Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Ladies & Gentlemen, Your 2008 Shea Stadium Promotional Games

Rickey was elated to see that his 2008 Mets Ticket Pack arrived in the mail while he was in Florida this past weekend. We use the term “his” rather loosely, because the tickets were in fact a Christmas gift for Papa Henderson (but Rickey is giving serious consideration to being a schmuck about it and just keeping ‘em for himself). And Rickey was pleased to notice that several of the games Rickey’s pop will be attending are promotional nights at Shea Stadium! So let’s take a look at some of the exciting promotional games the Mets are running this season, shall we? Because as silly (and downright fictional) as some of these promotions are, rest assured they can never be as atrocious as the train wreck that was the 1999 Mercury Mets. Ugh. Rickey remembers all too well. Rickey was there for christsakes…

Interfaith Appreciation Night. Join the Mets in April as all-stars Ryan Church and Angel Pagan star in a thrilling rendition of “Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat” after the game! Marvel at Brian Schneider’s powerfully moving rendition of the classic J&TTD musical number: “Those Canaan Days”!

Bird Flu Awareness Night. Yearning to know more about this mysterious avian disease? Get to the stadium early to behold Pedro Martinez educate the crowd on the origins of bird flu and the proper manner of handling poultry!

Old Timey Country Hoedown Night at Shea with MC Hillbilly Wagner. Hang out at Shea after the game for banjo picking lessons from resident Mets mountain man, Billy Wagner! Other thrilling activates include cow-milking contests, hay baling competitions, and steer lassoing! The first 10,000 guests will receive their very own zither to use to play along with Billy’s rustic Appalachian tunes!

Chorizo Night at Shea. Watch Carlos Delgado and Ramon Castro face off to see who can consume the most chorizo in an hour! Afterward, marvel as an engorged Carlos Delgado attempts to play nine innings at first base at his usual high caliber competitive level!

Retirement Planning Night. Hey there baby boomer Mets fans, are you adequately prepared for your golden years? Confused about Medicare Part D and the byzantine issues of healthcare billing? Be sure to sit in on a pre-game lecture presented by Orlando Hernandez and Moises Alou on the topics of osteoporosis and urinary tract issues respectively!

Jose Reyes Paternity Test Night. The first 15,000 fans to enter Shea will be handed their very own Jose Reyes paternity test: the only paternity test endorsed by Professor Rapido himself!

Mental Health Awareness Night With Aaron Heilman. Feeling a bit down? Stick around after the game for some pointers on coping with disappointment from PERMANENT Mets bullpen pitcher, Aaron Heilman!

Derek Jeter Impersonation Night. Always wanted to ape Derek Jeter’s mannerisms? Are you dying to walk, talk, and act like the famed Yankee shortstop? Hang out at Shea after the game as Mets third baseman and resident golden boy David Wright instructs the crowd how to talk and behave in a manner eerily similar to that of Captain Intangibles himself!

Shea Stadium Dermatology Screening Night. Hey Mets fans, are you looking in the mirror and wondering if that large mole on your back is benign or cancerous? Join us at Shea after the game for a free skin exam and some pointers on mole maintenance from resident mole enthusiast Carlos Beltran!

Pet Obedience Night With Willie Randolph. Sure, your dog is cute and adorable, but do they know how to conduct themselves in a professional and respectful manner? Do they understand what it is to be a well disciplined dog? Get to Shea early for a lecture from Willie Randolph on how to ensure that your pet is obedient and mindful of their surroundings.

Got a few suggestions of your own for Mets promotions? Be sure to leave them in the comments section below!

[Posted at Humor-Blogs]

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George said...

Is that Mexican chorizo or Spanish? Very different animal, while actually being the same animal, if you know what I mean.

15th Anniversary of the '93 Mets Night. Celebrate the only Mets team to lose over 100 games in the past 4 decades. See Anthony Young in a dunk tank--if you hit the target, which is 200 feet away, he gets pulled out of the water. Also features the thrilling Tailgating with Telgheder. Just don't let Sid Fernandez scarf down all the burgers....

Brad said...

I wanted to do something similar for Bugs & Cranks, but you did it first (and MUCH better than what I would have come up with)...

Cheers, Rickey...well done.

Chris C said...

"Broken Bat Night" Choose between one signed by Roger Clemens or Mike Piazza.

"Chupacabra Night" Tying-in with the ever-increasing Latin-American interest in baseball, every kid under 13 gets a free Chupacabra stuffed toy wearing a mini Mets Jersey of your favorite player.

mr. met said...

Extra points for mentioning the mythical chupacabra.

There has been some nice little digs on Willie lately on this site. You've gone and inspired me to write something nice about how much I hate him.

Rickey Henderson said...

George: Awesome.

Chris C: Equally awesome, with a hint of racial stereotyping! Well done sir!

Mr. Met: Rickey would advise against confusing any digs here with legitimate baseball opinion/analysis. We make fun of Willie being a stickler because it's pretty funny. In reality, the Mets have seen much worse managers...

Haley said...

I say keep the tickets and give your Dad something he'd truly enjoy (and might eventually give back to you), like a fish tank in the shape of the USS Intrepid, or a Hubert Humphry beach towel.

Mike said...

I, too, was there for the horror show we know as The Mercury Mets. I recall your namesake looking at his picture -- with antennae and three eyes -- and making faces at the crowd. Even more faces than usual.

Of course, the worst part of the Mercury Met debacle was losing . . . to Chris Benson! Ugh, enough of that.

As to Retirement Planning Night, if Robert Wagner isn't here to explain Reverse Mortgages, I ain't attendin'. I will attend, however:

Love To Swim Night Watch everyone's favorite Met fan, the dude with the disgusting hole in his neck, recapture the lost joys of swimming! Met trainers will jam the broken shards of a shattered baseball bat into the hole, allowing our erstwhile naiad to splash about in the chlorinated waters of an artificial pool constructed between 2nd and 3rd base!

or . . .

Mercury Girl Night In honor of the 9th Anniversary of the Mercury Mets debacle, the Mets will invite the sweet looking chick from the Mercury commercials to throw out the first pitch, sing the national anthem, run the bases wearing nothing but a David Wright jersey, doesn't matter. So long as she shows up.

In the words of the smiling couple from Select Dental, the Mets should've done it yeeeeeaaaaars ago.

(Apologies to those who live in different geographic regions and have NO idea what I'm talking about.)

Rickey Henderson said...

Haley: Indeed, those items are terrifyingly close to being things which Rickey's dad would enjoy.

Mike: glad to see someone else is mystified by SNY's low rent advertising lineup. To this day, Rickey still has recurring nightmare of "hole in throat guy."

Daniel said...

I don't care for baseball but I enjoyed these for their inherent humor. I probably would be laughing loudly if I was familiar with the players discussed.