Wednesday, May 12, 2010

And Now for Your Weekly Half-Assed Political Analysis...

Apparently over the weekend, President Obama nominated someone for supreme Court Justice who looks an awful lot like Nathan Lane. (Because we don’t know a whole lot about Elena Kagan’s beliefs or agenda yet, we’re resorting to playing the “_____ looks like _____!” game). Kagan’s Nathan Lane similarity excites Rickey if for no other reason than the increased possibility of next week’s Senate hearings inexplicably erupting into Broadway show tunes.

“And Senators, if I may address the issue of gay rights by saying...”

I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and bright!
And I pity...
Any girl who isn't me tonight!

Fa la la laaaa la la la laaa!

Good times. But there’s still someone else whom Elana Kagan bears an even uncannier resemblance to. It took us a while to figure out, but then with the help of a delightfully irreverent law blog, Rickey finally placed it…. The nameless albino from “The Princess Bride!”


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Tuesday, May 11, 2010

This Week, in Zombie News

Rickey gets a little queasy when publishing companies start taking their cues from internet memes. What’s the latest hot trend in the fringe literary world? Zombies! More specifically, the zombification of cherished properties. While we do not debate the contributions that a novel such as “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” makes to society and we’re certainly a little curious about “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter,” we can’t help but wonder what the point in all this is. And that takes us to the latest installment in the zombie book craze: ZOMBIE BEATLES (the actual title is “Paul is Undead”).

Rickey’s going to venture a wild guess that the estates of John Lennon and George Harrison might have a thing or two to say about a novel featuring their rotting corpses ambling about. Paul probably heard the news and went back to strumming a mandolin and whistling. Ringo’s just happy anybody remembered to include him in the book. Not that Rickey is a big Beatle maniac or anything (their proto boy band was essentially a zombie operation of sorts) but still, this venture seems to be in fantastically bad taste.

So Rickey, no stranger to bad fantastically taste himself, will hop in the fray with a few zombie novel pitches of his own:

ZOMBIE SALIERI! 185 years since his passing, the oft overlooked musician’s reanimated corpse rises from the grave seeking much needed critical validation! Hungry for redemption, Zombie Salieri attempts to mimic the musical stylings of Ke$ha only to be met with lukewarm reception. Following a Z100 interview gone horrifically awry, Zombie Salieri is soon forgotten and suffers the indignity of playing second fiddle to the likes of La Roux and Timbaland! When will Zombie Salieri get the critical acclaim he so sorely desires???

ZOMBIE WINNIE THE POOH! When a global honey shortage strikes, the determined bear puts down the sweet stuff, roars “OH BOTHER!” and turns to brains for nourishment! You’ll look at this cherished children’s property in a whole new light when you read of Winnie playing “Poohsticks” with Piglet’s dismembered arms!

ZOMBIE BILL O’REILLY! Forsaking the terror of socialized healthcare, the famed television pundit neglects to schedule a prostate cancer screening and perishes shortly thereafter! Several months later, following a clandestine graveside summoning conducted by Anne Coulter, Michelle Bachmann, and Laura Ingraham, a vengeful ZOMBIE O’REILLY bursts free from the ground and slowly shuffles after the pinheads who have wronged him over the course of his corpulent former life! Lookout libs, ZOMBIE O’REILLY stalks the earth!

ZOMBIE ERNEST HEMINGWAY! It’s a farewell to arms indeed as the wrathful writer escapes his earthy confines and takes up residence in Key West, Florida to conclude his unfinished book! The bell tolls for any who dare approach the undead Hemingway and his army of zombie cats!

ZOMBIE WEREWOLVES! Thought you’d dealt with that werewolf problem in your basement? Think again, they’re back—as zombies! They’re the ultimate double threat! (Well, actually not really, since they’re zombies now and move pretty slowly and can’t catch you. But they do smell pretty bad so you’re probably going to want to go ahead and call Animal Control to take them away).

ZOMBIE MILLARD FILLMORE! Territorial neutrality, be damned! There can be no "great compromise" when the rotting corpse of President Millard Fillmore is on the prowl for brains! When there’s no more room in Hell, the Whigs shall walk the earth!

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Friday, May 7, 2010

Cheers & Jeers: The Weekender Edition

In this thrilling new column, Rickey shall award “cheers” to those exemplary parties deserving laudable mention, and “jeers” to those despicable individuals who have garnered his unfettered scorn. It’s a helluva lot like the weekly Daily Kos 'Cheers & Jeers' column, but minus the shallow and pedantic political diatribes. Enjoy our inaugural edition.

Update: oh hey, look! Rickey's sneering caused the loquacious libs at Daily Kos to actually feature this post! Awww, shucks Billy, Rickey thanks you from THE MODERATELY DECENT STATE OF NEW YORK!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled post:

Cheers to… John Favreau for filming "Iron Man 2," the most enjoyable superhero flick Rickey has seen to date. And don’t worry, as much as he wants to, Rickey promises he won't reach for a tenuous political allegory in this installment in the Iron Man franchise like he did last time. Free of all the burdens of the formulaic origin story that the first Iron Man movie was mired down in, this flick is a rollicking good time. As you may have heard, the plot isn’t all that great, but the brilliant dialogue and acting make up for it and the action scenes are mercifully sparse yet actually discernible. The film kicks off with our cocky prick of a superhero Tony Stark plummeting out of a whizzing plane in full red and gold metallic regalia, doing a bit of snazzy midair maneuvering, and landing prominently in the rejuvenated 1965 Queens World’s Fair grounds with a thunderous metal CLANG to a massive applauding crowd. Amazingly enough, the movie goes exponentially uphill from there. (Although Rickey would’ve loved to see Iron Man overshoot his landing zone and accidentally land in Citi Field to lukewarm applause and grumbles of “well, he can’t possibly be any worse than Oliver Perez” from sullen Mets fans). The people at the helm of this flick really nailed the tone of the Iron Man property. One day they're going to run out of raucous AC\DC songs to loop over the film's soundtrack. Happily, that day is far, far away. Rickey strongly urges you to go forth and enjoy Iron Man 2 this weekend in a heavily packed theater. Take the missus. It'll be serious fun.

Jeers to… 2K Sports for finding new and unique ways to rub it in to Mets fans. 2K Sports, publisher of a popular baseball video game franchise, offered a $1,000,000 prize to the gamer who could throw a perfect game in their new title MLB 2K10. And sure enough, somebody pulled it off and claimed the prize. The pitcher they used to win was Kenshin Kawakami. The team he pitched against? Ladies and gentlemen… your 2010 New York Mets!!!

Cheers to... Homeless people. Given the stock market's performance this week, Rickey is starting to suspect that you fellows are really ahead of the curve here. Rickey himself looks forward to his days as a homeless person and really making a good run of it. Why not have some fun with the experience? If Rickey was homeless, he'd breathe some life into this honored pastime by going into jewelery stores, picking out the most expensive necklaces, then reaching for his wallet only to loudly exclaim: "oh wait, I forgot, I'm fucking homless! Goddammit!" Rickey would also panhandle to pay for admission to museums so he could hop over the velvet rope and eat a famous painting such as a Monet. Rickey would totally scarf down that Water Lillies painting. He'd be the most expensive homeless person in the world!

Jeers to... Lawrence Taylor. Seriously, what the hell, dude? But hey, on the bright side, at least Rickey doesn't need to search as hard to get your signature on a football. He can just look up your name and address on a sex offender registry!

Cheers to… The good folks at BP Energy for making Rickey rich beyond measure. Now we all know that what’s happening in the Gulf Coast right now is a complete catastrophe, but that doesn’t mean somebody shouldn’t profit from it, right? That somebody is Rickey. You see, Rickey estimates that by the end of next week, the price of gulf coast shrimp will rival that of Bolivian nose candy. Rickey’s brilliant plan is to purchase up 10 metric tons of frozen shrimp from Costco tonight at discount prices and store it in a massive freezer in his basement and wait patiently. When the time is right and the public hungers for affordable shrimp, Rickey will spring into action and sell discount shrimp out of the back of his Saab 9-3 off the New Jersey Turnpike. Rickey’s gonna be rich, he tells you, rich!

Jeers to... The entire state of Massachusetts for continuing their proud tradition of wondrous incompetency. Rickey and Mrs. Henderson were in the greater Boston area last weekend when news flashes emerged that a major water main had ruptured nearby, leaving 2 million residents with no potable drinking water. (Why is it that wherever the Hendersons go, catastrophe follows them?) You know your weekend getaway has gone terribly awry when you witness Massholes in camouflage shorts and Red Sox hats lining up outside the local Kmart at 7AM to purchase cases of Poland Spring bottled water like the zombie apocalypse is upon them. The reason the Hendersons were up in the Boston was for a baptism for a friend’s newborn child. Were Rickey and Mrs. Henderson cracking jokes during the ceremony about the quality of the water the priest was dunking the kid in? Oh, you betcha.

Cheers to… Mothers everywhere. You gals are doing a heckuva job. Just stellar work all around. On this Mother’s Day weekend, Rickey just wanted you to know that.

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