cells, thereby healing his lower back.

So Happy Valentines Day from Rickey’s inflamed sciatic nerve! And with that, Rickey’s takes his leave to duck walk off to his PCP. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck…

[Posted at Humor-Blogs]

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10 comments:

houseofdny said...

Sorry about the back dude, my longtime best buddy Toasted Joe alerted me that you've joined the Sciatica achievers. Welcome! Cookies and punch are near the back of the room...

I joined in 1997 (I'm 34 now), when in the course of running up steps in my boots on a damp snowy December day, I felt something give in my lower back. At first it was just uncomfortable, by the end of the day I couldn't stand up straight. After my lumbar displacement was diagnosed, I noticed this pain extending from two points on the sides of my lower back, radiating down my legs and ending around the side of my calves. The worst was when one leg gave way while going down the stairs without warning.

The bad news:

It's completely easy to re-aggravate it if you don't take care of yourself. Take it from someone with both chronic upper and lower back issues, there is no pain like back pain, and if you don't take care, it's a lifelong relationship.

Forget about lifting heavy objects for the rest of your life, especially lifting above your head. I'm not saying you can't, I'm saying let someone else do it. I'm in the middle of my ninth week of rehab because I was stupid enough to go and help a friend in need move her shit. If your case is as bad as mine, get used to not being useful.

Exercises involving twisting and bending, including but not limited to basketball (the first way I've reaggravated over the 10 years) and football, pre-season conditioning exercises (the second way, no more relay races) and drunk twister, these are all out.

In the short term, sitting too long, standing too long, anything too long, will hurt. You may need to start sleeping on your side with a pillow between the knees also. Hopefully your girlfriend also likes something SOFT but firm poking her while spooning.

The good news:

Totally treatable. Stim and massage usually works best, and a good adjustment, plenty of different stretching and rehab exercises work, and since you're still young, good chance you'll heal up real soon, and missionary postion sex will again be an option, albeit a boring one in my opinion. I built myself back up to the point where I could have sex standing up and lifting up to about 120 lbs of woman off the ground, and likely you're stronger than me, but be careful.

Wishing you a speedy recovery, my friend. I'm here for any advice, and of course, have your back.

That was awful.

David said...

Tough luck for Rickey.

I've had sciatica off and on for years (fortunately more off than on) and, true, it is not the worst pain but it is miserable because it is about impossible to move without a stab of pain.

I hope Rickey’s Chiro or pcp recomends some physical therapy leading to an exercise regime as that is the only thing that finally worked for me.

Adam said...

Wow. I feel a lot better about my lupus!

Statler said...

The houses of Mets fans or registered Democrats will be passed over.

Fuck.

Mike said...

Damn, that sucks. Hope you feel better.

Meanwhile, cool stretch on the "Rickey Playlist" to the right of the post. Love that "Aeroplane Over The Sea," "Two-Headed Boy," "Holland 1945," "Ghost" stretch. Well done, sir.

When I'm not in the mood for the whole CD, I rock both parts of "King of Carrot Flowers" into "Holland 1945," and finish with "Ghost." Leaves with that weird, uplifted-but-bereaved feeling that only Jeff Mangum can give you.

Rickey Henderson said...

houseofdny: many thanks for the advice. Rickey's still waiting for the xrays to come back, but the doc's initial prognosis was indeed sciatica. Like you said, it's not the end of the world and is totally treatable. "Get used to not being useful", huh? That sounds like the sort of thing Rickey could really get on board with...

David: yep, Rickey will be doing the physical therapy gig twice a week. Electrodes and deep tissue massages ahoy!

Adam: you can keep your damned Lupus to yourself, thanks very much.

Mike: Rickey loves, loves, loves, NMH. For Rickey's money, it doesn't get any better than driving to work with "Holland, 1945" blasting through the speakers. Those guys need to get back together, and pronto.

Toasty Joe said...

Thanks for giving me yet another reason to hate "Guitar Hero." My condolences on the back, Rickey.

houseofdny said...

My sciatica, in reality, is a side effect of the vertebrae irritating the nerve. For years since I've been lifting stuff, but it's russian roulette, and not the kind that made Christopher Walken a star. Lord knows I've done a lot of heavy lifting since, but if it's serious, you just never know. For any guys out there without back pain, when you fuck up your back, it effects EVERYTHING. No joke. I'm seriously considering pilates to strengthen my core when I feel better, and that is not macho.

upstate met fan said...

Rickey, I had a a microdisectomy done last year. It worked like a charm. I had a herniated disc and it was messing with my sexual moves. Not cool. Not to mention that i couldn't jog anymore... wait. I haven't jogged since 1996. Never mind that. Anyway, the surgery is quick and easy. Cortisone shots did not work and forget about losing weight. I mean who wants to do that when you can have surgery and be out of work for a month or more? Look it up, Rickey and good luck!

Deb said...

Vicodin.