Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Rickey Ruminates

In our newest thrilling column, Rickey is provided with the exciting opportunity to make brash & seemingly untenable statements in bullet point format. It’s a little column we like to call RICKEY RUMINATES, and is essentially a bastardized intellectual stepchild of RICKEY RECOMMENDS. Instead of passing on esoteric recommendations that .015% of our readership will adopt, we’ve decided to pass along ponderous pearls of wisdom that .015% of our readership will heed. Everyone up to speed? Dandy then, here we go:


…that it is acceptable to say something that is wrong as long as the reason is right. Why else go to all the trouble of being a rational animal?

…that club sandwiches are obscenely overrated. Pickles, lettuce, tomato, bacon… who craves these things? Just give Rickey warm brisket and some rye bread and he’s happy as a kosher clam.

…that you should be aware that two years and 142 cases have passed since Clarence Thomas last gave an oral argument in a Supreme Court Case.

…that ILM was completely robbed of an Oscar for their work on “Transformers.” Can someone please explain to Rickey how crappy CGI polar bears win out over angry CGI robots hitting each other?

…that an EPL football club such as Chelsea cannot claim to be more reputable than their cross town rivals Arsenal if they’ve managed to lose £384 million in revenue over the past four years.

…that the sky isn’t yellow, it’s chicken.

…that John McCain’s wife eerily resembles what Rickey suspects an Eloi from H.G. Wells’ “The Time Machine” would look like. Or a valkyrie. Take your pick.

…that Canadian geese no longer migrating is flat out unnatural and a harbinger of things to come.

…that a world without Abe Vigoda is simply not worth living in.

…that libraries are as integral to society as law enforcement (if not more).

…that he’s going to have to think up a new nickname for Ms. Henderson in the not too distant future.

See gang, the ‘Ms.’ appellation won’t work for much longer because… [drum roll please] …Rickey popped the question this past weekend and is pleased to announce that he is now engaged to be wed. We know, this is fucking huge. Mindbogglingly colossal. We must warn you however that it’s your typical good news/bad news scenario. The bad news is that married life tends to mellow out the individual and in the foreseeable future Rickey might no longer possess that unfathomably deep well of rage to rely upon for humor. But the good news is that the harrowing ordeal of planning a wedding will provide ample angst to sustain this blog for roughly the next ten years. When will said wedding transpire? Next year we’re thinking, in the spring. Rickey was initially pushing for a September wedding, but upon careful consideration, Rickey didn’t feel like being perceived as an anti-social jackass checking for score updates during his own wedding if the Mets are making a playoff run that weekend. More details to come, because this “getting married” thing seems like the kind of thing Rickey could blog about…

[Posted at Humor-Blogs]

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Haley said...

Woohoo! Congrats Rickey and Future Mrs. Henderson! May your first child be a Mets fan.

Kadi said...

Uh, so does this mean you will have to hang up your man-whore hat?

Adam said...

Mazel Tov!

You are a very fortunate man, Mr. Henderson. Now, you get to explore the tax benefits that only a legally wed couple can enjoy! (Ahem, Haley).


Mark said...

Oh, you'll still have the rage. It will just be more civilized. (At least for the first few years.)

Congrats, and enjoy nuptial bliss.

BTW, I agree about Abe.


George said...

Congratulations to you, Rickey. As for the soon-to-be-former-Ms., she will have to decide if she's in a congratulatory position. It might not hit her until a few years in, though.

(only kidding)

MP said...

Thomas is quoted as saying he went throuhg HS, UG, and LS without ever asking a question.

Anytime he's asked why he doesn't question the attorney's his answer is that the practice of grilling SCOTUS litigators is relatively new - Brennan, White, etc. were all quiet on the bench.

To listen to Scalia and Stevens tear people apart you forget CT is on the bench anyway.

MP said...

And congrats of course!

Alex L said...

Congrats to Ms Henderson, shes landed one angry muther. I hope married life leaves you with as much inspiration as single life did... wait that may not be a good thing, Good luck anyway.

Mike said...

Congrats to Rickey . . . and condolences to the future Mrs. Good luck & plenty of mazels & tovs.

Meanwhile . . .

. . . the sky isn’t yellow, it’s chicken.

Excellent, Sir Rick. I suggest you throw a few bleachers up in the sun, and let your dedicated fans watch you ruminate in the future. Mack The Finger & Louie The King will surely be in attendance.

Smitty said...

Slainte, Rickey! Congrats and good luck.

Toasty Joe said...

Congratulations, Rickey, and welcome to the club! The next 13-14 months of your life will consist of the following conversations:

Ms. Henderson: So which of these do you like better?

Rickey: I really don't give a shit.

Ms. Henderson: Just tell me.

Rickey: OK, fine, that one.

Ms. Henderson: Hmm, yeah, well, we're going with the other one.

Rickey: Grrrrrr......

leigh said...

wow. that is great news! you will have much to write about.

plus, i'm sure it won't be long before we hear the pitter patter of little rickey feets. then you can become a daddy blogger!!!

mr. met said...

Did she say yes on the condition you shave your beard off?

Or did she say yes because of your Chuck Norris-esque beauty?

Mrs. Smitty said...

COngrats to you and future Mrs. And for "So which of these do you like better?" Try: "They are both nice, which one does your mom like?" Happy wedding planning!

maybe i can help... said...

Congrats! Me and Mrs. MICH got married on 4/20 (heh heh) of last year. I figured that it was early enough in the season that I wouldn't care about missing a few games. I had Toasy and other compatriots text me the scores while honeymooning in French Polynesia.

The only complaint that i got was that the wedding was:
1. During a Yankees / Red Sox game (who cares)
2. During the NHL playoffs (which go on for like 4 months)

congrats again!

Haley said...

"…that libraries are as integral to society as law enforcement (if not more)."

As a librarian, I salute you, sir.

Rickey Henderson said...

Thanks to one and all for the kind words. Rickey's pretty goddamned psyched at the moment.

AmyV said...

Just got one thing to say (besides congrats, but I did that already): Las Vegas. You can get married in a drive-thru, and the city clerk's office, where you get your marriage license, is open basically 24/7. Think about it.

Rickey Henderson said...

Yeaaaaaaah, that drive through wedding thing ain't gonna fly with the fiance... This is definitely going to be a sizeable event. Money and laws of physics permitting, she'd have Rickey fly into the ceremony on a dragon.

AmyV said...

I'd pay to see that, myself.