Monday, February 4, 2008

Live Blogging The Superbowl

In the spirit of unbridled originality, Rickey decided to keep a running journal while watching the Superbowl last night. We know, we know: everyone and their grandmother kept a live blog of the game. But we’d like to see your grandmother drop as many f-bombs as Rickey does. So rather than trying to be rational and collect our thoughts about what was one of the all time greatest upsets in modern sports history, we’ll just let the madness speak for itself. If anyone ever asks Rickey why he watches football, he’ll direct them towards this running diary. Enjoy.

8:30am: Wake up. It's Superbowl Sunday and Rickey is positively tumescent.

9 to 11am: Reading! …oh who the hell are we trying to kid: quality time with Resident Evil 4 on the wii. Zombies a go-go!

11:30am to 1pm: Go for walk with Ms. Henderson. Bikers are complete and absolute schmucks. As if the spandex pants and helmets weren't bad enough, they insist upon yelling “passing on your left!” like total pricks in order to get you to move out of their way. What if Rickey was to shove a stick in their spokes and cause a spectacular crash, similar to the motorcycle chase in “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade?”

1pm to 2pm: Return home. Daydream about motorcycle chase scene from “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.”

2pm: Cook up buffalo chicken tenders. Is it just Rickey or is the secret ingredient in Frank’s Red Hot Sauce just a whole lotta vinegar? Sorry to those for whom this is old news, but for Rickey, this is a mind shattering revelation akin to Dave Bowman’s “My god, it’s full of stars” line from “2001.”

4:30pm: Listen to Mike & The Mad Dog's pregame show, live from Arizona. In one of their more awkward moments, Chris Russo looks out onto the football field and mistakes Joe Buck for John Madden. Wow. Can't do that Dog, can't do that.

5:15pm: Watch asinine promo narrated by Russell Crowe with montage of JFK, the Apollo Space Program, and MLK which suddenly segways into Giants vs. Pats clips. Typical Superbowl nonsense: tedious, self-aggrandizing, lengthy, irrelevant and wholly insincere.

5:55pm: Hilarious FOX Superbowl intro involving cheesy reenactments of the U.S. Founding Fathers. Rickey's having flashbacks to a brutal childhood vacation spent at Colonial Williamsburg. Damn you, Colonial Willamburg! So close to Busch Gardens, yet so far...

6:11pm: Team introductions. Something involving a staged press conference, "Crazy Train" blasting, and the repeated use of the word ‘resiliency.’ See, this is why Rickey’s more of a baseball fan…

6:15pm: Wowsers, a RED sleeveless sweatshirt for Bill Bellachick! Is that supposed to be his war hoodie? It’s a sartorial nightmare!

6:17pm: Yet another Ford Sync commercial. Play artist: Flaming Lips! (ooh, they’re going for the hipsters!)

6:38pm: Slowly but surely, the G-Men are moving the ball... Two third town conversions by Manning and a nice seven yard run from Jacobs are making Rickey feel very excited right now.

6:45pm: 3-0 on a Giants fieldgoal. First blood. And yet, why does Rickey feel that New York has awakened a sleeping giant?

6:58pm: The Pats just moved the ball down the field in half the time with half the fuss as the Giants just did... Cue stupid Giants penalty in 5... 4... 3... 2...

6:59pm: Yep, there it is! Pass interference by Antonio Pierce! First and goal Pats. And cue “unhappy Eli Manning on the bench” camera shot.

7:01pm: Touchdown, New England. We’re seriously debating not updating as frequently and just focusing on the commercials...

7:09pm: Eli airs it out to Toomer who stays inbounds with some awesome footwork! And hey, nice offensive pass interference there Toomer!

7:10pm: A limited release Saranac beer with a picture of a skiing bear on the label is considered high brow, correct? Meh, Rickey’s not turning back now.

7:13pm: Er, whoops, Eli gets picked off in the red zone. Cue up “pissy Tom Coughlin arm flailing” camera shot.

7:16pm: But on the plus side, “Iron Man” looks goddamned terrific. Huzzah for level headed directors being handed quality comic book franchises!

7:18pm: A three and out for the Pats!

7:20pm: zzzzz something Giants, blah blah blah... Old Balls Feagles marches out to kick again.

7:27pm: Two back to back sacks on Tom Brady, not too shabby Giants defense.

7:40pm: UPDATE: buffalo chicken tenders and beer taste phenomenal. Rickey has eaten about 20 of these magnificent bastards, there’s blue cheese in his beard, and he just spilled beer all over himself. Meanwhile Ms. Henderson looks on with a stare approximating one you’d expect to see from a nanny upon discovering that a child entrusted to her care has just shat in the bathtub. (This is her first Superbowl, by the way).

8:10pm: Hey look, it's everyone's favorite lesbian rocker, Tom Petty!

8:12pm: In case you didn't know, the Superbowl coordinators hire the crowd that dances in front of Tom Petty's stage. And apparently, they color code 'em all with different hued t-shirts. Sway crayola crayons, sway! And for the audience watching at home, this is absolutely everything you need to know about 70's rock!

8:26pm: Great stop on the Angel Moroni to kick off the second half! Is it safe to say that we’re all invested in this game now?

8:32: Ok, that Sales Genie commercial with the Chinese panda (“I need some good sares reeds”) is flat out racist. And this is coming from a guy who giggles uncontrollably when reference is made to the "blackzilla" genre of pornography.

8:45: In what Joe Buck calls a highly controversial decision, the Pats go for it in Giants' territory and fail to convert on fourth down. Rickey could give a fuck. Giants ball.

8:51pm: Yep, just throw into triple coverage anytime Eli! That would’ve been a great play if, you know, Burress wasn’t covered by three guys.

9:05pm: Joe Buck just referred to Frank Caliendo as a celebrity. Yep, there it is: the ominous harbinger harkening the downfall of western civilization!

9:07pm: As Peyton Manning stares creepily on from a darkened skybox, Eli the barrow boy tosses a forty five yard pass! Holy hell in a hand basket the Giants are in scoring position!

9:11pm: TOUCHDOWN!

9:12pm: 10-7 Giants! What in the name of sweet fuck is happening here?

9:20pm: Wow, and the Pats are turning the ball over yet again. Something’s clearly amiss here. This can’t be Belichick playing the old rope-a-dope trick can it?

9:24pm: Ok, you know you're playing the New England Patriots, yes? Over eight minutes remain in the fourth quarter--clearly, it is way too early to go to the running game. What's the freaking issue here?

9:26pm: Annnnnnd here's a punt. Pats ball yet again. Let the hand wringing commence. The Giants defense has been phenomenal so far, but they're getting tired… not good…

9:32pm: A scrappy guy with a name like Wes Welker should be commanding American Marines in the Gulf of Tonkin right now. He should not, we repeat, NOT be playing any form of professional sports. And certainly not against the Giants. Pats on the NY twenty yardline. Three minutes to go. Hello stomach knots!

9:34pm: Oh shit that’s right; we’re playing the fucking Patriots.

9:41pm: 14-10 Pats. Eli, if you haven't defecated yourself, we, the Giants faithful, urge you to pony up for a two minute drill...

9:59pm: Wow, Eli Manning breaking free of multiple tackles to throw the ball to the NE 24 yard line. Infuckingcredible—the kid thrives under pressure. Someone please explain to Rickey why the Giants don’t run a no huddle offense for the entire game?

10:00pm: Sweet fancy Moses, Manning connects to Burress in the endzone! Giants up 17-14! Right before our very eyes, Eli Manning is turning into a man. It’s like watching a Bar Mitzvah! Quick, someone get a chair to hoist Eli up on!

10:01pm: Under a minute left in the game and Tom Brady’s back on the field. Intensity builds. Rickey’s not ruling out a “Last Boy Scout” scenario involving Randy Moss running to the endzone and shooting Giants defenders…Ut oh, and here comes the terrifying long bomb to Moss… whew, too damned close.

10:05pm: It’s over. Wow. Rickey can’t believe what he just saw. Rickey feels like he doesn’t know anything anymore. Like everything that was once true in this world has now been called into question. Hello Eli Manning, Superbowl winning quarterback.

10:07pm: Ms Henderson starts text messaging her friends in the Boston area. They might be unwell. (You'd be a little queasy too if your undefeated football franchise was just trounced by the sports equivalent of Buster Bluth from "Arrested Development"). Meanwhile, Rickey scrambles off to make a series of phone calls which will quickly deteriorate into profane exclamations and loud whooping.

And if you made it this far, you might as well check out humor-blogs. You know, for the kids.

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Adam said...

"8:10pm: Hey look, it's everyone's favorite lesbian rocker, Tom Petty!"


the frogster said...

I'd like all you Giant fans to thank me for the victory. I don't like the Giants, but I don't like the Pats more, just because they've won half of the last few Super Bowls. I didn't turn on the game because I knew NE would blow the Giants out. About 9:30 my wife turned on the game, just because. My wife! So I sit down and I watch the Pats take the lead. I then leave the room and close the door, and the Giants win. You're welcome.

And congrats on taking the 2008 Humor-Blogs Postseason Pickfest trophy. Any endorsement offers yet?

Adrian said...

The world is waiting to see if Gisele will keep her word and walk through midtown naked. I think we ought to declare it a citywide holiday: the Running of Gisele. Suck on it, Pamplona.

Toasty Joe said...

The word "resiliency" pisses me solely because it's not a word. It's "resilience." And I don't give a shit if it somehow made it into the dictionary at this point. Not a word.

Ed the Gent said...

I, too, was hoping for a "Last Boy Scout Moment" and was almost certain that if Moss couldn't provide it, Rodney Harrison would (as he is, you know, bash*t insane).

Big Blue 08,

Smitty said...

Hey look, it's everyone's favorite lesbian rocker, Tom Petty!

This, Mr. Henderson, is why I keep coming back here over and over. Pure comedy gold.

Rickey Henderson said...

Frogster: Rickey thanks you for the luck.

Adrian: Bring Rickey pictures of that and he'll be a happy happy man.

Toasty: it still doesn't beat Emmit Smith's recent addition to the lexicon: "debacled"

George said...

Impressive--a Decemberists reference in the fourth quarter. I guess you didn't have 20 beers to go with the 20 wings.

Rickey Henderson said...

Ahhhh, good catch--Rickey was wondering when someone would pick up on that.

John Peterson said...

"Tumescent," eh? Have you been watching The Wire?

Rickey Henderson said...


John Peterson said...

I feel you.

johnqcasual said...

This post makes me even more upset about the humorblogs fiasco.

Seriously, this is the best superbowl analysis I've ever read.

I still can't believe the Giants won. I'm thrilled that they did it...but it still doesn't feel "real". I mean, they're the Giants! Nobody fears the Giants!

It's like when somebody brings their girlfriend to poker night, and then you go easy on her because she's a girl. And then before you realize it you've lost all of your money to her, and you spend the whole week wondering why you didn't just raise her and destroy her will to win right at the beginning when you had the chance. Or maybe I'm just projecting. Sigh.