Sunday, December 23, 2007

Merry Christmas From Rickey

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Enjoy the holiday folks. Rickey will be back at your service in the year 2008. Now go make with the merriment and whatnot. You know, like this fellow:

*Pedarests are hilarious.

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Friday, December 21, 2007

In Which Rickey Reflects Upon the State of Things

Yesterday, Rickey decided to type in a Google query for “Rickey Henderson,” and he noticed that this site popped up as the fourth result after the Wiki page, the MLB page, and the Baseball-Reference page. This of course made us wonder: will Rickey's star ever stop rising?

Not to toot our own horn, but we actually came in AHEAD of the ESPN statistics page for Rickey. Gadzooks, we’re beating the self proclaimed “World Wide Leader in Sports”! And even better, we know remarkably little about professional sports! (Seriously gang, Alyssa Milano’s Dodgers Blog is a more reliable source of baseball commentary than this site). Nonetheless, from all early indications, 2007 appears to have been a rather good first year for us here at RwR. Possibly too good.

See, the real life Rickey Henderson does seem like the kind of self absorbed fellow who would Google his own name for fun… What if Rickey were to stumble upon this site? Would he be flattered? We’re guessing he’d wonder what a bellicose white guy with a blossoming drinking problem was hoping to gain by impersonating him. And then he’d demand his cut of the revenue (of which there is none).

So before a mob of angry lawyers shuts us down, we figured we’d have a little more fun at Rickey’s expense. You know, really fly this plane into the mountain. Thanks for the folks at JibJab, we’ve come up with the perfect holiday message from Rickey. Behold, Rickey Henderson stars in “It’s a Wonderful Life!”

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Thursday, December 20, 2007

Rickey's Christmas Music Accompaniment

In keeping with the recent theme of things around here, Rickey would now like to delve into the musical aspect of Christmas. We don't know about you, but Rickey would sooner nail his penis to a structure fire than listen to Mariah Carey's rendition of "All I want for Christmas is You" one more time. But hey, that's just us. So here are some of Rickey's picks for a well rounded X-mas playlist. Those considering themselves to be festive hosts will pay attention to the following selections very carefully.

To kick things off, one of Rickey's absolute favorite Christmas songs is Tom Waits' fantastic "Christmas Card From a Hooker in Minneapolis". Like any other Tom Waits song, it's gravelly, soulful, and about the less fortunate.

On the other end of the spectrum is "Christmas Time (Don't Let The Bells End)" by The Darkness. This is essentially a balls out rock opera Christmas song. And it's a perfect accompaniment to your holiday binge drinking. Rickey strongly recommends this song as well.

Remember listening to those Adam Sandler comedy albums in the 9th grade? No? Was that just Rickey? Well fuck us in the goatass then. Anyway, Norm McDonald turned in his own comedy album recently. Check out Norm's take on "The Twelve Days of Christmas" sometime. It's pretty damned funny, and we get the feeling that poor Norm needs the money.

Look, you need an old timey cheesy generic Christmas song to throw into your playlist, right? So why not go with Johnny Cash's take on "Blue Christmas"? It's perfect for when Marty McFly travels back to the year 1955 and attends the Enchantment Under the Sea!

The Eels have a fun little ditty entitled "Christmas is Going to the Dogs." 50% of Eels songs are jubilant, and the other 50% are great for slitting your wrists in a bathtub to. This song falls into that first category. Definitely look it up sometime. Woof, woof, you inglorious bastids.

For cringe value alone, absolutely nothing beats Neil Diamond's "You Make it Feel Like Christmas". Ever wondered what the godfather of unabashed sentimentality would sound like on his very own Christmas album? Wonder no longer! Behold, massively maudlin lyrics:

Lovers in love,
Yeah that's what we'll be!
I reach for that star out there in space
'Cause you make it feel like Christmassssssssss!

Curious what Christmas is like over on the Left East Coast? Well then, The Raveonettes' "The Christmas Song" is totally for you. Yep, that's from The O.C. Christmas album (welcome to the O.C., bitch). Holiday surfing rhythms abound after the jump!

And then there's Al Green's "What Christmas Means to Me." We like a holiday song that cuts straight to the chase. Sure, Sinatra's rendition of "Let it Snow" coyly hints at it, but we tip our caps to Al Green for clearing up any possible confusion: Christmas is all about the fucking. Indeed, let's get it on baby.

Eartha Kitt's "Santa Baby" is a fabulous feminist addition to your x-mas festivities. Watch your male guests' testicles retreat into their abdomens as this incredibly emasculating Christmas ditty blasts out your speakers!

Rickey really enjoys playing "2000 Miles" by the Pretenders during the holidays.. There's talk of snow, missing a loved one, and an arduous trek home. Call him sentimental, but Rickey loves that sort of thing. Screw you cynical schmucks--it's a very touching song.

The Who turn in a nifty little song fittingly entitled "Christmas" which Rickey also enjoys an awful lot. Although there's a lot of talk directed to some "Tommy" person whose identity we're not entirely certain of...

And there you have it, those are Rickey's recommendations for a solid Christmas playlist. Discuss.

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Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Your Weekly Christmas Update: The "I was Drinking Heavily When I Wrote This" Edition.

Is it just Rickey or does the practice of decorating a Christmas tree seem a little gay to anyone? And no, we don’t mean that in a derogatory way or anything, it’s just that the nancing around a tree and festooning it with shiny objects just seems a little… gay. That’s all we’re saying. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. And not that Rickey is above reproach on the issue (Rickey watches “Pushing Daisies,” for christsakes…)

See, when it comes time to break out the glittery tree ornaments and flamboyant lights, Rickey transforms into quite the raging homosexual. But that’s ok, because as far as we can tell, that’s what the whole holiday spirit is all about… Going gonzo for garland.

Correct us if we’re mistaken, but Christmas wasn’t always a sparkly frivolous holiday. According to the original version of the Christmas fable, Santa Claus was essentially a winged demon who terrorized Serbian Villagers by sneaking down their chimneys and then proceeding to rape, steal, and generally terrorize Baltic townspeople. Kind of like Cthulhu. If we remember correctly, he kind of looked like this:

*Note: your recollection of Christmas lore may differ slightly from Rickey’s.

And then somehow, religious institutions and various corporations got their hands on the holiday and transformed it into what it is today: sparkly, jubilant, and absolutely fabulous. Call us crazy, but we kind of like the old timey version a little better—it added a bit of excitement to the month of December.

But lest you mistake Rickey for a Grinch, we can assure you that despite Rickey’s occasional rants, he does rather enjoy the Christmas holiday in it’s current iteration. Yep, we’re big hypocrites like that. What happens is that Rickey starts off the month of December being completely uninterested in Christmas, but then, kind of like in "Highlander," he consumes the festivity of others in order to get into the holiday spirit. And then before we even know it, Rickey inexplicably finds himself making sweet sweet love to a Douglas Fir.

Anyhow, in case you were interested, behold, Rickey’s remarkably non-heterosexual Christmas tree!

Huzzah for Snowflake Ornaments!

And look, balls!

We said to ourselves: you know what this tree needs? A fucking dragonfly, that’s what!

And a glittery butterfly! Look for a unicorn next year!

And grapes! Sparkly grapes! What do grapes have to do with Christmas? Nothing, goddammit!

And penguins! Gay penguins! You know, the kind that James Dobson warned us about!

And last but certainly not least:

Now that is genuinely heartwarming. We're not big on product placements in our Christmas trees, but Rickey is proud of that ornament nontheless.

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Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Because You Were Just Dying to Know Who Yul Bryner Was...

Rickey is in the process of wrapping up 2007 and gearing up for a fantastic new year of blogging that some of you will hopefully tag along for …assuming all the talk of beards, alcohol consumption, and ellipses haven’t scared everyone away. But first, some holiday housekeeping. Over the past few weeks Rickey has been closely monitoring the specific key word searches that lead poor unsuspecting fools to RwR. Here are a few that caught Rickey’s eye:

mark messier nude (hold the phone just a second there…)
healthy buffalo tenders (yeah, ours? Not so much…)
man beard (shit yes, we’re like #9!)
martha and charles logan fanfiction (Rickey only writes BSG fanfiction thank you very much)
yul bryner leather gloves (apparently someone’s going for the creepiness hat trick)
ms henderson dolls (Hello, merchandizing! Ok, sweetie, time to start sewing. Rickey needs more web revenue.)
growing beard stimulating (well if by “stimulating” you mean alienating to loved ones, then yes it is)
rickey Schroeder (apparently misspelling his name takes you here. Huh.)
why does my sled always run on one cylinder when warmed up (how the shit would Rickey know?)
"Fabulous goatee" (indeed)
Ladies of the Masturbatorium (it’s like Playboy’s “Women of the Big 10,” but for psychopaths!)

What? We’re a week away from Christmas and Rickey, his head swirling with visions of sugar plums, elves, and angry creditors, is absolutely entitled to mail it in from time to time. Look for a post tomorrow showcasing Rickey's fabulously festive Christmas tree (of doom).

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Friday, December 14, 2007

Caption Contest Winner Revealed

We figure that it's poor form to run a caption contest without crowning someone a victor, so here go you. For the picture below, here's the winning caption:

"I don't care how you do it. Get that Pinocchio kid off of my dick. I'm getting splinters."

It's comforting to know that we here at RwR can always rely upon the vulgarity of strangers. Also, that quote totally reminds us of this. Enjoy the weekend gang. Rickey will return on Monday.

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Thursday, December 13, 2007

Rickey Gets His Nog On

Lest you folks think that we’re not completely on board with this whole Christmas thing, there is one aspect of the holidays that Rickey is totally psyched for: egg nog. Rickey fucking loves egg nog. We cannot stress this enough. Rickey. Loves. Egg nog. Rickey could spend the duration of the holidays in the bathtub drinking egg nog and he’d be happy as a clam.

Ah heavenly egg nog. What we’re trying to say is that egg nog is totally delicious, and in no small part because it is also incredibly bad for you. Take a peek at these staggering nutriton facts. Holy shit, indeed. A four ounce serving of egg nog contains 230 calories and 7 grams of saturated fat (36% of your recommended daily intake). And that’s only four ounces… a mere half cup. Indeed, egg nog is one of those wondrous drinks that you can sip in front of a mirror and actually watch yourself gain weight. Seriously, last Christmas, Rickey was pretty sure he experienced chest pains after drinking several glasses of egg nog. (We blame the nutmeg however).

If last year was any indication of things to come, Rickey will probably consume an entire gallon of egg nog over the course of this Christmas holiday. Sweet fancy Moses, that's 128 fluid ounces....

Ok, for dignity's sake, let’s round down and assume that Rickey only consumes a mere 100 ounces of egg nog. By our math, that would still compute to 5,750 calories and 175 grams of saturated fat from drinking egg nog alone. And that’s not even counting the rest of the Christmas food that Rickey will eat this year. Or the alcohol that goes into the egg nog…

Bourbon & nutmeg? Oh fuck yes please.

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Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Rickey's Holiday Shopping List

As we've mentioned previously, Rickey absolutely despises shopping for Christmas gifts. Sartre says that the purpose of giving a gift is to enslave the recipient. That’s a nice idea and everything, but we here at RwR like to take that theory a step further. Rickey believes that giving a gift is just another opportunity to be a gigantic schmuck. See, if Rickey is going to be stuck in a lousy mall for several goddamn hours, you’d better believe the gift he purchases you will be intended to amuse him more than you. So with that in mind, here are a few shitty gifts items that Rickey’s friends and loved ones stand a legitimate chance of receiving this Christmas.

A slide whistle. Don’t like your shiny new slide whistle? Too goddamn bad. At least you now have a means of musically expressing your sadness. With a slide whistle!

A pirate spyglass. Yep, it’s a completely useless gift and the whole “talking like a pirate” craze is no longer funny (nor was it ever). Therefore, Rickey has decided to give this to you. Use it to spy on your neighbors in good health. Avast mateys, shitty gift ho!

Ugh, Mad Magazine’s "Mad About Star Wars," Rickey shivers at just the cover... Rickey despises Mad Magazine because it’s insipid and flat out unfunny. So guess what? Rickey has decided that you’re getting this massively shitty book.

A leatherman tool. Is there a more worthless Christmas gift someone could ever purchase for a dude? As best as Rickey can figure, people buy these things for men because it’s socially expected that men need this boring worthless tool solely because they’re men. It’s like saying “hey Bob, your penis kind of works so here you go: a leatherman!”

The talking Dennis Miller action figure. Mind numbingly shitty and annoying, this talking doll gag gift is a sure fire way to enrage its recipient. Look for one in your stocking this Christmas morning. Now Rickey doesn’t mean to go off on a rant here, but the giving of this gift ensures a catatonic look from its recipient similar to that on the Yul Bryner robot from “Westworld” when he blew a headpipe and iced Marcus Welby's assistant. Chi-chi! …whatever the fuck that means.

Hey kids, did you want that snazzy new first person shooter for the Playstation 3 this winter? Well too fucking bad. You’re getting a shitty educational game instead. Enjoy assuming the role of Lyndon Johnson in “Escalation: The Vietnam War Simulation.” Don’t worry about not having beefy system specs, it totally runs on Windows 3.1!

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Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Rickey's Caption Contest (of Doom)

You know what? For a variety of reasons, Rickey is rather grumpy today and doesn’t feel like attempting to be humorous. Or at least not “funny, ha ha” in the conventional sense (Rickey makes a point of effortlessly maintaining a wry comedic sensibility at all times). So let’s see you inglorious bastards give this whole “being funny” shtick a shot. Indeed, Rickey is challenging you, the reader, to put up your comedic dukes and think of an appropriately funny caption to a photo of Rickey’s choosing.

We’ll kick this off with a holiday-themed one:

Think up a witty little caption and leave it in the comments section below. Rickey will select the winning caption (there will be no voting on the matter) and mail the winner an assortment of smoked fish and black licorice. Or something equally fabulous.

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Friday, December 7, 2007

Your Weekly Mets Update

As the Baseball Winter Meetings come to a close with a no notable additions to the Met roster, Rickey would like to applaud Omar Minaya’s bold new vision for the New York Mets: “sitting tight.” Why should the Metropolitans get all bent out of shape trying to acquire a snazzy ace starting pitcher when they’ve already got:

Pedro Martinez [injury prone]
El Duque [injury prone]
Oliver Perez [meltdown prone]
Mike Pelfrey [pacifier prone]
John Maine [cross dressing prone]

That’s a solid pitching lineup, yes? So what if your ace starting pitcher’s arm may physically detach from his body and sail over home plate? Seasoned veteran Johnny Estrada and/or Brian Schneider will be there to catch it! Argh, just freaking shoot us now, would you please? So far, the offseason has not been kind to a team’s fans that are giving serious consideration to purchasing the following t-shirt:

But hey, it could always be worse. Right now, the Steinbrenners could be running your baseball franchise (is it just Rickey, or do Hank Steinbrenner’s recent antics remind anyone of that old Onion Article: “Asshole Father Proud of Asshole Son”?) In search of further levity to help you Mets fans endure recent hot stove developments, Rickey presents you with the 14 Most Offbeat Clauses in Baseball Contracts. Our personal favorite:

Rollie Fingers, Oakland Athletics
"Former A’s owner Charlie Finley never thought of a gimmick he wouldn’t try, including a mechanical rabbit that delivered fresh balls to the umpire and hiring a 13-year-old MC Hammer as his “Executive V.P.” In 1972, Finley offered his players cash for growing a mustache by Father’s Day, thereby giving birth to reliever Fingers’ trademark handlebar ‘stache. The A’s went on to win the World Series that season, and Fingers’ contract for 1973 contained a $300 bonus for growing the mustache as well as $100 for the purchase of mustache wax."

And on a final note, tomorrow is Rickey’s birthday. Against our better judgment, Rickey will be turning the ripe old age of 28. We know, you’re probably saying to yourself, “Wait a second, Rickey Henderson was born on December 25, 1958. Something is clearly amiss here. All this time I legitimately believed I was reading a blog written by the greatest base stealer of all time… You sir, have duped me!” Well, um, yeah, about that….

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Thursday, December 6, 2007

Your Almighty Update

Hey look kids; you too can achieve peace of mind by securing your very own spot in heaven! Rickey always suspected that Heaven was essentially a country club, and now we’ve got concrete evidence to back it up. It’s the thrilling new website: Reserve a Spot in Heaven (dot com). Behold, a flowchart explaining the whole process:

If we’re reading this colorful diagram correctly, they’re essentially a friendly intermediary/banker between you and God. Mmmm, now that’s good sacrilege. Aren’t you comforted to know that you can continue living a sin filled life and simply buy your way into that heavenly firmament in the sky?

And as far as we can tell, this thing is legit (albeit very tongue-in-cheek). They’re taking payment via Visa, Mastercard, and PayPal. Rickey even found a link on PayPal’s website where the site owner is asking for some technical support. Um, sorry buddy, but Rickey kind of doubts that the help desk people over there can tell you whether or not St. Peter will accept PayPal.

Rickey enjoys this site because it’s wonderfully blasphemous and self aware of it (we hope) and is certain to rile up all the Christian nut jobs out there. We give this site about another week before Pat Robertson is on his soapbox calling for the Better Business Bureau to shut it down. Therefore, Rickey recommends that you go ahead and spend the $24.95 on your very own V.I.P. Pass to the Land of Milk & Honey. It’ll rile up the religious jackass demographic, and hey, it’s infinitely better than an eternity of endless suffering in the fiery abyss.

Best. Christmas Gift. Ever.

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Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Rickey Reviews New Music

There are several basic varieties of schmucks in the world. For example, there’s the kind of schmuck who insists on announcing his presence in the men’s room by aiming directly for the urinal cake, making a much more audible noise than his neighbors in hopes of reaffirming his masculinity. This of course causes splash damage which is most likely why these schmucks always wear black pants (Rickey's more of a khaki man himself). Then there’s the kind of schmuck who insists on driving at night with both his regular lights and his fog lights turned on for no explicable reason whatever. Then there's the sort of schmuck who steals people's forks from the staff kitchen sink (by Rickey's count, that fucker has collected nearly an entire Lennox flatware set by now). And finally, there’s the penultimate schmuck: the schmuck who recommends things to people sight unseen.

Here at RwR, we don’t do that sort of thing. And we’re proud to say that we only do one of the three previously mentioned items. (Look, Rickey happens to think that a Saab 9.3 looks freaking awesome with the headlamps and fog lights on. We know, we're jackasses, and we're trying to get it under control. Recently, Rickey's even taken to wearing driving gloves as well as a leather coat and scarf. And now Rickey's shopping for aviator sunglasses. Yeah we have no idea what the fuck is going on... clearly this new car thing has gotten the better of Rickey). Ahem. Anyway, like we were saying, we may be schmucks, but we don't recommend things sight unseen. We like to try things out and weigh their merits before passing them along to you.

And it is that meticulous search for excellence which allows Rickey to recommend that you purchase the soundtrack to Todd Haynes’ Bob Dylan biopic “I’m Not There” as soon as humanly possibly. But don't take our word for it: you can listen to the complete album here.

Ironically enough, there’s only one song that Bob Dylan actually performs on this sprawling two disc album. The rest are all covers of Dylan’s songs, most of which we’re very happy to report are pretty damned good. It takes big spiky balls to cover a Bob Dylan song: try to imitate him and you reduce yourself to being a singer in a Dylan cover band. Visa versa, if you attempt to radically reinterpret one of his songs, you risk diluting the message and losing the edge of the original Dylan version of the song. So over the course of musical history, only a handful of musicians have managed to cover Bob Dylan without sounding like they’re doing bad karaoke imitations of Dylan. (Rickey still gets shivers thinking about that awful Dave Matthews Band rendition of “All Along the Watchtower”). But have no fear, there’s some actual music playing ability going on in this album. Here’s the track listing:


1. All Along The Watchtower - Eddie Vedder and The Million Dollar Basher

2. I'm Not There - Sonic Youth

3. Goin' To Acapulco - Jim James/Calexico

4. Tombstone Blues - Richie Havens

5. Ballad Of A Thin Man - Stephen Malkmus and The Million Dollar Bashers

6. Stuck Inside Of Mobile With The Memphis Blues Again - Cat Power

7. Pressing On - John Doe

8. Fourth Time Around - Yo La Tengo

9. Dark Eyes - Iron & Wine/Calexico

10. Highway 61 Revisited - Karen O and The Million Dollar Bashers

11. One More Cup Of Coffee - Roger McGuinn/Calexico

12. Lonesome Death Of Hattie Carroll, The - Mason Jennings

13. Billy 1 - Los Lobos

14. Simple Twist Of Fate - Jeff Tweedy

15. Man In The Long Black Coat, The - Mark Lanegan

16. Senor (Tales Of Yankee Power) - Willie Nelson/Calexico


1. As I Went Out One Morning - Mira Billotte

2. Can't Leave Her Behind - Stephen Malkmus/Lee Ranaldo

3. Ring Them Bells - Sufjan Stevens

4. Just Like A Woman - Charlotte Gainsbourg

5. Mama You've Been On My Mind - Jack Johnson

6. I Wanna Be Your Lover - Yo La Tengo

7. You Ain't Goin Nowhere - Glen Hansard/Marketa Irglova

8. Can You Please Crawl Out Your Window? - The Hold Steady

9. Just Like Tom Thumb's Blues - Ramblin' Jack Elliott

10. Wicked Messenger - The Black Keys

11. Cold Iron Bound - Tom Verlaine and The Million Dollar Bashers

12. Times They Are A Changin', The - Mason Jennings

13. Maggie's Farm - Stephen Malkmus and The Million Dollar Bashers

14. When The Ship Comes In - Marcus Carl Franklin

15. Moonshiner - Bob Forrest

16. I Dreamed I Saw St. Augustine - John Doe

17. Knockin' On Heaven's Door - Antony and The Johnstons

18. I'm Not There - Bob Dylan

Rickey’s not the type to name drop, but in case you hadn't noticed, there’s a whole helluva lot of musical talent at work here. Much more than you’d find than in your average baby-boomer nostalgia vanity project, wethinks. But to really enjoy it, you’ve got to be curious. You need to ask yourself, what would “I Wanna Be Your Lover” sound like if Yo La Tengo performed it? How would Karen O take on “Highway 61 Revisited”? What would Cat Power do with “Stuck Inside a Mobile With the Memphis Blues Again”? If you’re that kind of curious musical fellow then proceed directly to your local musical retailer, because you’ll definitely get a kick out of this album.

Be warned however, we’re talking about 34 tracks here, so it’s not all gold. For example, the Eddie Vedder version of “All Along the Watchtower” is pretty “meh,” but we absolutely recommend listening to Sonic Youth’s brilliant interpretation of “I’m Not There.” But in the end, nothing beats strumming guitars and harmonica solos, and Rickey's current faves on the album would have to be Bob Forrest's folksy "Moonshiner," (which is reminiscent of Johnny Cash's later work) or Mason Jenning's folksy rendition of "The Times They Are A-Changin'". But that's just Rickey--trust us, there's something for everyone on this two disc set.

Younger folk singers like Sufjan Stevens and Jack Johnson sort of fumble the ball with two Dylan songs, but its fun to listen to the old timey crooners emerge from their primordial gopher holes who show punks like Johnson and Stevens how folk music should be done. We’re talking Ramblin' Jack Elliott, John Doe, Jim James, Roger McGuinn, and oh yes, Willie Nelson. They all turn in great renditions and even better, Calexico backs some of 'em up. That alone is worth the price of admission. Definitely pick up the album—it’s a great listen and wonderfully eclectic.

Now if only Rickey could find someone to actually see the freaking movie with... None of Rickey’s buddies have expressed any interest so far and Rickey has a strict policy concerning going to the movies alone (he refuses to do it).

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Happy Hanukkah from Rickey

In case you were unaware, Hanukkah commences tonight at sundown. So hello, obligatory holiday themed post. Rickey is sometimes accused of being a “self-loathing Jew,” which is odd, because

a) Technically, Rickey isn’t Jewish. And,

b) Rickey totally loves himself (hey, what’s not to love?)

And before you call Rickey a bigot for occasionally poking fun at Jews (specifically, Shawn Green) we’d like to point out that he does look rather Jewey, so everything is totally cool.

Rickey pokes fun at tribesmen/women because he takes issue with a whole laundry list of things: the Yenta Culture, the plain-jane holidays, the controlling of Hollywood, and the black pants. Not to mention those pesky horns. Perhaps we’d enjoy the holiday more if Rickey hadn’t received his fair share of crappy Hanukkah gifts as a kid: the savings bonds, the wooden tops, the 1986 commemorative coins, the Cross Pen sets... But that’s what we got. Not that Rickey’s a materialistic prick, but we just feel if you’re going to buy (or make) someone a gift, you damn well better put some thought & time into it. Otherwise, what’s the point? That’s the problem Hanukkah in its current form poses: it encourages a plethora of exceedingly crappy presents.

And don’t bother explaining the shtick about the magic lamp that stayed lit for eight days, because Rickey is well aware that the holiday was originally created to celebrate a military victory by the Jews over Hellenistic Civilization. And you know what? We kind of like Hellenistic Civilization. They gave us the Library of Alexandra, philosophy, mathematics, professional wrestling, and diners. Sorry gang, but Rickey has to side with the Greeks on this one. So pardon us if we’re not really on board with the whole Hanukkah thing at the moment. Some might argue that all this would provide a steep challenge for someone writing a Hanukkah themed post, but we’ll give it a shot the best we can.

Therefore, in no particular order, Rickey will list the things he enjoys about Hanukkah:

1) Latkes. Seriously, have you tried these things? They’re like kosher hash browns. And you have the option of putting either sour cream or applesauce on them. But not both. Never both.

2) Brisket. You know, tender, thin sliced, and hot out of the oven. Just like your Jewish grandmother used to make. Assuming your Jewish grandmother was hell-bent on slowly killing you with the fattiest meat known to mankind. But it certainly does taste good.

3) Kugel. We have no idea what Kugel is and we don’t care. It’s the fucking balls. By the way, are you noticing a trend here?

4) Chicken Livers. Yeah, we know, grossssssssss. Except they’re not, and you’re too much of a philistine to try ‘em.

5) Getting belligerently drunk on Manichewitz wine and attempting to answer the age old question of “how the fuck do you spell this ancient Khanukkah word?” before the night is out.

6) Gathering with family and friends for some much needed levity. Have you been to the mall lately? By Rickey’s count, there are about 75 million unhappy assholes running around right now, jockeying for prime parking spots in their humongous SUVs. Forget the Hanukkah ceremonies and the Maxwell House instructional pamphlets for a second. You’re meeting up as a group for some cheer and merriment. In our current day and age, that in itself is cause for celebration. It’s a mitzvah, people.

Rickey’s doing Hanukkah with Ms. Henderson’s family this Saturday evening (right after he picks up a Christmas tree) but has no idea how to properly celebrate the first few nights of the holiday. Therefore, Rickey will be inaugurating the first night of Hanukkah the only way he knows how: with massive gelt consumption and with a nonstop David Schwimmer movie marathon. We're talking all his best hits: from "The Pallbearer" to "Since You've Been Gone"!!!

And oh yes, gelt. What better way to enjoy The Festival of Lights than by eating candy that perpetuates Jewish stereotypes? Maybe we'll play some Monopoly later on in the evening and pull off the Jewish stereotype trifecta! (or "jewfecta," if you will). Furthermore, if we’re reading the Wall Street Journal correctly, the value of the U.S. Dollar has slid in recent years and is now extremely weak against gelt and other chocolate based forms of currency. (The greenback is trading like shit against the Mayan cocoa bean). Therefore, Rickey recommends gelt as the cornerstone of any strong investment portfolio*.

*h/t to Adam for the gelt/U.S. Dollar funny.

Against his better judgment, Rickey thought he’d wrap things up with a video of the latest addition to his apartment. Behold, Latke Larry! He sings! He dances! He kvetches! He kvells! Trust us, an animatronic Hanukkah doll voiced by Jerry Stiller gets old as quickly as you’d think it would. And this is why it will make for an excellent Hanukkah gift Saturday evening for some poor unsuspecting fool. Sing us out, Latke Larry!

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Monday, December 3, 2007

Rickey's Monday Musings

Laugh, monkeys, laugh! (We're convinced that given adequate time and funding, the lolcat could solve world hunger). Anyhow, Rickey was overjoyed to awaken this morning to icy road conditions and traces of snow on the ground. And no, that’s not sarcasm—we feel that fishtailing builds character. And so winter unofficially begins. While watching NBC’s Today Show, Rickey was subjected to an Al Roker news segment concerning an upcoming snow storm in the Midwest that he described as a “Double Barrel Backdoor Storm Front.” Ok, we’re not meteorologists or anything, but that’s got to be a made up phrase, right? Is this one of the perks of being a weatherman? That you get to completely fabricate meteorological terms and get away with it? Look, clearly Al Roker has a very demanding life being the nation's most visible weatherman, writing brilliant missives on the quirks of life and barbecue, acting as poster boy for the wonders of gastric bypass surgery, and maintaining a high-concept website. But this does not entitle the Rokester to simply make up meteorological terms just because Mother Nature has gone batshit crazy in recent years. This is where we draw the line. Al Roker’s reign of terror must be stopped.

(And while we’re whining, why does Anne Curry still insist on wearing clothes?) Anyhow, Rickey promptly flipped off the TV after the mention of the mythical “Double Barrel Backdoor Storm Front,” enjoyed his morning coffee and proceeded to drive to work. We’re not entirely certain why, but ever since Rickey quit smoking, Rickey finds himself standing a lot when he should be sitting. Particularly when in his office and on the phone. We have no idea why, but if the phone rings, Rickey will answer it and proceed to take the call standing up. The only thing missing from this picture is someone polishing Rickey’s loafers while he conducts business. Is this an unforeseen side effect of Rickey’s smoking cessation medication, Chantix? We were fine with the uncontrollable flatulence and the frequent night terrors involving fiery cobras, but this whole standing up thing seems a little excessive.

Some of you newbies might not be aware, but once upon a time, this site did start off as a Mets blog. Then shit got weird. So we feel obliged to briefly discuss (read: rant about) the fact that Lastings Milledge is no longer a member of the New York Metropolitans. Yep, they traded Milledge. We know, you’re probably saying, “so he was part of a blockbuster deal for Johan Santana, right?” Well no, not exactly... In the first of Omar Minaya’s many attempts to wave the white flag on the 2008 season before it even begins, ‘Midge was traded for Ryan Church and Brian Schneider. Yep, Omar tossed away the Mets’ best trading chip for a mediocre catcher and a so-so outfielder. You thought the Kazmir for Zombrano trade was ridiculous? Wrong. This fucking stings (pun intended) even worse. The only way any of this could possibly make sense is if Schneider is secretly Dominican.

And just so you’re not caught unaware, Rickey is warning you Mets fans now: Livian Hernandez is next. We’d advise jumping ship now but if you’re still following the Mets after their epic September clusterfuck, frankly, you’re well beyond our help. (Not that Rickey is jumping ship or anything. Whenever possible Rickey encourages people to give up on the Mets, primarily because a bandwagon exodus in 2008 means that it's easier to find good seats at Shea).

One more item for you folks to mull over: absinthe is now totally legal in the U.S. Apparently it has been for a few months now. We just thought you’d like to know that… Thank you very much, U.S. Food and Drug Administration! Tainted meats & produce still continue to sneak undetected past your watchful eye, but a 150 proof alleged hallucinogen passes muster with flying colors! Evidently the Green Fairy Lobby is stronger than anyone had previously suspected. Also, did you know that during the Dreyfus Affair in France in the 1890s, when the French right wingers considered Jews a threat to their rule, absinthe was denounced as a “tool of the Jews.”? True story. Indeed, we make a point of being aware of our libational cultural heritage here at RwR. So really, absinthe would make a great addition to your upcoming Hanukkah festivities. Right next to your Ford Model T and Mickey Mouse figurines! Because he’s feeling downright jewtacular, Rickey will delve further into Hanukkah tomorrow with a post inaugurating the first night of The Festival of Lights. Consider yourselves adequately warned.

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Friday, November 30, 2007

Just in Case You'd Forgotten How Geeky Rickey Is...

You know what the best part of a week long head cold is? It grants you the freedom to say things like “Sorry sweetie, but I can’t possibly wash the dishes in my weakened state, so I’m just going to ride this cold out on the couch with a nonstop Halo marathon.” Dating a nurse has its bonuses: the primary one is they she goes into nurse mode and is totally cool whenever Rickey gets sick and lazy. Indeed, we scored.

And while relaxing on the sofa and using only his opposable thumbs and lesser brain functions, Rickey decided to experiment with the snapshot function in Halo 3 that we previously mentioned. Behold, spectacular photographic evidence of Rickey blowing shit up! (We know, you're probably wondering: "and this betters humanity how exactly?" Look, baby steps people. Rickey will discuss our crippling dependence on foreign oil tomorrow).

But today, take a gander at the pretty pictures! Look, strange alien worlds! Bombast! Explosions! Large codpieces! And all in glorious high resolution!

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So maybe it’s a little geeky, but we figure that if Rickey is going to share some pictures of his hobbies with you folks, those pictures should feature vivid explosions. Is there anything that fireballs can’t improve? We’re gonna say “no.” Look for an upcoming post featuring Rickey’s other hobby (drinking) with some fireballs photoshopped in for good measure. Look, it’s more interesting than posting pictures of one’s dog.

Sadly, if Rickey put as much time into actual photography as he did into this silliness, he’d probably be the next Ansel Adams by now. But hey, it frankly doesn’t matter whether he’s using a free floating camera in a virtual environment or a canon powershot in the real world. We think that Rickey definitely has a photographer’s eye. And that brings us to the following conversation that Rickey had a few nights ago while chatting with a Halo buddy.

Rickey: “Hey dude, want to play a game?”

Anonymous Xbox Live Dude: “Uh, no, something has come up. I’m busy right now.”

Rickey: “Doing what?”

Anonymous Xbox Live Dude: “I’m working on something.”

Rickey: [slight pause] “Care to elaborate?”

Anonymous Xbox Live Dude: “Something big.”

Rickey: “Alright then, good luck with that. Later.”

And then, a few hours later in the evening, Rickey receives the following image from the same guy:

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Apparently, what you're looking at is a recreation of the Iwo Jima Memorial within the Halo universe. The guy rounded up a bunch of friends online, had them arrange themselves in just the right poses, then took a hi-res snapshot of it to share with the world. Well that’s one way to show your patriotism we suppose. Screw boring old 35mm film, imagine if Clint Eastwood had chosen this tableau to work with for “Flags of our Fathers”?

And if that wasn’t terrifying enough, take a gander at this:

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Yep, the poor bastard arranged all the weapons on the level to spell out his marriage intentions. Now that is unfortunate. Somewhere, the hairs on the back of Ms. Henderson’s neck just stood up ever so slightly…

Update: we've just been informed that a Halo themed cosplay wedding is strictly off limits. No word on the possibiliy of having Mr. Met ordain the ceremony however.

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Thursday, November 29, 2007

Maybe it’s the cocktail of cold medicines (yep, still sick) coursing through Rickey’s veins that’s making him feel giddy in the head, but today we figure we’ll blow the doors off this site and share a few pointers with you aspiring bloggers out there. Some of you may be wondering what it takes to become a wildly successful blogger. Well, we’ll tell you: its anger. Unbridled anger. Combine that unfathomably deep anger with a little bit of free time and you, friend, have the makings of a fine blog. Of course, there are a few other details to be aware of, some of which we’ll share today with you in:


1) Try to begin every blog post with a funny picture. Like the one below, for example.

So give this thrilling new pictograph craze a shot—toss up that hilarious picture you’ve got stored on your computer of a squirrel fellating himself. (That fella needs his moment in the spotlight!) A funny picture is a good indication to your readers that you are at least going to attempt to be humorous today.

2) When registering your blog’s domain name, try to avoid misspelling it. In our haste to share our lives with anonymous internet folks, we misspelled Rickey Henderson’s first name. Oops. The unintentional humor skyrockets when you type in the proper spelling with an ‘e’ and are taken to the original blog which contains only a post of Rickey rambling about his dog. We mean come on, what kind of douchebag inaugurates his blog by talking about a Samoyed and then creates a duplicate site with the incorrect spelling? We’re convinced that Blogger hasn’t deleted that site primarily to mock Rickey’s rookie mistakes. Fuck.

3) If you’re feeling like your blog could use a little more publicity, try submitting a column to a Blog Carnival every now and then. Granted, the administrator might not publish it, but nothing beats receiving emails that state “While your article on Shawn Green was rather amusing, I fail to see how it fits in with the Kosher Cooking Carnival. Also, there is far too much cursing in your post to justify publishing it on a family-oriented website.”

4) We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: respect the lolcat, for it is the blogging equivalent of bread & circuses. See, in the real world, cats generally suck. But in the internet world, a picture of cat poking its head in a cookie jar with a caption reading “I'M IN UR JARZ, EATIN UR COOKEEZ!!!” is pure comedy gold (Jerry).

5) Write lists. Feeling lazy? Having trouble stringing together thoughts and ideas into a cohesive narrative structure? Well then, lists are definitely for you. Be they bullet points, numbered, or lettered, a list is possibly the least creatively demanding way of being funny. We use lists whenever possible. We also talk like Venom from the Spiderman comics, so really, you should be taking all this with a grain of salt.

6) When a blogger posts on your website, you must return the favor. Yep, it sucks and it’s a complete pain in the ass for Rickey to do it, but he does it nonetheless because he begrudgingly respects you. At this point, we’d almost welcome fewer comments if it prevented us from having to go over to some jackass’s site and posting about how their latest column written by a fictional monkey general from the Napoleonic War was a goddamned riot. Because guess what cupcake? It was not.

7) Colorful language is the hallmark of a well rounded blog. We try to spend as much time crafting prosaic sentences as we do carefully determining where to use our next f-bomb. Rickey is nothing if not a Renaissance man.

8) Remember to provide links. Links are fun! Wheee! *note: most readers will never ever clink on the links, so all that time spent finding genuinely funny material will go by the wayside 9 times out of 10. And for added comedic effect, be sure to include a picture of some sausage links! Or maybe some dude in leather using some chain links for autoerotic asphyxiation. It’s your call—either one is hilarious in their own way.

9) Blog constantly. Doesn’t matter if it’s funny or not. If you’re out there frequently posting on your blog like a coked up jackrabbit, the people will come. Oh yes, the people will come—they won’t even know why. Much like the disgraced 1919 White Sox emerging onto Kevin Costner’s baseball diamond in “Field of Dreams.” We’re not even kidding with that analogy: judging by the recent Google searches that have led people to this site, you have done something seriously wrong if you’ve ended up here. Seriously, which one of you lunatics keeps searching for "naked horse cult" or "masturbatorium gulag"?

10) Try not to pigeon hole yourself by impersonating a famous sports figure and then proceeding to impose upon them a personality that is eccentric, pompous, and bombastic. It tends to alienate and befuddle newcomers just a bit. D’oh. Hey look, after almost a year, we’ve totally nailed Rickey’s third person manner of speaking, so at least there’s that. And now we’re working on the editorial voice. How’s THAT for comedy?!

11) Need a bit more oomph in your witty little jokes? Worried that your readers might not understand what you’re trying to emphasize? Meet Rickey’s friend, the italic button. He’s witty, subtle, and vaguely Italian! Best of all he’s not nearly as brash and coarse as his German brother, the bold button.

12) Unless you’re running a blog paying homage to the unstoppable killing machine that is Jack Bauer, avoid using a black background with white text template. We cannot stress this strongly enough. There are several problems with this, the predominate one being unnecessary eye strain. Also, the black background & white text reminds your viewers of passé websites circa 1998 containing angry rants. Finally, you need to be aware that many of your blog’s readers may be viewing your site at work, and don’t want to get caught by their boss reading ominous black web sites that suggest they’re procuring guns, devil worshipping literature, or Castlevania walkthroughs. Not that Rickey is paranoid or anything…

13) You can never run out of material. In the world we inhabit, there are always new things to blog about. Try listening in on friends’ conversations and waiting for someone to say something funny. When they do, be sure to exclaim “by Jove, that sounds like something I could blog about!” and then scamper off to the nearest computer to do so.

14) Or maybe try to blog about blogging itself. Kind of like what we just did here. Hah, how freaking meta is that? Did we just blow your goddamned mind?

And that just about wraps things up. Yes, we realize that by sharing this proprietary information, Rickey has effectively handed away the keys to the kingdom. But frankly, any attempted facsimiles would lack the moxie, gumption, and hilarious f-bombs that can only be found here at RwR. Our apologies if this made not a damn lick of sense, but like we said earlier, Rickey is all hopped up on cold medicine. Kind of like Stephen King when he wrote “Dreamcatcher,” except that excuses only one of King's awful writings… Rickey has an entire portfolio of fierce irreverence to stand proudly upon.

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Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Your Wednesday YouTubery

Fundamental truth #167: ask any guy what musical instrument he wishes he could play and he’ll invariably tell you the guitar. This is because there’s a societal myth out there pertaining to women enjoying being wooed by guitar. Rickey has never had the opportunity to try this out, but perhaps once he obtains Guitar Hero III, he’ll test this theory on Ms. Henderson. (We hear that the ladies love being serenaded by the Halo theme). But in the meantime, we’ll ask our female readers this question: how many of you consider the gentlemen in the video below to be viable dating candidates?

Ah yes, the classical guitar: not quite rock n’ roll... not quite classical music... …just 100% jangly and awful. If you’re an aspiring musician who also happens to be asexual, well then, the classical guitar is most definitely up your alley. These guys don’t quite rock out but if you look closely, there’s definitely some most excellent head bobbing going on in this video.

We tip our caps to these rockers for making “Bohemian Rhapsody” sound even dorkier than the original Queen version. Rickey particularly enjoyed the guitar solo at the 3:10 mark, when Woo totally loses his shit and succumbs to a prolonged bout of head bobbing. We’re not certain whether that’s the least or the most animated Asian we’ve ever seen…And he does seem to be smirking an awful lot, doesn’t he? Care to take bets on the percentage of this band possessing English degrees? Rickey is guessing two thirds, but we could easily be looking at a triumvirate of Loyola English Lit majors here.

And for all those who would say that it’s easier to criticize than create, we’ll have you know that Rickey already has plans to start up his own classical guitar trio: “Wyld Scallions.”

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Monday, November 26, 2007

Rickey's Weekend Roundup

You know, the funny thing is that we were totally looking forward to this past weekend. But after two Thanksgiving dinners and three liver punishing nights of holiday drinking, Rickey’s immune system cried uncle and he’s now sick as a dog. ( We strongly suspect Avian flu). Rickey spent most of Sunday swaddled in a blanket and ambling around the apartment all hopped up on cough syrup and muttering things like “I’m retiring from drinking.” And in order to prevent some of the knowledge we gained this past weekend being lost to posterity, here’s a list of things Rickey learned over the Thanksgiving holiday:

1) Every year, right around Thanksgiving, comes the game that heralds the NY Giants’ intentions to totally quit on Tom Coughlin. You can set your watch by this.

2) Leaves still on the trees in late November is unnatural. Rickey does not approve of this recent development.

3) Thanksgiving guests who boast of their plans to open up a hot dog stand in New Jersey staffed by buxom ladies on rollerblades are always fun. Thanksgiving guests who do this and then suddenly pass out on a couch are even more fun.

4) Pumpkin cupcakes are the freaking balls. Seriously.

5) Guitar Hero III impresses but also terrifies Rickey. It’s freaking hard. Moreover, what’s the age statute of limitations on asking for videogames for Christmas with a straight face? 28? At what age does Rickey need to start requesting gifts like wallets and ties in order to appear more respectable?

6) The NYTimes’ Turkey Barley Risotto recipe is bar none the best way to make use of your leftover Turkey. (Rickey recommends adding carrots to the recipe however as well as doubling the shitake mushroom amount).

7) “The Mist” is simultaneously the scariest, funniest, and bleakest flick you’ll see all year. The entire movie is reminiscent of the “well that escalated quickly” scene from Anchorman, while at the same time it does a great job at making an audience scream out loud. And the ending? Well we won’t ruin it for you, but it’s far bleaker than the one in Stephen King’s book (Think “Night of the Living Dead”). Rickey enjoyed the movie, but felt it could’ve done without the weighty social commentary.

8) No matter how ill you are, calling out sick from work the Monday after a holiday weekend is never acceptable behavior. Sucks, but it’s true.

9) Blog posts containing a mock interview with Bryant Gumble and Tony Almeida are always amusing. What? You thought that the "24" nutcases are fazed by the fact that their show isn't returning until Fall, 2008? Think again.

10) Finally, the vodka cranberry is the drink of Lucifer himself. You’d think all the antioxidants in the cranberry juice would’ve helped strengthen Rickey’s immune system, but no...

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Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Rickey recognizes that you, the reader, can easily become overwhelmed by the Thanksgiving holiday. But not us. Never us. And that’s why we’re sharing the following list of do’s and don’ts with you in hopes of simplifying what can be a very hectic holiday. Please enjoy our first annual installment of:

Rickey’s Tips for Having a Keen Time This Thanksgiving

1) Start off the holiday right: with a warm nice bath in Iroquois blood. Look, either you’re on board with the idea of celebrating the white man’s theft of the land from Native Americans or you’re not. Sorry gang, but there’s no middle ground here.

2) If your friends and family are discussing what they’re most thankful for, it’s generally considered poor form to blurt out that you’re thankful for the Dallas Cowboys covering the spread.

3) However, nothing is as hilarious as suddenly and inexplicably yelling out bombastic football ads while at the dinner table: KITNA! FARVE! IT’S THANKSGIVING DAY FOOTBALL ON FOX!

4) The first person to use the word “tryptophan” at the dinner table will be required to eat the remainder of their meal in the coat closet. Yes, we all know what tryptophan is fucko, we know it's in turkey, and we know it makes us sleepy. We’ve heard it a bazillion goddamned times. Your expansive knowledge of date rape drugs is overwhelmingly impressive. Thanks for letting us know that your Vassar education is finally paying off.

5) Absolutely do not screw around with making your own cranberry sauce. Canned, gelatinous cranberry sauce is as much as integral part of Thanksgiving as the Turkey. 10 points if you can get it to vacate the can in perfect cylindrical form!

6) Think about creating your very own Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade drinking game. Rickey’s consists of:

  • Drinking whenever a parade balloon drifts dangerously close to pedestrians.
  • Drinking whenever the sudden, terrifying appearance of Willard Scott makes the cat flee the room in panic.
  • Drinking whenever the word “Macy's” is used.

7) Two Thanksgivings are better than one. Rickey’s family celebrates the holiday this Thursday and Ms. Henderson’s family celebrates it on Friday. You know damn well what the implications of this are. Rickey, ever the gastronomical opportunist, will be double dipping this week. We strongly advise you to look into doing the same.

8) Consider not cooking a Turkey this year. How about a swan instead? They’re bigger, so that means you’ll get more stuffing.

9) However, try to avoid going crazy with the poultry stuffing idea and create a Turducken (that would of course be a chicken stuffed inside a duck stuffed inside a turkey). Come on now folks… Imagine if aliens celebrated their Thanksgiving by stuffing a human inside a bear inside a elephant. That would just be unnecessary, right?

10) Most importantly, don’t get weird with the stuffing. Cornbread stuffing is stretching things far enough. If you venture into the realm of potato latke stuffing or oyster stuffing, then you, friend, are a jackass. You know what kind of stuffing Rickey likes? Normal fucking stuffing. The kind that comes in a plastic bag and says “Pepperidge” on it.

11) Think about working a prank into the Thanksgiving festivities. A little frivolity goes a long way to lighten things up on what could easily become a dreary snooze fest. For example, one of Ms. Henderson's family members enjoys hiding bird feathers in Ms. Henderson's books and other personal effects for Ms. Henderson to discover at a later date. It's a prank, see? So when the Avian Flu breaks out in Rickey's apartment, at least he'll know where it came from.

12) After eating, refrain from retreating to the sofa and unbuttoning your belt buckle. We’re not certain that even James Bond could make that maneuver look acceptable. Why not go for broke and remove your pants altogether? Or just eat nude in the first place?

13) Leftovers aren’t nearly as bad as you’d think. Try putting your leftover turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, gravy and mashed potatoes between two pieces of bread then eating it like a sandwich. Behold: Thanksgiving in sandwich form!

And with that, Rickey is off for the remainder of the week. Rickey will be back on Monday. Yes, we know, what will you do until then? Well, we don’t know really. But here are some suggestions:

Egan Foote tipped Rickey off to a terrific site that allows snarky miscreants to create their very own mock motivational posters. You know, this seems like the kind of thing folks could blog about...

Or you could research the fascinating world of wild Brooklyn parrots (no joke, they exist).

Then perhaps join the campaign to help Huey Lewis. In one of his many alarming parallels with Patrick Bateman, Rickey happens to love Huey's work. Best of all, this whole thing was started up by some lunatic who even sounds like Patrick Bateman in American Psycho:

It’s long been known by me that Huey Lewis is an under-appreciated and
misunderstood genius. Ballads like "Do You Believe in Love" and "The Power of
Love" are classics of the earworm genre. "Workin’ for a Livin’" spoke
timelessly of the working man’s plight, and the songs "Walkin' on a Thin
Line" and "Back in Time" addressed the serious issues of the struggles facing
Vietnam veterans and time travelers, respectively.

Intentional or not, that is some solid humor. And if you're still wanting for stimulation, maybe twiddle your thumbs for a bit. Monday will be here before you know it. Enjoy the holiday folks. Happy Thanksgiving.

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Tuesday, November 20, 2007

This Week in Media Malfeasance...

For reasons that currently escape us, Rickey watches NBC’s Today Show each morning for 30 minutes before driving to work. Possibly this is because it is the kind of low level sensory input we can handle from 7AM to 7:30AM. Possibly because we dig Al Roker’s comedic antics. Possibly because Rickey secretly has the hots for Anne Curry (seriously gang, news broads are strangely attractive--have you seen Soledad O’Brien?) The sum of all these elements combines into a morning news/entertainment venue that is shallow, bland, & uninteresting, yet strangely soothing at the same time. Much like oatmeal. If anyone out there knows of another morning news program more worthy of Rickey’s attention please please let Rickey know. Because we can only take one more installment of “Where in the World is Matt Lauer?” before clambering up a bell tower with a high powered rifle and a lengthy list of names.

Most of the subject matter the Today Show chooses to report on fits squarely into the category of “non-news.” And it is that trend of reporting on inconsequential human interest stories that Rickey would like too briefly rant about today. You know what we’re talking about: children trapped in wells, celebrity trials, tropical depressions, any time Tiki Barber appears in front of the camera. Rickey’s current front runner for the title of “Most Inane Non-News Story of the Year” is the coverage of the Thanksgiving rush. Don’t get us wrong, Rickey enjoys Thanksgiving a lot (he’ll probably write a column about it tomorrow) but a morning news story entitled “Your Countdown to the Thanksgiving Rush” seems to be just a tad on unnecessary side.

At what point did it become necessary for journalists to be dispatched to airports to report on angry travelers being herded from point A to point B? Do think Rickey gives a damn about the fat bastards in this country who fuel up their SUVs or take to the skies and travel to distant relatives’ houses to gorge themselves and spread their narcissistic unhappiness? Do we really need a camera stationed outside a Walmart in Iowa at 4AM the day after Thanksgiving so that we can witness a pack of jackasses competing to see who can poison their children first with Chinese toys this Christmas?

The price of oil was roughly $30 per barrel when the Bush Administration took office in January, 2001. Now it's up to $100 and climbing. It sure would be swell to hear people talk about what's causing that, wouldn't it? We’d like to see news programs cover stories like that rather than the ridiculous “pain at the pump!” segments featuring averge joe grinning sheepishly when he’s asked what he thinks about rising gas prices. You know, something a little more hard hitting than the usual network fluff. Something that might cause Midwesterners to think twice before piling their over stimulated 13 year old brats into an SUV and shuttling them to the mall to watch “Beowulf” in IMAX 3-D.

You know the adage about the population “getting the leaders that they deserve”? Well yes, that is what Rickey bitterly thought after the 2004 election, but it’s not entirely true. We, the American people, get the leaders that the media makes us too complacent to ask any serious questions about. We hear fluff news stories about how Mitt Romney is a wacky Mormon whose religious beliefs alienate voters, but how about a story reporting on how he’s a complete sleaze bag whose indecisiveness and willingness to sell out to the highest bidder totally eclipses John Kerry’s alleged flip flopping in 2004? The talking heads have no problem discussing Hillary Clinton’s “likability” ad nauseum, but how about a hard hitting piece discussing her crippling fear of being perceived as unpatriotic and how it could easily cost her and the Democratic Party the 2008 election? Or whether she’d repeal the Patriot Act if elected?

Hm, well, seeing that this has quickly devolved into a bitter political rant, Rickey will now wrap things up. Ugh, we were just a few sentences away from quoting Ben Franklin. We suppose that a blog that considers itself humorous (my God, it's become self-aware!) should probably operate within those guidelines and not discuss topics that make the reader want to shove their head in an oven. But news companies that consider themselves responsible should report on actual news. That’s all we’re saying. Rickey out.

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Monday, November 19, 2007

Rickey's Obligatory New Car Post

Bad news for Volvo enthusiasts everywhere: Rickey has relegated his 1991 Volvo 740GL to the great scrap yard in the sky. Indeed, as we speak, Odin and the other Norse Gods of War are taking Rickey’s former Volvo for a spin around the celestial block. Sorry Toasty Joe, Rickey has hopped off the Volvo bandwagon. Best of luck with your new Germanic chariot (which Rickey highly suspects was paid for with funds gained from a recent settlement with the Subway corporation).

Anyhow, having driven the car for 5 years until the odometer read 200,000+ miles, we feel that it was time for Rickey to move on to his next automotive love. While this decision was by no means made lightly, Rickey feels that it was indeed the proper one. If any of you newbies are wondering what exactly this monstrous car looked like, take a peek at the picture below (hint: it’s the vehicle that’s still standing upright).

Indeed, fortunately for you, the reader, it is probably thanks to this behemoth’s hefty weight that Rickey is still alive today. (Details on the event can be found hither). So Rickey is a little emotional about parting with it. But in the end, it was the Volvo’s auditory protestations that caused Rickey to cast it aside. As a rule, rectangular cars made from cast iron tend to be a little loud. Indeed, the aging automobile made an awful lot of sounds and noises, some of which Rickey will now share with you. Playing the role of “The Volvo” this evening will be Ms. Henderson’s German grandmother, Oma.

[Rickey steps on the accelerator] “Ach! Schnell? You want to schnell? Very well, I vill do this, but it is going to make people outside look at you funny. I’m built for practicality, not speed you know.”

[Rickey steps on the brakes] “Mmm, that’s nice. I veigh one metric ton. You are going to feel this.”

[Rickey reaches to hand crank his sunroof open] “Ya, dat is jammed. I just vanted you to know that.”

[Rickey makes a right turn] “Ach, what zee crap is this? I enjoy left turns only —could you just make three of those? No? Vell okey dokey, well here we go. By zee way, it is August and you are still driving on snow tires. Das is verboten you dummkopf.”

[Rickey reaches to adjust his seat at a stop light] “Ach, Lebensraum? You vant lebensraum? Do you not know what happened last time someone who owned German property desired dat? Fine, move the seat back to stretch your legs a vee bit, but do not complain to me when Tom Cruise and Bryan Singer arrive in your back yard to make a movie 60 years from now.”

Rickey never made it to Germany, so that may read more like French. Or possibly Count Chocula. Look, we tried goddamnit. Anyway, Rickey ditched the Volvo and decided to purchase something of equally proud Nordic descent: a Saab 9-3. It’s nice to finally drive a car that boasts things like cup holders, airbags, power steering, etc. And we’re pleased to report that it’s totally awesome. How awesome? Well they don’t manufacture the hatchback model Rickey owns anymore so we’re going to say very awesome. Screw the naysayers at GM—you idiots don’t know what trunk space is until you’ve fit enough food to feed Marlon Brando for a month into your vehicle.

True to all other Saab models, its design and handling are aircraft inspired, the ignition is located on the floor, the fuel gauge reads ‘F’ and ‘R,' and it drives like a freaking revelation. We’re still unsure as to what a variety of buttons on this Swedish mountain car’s instrumentation panel actually do, but once we figure out those nagging details, we’ll be sure to share them with you. So far Rickey’s favorite feature would have to be “Night Mode,” which shuts down all the lights in the vehicle except for the exterior lights and speedometer. There is nothing quite as exhilarating and hitting this stealth mode button at night and punching the gas. And best of all, it brings Rickey on step closer to his lifelong dream of being Batman.

Moreover, thanks to a driving a more fuel efficient vehicle, Rickey has made great strides in his quest to reduce his carbon footprint. (We tried trading fuel emissions with Rickey’s next door neighbor, but for some reason the guy wouldn’t listen). Congratulations, well wishes, and remarks of “please don’t crack the fucking engine block on this one like you did when you were 16” can be left in the comments section below.

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