Thursday, February 7, 2008

Rickey Reports From The Santana Press Conference

In the wake of the Giants’ miraculous and thrilling playoff run, we were wondering, could things possibly get any better? Well, you could say that. New York City, meet Baseball Jesus.

And like any good investigative blogger worth his salt, Rickey was in attendance as Johan Santana was introduced to the New York media. (It’s a hell of a lot easier to get into the Mets press room than you’d think: Rickey crafted a primitive press pass from balsa wood and Carlos Beltran's mole excretions that easily passed muster). And so, pad of paper in hand, Rickey listened and reported. Below is Rickey’s transcript of the press conference:

Johan Santana: …and in summation I’m just happy and excited to be here playing for the Mets and looking forward to a great season.

Omar Minaya: And now we’d like to open this up to questions. I ask that you keep them short and devoid of any mention of the Lasting Milledge trade, of which I have no knowledge or memory. Ahem, Mike you’re first.

Mike Francessa: Johan, first off, welcome to New York. Where you do you stand on the current race war going on in the Mets clubhouse? Will you be joining the Jose Reyes Liberation Front or the Schoeneweis Six?

Santana: Well, Mike, both sides have made tempting offers, but in the end I’ve gotta go with the Latino camp due to their festive handshake and dance routines. They’re a very lyrical people you know.

Chris Cotter: Johan, welcome to New York. What do you think about my hair and boyish good looks?

Santana: Well you lack the strum und drang of, say, Steve Overmeyer, but all in all, not too bad studio boy. Next?

Kat O' Brien: Johan, can you describe your mindset at the moment?

Santana: I have a certain competition in me. I want no one else to succeed.

Kat O' Brien: Wait, aren't you just quoting that Daniel Day Lewis movie? "There Will Be...

Santana: I drink it up! I drink up YOUR milkshake!

Kat O' Brien: Pardon?

Omar Minaya: Uh, it's been a long plane flight from Minnesota and Johan's just a little excited at the moment. Next question.

Matt Cerrone: Johan, welcome to New York. I was recently able to purchase a new house thanks to our nonstop coverage of trade rumors involving you over at Mets Blog. I didn’t really have a question or anything, my lawyers were just advising me to publicly disclose that fact.

Santana: Glad to help Matt. I hear C.C. Sabathia is available in ’09 if you’re looking for a nice summer getaway place on the Vineyard.
Pedro Martinez: Mr. Johan, is it true that you’ll be taking my spot in the pitching rotation?

Santana: Uhhh yeah, listen about that Petey…

Willie Randolph: If I can interrupt here for just a second, I’d just like to point out that at Spring Training, everyone, regardless of their talent, tries out for a spot on my team. Pedro could easily be the Mets #1 pitcher in 2008. Also, I haven’t ruled out the possibility of putting Johan in the bullpen.

Santana: What?! Hey Omar, this wasn’t mentioned in the contract I just signed with you!

Omar Minaya: (whispering to Johan) Don’t worry, Willie’s just a little riled up that we didn’t bring back Shawn Greene. I plan on simmering him down by signing seasoned veteran Sammy Sosa in a few days. It’s all taken care of Johan. Next question please!

Steve Phillips: Johan, there have been a few rumors involving your health concerns. Can you tell me of any physical ailments you might have that I can talk about when I explain how overrated the 2008 Mets are on ESPN?

Santana: Good question Steve, thanks for asking. I'd say that I'm about as healthy as you were in 1998 when those nasty sexual harassment allegations concerning you surfaced. Also, I can toss a fastball that clocks in at 97 miles per hour and a changeup that pretty much looks identical. So I've got that going for me, thanks for asking Steve. Next?

Murray Chass: Johan, have you decided what introduction song you’ll be using as a Met?

Santana: I’m actually not sure yet Murray. Is there a rap song that contains the phrase “I am become death, the destroyer of worlds”? If so, I’m all over that. Maybe I can get Lastings Milledge to record it for me? Hey, where is that kid anyway? I didn't see his name listed on the the trade for me, so he's still here, right?

Omar Minaya: Uh, that name doesn't ring a bell. Next question.

Mike Lupica: Johan, any predictions for the Mets in 2008?

Santana: Without any hesitation I can tell you that I will have a higher batting average than Brian Schneider, that much is certain. As far as the 2008 season goes, well, nothing can be as painful as what you New Yorkers experienced last fall, right? I mean really, what’s worse than that? More ticket price hikes? Getting shut out by Scott Kazmir? Watching David Wright sodomize Jose Reyes on the pitchers mound?

Omar Minaya: This conference is over! Everyone out!

Santana: Seriously folks, I could go on all day: Resigning Jose Lima? Duaner Sanchez getting run down by a horse drawn carriage in Central park? Anna Benson returning? Castro and Delgado reenacting a scene from 2 Girls/1Cup?

Omar Minaya: Out, out! Everyone get the fuck out!

[posted at Humor Blogs]

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14 comments:

Adam said...

I hope Matt Cerrone sees this. Fucking classic.

Rickey Henderson said...

That guy's got SNY suction now--he's kind of a big deal (and is therefore, fair game in Rickey's book)

Ed in Westchester said...

Good stuff Rickey.

Very well done.

Chris C said...

"New York City, meet Baseball Jesus."

Is he going to pitch every day?

And where's the pictures from the parade? I had a great shot I sent yah.

George said...

Wonderful, wonderful.

Rickey Henderson said...

Ed & George: many thanks.

Chris: Sure why not? Actually, starting pitchers toss once every 5 games, but just having him around is a hayuuuuuge morale bost for the Mets. Re: the picture, you mean that huge explosion shaped like a middle finger? Rickey doesn't like posting Boston propaganda. He'd prefer that you just sulked about the Pats brutal defeat like a decent New Englander.

Mikey P said...

HE-FUCKING-LARIOUS. Period. I am still chuckling and I am not reading the post at this instant. Classic.

How bout that Curt Schilling news?

Brutal week for Boston. Loving every second of it...

MP said...

Steve Phillips: Johan, there have been a few rumors involving your health concerns. Can you tell me of any physical ailments you might have that I can talk about when I explain how overrated the 2008 Mets are on ESPN?

You manages to capture everything that Steve Phillips stands for on BBTN. Well done.

Alex L said...

I got no friggin idea who any of these people are, But I'm still laughing, nice work Rickey.

Mike said...

I haven’t ruled out the possibility of putting Johan in the bullpen.

Wait a second! I thought this was a humorous, satirical piece. That sounds realistic.

mr. met said...

Rickey, you know better than to scare us like that with Johan to the bullpen jokes.

It is all too real man. All too real.

Dan in Texas said...

Very Funny Ricky! That was Genius

upstate met fan said...

you are almost as witty and funny as metstradamus. i like it.

this one is my favorite:
Mike Francessa: Johan, first off, welcome to New York. Where you do you stand on the current race war going on in the Mets clubhouse? Will you be joining the Jose Reyes Liberation Front or the Schoeneweis Six?

eric said...

hi~nice blog, keep the good work and i will visit again to see what new update, stay cool