Rickey's Obligatory Subway Series Preview!

In case the sports media at large had left you criminally unaware, this weekend heralds the much ballyhooed Mets/Yankees Subway Series in the Bronx. And we are rather sad to report that Rickey will not be in attendance. Rickey auctioned off his tickets on ebay (hey, if we can’t make it, why not turn a profit at Yankees fans’ expense?) and has made peace with the situation. But what we cannot make peace with is the fact that Rickey won’t even be within television broadcast range of the event. You see, Rickey’s going to be down in Florida at the time, soaking in the sun rays, slurping down mojitos, taunting disenfranchised democratic voters, using live alligators as water-skis, and generally immersing himself in Floridian culture.

What we’re getting at here is that you Mets fans are on your own on this one. Rickey will completely unavailable to lend his mojo to the sporting contest unfolding in the Bronx this weekend. Fortunately for you however, we’ve put together a little crib sheet detailing all you need to know about the Subway Series. Factoids and musings from the mind of a perpetually sardonic Mets fan abound below:

• We can promise you that on at least one occasion this weekend, Willie Randolph will making a coaching decision so head scratchingly stupid that you’ll be sorely tempted to change the channel to “Ice Road Truckers.” Such is the joy of being a Mets fan. Don’t like it? Why don’t you go on the internet and complain about it then?

• That dapper fellow playing shortstop with an intangible aura of baseball goodness around him? That’s Derek Jeter, and he’s not getting any younger. Every time he performs his signature “catch-the-ball-and-pivot-in-midair-and-throw-to-first-base” move, he runs the risk of breaking a hip. And as Ms. Henderson is all too fond of pointing out, he’ll probably be playing left field for the Mets in 7 years.

• At least once during this series, the talents of one Joba Chamberlain will be on full display and he’ll behave like he’s been infected with the rage virus from “28 Days Later” after retiring the Mets and Tim McGraw’s “Cherokee Outlaw” will blast from the PA system in Yankee Stadium. We just wanted to you to be aware of this inevitability going into the series. Try not to go apeshit when it happens.

• Hey kids, are you one of those goofy Mets fans who consistently laments the low ratio of Caucasians on the roster? Well then, meet Kyle Farnsworth! He’s like Billy Wagner, only more inbred!

• For those playing along at home, we’re currently in Stage 3 of the “Pedro Martinez Road to Recovery Drinking Game.” This is the stage in which Pedro expresses frustration at his inability to rejoin the team. Take a shot every time Rick Peterson uses the word “progress” after Pedro tosses a simulated game against little leaguers in Panama. And we’re only a few days away from Stage 4: SETBACK!

• You’d think it’s a little early for this sort of talk, but apparently the fates of both Joe Girardi and Willie Randolph hang in the balance of this weekend’s outcome. So why not cut out the middle men and just have these fellows duke it out fisticuffs style to determine which one gets to keep their job? Many will argue that Girardi would have an advantage being younger and more fit, but Willie’s definitely got the edge, primarily due to the fact that he resembles a grown up version of the foul mouthed midget from “Bad Santa.” That guy’s a bruiser.

• In a crushing blow to any hopes you might have had for transgender hilarity during the Subway Series, Alex Rodriguez will not be playing against the Mets this weekend. The Yanks inform us that he’s out of the lineup due to an aggravated right quadricep, which, not being medical professionals, we assume is code of some sort for "severe anal tearing."

• Try not to overly fixate on the fact that we live in a world in which Ryan Church is the Mets’ MVP. Seriously, don’t. Your head will explode.

• While both the Friday and Saturday games are being broadcast on SNY (yay!) the Sunday game will be shown on ESPN (fuck!). And you know what that means: two hours of pregame coverage in which Steve Philips provides his expert insight on how the Mets are unable to win baseball games. Followed by a game called by Joe Morgan and John Miller. Give serious consideration to listening to the game on WFAN with the television on mute.

• Here’s a rather interesting thought: consider for a moment, the massive number of runners David Wright has left stranded on base. Now consider the fact that he’s third in the league in RBI’s. Join us for a second, in Rickey’s “Theater of the Imagination” as we dream of just what COULD be…

• And finally, some of you might be wondering: why is this Subway Series different from all other Subway Series? Why do we watch reclining and endure the bitter herb of watching Aaron Heilman trot out of the bullpen? Well the big item of note is that as of this writing, both teams are playing .500 ball. So while the temptation might be there to make bombastic statements about the urgency of this game, the reality of the situation clearly states otherwise.
  

Yes, admittedly, Rickey is just saying this mainly because he won’t be able to watch the damned games (that's how we roll). See everyone in a few. Consider the comments section open for discussion concerning this weekend's New Yawker beisbol shenanigans.

A Memo from the Office of Steven R. Lawlor, CPA, to Indiana Jones

Professor Henry "Indiana" Jones Jr.
33 New Montgomery Street
San Francisco, California 94118

Dr. Jones,

We are in receipt of your Form 1040 for this past year, and there are several items on your tax return that the Internal Revenue Service would undoubtedly take issue with. These are items that, as your accountant, I would be greatly remiss in not bringing to your attention. While we appreciate your continued use of our qualified tax preparation team and we understand that your financial situation is far from straightforward, we are compelled to make note of the following issues:

• It is exceedingly difficult for our accounting personnel to review your Form 1040 when it is mailed to us in a leather bound diary and written entirely in Aramaic. We could greatly reduce our administrative overhead if we did not need to staff a team of four cryptologists to decode the various drawings and glyphs on your Form 1040, the vast majority of which have very little bearing on modern tax code. When submitting your tax return next year, please take the time to organize your receipts into useful categories (medical expenses, mortgage interest, business-related expenses, etc.) rather than haphazardly inserting them into your so called “Grail Diary,” and mailing it to us.

• In order to qualify as a dependent, an individual must be no older than 24 years of age. You have been claiming one “Short Round” as a dependent for 29 consecutive years which, by our math, places him at a minimum of 29 years old. Mr. Round can no longer be claimed as a dependent and must now file his own tax return. As per our numerous previous requests, please provide us with his social security number so that we may begin drawing up the necessary SS-5 paperwork.

• More documentation is required for the Theft Losses (IRS Tax Section 515) which you are seeking to claim. What exactly is this “Chachapoyan Golden Idol of Fertility?” Does this item have an actual appraised monetary value other than what you state as “supernatural powers of incalculable measure?” Did you file an official police report when it was stolen from you by “that bastard Belloq” whom you make repeated reference to? This is information that would need to be substantiated and reported on your Form 4684 (Casualty, Disaster, and Theft Losses) in order for us to proceed further.

• While we appreciate the fact that your medical expenses for the past year were minimal, (no small feat for a man of your age), we see no need for you to have written “medical claims not necessary—drank from the goddamned Holy Grail” on your Form 1040.

• As per your request, we have attempted to contact your university’s personnel department to request a W-2 form and/or a 1099 form listing your gross income for this year. However, when we contacted your university, they claimed to have terminated you several years ago, citing a laundry list of exceedingly subpar coursework, shoddy tenure papers, and poorly attended emeritus lectures. With no formal wage earning statement, are we to assume that your income is derived solely from the interest earned on the sale of your father’s house?

• We have concerns about your attempt to claim a tax deduction for a mine cart as an Alternative Fuel Vehicle. This “rickety mine cart which seats three” and is “capable of leaping across fiery chasms” that you make reference to may indeed be an alternative means of transport due to the fact that it does not require gasoline, but it nonetheless does not fall under the classification of an Energy Efficient vehicle and is therefore ineligible for a tax credit under IRS Tax Topic 508.

• The Business-Related Expenses you are seeking to claim also raise several concerns. For example, we question the necessity of you travelling from San Francisco to New York City via a two passenger propeller driven seaplane to present a lecture on the Third Reich to the Anti Defamation League. This mode of travel seems terribly inefficient by modern standards. Furthermore, what was the purpose of commissioning a video editing team to create a montage of your plane flight superimposed with a red line travelling across a map from San Francisco to New York City? Finally, when we contacted the ADL to request supporting documentation for your business trip, they appear to have completely disavowed you due to the fact that your lectures consisted of primarily of standing at a podium brandishing a bullwhip and revolver and stating “Nazis! I hate these guys!”

• We are in receipt of all the necessary paperwork for you to receive a deduction for your Charitable Contribution of $5,000 to the San Diego Zoo. No word from them yet concerning their willingness to allocate your donation as you requested to “anywhere but the goddamned reptile house.” Additionally, we are not certain how a donation of $2,000 to a mongoose husbandry program in Burma qualifies as a Charitable Contribution—please provide support documentation or we will be required to strike it from your Form 8283.

Dr. Jones, each one of these individual issues which I have detailed could easily lead to an IRS audit if not properly addressed. Rest assured that the IRS has men working on reviewing your tax returns. Top men. Please respond to the concerns which I have enumerated as quickly as possible, as we are already well past the filing deadline. If possible, we’d like to avoid a repeat of last year’s incident when you phoned an IRS auditor and told him to “prepare to meet Kali in Hell.”

Additionally, please note that as we have repeatedly stated in the past, black market antiquities such as the Holy Stones of Shankara do not constitute appropriate payment for our firm’s accounting services. We gladly accept check or money order.

Steven R. Lawlor, CPA, LLC
3900 Geary Boulevard, 2nd Floor
San Francisco, California 94118

Rickey Reviews This “Iron Mensch” Movie That The Kids Seem Rather Keen On…

Sorry ladies and gentlemen, but after viewing it, we really don’t see what all the fuss is about with this “Iron Mensch” movie. It’s not a particularly bad film; it’s merely the latest cinematic example of garden-variety pop heroism and wish-fulfillment. Maybe it’s because we’ve seen a million comic book superhero origin movies by now and are fed up with that “going through the motions” feeling we get from them. Maybe we’re not convinced that John Favreau, director of cinematic tour de forces such as “Elf” and “Zathura” is capable of making a decent movie. Or maybe it’s because we don’t like sitting in a movie theater next to 13 year olds greedily gobbling down popcorn as they watch a parable of American military might. Yeah, it’s probably that last one, because when you get right down to it, the whole movie is essentially one big “Why We Fight” propaganda ad. Rickey’s big issue with “Iron Man” is its cavalier attitude that brown people in the Middle East are dying, godamnit, and only a billionaire playboy wearing a red and gold metal suit can save ‘em.

For those not in the know, the story to “Iron Man” is more or less a dumbed down version of the Greek Daedalus myth. The screenplay, written without a trace of irony, breaks down thusly:

* Bajillionaire military-arms developer Tony Stark (Robert Downey Junior) is abducted by nefarious cave dwelling terrorists during a tour of Afghanistan.

* He gets a car battery wired to his chest to keep him alive.

* He engineers his escape from a POW camp, declares that he's had an epiphany and that this shit with the quadriplegic Afghani kids has got to stop.

* He builds a snazzy a metal suit to better assuage his bleeding conscience. A hero is forged.

* Bombastic CGI heroics ensue.

* Hero defeats an evil bald Jeff Lebowski (don't ask) hero saves world, room is left open for a sequel.

Don’t get us wrong, it’s perfectly passable summer popcorn fare, but the main character’s socio-political moral awakening rubbed Rickey the wrong way. It’s too facile, and it smacks of typical Hollywood liberal guilt. At this point, aren’t we past just feeling guilty about the mess we’ve gotten ourselves into over in the Middle East? Where’s the interminable rage that is so sorely needed in our culture? Where’s the outcry? The best Hollywood can muster is some half-assed insipid guilt in between shilling for fast-food franchises and sugar water retailers? And what’s worse, when the movie isn’t busy exhibiting flaccid liberal guilt, it’s hard at work perpetuating tumescent fantasies of American military intervention.

In the movie’s pivotal moment, Robert Downey Jr. watches television footage of an Afghani village being plundered and pillaged and he gets mad, proceeds to hop into his newly built metal suit and unleash an epic beat down on those ruthless cave dwelling terrorists. And Rickey can tell you that he felt pretty damned uncomfortable when this scene rolled in the theater and the audience started whooping, clapping and applauding. First off, it’s offensive that dying Afghani villagers are used as a plot device for a comic book hero’s awakening. But there’s something deeper at work here as well. The scene tries to comfort the audience by confirming to us, yes, Americans have a conscience and care about global travesties (when in reality, most of us can’t find Afghanistan on a map) and when jabbering brown villagers somewhere in the Middle East start dying, it’s time for some paternalistic intervention on our part, aided by shiny metallic objects of war. Shock and awe, baby. Does this sound woefully familiar to anyone? Fuck NATO, Iron Man’s on the job!

Yes, the movie does make a point of lambasting Tony Stark’s Halliburton styled defense contracting company for selling weapons to terrorists, but it’s a shockingly facile and shallow view of things. Look, it would be terrific if Halliburton was doing something as brazen and devilish as selling arms to terrorists—we could bust ‘em in a second. In reality, life isn’t that simple and the influence of companies such as Halliburton on the current geopolitical climes are a lot more subtle and nefarious than that. Furthermore, any qualms the movie tries to invoke about the dangers of modern warfare technology are completely overridden by it’s reliance on snazzy fighter jets swooping around and bombastic named missiles exploding in massive pyrotechnic displays. But sure, if John Favreau, the staggeringly brilliant actor from “Swingers,” wants to try to toss in an ill-conceived critique of the U.S. Military Industrial Complex, in his movie, then he can go for it. But don’t be fooled: “Dr. Strangelove” this movie is most certainly not.

A lot of folks like to complain about how the recent comic book film adaptations of Hulk, Superman, and Batman are too brooding for their tastes, but you know what? We’ll take those dark & introspective interpretations any day of the week over the glib rah-rah pro-America attitude depicted in Iron Man. At least they attempt to elevate the material a tad and infuse it with a bit of Freudian self doubt and gravitas while “Iron Man,” in comparison, is depressingly anti-intellectual. The political commentary in “Iron Man” is a total mess and the action set pieces aren’t nearly as thrilling as Rickey would’ve liked them to be. For a blockbuster that cost more than $150 million to make, that’s pretty disappointing. If you’re going to spend an amount greater than what will be donated to the relief effort over in Myanmar (now there’s a job for Iron Man!) you better damn well make yourselves an incredible movie. This is not that movie.

Rickey’s verdict: save your $10 for the new Indy flick. Sure, it’ll contain xenophobic depictions of an indigenous dark-skinned civilization, but hey, at least it’ll be intentional.

This Week in Baseball: In Which We Shoot Fish in a Barrel

Ah, the fine art of the “non-apology apology.” It’s a careful tight rope balancing act of flatly denying any rumors involving you while simultaneously addressing them compassionately, thereby reducing the perception that you’re hiding guiltily from the public eye. Behold, Rickey’s in depth analysis of Roger Clemens’ recent statement made to the Houston Chronicle:

“I know that many people want to know what I have to say about the recent articles in the media.”

Well no, not particularly, but Rickey’s been running low on blogging material lately, so sure Raj—let ‘er rip. What say you of the recent allegations of pederasty swirling around you?

“Even though these articles contain many false accusations and mistakes, I need to say that I have made mistakes in my personal life for which I am sorry.”

For those keeping score at home, that’s as close as Clemens ever comes to making an actual apology. And you know what? We should give Raj some credit for putting in the effort. (Primarily because he might throw a piece of a bat at us if we don't).

“I have apologized to my family and apologize to my fans. Like everyone, I have flaws.”

Speak for yourself seabass—Rickey is flawless. Furthermore, the Derek Jeter fan club would also take issue with you on that one Raj. You don’t think Captain Intangibles could weasel his way out of rumors involving a love tryst with two eight year old boys by somehow tampering with the space time continuum? Jeter could. Jeter would. Jeter is infallible. You sir, are not.

“I have sometimes made choices which have not been right.”

See? He’s just like us. And really, who amongst us hasn't aspired to one day become a hilllbilly child molester? Sometimes you’ve made “choices which have not been right”? Another and much more accurate may of putting it would be to say that throughout your career, Roger, you’ve had no qualms with venturing across a busy interstate to pick up a $20 bill. But hey, that’s just Rickey paraphrasing…

“I believe my personal life has nothing to do with the accusations of steroid and HGH use. I have already made clear that I did not use them."

Ok everybody—case closed, the jury may finally go home now. What is everyone’s hang up with this steroid stuff? Let’s move on to the fun part where he has a 10 year affair with an underage country singer who had an OxyContin addiction, once stole a truck and forced the driver to act as a hostage, and tried to kill herself.

“Now, I have been accused of having an improper relationship with a 15-year-old girl. Nothing could be further from the truth. This relationship has been twisted and distorted far beyond reality. It is just one of many, many accusations that are utterly false.”

Well the allegations sound pretty damning to us. So unless you’re dyslexic and believed that the girl was actually 51, you’re pretty much screwed. Have fun trying to convince your overzealous lawyer to conduct his own independent investigation on this one Raj…

“I realize that many people want me to simply confess and apologize for the conduct that I have been accused of, but I cannot confess to, nor apologize for, things I did not do.”

Hah! You see how he ensnared us with his logic? He cannot confess—the facts simply prevent it! It’s like asking Data from "Star Trek: TNG" to lie, it would kill him.

“I have apologized to my family for my mistakes.”

Yes, but have you taken the time to apologize to Suzyn Waldman, Roger? She’s gotta be on suicide watch right now, right?

“And having offered this apology to the public, I would ask that you let me and my family deal with these matters in private.”

Aw, you want privacy, do you? Well you won’t get it from us, not with Rickey’s Mets playing .500 baseball and with little else to distract Rickey. The best part about all of this is that unless we’re mistaken, Jose Canseco claimed in his book that Roger Clemens was the one baseball player he knew who never ever cheated on his wife. So wait… Canseco is not to be trusted after all?

Your Weekly Linkage

Rickey's recovering from an engagement party that involved copious drinking, a fringe environmentalist theater troupe, and the sudden public declaration that Aristotle was gay. If that makes very little sense to you, believe us, it doesn't make an awful lot of sense to Rickey either. We'll defer to Ms. Henderson to compile the photos of the event and try to explain things as best as she can (since half of you apparently don't believe she exists). But if Rickey may make a suggestion: if you've never stood in a grassy field wearing formal attire and drinking bourbon on the rocks while a wandering minstrel environmentalist in a bear suit dances around and bangs a drum, definitely make arrangements to do so at your earliest possible convenience. It's kind of like starring in one's very own Fellini film, or a particularly puzzling episode of "John from Cincinnati." Anyhow, now on to a few links:

We've said it before and we'll say it again: Neil Diamond has no place in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. He's a crooner, not a rocker. Is this cold reality stopping him from pleading to be inducted? No, it is not.

A quick check in on the Democratic Party's valiant campaign to screw itself out of the White House reveals what everyone's been long suspecting: Hillary Clinton is considering the oft mentioned "nuclear option."

A spoof debate featuring George Stephanopoulos questioning Abe Lincoln's patriotism? Yes please.

There's funny, and then there's "being violated by a marsupial funny." This story is the latter.

Rickey's not even certain how this is possible, but a Japanese civil servant was demoted for viewing pornographic web sites more than 780,000 times during office hours over a nine-month period. The guy's determined--we'll give him that much.

This story ought to have our male readers nervously checking their pants every few minutes: sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises.

Introducing Rickey’s Better Half

Amidst all the talk of baseball, videogames, gym membership, and other subjects of manly miscellany, some of you might have been wondering, “where’s Rickey’s soft side?” The answer of course is that Rickey doesn’t have one—at least not one that we’re aware of. But if we were to have one, it would most likely be embodied in the form of one Ms. Henderson, that shadowy & mysterious female we occasionally make reference to who has the unique pleasure of being engaged to Rickey. And she’s been relatively silent… until now, that is.

Ms. Henderson, inexplicably giddy with the prospect of marrying someone whose hobbies include growing beards and impersonating Rickey Henderson, was talking about wedding planning so much that her friends and family urged her to start a blog rather than constantly bombard them with the details. So now, she’s sharing her experiences planning the most important day of her life in the most reputable and distinguished manner possible: in blog form. And with occasional pictures of dogs. Those wishing to acquaint themselves with the girl responsible for washing Rickey’s laundry, picking up Rickey’s copy of GTA IV when he’s at work, brewing Rickey’s morning tea, and coming to grips with the fact that she’s engaged to a complete misanthrope should feel free to read Ms. Henderson’s Blog. (Rickey’s request that the blog be entitled “So You’ve Decided to Get Married During a Recession!” was flatly denied).

You wondered why Rickey had been so silent about the wedding planning hadn’t you? It wasn’t for lack of material to write about (because sweet fancy Moses, is there a lot of that). No, Rickey just didn’t want to steal Ms. Henderson’s thunder. We’ll let her share the experience with you instead. But if Rickey can just make a brief recommendation to those looking to plan their wedding: don’t make it a normal wedding. People have been there, done that and they’ve got the banquet hall matchbooks to prove it. This is why Rickey’s getting married at a venue owned by a family eerily resembling the Royal Tenenbaums, and even better, a property on which Hillary Clinton is confirmed to have relieved herself.

Rickey and Ms. Henderson hope to carry on this theme of a markedly non-bland wedding by employing the use of a wedding photographer isn’t a wedding photographer but a photojournalist, a caterer that isn’t a caterer but a bonafide & reputable chef, a DJ that isn’t a DJ but an actual musician, and having the wedding ceremony ordained by a devious imp who will be forced back into the fifth dimension if one of the guests tricks him into spelling his name backwards (hey, it beats paying him). And all this will culminate a year or so from now with a joyous display of fireworks as we remove the title of ‘Ms.’ from all future posts involving Rickey’s fiancée. (You’d think we’re speaking metaphorically about that fireworks thing, but we’re not—a "Class B" 15 minute pyrotechnics display isn’t as costly as you think).

So now that we’ve pimped Ms. Henderson’s website and completely broken all the nonexistent conflict of interest rules which apply to blogging, allow Rickey to be the first to say welcome to the neighborhood sweetie. If Rickey may make a suggestion: consider using capital letters, ok sweetie? Trust us, your readership will thank you for it. And that's the only freebie we're giving out, because as of this very moment, you are officially a competitor. Game on, wench.

Rickey's Obligatory GTA IV Review (Because you needed us to tell you to buy the damn thing)

As a wee lad, Rickey’s access to videogames was severely limited (his parents flat out banned ‘em from the house). Whether or not this was a wise decision we’ll leave for you to decide, but suffice to say that Rickey isn’t one of those individuals who knows the Contra cheat code by heart or how to instantly warp to the final level in Super Mario Brothers 3. So when Rickey finally purchased his first gaming system (the ill fated and woefully underappreciated Atari Jaguar) brand new horizons of listlessness opened up in Rickey’s life. Flash forward to today: a golden age of video gaming. An age when mastering Guitar Hero is as challenging and fun as its real life counterpart. An age when Bill Murray is recording new lines for an upcoming Ghostbusters videogame written by Dan Akroyd and Harold Ramis. An age when a game like Okami can blend art and technology by allowing the player to restore vitality to a diseased landscape by using their wii remote to virtually paint soft pink flowers blooms on a dying sapling’s young branches and cause lush green meadows to breathlessly sweep away a blighted countryside. Ultimately, it’s an age when plopping down $60 on a game provides far more bang for one’s buck than any other entertainment medium.

But it’s also an age where you can experience a chillingly realistic depiction of modern warfare in games such as Call of Duty 4 and yes, Rickey will admit that it’s a tad unnerving that an entire generation of young men has had its perception of war shaped in some measure by video games. Generally, we’re not big fans of the idea of modern technology allowing both soldiers and civilians to detach from the reality of taking another human life. So yes, for the record, Rickey's more than aware of the perils of mindless displays of desensitizing violence.

And that brings us to Grand Theft Auto, a game franchise and cultural phenomenon which you might have heard a thing or two about. Contrary to what certain public figures would have you believe, this game does no more to foster violent Rambo fantasies (if anything, it mocks them) than a quick flip through of the morning newspaper or a trip to the local cinema. This last time Rickey checked, oil had hit $120 a barrel, there was a housing crisis going on, and the price of wheat had increased by 200%. But zounds, a well crafted and brilliant game that’s intended solely for a mature demographic is being released? Commence panicking post-haste.

Set in Liberty City, a stunningly vivid depiction of New York City, Grand Theft Auto IV embodies and satirizes the conflicts that constitute NYC life: profane yet intelligent, violent yet compelling, brash yet visually rich, and obnoxious yet endearing. After an initial hour or so playing the game, Rickey noticed something rather curious: playing GTA IV causes one’s facial muscles to spontaneously pull back into a state of constant grinning. This is because this game isn’t as much of a formal game per se as it is a set of tools that allow you to do whatever you damn well please. Set within a completely open environment, the sky’s the limit. We'll be honest, Rickey found himself transfixed by merely walking around the streets of Liberty City walking with the herds of pederestrians and listening to them talk to each other.
Those who fancy a compelling storyline can play through the main plot, which involves Balkan War veteran Niko Bellic arriving in Brighton Beach with the American Dream firmly in mind he works his way through the criminal underbelly of NYC and encounters an endless string of politically incorrect lowlifes from all walks of life. But if you want to forsake the game’s narrative structure, Niko is free to explore the all the spot-on landmarks, drive around the boroughs listening to the fantastically rich radio station offerings, purchase new clothes, pick up fares in cabs, surf the internet, watch a tv show such as “Republican Space Rangers” or the 24 spoof, “Brown=Suspect,” purchase real estate, play billiards, darts, or even go bowling, then GTA IV has you covered. It’s a level of immersion and detail that you’ve never seen before in a game, and best of all, it’s a razor sharp satire of modern American culture as well as an unabashed love letter to it. And to cap it all off, you can roam around this universe with your friends online.

Rumor was that the game’s developer, Rockstar North, was going to include the suburbs extending as far north as the Catskill Mountains but scrapped the idea due to technical limitations, something which we sincerely hope becomes a reality in the upcoming expansion packs. Until then, we’ll have to make do with New Alderney, GTA’s fun little take on New Jersey. Yes, you can pick up prostitutes then proceed to beat them up and take back the money you just paid them, but if you’re getting your kicks from just doing that then there’s a good chance you fall into one of the many demographics that Rockstar Studios is lambasting in the first place. We know, with all this praise, you’re probably thinking “shill!” but rest assured, Rickey isn’t on the Rockstar payroll. And just to prove it, we feel compelled to state that the driving controls in the game are pretty tough to get the hang of, there are some nagging graphical issues (pop up, aliasing, and draw distance) and there are reports of the game occasionally freezing up for some folks. Also, we're pretty certain that Niko, fresh off the boat from some Eastern Bloc nation, wouldn't request that a cab driver flip to a radio station that's playing the new Yankee Daddy song. But these are relatively minor trade offs given the enormous scope of the game and how it uses atmospheric sights and sounds to create something that feels completely alive and vibrant. Rickey’s verdict: the GTA franchise is a juggernaut for a damn good reason. Obviously, due to all the violence and profanity, kids under the age of sixteen should probably sit this one out. Everyone else, do what you need to do in order to procure this game pronto.

Fun With Google

We love this column, primarily due to the fact that it it requires minimal effort and creativity on Rickey's part. Hello Monday morning write-in! Below are a few recent search strings that led people to RwR:

“ideas for a banner for leukemia” Rickey can guarantee that you will not find any helpful advice for that here. Good thing we’re #1 for that search in Google!

“rickey johnson president fat city cycles” You know what’s hilarious? When some poor lonely man tries to Google himself and finds Rickey’s site instead.

“Back yard joust” [slowly reaches for phone to dial 911]… Back yard jousting? We don’t want anyone getting hurt… nah, cancel that. On second thought, they’ll never go through with it.

“Tryptophan date rape” [hastily reaches for phone to dial 911]

“BROTHERS JOHNSONS FUNKADELIA BLOGSPOTS” All your blogspots are belong to the funkalicious Brothers Johnsons!

"topless robot" Would it be easier if we just put 911 on speed dial…?

“I don't give a shit about the barracudas” Hello, new banner slogan!

“mercury mets” The horror, the horror…

“Stock Market Tips” Looking for an investment advice, huh? Well, one word: Hollywood. People love to be soothed by mass entertainment when economic times get harsh.

“rickey rickey rickey” It’s like “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia” but far superior!

“jarrod lorenzen” Will his star ever stop rising?

Your Weekly Linkage!

*You know, call us nuts, but that looks an awful lot like one of the kids we featured in our Finger Jousting expose last year…

A little while back, we mentioned that Rickey had taken time out from his busy day to enter a little contest over at Mark Rayner’s website. Now, we’ll freely admit that Rickey’s submission isn’t nearly as awe inspiring as some of the other entries in that contest, but if the Clinton presidential campaign has taught us anything, it’s that the best way to react to insurmountable challenges is by fabricating entirely new realities and outright falsehoods. And that’s where you come into the picture. Here’s what you can do: proceed to the post by clicking here and vote for Rickey’s submission (it's the "E-Secretary" one) in the panel on the lower right side. Is this cheating? We don’t know for certain. You’ll have to check with Mark, but Rickey sees no reason why this practice wouldn’t jive with the maple syrup swilling flannel wearing constitutional monarchy free balling way of life they just seem to love living up there in Canada. So go vote—Rickey has his eyes on the prize. And now on to the links…

In our quest to fill your daily quota of ridicule and scorn for all things Disney related, we bring you a news story about a mother assaulting someone for cutting in line for a ride at Walt Disney World. What was that ride, you ask? Why the Mad Tea Party, of course. (Although it would’ve been equally funny had it been Aerosmith’s Rock n’ Roller Coaster ride).

Fresh off his latest cinematic masterpiece, “In The Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale,” Uwe Boll figured it would be a bright idea to contact gaming developer Blizzard to inquire about making a “World of Warcraft” movie. Their epic response: "We will not sell the movie rights, not to you...especially not to you.”

This week in our latest installment of “How Not to Run for Public Office,” we proudly present the tale of one Tony Zirkle, a fellow seeking the Republican nomination in Iowa’s 2nd District who thought it a bright idea to give a speech at a birthday party for Adolph Hitler. Quoth the Zirkle: “I'll speak before any group that invites me; I've spoken on an African-American radio station in Atlanta." Yeah, well uh, best of luck getting a call back from them Tony…

And if that didn’t remind you of why you’re seriously contemplating permanently relocating to France, take a look at Michelle Malkin’s venomous post analyzing which terrorists support which Democratic Candidate. Mmm, now that’s good bile. Cute stuff Michelle, but it’s nowhere near as funny or original as the “Ask A Jihadist” spoof column in last week’s New Yorker in which a fictional Ayman al-Zawahiri states: “Al Qaeda is only interested in American elections to the extent that we can plunge them into abject chaos. So this year, as in every other year, we are supporting Ralph Nader.” (Read the entire New Yorker column, it’s a riot).

The promo poster for Season 7 of “24” has been released. (In case you haven’t been with us since the early days, Rickey’s a bit of a “24” nut). The good news? Tony Almeida is back, soul patch and all. The bad news? Bill Buchanan looks eerily similar to Neil Patrick Harris. And who’s this John Billingsley guy who’s been cast in the show?

There's always room for Jell-O, right? Usually we’d say yes, but not when a tractor trailer flips over and spills it all over Interstate-95. (Bill Cosby seen fleeing scene).

If you’re like Dr. Katz, the chief mental health official of the U.S. Veterans Affairs, and you’re trying to draw attention away from the fact that there are 12,000 suicide attempts by veterans each year, it’s probably a bad idea to start your emails with the phrase “sssh!” But in Dr. Katz’s defense, it’s tough to get across to shell shocked Vets when you’re an animated squiggly character.

The park officials at Lowry Zoo thought a moat could contain a group of Patas Monkeys, and how very wrong they were. It’s like “The Great Escape,” but starring monkeys. Paddle, monkeys, paddle! Paddle for freedom!

The Seattle Mariners are doing something very nifty at their ballpark: allowing fans to order food, beverages, and access a live game feed, free of charge, through their Nintendo DS during games as Safeco Field. Now that’s an innovative use of widely-available technology, but it comes as little surprise given the fact that Nintendo owns the Mariners (and every goofball quote that comes out of Ichiro’s mouth). Asking for a similar service at Shea stadium will most likely earn you a slap upside the head and an abacus thrust into your hands.

And a quick check in with the Mets reveals that:

1) Everyone seems to have completely forgotten how to hit the goddamned ball.

2) We’re another two weeks away from Pedro Martinez being able to throw off the mound and only a mere month until we get reports of his latest “setback.” (Sorry, but we’ve done this dance for the past two years now and know all the steps by heart).

3) Thanks to a voodoo hex placed on it by the Figueroa family, Orlando Hernandez’s foot will remain in a boot for two more weeks.

4) After much deliberation, Willie Randolph has gone with his gut and decided to have Moises Alou and Angel Pagan roll a 12 sided die to see who gets the position in left field.

But on the bright side, Johan Santana (aka Baseball Jesus) continued to earn his paychecks last night, and thereby saved you folks from having to read an angry “Weekly Mets Update” column featuring a picture of a pilot ejecting from a fighter jet just it slams into the ground. (We’re saving that one for later!)

Punching out,
-Rickey

Rickey's Guide To Gym Membership

As we’ve mentioned before, Rickey has been on a fitness kick recently, and has gleaned many choice tidbits of information from his time spent toiling on various devices of physical punishment. And while we recognize that there’s a dearth of easily accessible “how to” guides on fitness out there, we can guarantee that none of them were written by a guy who responded to the inability to change a flat tire on their car by consuming a large amount of Lucid absinthe and proceeding to spend the evening completely disabling his network router setup (Rickey was only trying to open his NAT settings goddamnit). Call us nuts, but we figure that experiences like that qualify us to write a fair and balanced set of guidelines on the masturbatory realm of self-improvement. Behold Reubensesque readers,

Rickey’s Guide to Gym Membership

Don’t forget to bring a towel. Trust us, forty minutes of cardio will have you perspiring like Nixon during the 1960 Presidential Debate. (As we speak, Rickey’s writing a book arguing that the Vietnam War could’ve been avoided, the Bay of Pigs and Cuban Missile Crisis might never have occurred, and people would still have faith in American government if only Richard Nixon had brought a towel).

Remember to glower whenever possible. Nothing says that you’re taking this workout thing seriously quite like menacingly staring at people as they walk past you. We’re told that the ladies especially like this!

Find an inanimate object to focus on in the men’s locker room. You know how NYC subway riders have perfected the art of staring at ads in the attempt to avoid making eye contact during their commute? Yeah, you’re going to need to master this technique before you even step foot inside the men’s locker room. Without discussing the details (Rickey has seen interminably horrific things that he cares not to talk about) we can tell you that men have no shame, and a shockingly massive amount of man-bush roams free in the men’s locker room.

Make yourself heard. Rickey has noticed that a lot of folks tend to grunt a lot to emphasize the fact that they’re really working their muscles. So we’ve decided to take that practice one step further by emitting a long primal scream whenever starting or completing a set.

Those mirrors they’ve got setup all over the gym? Yeah, those are for you to admire yourself (and others) with. Get used to the idea that you’re paying $70 a month for the privilege of vainly ogling yourself in the mirror.

Avoid sports drinks at all costs. Oh wow, Gatorade has rolled out a new low calorie sports drink! Hey, you know what else has few calories? Water, that’s what.

Look for things to gripe about. Let’s say that your gym has televisions equipped on all the elliptical machines, treadmills, stair masters, etc. Now let’s say that your gym has decided to carry the YES network on these televisions, but not SNY. Is this cause for complaint? You freaking betcha. Will your inability to watch Aaron Heilman give up four runs in the seventh inning earn you a refund of some sort? Doubtful, but it’s worth a shot nonetheless.

Be courteous. If another fitness enthusiast rudely demands to use the abs machine when you’re resting between sets, by all means, allow the busy fellow to do so. But not before kindly informing him that it’s totally cool, because he needs to use the machine more than you do anyway.

If the exercise looks incredibly embarrassing, it’s probably good for you. Rickey has been told many times that in order to ACTIVATE HIS CORE, it is necessary of him to do squats and lunges. But have you seen what some of these people look like while lunging their way across the gym or squatting in the corner? Yeah, there’s a damned good reason Rickey flatly refuses to do these exercises.

Conversely, that nifty looking fitness machine that looks like it was designed by H.R. Geiger probably won’t do wonders to build your muscles. Does this stop Rickey from clambering into it and doing three sets on it daily? No it does not.

After your workout, avoid the urge to consume your net weight in cheese. This is actually a whole of a lot harder than you’d think, but the bottom line is that if you can eat roughly the same amount of food as you were before, you’re on the right track. And whatever you do, don’t plop down on the couch after an arduous workout in your sweaty gym clothes. Your significant other will not be pleased by this.

Finally, remember why you’re going to the gym in the first place: to get really, really high. For those two hours after a grueling workout, Rickey is a happy camper riding high on a crest of endorphins. For those two hours, life is good.

(And then reality sets in when Rickey remembers he’s still without a working internet connection and a decent lugnut wrench).

Rickey's Summer Movie Preview

If the attentive individual were to take the time to cast a quick glance out the window, they would notice the fact that the warm months are rapidly approaching. And we put it to you thusly: are you going to spend your summer outside in a hammock blissfully reading a book? No, you most definitely are not. You’re going to drive to a hideous mall somewhere, spend thirty minutes circling the lot looking for a parking spot, then sit your ass down in a freezing movie theater to get your ear drums blown out and your soul trampled on out by the lowest common denominator of mass entertainment. And lucky you, Rickey’s here to help you with that selection. So here are Rickey’s opinions on some of the big releases coming soon to a theater near you.

IRON MAN. Rickey was initially excited for it, but upon second consideration, our enthusiasm has dwindled. First off, thanks to an overzealous ad campaign, Rickey’s already seen 95% of the movie in the commercials. That’s kind of an issue. Moreover, even if Rickey hadn’t seen the trailers, we’re pretty sure we could guess how this movie unfolds:

1) Movie starts with average guy
2) Average guy gains powers
3) Guy has wacky exploits adjusting to new powers
4) Guy defeats bad guy, saves girl
5) Room is left open for a sequel, roll credits

And in a way, this is actually worse than being merely a bad movie: it’s formulaic. If you’re a fan of the property, sure, plop down the $10 and watch Robert Downey Junior put on his “I’m Robert Downey Jr. and you’re not” face. Buy the Robert Downey Jr. IRON MAN action figure while you’re at it (comes complete with vodka bottle and kung fu grip drinking action arm!) Look, GTA IV also happens to come out that week, so if the movie studios think that Rickey will be leaving the apartment for the weekend of May 2nd for anything short of a full blown spitting cobra infestation, they are sadly mistaken.

THE INCREDIBLE HULK. Rickey’s not sure how the big green meanie has managed to amass such a huge following, because he’s remarkably shallow and uninteresting, even by superhero standards. As best as we can figure, it’s a modern day Jekyll & Hyde tale infused with Gamma Rays, and that’s pretty much it. Are we missing something here? Say what you want about the Ang Lee take on the franchise a few years back, at least it tried to elevate the subject material. This? Not so much. It looks loyal to the character and that’s a very bad thing. Definitely a skip in Rickey’s book.

THE DARK KNIGHT. Because all these comic book movies hadn’t quite sated your need for adolescent revenge fantasies, behold the granddaddy of all the brooding action heroes: Batman. Just to reassure you that no, Rickey isn’t totally biased against comic book movie adaptations, we are strongly recommending this flick. The movie could be two and a half hours of CGI versions of Caesar Romero, Heath Ledger and Jack Nicholson doing the Batoosie in drag and we’d still line up to see it. It’s Batman people: the Dark Knight, the Caped Crusader, get with the freaking program here already.

INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL. Despite Rickey’s initial reservations, this is another solid property we feel fairly comfortable in endorsing sight unseen. Rickey eagerly awaits the return of the movie franchise that was responsible for the PG-13 rating classification being created by the MPAA.

THE LOVE GURU. Will someone kindly inform Mike Meyers that his career is officially over? The guy doesn’t seem to have gotten the memo, and really, we hate to see him go through all the trouble of seeing him doing his very best Austin Powers impression for a movie that’s going to take in $25 million domestic.

THE X-FILES 2: I WANT TO BELIEVE. Once you get past the fact that it has quite possibly the worst title in movie history, this one definitely has boatloads of potential. “I Want to Believe”? Seriously, after seven seasons which character doesn’t believe that crazy paranormal stuff is out there? Scully? Mulder? Skinner? The custodial crew at the FBI building? Everyone’s seen their fair share of UFOs, ghosties, werewolves, cults, etc., and by now, we’re all pretty much on board with the fact that yes, unexplainable things are out there in the X-Files universe. All that having been said, this looks terrific and yes, much like the strongest episodes in the show’s history, this movie doesn’t revolve around the UFO mythology.

SPEED RACER: Hey kids, do you like epilepsy? Well then you’ll love this nonsense. Tell you what, rather than seeing this film adaptation of the wacky Japanese cartoon series, Rickey will just drive around at 120mph with his eyelids pried open and neon lights glued to his retinas. That ought to approximate the movie experience nicely wethinks.

SPACE CHIMPS: Ah Christ, just freaking shoot Rickey already. When aliens come to conquer the Earth, they will put humanity on trial. Exhibit A will be “Space Chimps.” Mankind will argue “but wait, what about ‘Children of Paradise’? We made that too!” And the aliens will ask us which movie took in more money at the box office and then proceed to eradicate the planet.

SEX AND THE CITY: THE MOVIE. As a child, Rickey plead with his parents to take him to see the 1986 animated Transformers film, and they cringed, refused, then finally gave in after much wailing. Rickey will undoubtedly undergo a similar experience when Ms. Henderson asks to be taken to see the new Sex & the City flick. And Rickey will have no choice but to concede, but only under the condition that he is allowed to pick the next movie, which brings us to…

CHOKE: Based on the Chuck Palahniuk book (one of Rickey’s favorite writers) this flick is about a sex-addicted colonial theme park employee who purposefully chokes himself with food at restaurants in order to gain the friendship of random strangers. Oh yeah, and he may or may not be Jesus Christ. If done properly, this could be one helluva dark, twisted, and funny movie. It will disgust 95% of the audience and Rickey most likely will love it.

WALL-E. Fuck it, we’re whole heartedly recommending this. That little robot looks cute.

This Week in Geek!

[A periodically updated column in which Rickey lets his inner geek shine by gleaming the internet for only the choicest stories pertaining to the realms of science, technology, and general nerdery].

Good news physics buffs and fans of giant science machinery, the world’s largest particle supercollider, goes online this summer. (“Supercollider? Rickey barely knows her!”) And while Rickey loves spacey new scientific advancements as much as the next commoner, we tend to get a bit nervous when we hear rumors that there’s a chance that this thing could create a black hole which would devour the Earth in mere nanoseconds. We kind of like this whole existence thing, you know? How ironic would it be if we discovered that all the black holes in the universe are the result of technologically advanced civilizations who attempted the same experiment? And even if the possibility of this contraption creating an interstellar void which would consume the entire planet is ridiculously remote, bear in mind that there’s always the chance that it might wake up Cthulhu. Then we’re all really screwed.

And because you weren’t quite scared enough of scientists accidentally killing us all, marvel at a story of PhDs at Caltech creating a form of “programmable” bacteria that will do our bidding! It has a wide range of potential applications which include medical uses, hazmat spill cleanups, and of course, destroying all humanity. You’d better believe that a Michael Crichton novel based on this is inbound and that the inexplicably popular Shia LaBeouf will star in the film version.

Whenever someone gets around to building it, the world’ tallest building will be two miles high. And it will contain rivers. Those looking for a way to make the designers of the Burj Dubai look like impotent little punks finally have their answer. Assuming the construction of something like this doesn’t sap the planet of whatever remaining resources it still has, this does look fairly nifty.

And in the somewhat less inspiring category of “mindblowingly inept science,” the makers of a popular Alzheimer’s drug have opted to rename their product in the hopes that the public will forget that the FDA ruled that it completely failed to treat Alzheimer’s Disease in the first place.

Courtesy of Japanese innovative minds, the same people who brought you Hello Kitty and tentacle porn, behold: new barcodes! There’s a barcode revolution coming soon to a UPS store near you. Are you on the right side?

According to Symantec, the number of viruses, worms, and Trojans circulating the internet has hit the 1 million mark. Awww… Rickey’s OSX based Mac feels strangely left out.

Courtesy of an uber-geeky website bearing the disconcerting appellation “Topless Robot,” here’s a link to an open letter of protest to the creators of the fourth edition of Dungeons & Dragons. We’ll just run the quote and let this one speak for itself: “Recently, a trove of legal proceedings and assorted arcana was unearthed regarding demi-human protests to the upcoming 4th Edition Dungeons and Dragons release. This list of demands was signed by 8th level half-orc fighter Angrus Torn-Eye and 9th level gnome Illusionist Gnor Fnortner, representing a group calling itself "Gruumsh, Glittergold, and Sons". It was found sealed in a bone scroll case and capped with a glyph of insanity. We publish it in hope that D&D publisher Wizards of the Coast will hear their requests.” And woo boy, that’s only the introductory paragraph—it gets better. So much better.

Huzzah, the Shell Corporation has created an eco-friendly car! And it gets 2,843 mpg! But wait, there’s more: the car has no A/C, heater, stereo, cup holder, power brakes, padded seats, CD player, power steering, power windows and only seats one! Seriously now folks, who wouldn’t want to ride around in one of these? Tremble, OPEC, tremble! Another bold step forward brought to you by the Shell Corporation!

And just in case you believed that mankind’s reckless pollution of the environment was limited to the earth, behold: a picture detailing all the space junk in orbit around the planet!

Finally, to wrap things up (and in keeping with the gleefully apocalyptic tone we seem hung up on today) Rickey presents the coolest thing he’s seen all week: “The Door to Hell” in Uzbekistan. It’s a semi underground gas fire that’s been burning nonstop for 35 years. The story goes that once upon a time, a group of Uzbek geologists were drilling and they suddenly found an underground cavern filled with gas. Possessing testicles the size of planetary spheres, they ignited it so that no poisonous gas could come out of the hole, and since then, it’s been burning for 35 years without any pause and will most likely burn for decades and decades more. Even cooler? A similar fire burns in Pennsylvania, fed by coal veins. The CO2 fumes have turned an entire mining community into a spooky ghost town (although certain residents refused to evacuate and still live there) and there’s enough coal to keep the fires going for 250 years, and yes, it’s what inspired those “Silent Hill” videogames. Hello, summer vacation spot!

This Week In Irrelevant Sporting News...

In case you missed it, a Red Sox construction worker had the rather inspired idea of burying a David Ortiz jersey underneath the new Yankee stadium. And being your typical Red Sox fan possessing no idea how jinxes actually work, he buried it under the visitor’s clubhouse rather than the Yankee clubhouse. Smart! By the way, if any of you RwR readers hear news reports about someone claiming to have buried other Sox jerseys underneath various load-bearing pillars of the new Yankee Stadium, well, Rickey don't know nothing about it. Not a thing. No sir, Rickey was out of town when those calls were made. Rickey has alibis.

Anyhow, in a completely surprising move, the normally cool tempered & rational Hank Steinbrenner hastily ordered the shirt excavated at taxpayer expense, complete with live media coverage, in a manner eerily reminiscent of the unearthing of Saddam Hussein from his foxhole. (No word yet on the buried whereabouts of the Yankees’ dignity). So while the nation collectively exhales at the removal of this insidious article of clothing from the hallowed ground of the new Yankee Stadium, Rickey has jotted down a few ideas of his own to help put a permanent hex on the new Yankee Stadium and it’s occupants.

1) Release the Rally Monkey deep within the confines of Yankee stadium. Everyone knows that the Angels are great at giving the Yanks problems, so why not see what their team mascot can do to jinx ‘em? The Yanks must absolutely fear that little simian by now. And best of all, he’s a monkey, so he’ll have no problem evading Yankee security by swinging from electrical cords and hiding inside pipes and whatnot while subsisting on a diet of ballpark franks and beer. You don’t think the Rally Monkey running amok in the bowels of Yankee stadium might mess with the Yankees’ heads just a bit?

2) You know how a few of the more feisty nations in the Middle East have long traditions of public beheadings at soccer stadiums? We’re thinking that something along those lines could be arranged with Yogi Berra before a Yanks game. Would that be too violent? It’s a whole lot better than having to watch “Yogi and a Movie” presenting “Hoosiers” for the eight millionth time on YES, isn’t it? Eh, ok then, since not everyone is on board with the “behead Yogi Berra in public” thing…

3) Roasted Aflac duck night at the stadium it is. (Rickey has to get to Yogi somehow—we suspect that the duck’s the key to the whole operation).

4) Get Alex Rodriguez liquored up on peach schnapps (his favorite!) and introduce him to a large, overly muscular woman. We’re thinking of WWF’s Chyna, but Lynn Conkwright would also do in a pinch--the bottom line is that the dude likes his females suspiciously endowed. The theory here is that much like Samson, A-Rod’s vigor and overall baseball playing abilities would quickly be drained by this Amazonian succubus. Or, conversely, it could make him bat .585 for the rest of the season. There’s really no way of knowing until someone tries this out.

5) Play John Ashcroft’s stirring rendition of “Let The Eagle Soar” during the seventh inning stretch at the new Yankee stadium. Unlike their customary 45 minute rendition of “God Bless America,” this ditty weighs in a mere 2:36, thereby eliminating the longstanding Yankee tradition of icing the opposing teams’ bullpen pitcher. Best of all, Yankee fans get to keep their deluded notions of patriotism, so everything’s still hunky-dory!

6) Petition to have Joe Girardi replaced with Don Mattingly. We know, it’s kind of like the logic behind Rush Limbaugh telling his listeners for vote for Hillary Clinton, but bear with us, because this one might actually work. This is because as far as curses go, “Donnie Baseball” has essentially been the freaking Chupacabra for the Yanks. Take a look at the facts in this Village Voice story:

- Mattingly was drafted to the Yanks in 1979. That year, they finished 4th in their division (a year after winning the World Series).
- From 1980 to 1995, Mattingly remains in the organization and the Yanks don't win the world series.
- Mattingly retires at the end of the 1995 season after a loss in the first round to the Mariners. One year later (1996) the Yankees win the Series.
- In 1997 Mattingly raises the World Series Flag. The Yanks are promptly knocked out in the division series in 1998.
- 2000 – Mattingly has no association with the Yankees. They go on to become W.S. Champions.
- 2001 Mattingly serves as hitting instructor in Spring Training. The Dynasty pretty much ends.
- With Mattingly as Hitting Coach/Bench Coach from 2003-2007, the Yanks get knocked out every year.

Now that, friends, is a legitimate jinx. Don Mattingly for Yanks manager immediately! The coaching decision by Girardi to pitch to Manny Ramirez this past weekend was completely unforgivable!

Feats of the Wit!

Every once and a while, Rickey comes across an online contest that tickles his fancy and kindles his inner competitive fire. We feel that the one we’re about to delve into absolutely qualifies as such. Because nothing makes for good comedy quite like yesterday’s dashed visions of tomorrow, Author Mark Rayner over The Squib (your one stop shop for all things monkey-related) is running a contest revolving around vintage ads of fictional futures. The premise behind the competition is that you must comb the internet for vintage ads and then insert a product in them from a fictional future. Kind of nifty, no? Behold, the rules!

1) Create your masterpiece
2) Post it to your blog (Wondering why you had to read about this today? Well this is why)
3) Link to Mark's post
4) Wait for the aplomb and/or ridicule of your peers. (There will be much of the latter we’re assuming)

What could drive such a vain and self centered fellow as Rickey to spend a whopping 7 minutes on this exercise? Well you see, the grand prize consists of a prominent walk on role in Mark’s upcoming novel, and that prompted Rickey, ever in search of literary immortality, to cast his mismatched hat in the ring. Please note that while Rickey was one of the miscreants formally tagged to participate in the contest, it is open to anyone with a keen sense of humor and a basic working knowledge of graphics editing software. Or you could just scribble "I am the Omega Man!" in crayon on a postcard of Belleville, NJ and submit it to Mark and see what happens. And so, without further delay, below is Rickey’s submission:
A disclaimer: Rickey doesn’t have Photoshop, so this stunning composition had to be crafted on the graphical powerhouse that is Microsoft Paint. Another disclaimer: the submission is more marginally clever than funny, but hey, let’s see one of you bastards do better. A hearty handshake goes to the first person to correctly identify which trippy 60’s science fiction novel the slogan is derived from. Two hearty handshakes go to the person who can identify the nickname of those who are enthusiasts of the author of the story.

Consoling The Inconsolable

Despite last night's Mets victory thanks to a hellacious number of Phillies errors and the mystical powers of Mike Pelfrey's pacifier mouth guard, Rickey has noticed an inordinate amount of squawking reverberating from the Mets fanbase as of late. From whence does this fickle dissatisfaction hail? Rickey's assuming that the recent whining sprouts from the fact that many Mets fans out there might be relatively new to the idea of rooting for this storied baseball franchise. So we'd like to take a moment to address you casual newcomers directly:

Hi! Everyone here? Great, allow Rickey to proceed. So you've decided to become a Mets fan, congratulations! Rooting for the Metropolitans comes with a unique set of challenges and rewards that greatly distinguishes it from rooting for... let's say the Yankees. Twenty six World Series wins have earned their fans the right to expect great things from them each and every season (no matter how insufferably prickish they might be about it). Your Mets? Not so much. So while you may be deeply unsatisfied that Johan Santana has yet to snatch an airplane out of the sky and hurl it at Turner Field, just take a deep breath and relax for a second, ok? Because when you put things in perspective, Mets fans have no right or historical basis to expect a bombastic 7-0 start to the season.

You see, newbies, following the Mets is essentially the sporting equivalent of reading a "Choose Your Own Adventure!" novel. Turn to page 67 to read about Jose Reyes being named NL player of the month. Turn to page 110 to read about Reyes doing his very best impression of Rey Ordonez at the plate. The Mets, while often thrilling, will continue to find new and unique ways to screw the pooch (no matter how much of a big market team they have become in recent years) and it’s up to you to turn the page and find the silver lining in each day’s newspaper headlines. This will undoubtedly prove difficult as Rickey can tell you firsthand that the Mets are not a team that is known for making things easy. But maybe, just maybe, you’ll be lucky to be watching a sunny day game at Shea when John Maine pitches a brilliant no hitter, David Wright hits for the cycle, or Willie Randolph, against all odds, masters the complexities of the double switch.

Baseball seasons are long for a very good reason: this sport is something you are meant to enjoy gradually, much like a fine scotch or a stimulating evening of crocheting novelty teapot cozies. Try to judge the Mets on a day by day basis and you might come up against severe disappointment. Besides, have you ever actually tried to sit down and intently watch an entire 4 hour baseball game on tv? It’s not easy, is it? This is why Rickey usually has the game on the television while he’s doing other things—it makes for terrific background accompaniment. This attitude is what enables Rickey to weather the inevitable peaks and troughs of each season. Not happy with this less intense concept of being a Mets fan that Rickey’s preaching? That's fine: you’ll find all emergency exits properly marked and easily accessible. The Red Sox and Yanks bandwagons haven’t quite achieved critical mass just yet…

And with that, Rickey’s out. Tomorrow, Rickey’s taking the old man to a ball game at Shea, where the two of them will do their damndest to remember everything Rickey just typed as they behold Nelson Figueroa emerging from baseball exile to pitch his first MLB game in four years.

Rickey Recommends

This is where Rickey posts recommendations of noteworthy consumables, practices, and pastimes that have been deemed invaluable for the reader’s betterment. All products and pieces of advice listed herein have been Rickey tested and approved. Again, this is in no way shape or form a complete rip off of McSweeney’s (fa-la-la-la-la, lawyers, Rickey can’t hear you). Enjoy our latest installment of

RICKEY RECOMMENDS

Keeping meat in the freezer. Rather handy if we may say so ourselves. Rickey makes a habit of stocking his freezer with an assortment of meats and poultry at all times, just in case those Dust Bowl days return.

The musical stylings of Bruce Springsteen covering Pete Seeger on “We Shall Overcome: The Pete Seeger Sessio