Welcome back to Blogroulette. You know the rules by now, so let's get right to it. After Rickey’s first two clicks took him to blogs of parents fawning over their children, Rickey was extremely concerned he was going to have to re-name this column “Rickey Doesn't Give a Shit About Your Kids, Buddy.” But then we hit pay dirt. Behold: “Completely Random,” a blog written by a 24 year old ESPN employee, chronicles the life of a charming young lady coming to grips with issues of identity in Manhattan, as she invokes the proud literary tradition of Sylvia Plath and Gertrude Stein in her pursuit of…
….oh who the hell are we kidding. This blog is terrible. Just the most banal and uninteresting thing we’ve read in weeks. We're pretty sure this airheaded blog alone will set the feminist cause back a good decade or two. But on the plus side, it buries the needle on the unintentional comedy meter. Witness the scribe’s profound treatise penned on July 23, entitled “Always a Bridesmaid…” Poor grammar ahoy, people!
“So yesterday I was watching Sex & the City & it was that episode when Carrie & Aiden first start dating & she's not sure if she is just his friend or is his girlfriend.”
Strap in folks, this is going to be a brutal one. Why do women continuously ask themselves this question? Isn’t it fairly clear whether or not one is in a relationship? Does the guy actually have to loudly proclaim “WE ARE NOW ENTERING INTO A RELATIONSHIP” in order to alleviate your uncertainty?
“This kind of made me think about last week when I was at 519.”
What is that? A bar? Some sort of WWII code? Youth culture completely escapes Rickey.
“Alyssa said how I am always our friends' boyfriends' favorite. So why then, if all of these guys love me have I not found a boyfriend? I am in no way saying that I wish I had my friends' boyfriends, that is certainly not it.”
Heavens, certainly not, no! Rickey thanks you for clarifying that issue.
“What I am saying is that I am always the friend & never the girlfriend. Am I not girlfriend material? Is it because I am too much like a boy in that I love sports & beer?”
Er, no, Rickey's guessing that your third grade reading/writing skills have more to do with it.
“Probably not because Sam is like that too & she always has a boyfriend. Is it because I am too picky & overlook the good ones? Perhaps. Watching Carrie trying to figure out if Aiden was her boyfriend also reminded me of a number of relationships that I have had. In one, we would get along like great friends & make out frequently but when it came to an actual relationship, it never really came about. Another had been my best friend but when it came to us being more then that, it never worked out no matter how many times we tried. I'm having a similar puzzle now.”
You’re “having a similar puzzle now”? Rickey doesn’t think that means what you think it means.
“This guy used to be my best friend & then we lost touch & recently reconnected again. Now we talk everyday but it's hard to tell if it's more then just a friendship.”
OK, look, Rickey’s been out of the dating scene for the better part of a decade, but here’s what you need to ask yourself: are you spending time alone with this guy? Does he compliment you and stuff? Are you learning things about each other? Also, is insertion occurring? If the answer is ‘yes’ to at least two of these, then mazel tov, you’ve got yourself a bonafide relationship! Meet your beau next Wednesday for the official “RELATIONSHIP KICKOFF MEETING” in which you will exchange phone numbers, emotional baggage, and the “Keeping up with the Kardashians" Season 2 DVD box set!
But for a Yankee hater like Rickey, it doesn’t get any worse than her July 21st post, “Ladies Night Out!”
“So it's been a while but I'm coming back with a bang! You know that “Make a Wish” foundation? Well I’m not dying (knock on wood) but I got my wish granted last night!”
Well, in a metaphysical sense, we’re all dying, albeit very slowly. For example, a part of Rickey dies with each additional sentence he reads on your blog.
“I attended CC Sabathia’s 30th birthday party at the 40/40 club in NYC & partied with all the NY Yankees. Thanks to Sam Sank’s former company, I get invited to some pretty nice events but they generally fall on weekdays that I’m in CT so can’t go. I happened to be home this weekend & due to some bad luck which turned out to be great luck, I got to go to this exclusive event not opened to the public.”
Well congrats on hob nobbing with famous people. Rickey saw SNY’s Kevin Burkhardt at a Mets game this past weekend and loudly yelled his name! He totally turned around and scowled at Rickey! Mets Fever: Catch it!
“So we go up to the upstairs bar & Marcus Thames & I made eye contact & he must’ve thought I was someone else at first because he pointed at me & smiled & then walked across the room to come over to me & give me a kiss & hug hello. I think he then realized his mistake but was very cool nonetheless & we were like old pals. Once he started talking to Joba Chamberlain we decided to take a shot with them (Red Headed Sluts are Joba’s go-to, we have this in common.) So shots with Joba, old friends with Marcus & the night was only beginning. Got sandwiched between Alex & Joba while walking.”
Rickey believes this maneuver is referred to as “The Throgs Neck Pattycake”
“Shook the hand of Reggie Jackson. Danced with Curtis Granderson (who is an amazing dancer!) Re-introduced myself to some current Yankees who were once upon a time Staten Island Yankees that I had to drive to & from the stadium when I interned there & they were both super duper nice. Francisco Cervelli was the one I was hoping would remember me & he at least pretended to & then the rest of the night would give me a wink & a smile every time he saw me. I wished CC a Happy Birthday & he gave me a big papa bear hug & said “Thank you & thank you for coming.” Happy to be there, CC.
We guarantee the Mets don’t do stuff like this. Angel Pagan just stays home every night and stares menacingly at a poster of Roy Oswalt.
Had a few convos with Phil Hughes. Shoved several girls out of the way to introduce myself to Robinson Cano & I got to see that big beautiful smile in person & it was aiming at me & then I got a kiss on the cheek & could’ve died a happy girl. David Robertson cleared the way to the bar so I could get there. Bumped into (literally) Brandon Jacobs of the NY Giants & feared for my life because he is so big.”
There’s probably some other subtext going on in that last sentence that Rickey would prefer not to delve into…
“I also played craps for a while & I won somebody $21,000 which I still am not sure if I was playing with real money or not. It was all-in-all AMAZINGG & I am pretty much the coolest person alive.”
Indeed you are, and that irrefutable reputation is cemented by this gem of a blog post about your wayward turtle, entitled “Texas Willie.”
“I have been told by a number of people that I should write a book.”
These people who tell you this, they’re homeless and deranged, correct? You really shouldn't listen to those guys.
”I have a few ideas & I am definitely going to get serious about it at some point, but I'm pretty sure this past weekend has stepped up my game a bit. I have 2 very separate ideas & one is a children's book. The title? "The Adventures of Texas Willie: Big Excitement Based on the True Stories of a Little Turtle."
Please tell Rickey that’s just a working title and that you didn’t spend a sleepless night agonizing over it…
This past weekend, the turtle wrote his own story: "Texas Willie's Great Escape". On Saturday morning I woke up & my turtle was not in his tank. Since he had been living in this tank for quite some time, I thought it was physically impossible for him to get out. So I looked around the apartment & couldn't find him but I knew he had to be somewhere around so I didn't really worry too much. I put food around & figured he would be sitting by one of them when I woke up. He was not.
Rickey believes that in great literature, this plot device is known as THE REVERSAL. High drama indeed!
"Day 2 was a bit of a different story. This is when I turned crazy. I came up with several theories about what happened to him."
So let Rickey get this straight: there’s a reptile loose somewhere in your apartment and you’re coming up with conspiracy theories about the situation like it’s the goddamn JFK assassination? How about actually looking for the turtle?
“My main theory was this: I lock my door out of habit when I come home. Friday I was cooking & the smoke alarm went off so I shut it off. I got in the shower & after I got out, a little while later I noticed the door was unlocked. I didn't think much of it. That was until my turtle went missing for 2 days. The theory developed into somebody coming into my apartment while I was in the shower & stealing my turtle out of his tank. They took nothing else, only Texas Willie. I knew it sounded ridiculous at the time, but I rationalized it enough in my head that it was a credible idea to me. My mother was no better because she agreed with me that this could be true instead of telling me I was a reTard.”
No words… should’ve sent… a poet…
“If you thought Day 2 sounded bad, you ain't seen nothing yet. I awoke Day 3 & before even brushing my teeth, I searched. Then I watched 90210 & called my landlord.”
Indeed, in dark times like this, Rickey also finds himself wondering, what would Brian Austin Green do?
“I proceeded to tell her my theory that someone broke in & stole my turtle & she appeased my insanity by telling me she would have someone change my locks. I took out the paper to start making "Missing Turtle" posters but decided I would give 1 more good look around for the 10 zillionth time first. I flipped over my couch again & decided I should slice open the bottom to see if he was somehow inside the couch. As I was about to do this, I heard a bumping kind of noise. So I checked out the kitchen again but to no avail & figured it was something across the hall. As I was slicing & dicing open my couch, I heard it again. It sounded as if it was coming from inside my refrigerator so I opened it up & looked in the bottom drawer. It was at that point that I saw a space underneath the fridge that I hadn't noticed before. So I got out my flashlight & shined it underneath & TADA!!!! There was his little turtle shell lodged underneath the fridge all the way towards the back. How he got himself back there, I will never know. I didn't know if he would still be alive so I poked him with a curtain rod & I saw his leg move! I cried I was so happy. Then I had to introduce myself to my neighbor by asking him if he could help me, because my turtle was stuck under the refrigerator. So he & his wife came & helped pick up the fridge & we got him out. So Texas Willie is now back in his tank safe & sound & I have returned to being a sane human being (or as much as is possible for me.) I also have Chapter 4 of my children's book all ready to go.”
Ladies and gentlemen, the 2010 Caldecott Medal for excellence in children’s writing goes to…
Finally, the author tosses up a timeless post on the weighty issue of female identity and sports allegiance. Readers, we close out this edition of Blogroulette with: R-E-S-P-E-C-T . Quothe the scribe:
“Here's what I love most about being an ESPN employee: I am finally taken seriously as a real sports fan.”
It took the better part of an hour before Rickey could stop convulsing with laughter and continue reading the post. For giggles, let’s play “Invent an Equally Incongruous Statement”!
-Here's what I love most about being a BP employee: I am finally taken seriously as a real environmentalist.
-Here’s what I love most about being a Klingon: I am finally taken seriously as a calm and cool-headed individual.
-Here's what I love most about being a member of the 1825 Decembrist Uprising: I am finally taken seriously as a supporter of Tsar Nicholas I.
But Rickey digresses… moving on…
“This may sound odd because anyone who knows me knows that's what I am all about. I'm a diehard but yet before, there were still those non-believers who were ALWAYS men. Why is it that when a guy says he loves sports, other guys simply believe him?”
Wait, we do? We just walk around professing our enjoyment of sports to strange men? Rickey can’t remember the last time he bumped into a random guy and blurted out “I enjoy professional sporting events!” and was then informed by the other guy “As do! Our covenant is complete!”
“I have met plenty a man who just says that so he sounds like a man, but when you really get down to it he has no idea what's going on. When I would tell people that I am a huge sports fan, they would have to test me. In general, I'd pass their tests but they wouldn't pass mine.”
Let Rickey guess, they asked you who plays shortstop for the Yanks, and you asked them where he’s getting married in November… Hard hitting stuff! Pop quiz: do you know who played shortstop before him?
“There was also a time that I was with another gal friend of mine who is also a very big sports fan. There was a guy that actually said the phrase, "I love it when girls pretend like they know about sports". He was lucky we just got up & left, rather then throwing drinks in his face or much worse. Are people really that archaic?”
Yes! They’re, like, totally archaic! Just like those ancient Greeks! OMGWTFBBQ!
“I'm not saying that every guy is like that. I have plenty of gentlemen friends who totally get how much I love sports & they absolutely respect it. Loving sports is part of who I am, which is why my new job is perfect. I'm no Buster Olney "Baseball Analyst" but just the title of working at ESPN has certainly brought me several levels up in the minds of those non-believers.”
Aw, but analysis isn’t that hard, even if you're not Buster Olney... Here, Rickey will give you an example. A-Rod has been stuck on 499 hits for quite some time now. Ergo, A-Rod proves once again that he is terrible under pressure. Presto, award-winning baseball analysis! Now you try!
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Welcome back to Blogroulette. You know the rules by now, so let's get right to it. After Rickey’s first two clicks took him to blogs of parents fawning over their children, Rickey was extremely concerned he was going to have to re-name this column “Rickey Doesn't Give a Shit About Your Kids, Buddy.” But then we hit pay dirt. Behold: “Completely Random,” a blog written by a 24 year old ESPN employee, chronicles the life of a charming young lady coming to grips with issues of identity in Manhattan, as she invokes the proud literary tradition of Sylvia Plath and Gertrude Stein in her pursuit of…
Thursday, July 29, 2010
You’re looking at sampling of nature’s bounty, freshly harvested from Rickey’s garden. A veritable cornucopia of organic goodness. The size of the eggplant and cucumber are fairly staggering. Unnerving even. Has Rickey mentioned that his house is within ten miles of a nuclear power plant? Sure, there’s a risk of “The China Syndrome” going down in Rickey’s backyard, but would you look at that magnificent bastard of an eggplant! Totally worth it.
You’re probably wondering what’s the deal with that black junk on Rickey’s roma tomatoes. We researched it and apparently they’ve contracted a vicious plant eating disease known as BLIGHT (which we’re pretty certain is the same affliction currently plaguing Rickey’s level 52 dark-elf in World of Warcraft). No cure is known for THE BLIGHT, so it looks like the tomatoes this season are a lost cause. Such is the dilemna of the organic gardner--you forsake the wonders of Dow Chemical knowing full well that something like this can happen.
While the woodchuck continues to devour Rickey’s crops unabated, we’ve come to somewhat accept the situation. Rickey’s approach to the matter mellowed out a bit once he learned that introducing a honey badger into the backyard was not a viable possibility. Life goes on, we suppose. The woodchuck takes what he needs to feed his family and leaves the rest for Rickey. It’s the very definition of a community garden.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Hey kids, what do you do when your baseball team of favor vehemently shits the bed? You hop a train down to your cross-town rivals’ stadium and root against them like your very sanity depends on it (because in actuality, it does). And that is precisely what Rickey did this past weekend. Like a pilgrim venturing into an unholy land, Rickey made plans with a friend to attend his first Yankees game in their snazzy new stadium.
Hearing that the Kansas City Royals were the opposing team, Rickey quickly procured himself a KC baseball cap and deeply immersed himself in Royals knowledge the night before the game. For a team that we weren’t aware was still officially recognized by MLB up until a few nights ago, the Royals certainly have some interesting things going for them. For example, did you know that Brian Bannister is not only alive and well, but actually occupying a starting pitching role for KC? No really, it’s true! Or that Wilson Betemit’s last name is in fact pronounced “Bay-tah-mee”? Crazy!
But probably the most striking thing about the Royals is how astonishingly bad a baseball team they are. Their heyday seems to have been in the 1980's when they were led by George Brett, a terrifying ogre of a man occupying third base who appears to have achieved Paul Bunyan like status amongst the Kansas City fan base. Things have deteriorated greatly for the Royals since then. In 2007 their team motto was “True. Blue. Tradition.” which inspired them to a 69-93 record. 2008 saw marked improvement as they changed their slogan to “New. Blue. Tradition.” and surged forward to a 75-87 record, marking the first time in five years they Royals didn’t finish last in their division. And then they finished dead last again in 2009. The 2010 season looks to be a turbulent one as KC has replaced their manager with baseball prodigy Ned Yost, whose previous credentials include the roles of obscure backup catcher on assorted 1980’s teams and part time taxidermist in Mississippi. Needless to say, much lamentation is transpiring in the Royals blogosphere.
And it was into this pit of despair that Rickey happily stepped as he headed off to the Bronx!
Yankee Stadium’s exterior façade is predictably grandiose. Walking in, one isn’t sure whether to expect to witness a baseball game or Yogi Berra locked in gladiatorial combat with a tiger.
And look, they even have a flutist to march you in! Apparently he’s there each and every game. Ladies, and gentlemen, the pied piper of the Bronx!
One of the more amusing sights was the fan tribute to recently deceased Yankee public address announcer Bob Sheppard, the so called “Voice of the Yankees” (the Mouth of Sauron, if you will). Here's his memorial!What a delightfully shitty memorial! When Rickey croaks, he totally wants to be commemorated like this: some soiled clothes strewn about, a bunch of dime store candles, and a few half empty bottles of beer. All that's missing from this picture is a forlorn three legged dog wandering around in the background. Shit, we think there may even be a few half eaten chicken wings in there. A true testament to the proud Yankees tradition!
After entering the stadium and enjoying two delicious Philly cheesesteaks grilled to perfection courtesy of Carl’s, Rickey and his buddy found their seats, and took in the view. It is begrudgingly impressive. The national anthem was played, and an image of the U.S. flag appeared on the Yanks’ jumbo screen with, we kid you not, the text “The Star Spangled Banner, as written by Francis Scott Key” above it. Well who the fuck else would’ve written it? Is there some Jethro Tull version of the song that we’re all totally unaware of? Mind numbing redundancy aside, the game finally commenced.
And then the effects of the midday heat sunk in. First off, you need to understand that it was 97 degrees and unbearably humid that day and that Rickey’s seats were in DIRECT sunlight. It might not seem hot in these pictures, but trust us, it was bad.
Enduring the Yankees’ unbearably loud PA system is bad enough, but when you’ve to put up with it in addition to Ra the ever living sun-god shining his magnifying glass of unrelenting vengeance upon you, things get a bit dicey. 75 SPF sun screen might as well have been Crisco. Unscrupulous vendors sold pocket fans for $20 a pop. Sweat poured from parts of people’s bodies in a manner previously deemed impossible by most medical professionals. Ice suddenly became currency. People were slumped against the stadium rotunda walls like the New Orleans Superdome circa August, 2005. And that’s precisely why, sometime during the third inning, Rickey thought it would be a good idea to power through his nagging case of heat exhaustion with a few beers. Smart, right?
Hell, Rickey was in hell. You probably can’t make it out in this image, but Rickey’s arm is like a freaking slip and slide. That grey damp mass to the left--that’s Rickey’s buddy’s shirt soaked in back sweat. Good news ladies: he's single!
The good news was that Rickey was not alone in his Royals pride. On the train ride down to the stadium, Rickey had proudly worn his KC hat and had been asked “are you really a Royals fan?” by more than one onlooker. Why yes friend, Rickey’s been a lifelong Royals fan ever since he discovered they still existed last night! But at the game, Rickey found other Royals fans just like him! People to engage with in highly informed commentary such as “this team sure is scrappy!” and “now that’s ROYALS BASEBALL!” Bottom line, this was a highly enjoyable game for a Yankee hater. The Yanks were undone by poor pitching and the Royals played small ball and capitalized. Here’s the final score Rickey savored while exiting the stadium: For Rickey, there is absolutely nothing more enjoyable than 50,000 disappointed Yanks fans walking dejectedly toward the parking lot. Look at the sad sea of tormented humanity on display in photo, it's like a Hieronymus Bosch painting! Shuffle home fools, YOUR TEARS SUSTAIN RICKEY. We have little else other than that to offer in the way of a recap. We do, however, have a video that Rickey shot of Alex Rodriguez at the plate. When a professional baseball player who commissions a portrait of himself depicted as a centaur is only one homer shy of his 600th career home run, Rickey figures it’s worth recording. And so we did. Behold, stunning video footage of the esteemed Alex Rodriguez NOT hitting his 600th home run!
The dude squawking "sitdownsitdownsitdownsitdown" is Rickey’s buddy. Funny how Yanks fans suddenly transform into Emily Post when they're at a ball game. The guy who jeers “NOT QUITE!” when Rodriguez blandly pops out? We will give you three guesses who that was… Eat a dick, A-ROD. Eat a big bag of dicks.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
It’s a blog about two kids playing baseball (the sports element is what linked Rickey’s site to this one). For bonus internet awkwardness, the blog is written entirely by the DARRINGTON BOYZ’ proud mother and discussing their exploits on and off the baseball field. We’re pretty sure that the milk in Rickey’s coffee curdled while he was perusing this blog. Thank god Rickey’s exploits are a constant source of disappointment and embarrassment for his mother, otherwise he’d probably have to put up with a website very similar to this one…. But enough exposition, here’s what the bright future of America looks like! There are words to describe this photo. Rickey, however, is at a complete loss for them. You can practically see the one on the right just working things out in his head--figuring out the best place to open up a quiet little hotel with some nice stuffed animals on the walls and maybe moving his mom in there to live with him. Oh, and we’re pretty certain that the one on the left is Cthulhu hiding in corporeal form.
The best part is that the mother is completely oblivious to the bottomless pits of terrifying nothingness dwelling in the eyes of her sons. Naturally, in the face of such alarming vapidity, she’s turned to Jesus. For those sorely in need of a deeply motivational quote to put up next to your “hang in there kitty!” poster, you’ll find the following pearls of wisdom on the blog:
Leave the rest to God.
Well that’s all very touching and whatnot, but Rickey’s would prefer to file his own tax return next year rather than entrust it to the J-Man if that's copacetic with you, honey. It’s a little unsettling how much overt religiosity you’ll find on these family blogs. Rickey’s buddy similarly lamented that his site always leads directly to a never ending supply of Mormon blogs, (presumably because like most other Jews, he uses the phrase "Jesus Christ" a heckuva lot). But Rickey digresses... There are yet more inspirational quotes from Mater Darrington to guide you through your hectic modern life!
Work as if it was your first day.
Forgive as soon as possible.
Love without boundaries.
Laugh without control and never stop smiling.
First off, if Rickey “worked as if it was his first day” he’d be queued up on a breadline by now. After seven years on the job, you think Rickey’s superiors would respond well to him suddenly asking where the bathroom was and what kind of 401K plan they offered? And “laugh without control”? Isn’t that what the Joker did to the fair citizens of Gotham? People died from that shit, lady. Not cool.
But then Rickey saw a blog post entitled “First Snow and Cougar Hunting” we got much more excited. What sort of lurid mischief could the Darrington Boyz be getting up to, we wondered?
Ah crap, she meant "cougar hunting" literally. Well that’s just not right at all. Apparently that whole “love without boundaries” thing stops short at large mountain cats whose natural habitats encroach upon the Darlington Boyz’ hunting grounds. We guess Rickey missed the section in the new testament in which Woodland Hunter Jesus lectures his apostles (his BOYZ, if you will) on the merits of snuffing out majestic felines for recreational fun. It’s probably hidden somewhere in the back.
You know what, we’d love to see the Darrington Boyz go toe to toe with a more challenging critter. Rickey recommends THE HONEY BADGER, probably the most fearsome land mammal ever to roam the earth. Take a gander at nature’s version of Winnie the Pooh on crack cocaine:
[h/t to “Badass of the Week." for making Rickey aware of this relentless beast. The video is all Rickey's doing--enjoy it before Jay-Z shuts us down]
Honey badger don’t give a fuck. Honey badger will mess your shit up. Honey badger is all teeth, fur, and balls. Ain't no love in the heart of the jungle, baby. Now THAT’S your motivational quote of the day.
Anyhow, we’d go on to post more about this blog , but it’s pretty much an amalgam of religious poems, insipid birthday parties at P.F. Changs, and the Boyz standing over various carcasses of recently slain wildlife. As for their baseball careers, it’s pretty much a lock that you’ll be seeing them on the Colorado Rockies in the not too distant future. Tune in next week to see what fresh hell Rickey stumbles upon in Blogroulette!
Monday, July 19, 2010
"Inception" is at once the best movie you'll see all summer, yet the most flawed as well. The movie boasts a wildly imaginative concept that's executed to near perfection from a storytelling point of view. However, the visual tableau in which the plot moves forward falls flat in a few places. The movie's ideas are intensely cerebral, but it lacks much of the necessary presentation to compliment it. At the very least however, this is a thought provoking and fast moving flick that is definitely guaranteed to kick your brain into overdrive for two and half hours. If "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" can claim the same, we'd be more than a little shocked.
The basic overarching plot is deceptively simple: it's a heist movie. Leonardo DiCaprio and a gang of thieves dive into the mind of a powerful industrialist in order to dissolve his energy company and thereby better the welfare of his competitors and humanity as a whole (hey, why can't we do this with BP?) But the way Leo accomplishes it and the manner in which it is explained and performed cinematically is what catapults this movie on to another level entirely. The movie unfolds on a level that we, as moviegoers, haven't had the pleasure of experiencing until now.
In order to pull off the heist, DiCaprio's character Cobb recruits various specialists and then plunges head first into the dream. The underlying science behind is left intentionally unexplained, which is OK with us--this is more of a fantasy movie than a sci-fi one. Cobb's plan is to plant the suggestion to dissolve his empire in the billionaire's head by plummeting into three consecutively deeper planes of his dream state and using the target's deep rooted father issues as leverage. Things go wrong when the team arrives in the dream to discover that the target has prepared for this mental invasion by "militarizing his subconscious" (best. line. ever.) and then the rest of the flick becomes a frantic scramble spanning around multiple layers of consciousness, some scenes constrained by gravity, some not. "We have to go deep" is a common refrain throughout the film, as Cobb's tenuous grip on reality grows shakier the deeper he travels.
Three nested levels of dreaming, unfold simultaneously at different paces, with characters running around about on each level. Each level's time progresses at a different speed. Absolutely nothing like this has been put on film before. Watching it all intricately unfold, crumble, and finally synchronize up again, we can't help but assume that Nolan played his fair share of three-dimensional chess in his younger days. The heist is absolutely brilliant, it occupies two thirds of the film, and the idea alone is well worth the $10 ticket price for this movie. Words simply can't do justice to the complexity that unfolds before your eyes. The movie is a testament to what cinema can convey.
The big problem is the visual execution. The gritty urban realism that director Chris Nolan perfected in his Batman movies doesn't serve him as well in a surreal movie about dreams. More than anything else, this is a movie about big crazy ideas, and either you're willing to forego normal cinematic conventions in order to get your brain tickled for two and a half hours or you're not. Rickey was cool with it, but some of you might not be. Don't get Rickey wrong, this is a terrific movie--easily the best of the summer, but it could've been even better if it took a bit more of an artistic leap.
At one point, Rickey said to himself, "hey, this is a dream, so why don't they just grow wings and fly around?" Sure, it sounds silly at first, but think about it. We're in the dream world here, so why not venture into the realm of the fantastic? When we dream, can't most of us do a little better than dreary Chicago in the rain? Isn't there more most of us could dream up than characters chasing each other around a dimly lit hotel? To it's credit, the movie pays scattered homage to other great dreamers such as Escher and Kubrick in many shots but when it comes to the third level of the mark's subconscious, a wintry snow scene, Nolan completely dodges the obvious shout out: Hitchcock and Salvador Dali's collaboration on the ski run scene in "Spellbound." Instead, we are bombarded with a James Bond style shoot out featuring fireballs and snowmobiles. Not quite as profound...
The obvious explanation for this restrained (and arguably unimaginative) take on dreams is that asking the audience to delve even deeper into the realm of the imaginary when they're already tracking three concurrent dreamlines is pretty demanding. Warner Brothers didn't spend $200 million to completely alienate their viewership and create more of an art house flick than a summer tent pole movie. We get that. Still, Rickey was ready to make the leap with them on this one and was left wanting when the visuals didn't match the trippy ideas the film traffics in.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Probably the most comedically rewarding thing Rickey's ever done was create a faux email address and toss it up on this blog for random passers by to send him messages. And woo boy, do those messages deliver. They're an electronic smorgasbord of human confusion, angst, and gleeful perversity. Frankly, we're amazed to think that so many people think the actual Rickey Henderson not only had the wherewithal to kick start a blog, but then proceeded to use the word "loquacious" in five separate occasions in 2009.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Getting your adult ADD under control. We don’t know about you, but modern technology is wreaking havoc on Rickey’s ability to function as a normal member of society. The smart phone, multiple email accounts, rss feeds, DVR schedule, Netflix queue, and online video gaming have taken a bit of a toll on Rickey's mental state over the years. But most alarming is what technology has done to Rickey’s porn viewing habits. Multiple tabbed browsing is the main culprit here. One window is never enough. No, Rickey needs sixteen Google Chrome windows simultaneously streaming the complete Sasha Grey oeuvre on his iMac like it’s like the goddamn control screen at CENTCOM. Yeah, that can’t be good… WHY HAS TECHNOLOGY RENDERED RICKEY SO UNABLE TO FOCUS IN THIS CRITICAL MATTER?!
“The Passage” by Justin Cronin. Hey, here’s a nifty change: an extremely well written piece of pop fiction about vampires! This first installment in an epic trilogy kicks off with mankind unwittingly unleashing a virus upon the population which turns anyone infected into crazy snarling vampires (although the book goes to great pains not to use the V-word, that’s pretty much what they are). Then, like in all great literature, the vampire apocalypse occurs. That’s the first 100 pages. Think of this book as an amalgam of Cormack McCarthy’s “The Road” and King’s “The Stand” and you’re on the right track. Extremely well written and entertaining, the book is a delight to read. We’re told that movie rights have already been snatched up by Ridley Scott. As you know, vampire stuff is insufferably popular right now, so if you’re dying to be trendy like all the other cool kids, but don’t want to rot your brain by reading Stephenie Meyer, this is definitely the way to go.
Kale Chips. Ever obsessed with maintaining regular bowel movements, Rickey is a big proponent of the dark leafy greens. Enter stage right: KALE. Despite being one of the most nutritious vegetables on the planet, kale also has the dubious distinction of tasting like broiled donkey grundle. Bummer, right? Here’s how to turn the tables back in your favor:
-Wash & dry kale leaves and lay them on a baking sheet
-Lightly brush leaves with oil of your choosing (vegetable or olive)
-Sprinkle sparingly with salt
-Bake kale for 10 minutes on each side at 350 degrees
Fairly easy no? The results are most excellent. Crispy and tasty like a potato chip yet healthy like a high colonic! And with this dish comes the assurance that your next bowel movement will be a wholly enjoyable one. One wipe and Rickey’s finished! Hey, look gang, here’s a picture:“Louie” on FX. Where in the blue blazes did this guy come from? From Rickey's id, that's where. Much like “Seinfeld,” his new show is a mix of standup and scripted comedy, yet delightfully profane. We assure you, this is a sure lock for your best new comedy of the season.
Arming yourself against the gathering Woodchuck menace. Rickey finally spotted him the other day. The little furry bastard that is devouring his garden. Last week he actually took one bite from three of Rickey’s eggplants. Taking a bite out of one wasn’t enough, no, that fuck needed to go from one eggplant to the next, chomping down then walking away, as if to say “nah, this large ripe black vegetable definitely isn’t for me, but I’m going to make goddamn certain that YOU don’t get to enjoy it!” And that’s why Rickey has become militant. There’s a BB gun in his parents’ house that will make short work of this foul beast. A soda can duct taped to the end of the barrel should do a decent job of suppressing the muzzle report and not alarming the neighbors. This is happening. We’ll toss up an image of Rickey standing over the vanquished beast in the coming days.
Not getting too nutty crunchy. While Rickey may proclaim to be eco-friendly with his organic garden and compost pile, there’s a point where everyone must draw the line. For Rickey, that point was when he was offered a book about picking and preserving produce, entitled “Putting Things Away.” They might as well have called it “Canning Your Dignity for the Winter!” Sure, we suppose that Rickey could spend hours sterilizing jars, concocting the proper solution, and pickling his cucumbers only to offer them to his guests a few weeks later and hear them say “hey, this tastes just like a Vlassic…” and revel in the awkward knowledge that Rickey just spent 140 man-hours replicating something readily available for $3.68. We’re sorry, but that’s time better spent on loftier pursuits. Like romancing oneself to a NORAD screen of Jenna Haze!
Steinbrenner’s defenders argue that his relentless acquisition of superstar players didn’t violate MLB’s free agency regulations and we should therefore just clamor down, because, hey, he’s allowed to do it. Well guess what? It also doesn’t say that you can’t grab 57 pieces of spicy yellowtail when you’re at the sushi buffet, but that still doesn’t make it an OK thing to do. Where’s the regard for the greater good? Now look what happens: Rickey’s stuck eating those disgusting salmon & cream cheese pieces of sushi because that’s all that’s left. Seriously: who puts cream cheese in sushi? What the fuck? (In this analogy, the salmon cream cheese sushi represents Oliver Perez).
Leveraging free agency for all it’s worth has cheapened baseball and undermined the balance of the game. Those who would proudly defend an unrepentant asshole like Steinbrenner’s right to act like an unrepentant asshole are also themselves… wait for it… Yep! Unrepentant assholes! They’re the same sort of people who cry foul when Con Ed remotely regulates air conditioners in times of peak energy demand because dwindling wattage be damned, Benny in the Bronx needs his basement masturbatorium humming at 57 degrees year round! They’re the people who demand the right to carry guns into places of worship for no ostensible reason other than they kind of liked that shoot out scene in the church in that John Woo movie with doves flying everywhere.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
“And Senators, if I may address the issue of gay rights by saying...”
I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and bright!
And I pity...
Any girl who isn't me tonight!
Fa la la laaaa la la la laaa!
Good times. But there’s still someone else whom Elana Kagan bears an even uncannier resemblance to. It took us a while to figure out, but then with the help of a delightfully irreverent law blog, Rickey finally placed it…. The nameless albino from “The Princess Bride!”
NO ONE WITHSTANDS THE MACHINE!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Rickey gets a little queasy when publishing companies start taking their cues from internet memes. What’s the latest hot trend in the fringe literary world? Zombies! More specifically, the zombification of cherished properties. While we do not debate the contributions that a novel such as “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” makes to society and we’re certainly a little curious about “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter,” we can’t help but wonder what the point in all this is. And that takes us to the latest installment in the zombie book craze: ZOMBIE BEATLES (the actual title is “Paul is Undead”).
Rickey’s going to venture a wild guess that the estates of John Lennon and George Harrison might have a thing or two to say about a novel featuring their rotting corpses ambling about. Paul probably heard the news and went back to strumming a mandolin and whistling. Ringo’s just happy anybody remembered to include him in the book. Not that Rickey is a big Beatle maniac or anything (their proto boy band was essentially a zombie operation of sorts) but still, this venture seems to be in fantastically bad taste.
So Rickey, no stranger to bad fantastically taste himself, will hop in the fray with a few zombie novel pitches of his own:
ZOMBIE SALIERI! 185 years since his passing, the oft overlooked musician’s reanimated corpse rises from the grave seeking much needed critical validation! Hungry for redemption, Zombie Salieri attempts to mimic the musical stylings of Ke$ha only to be met with lukewarm reception. Following a Z100 interview gone horrifically awry, Zombie Salieri is soon forgotten and suffers the indignity of playing second fiddle to the likes of La Roux and Timbaland! When will Zombie Salieri get the critical acclaim he so sorely desires???
ZOMBIE WINNIE THE POOH! When a global honey shortage strikes, the determined bear puts down the sweet stuff, roars “OH BOTHER!” and turns to brains for nourishment! You’ll look at this cherished children’s property in a whole new light when you read of Winnie playing “Poohsticks” with Piglet’s dismembered arms!
ZOMBIE BILL O’REILLY! Forsaking the terror of socialized healthcare, the famed television pundit neglects to schedule a prostate cancer screening and perishes shortly thereafter! Several months later, following a clandestine graveside summoning conducted by Anne Coulter, Michelle Bachmann, and Laura Ingraham, a vengeful ZOMBIE O’REILLY bursts free from the ground and slowly shuffles after the pinheads who have wronged him over the course of his corpulent former life! Lookout libs, ZOMBIE O’REILLY stalks the earth!
ZOMBIE ERNEST HEMINGWAY! It’s a farewell to arms indeed as the wrathful writer escapes his earthy confines and takes up residence in Key West, Florida to conclude his unfinished book! The bell tolls for any who dare approach the undead Hemingway and his army of zombie cats!
ZOMBIE WEREWOLVES! Thought you’d dealt with that werewolf problem in your basement? Think again, they’re back—as zombies! They’re the ultimate double threat! (Well, actually not really, since they’re zombies now and move pretty slowly and can’t catch you. But they do smell pretty bad so you’re probably going to want to go ahead and call Animal Control to take them away).
ZOMBIE MILLARD FILLMORE! Territorial neutrality, be damned! There can be no "great compromise" when the rotting corpse of President Millard Fillmore is on the prowl for brains! When there’s no more room in Hell, the Whigs shall walk the earth!
Friday, May 7, 2010
In this thrilling new column, Rickey shall award “cheers” to those exemplary parties deserving laudable mention, and “jeers” to those despicable individuals who have garnered his unfettered scorn. It’s a helluva lot like the weekly Daily Kos 'Cheers & Jeers' column, but minus the shallow and pedantic political diatribes. Enjoy our inaugural edition.
Update: oh hey, look! Rickey's sneering caused the loquacious libs at Daily Kos to actually feature this post! Awww, shucks Billy, Rickey thanks you from THE MODERATELY DECENT STATE OF NEW YORK!
We now return you to your regularly scheduled post:
Cheers to… John Favreau for filming "Iron Man 2," the most enjoyable superhero flick Rickey has seen to date. And don’t worry, as much as he wants to, Rickey promises he won't reach for a tenuous political allegory in this installment in the Iron Man franchise like he did last time. Free of all the burdens of the formulaic origin story that the first Iron Man movie was mired down in, this flick is a rollicking good time. As you may have heard, the plot isn’t all that great, but the brilliant dialogue and acting make up for it and the action scenes are mercifully sparse yet actually discernible. The film kicks off with our cocky prick of a superhero Tony Stark plummeting out of a whizzing plane in full red and gold metallic regalia, doing a bit of snazzy midair maneuvering, and landing prominently in the rejuvenated 1965 Queens World’s Fair grounds with a thunderous metal CLANG to a massive applauding crowd. Amazingly enough, the movie goes exponentially uphill from there. (Although Rickey would’ve loved to see Iron Man overshoot his landing zone and accidentally land in Citi Field to lukewarm applause and grumbles of “well, he can’t possibly be any worse than Oliver Perez” from sullen Mets fans). The people at the helm of this flick really nailed the tone of the Iron Man property. One day they're going to run out of raucous AC\DC songs to loop over the film's soundtrack. Happily, that day is far, far away. Rickey strongly urges you to go forth and enjoy Iron Man 2 this weekend in a heavily packed theater. Take the missus. It'll be serious fun.
Jeers to… 2K Sports for finding new and unique ways to rub it in to Mets fans. 2K Sports, publisher of a popular baseball video game franchise, offered a $1,000,000 prize to the gamer who could throw a perfect game in their new title MLB 2K10. And sure enough, somebody pulled it off and claimed the prize. The pitcher they used to win was Kenshin Kawakami. The team he pitched against? Ladies and gentlemen… your 2010 New York Mets!!!
Cheers to... Homeless people. Given the stock market's performance this week, Rickey is starting to suspect that you fellows are really ahead of the curve here. Rickey himself looks forward to his days as a homeless person and really making a good run of it. Why not have some fun with the experience? If Rickey was homeless, he'd breathe some life into this honored pastime by going into jewelery stores, picking out the most expensive necklaces, then reaching for his wallet only to loudly exclaim: "oh wait, I forgot, I'm fucking homless! Goddammit!" Rickey would also panhandle to pay for admission to museums so he could hop over the velvet rope and eat a famous painting such as a Monet. Rickey would totally scarf down that Water Lillies painting. He'd be the most expensive homeless person in the world!
Jeers to... Lawrence Taylor. Seriously, what the hell, dude? But hey, on the bright side, at least Rickey doesn't need to search as hard to get your signature on a football. He can just look up your name and address on a sex offender registry!
Cheers to… The good folks at BP Energy for making Rickey rich beyond measure. Now we all know that what’s happening in the Gulf Coast right now is a complete catastrophe, but that doesn’t mean somebody shouldn’t profit from it, right? That somebody is Rickey. You see, Rickey estimates that by the end of next week, the price of gulf coast shrimp will rival that of Bolivian nose candy. Rickey’s brilliant plan is to purchase up 10 metric tons of frozen shrimp from Costco tonight at discount prices and store it in a massive freezer in his basement and wait patiently. When the time is right and the public hungers for affordable shrimp, Rickey will spring into action and sell discount shrimp out of the back of his Saab 9-3 off the New Jersey Turnpike. Rickey’s gonna be rich, he tells you, rich!
Jeers to... The entire state of Massachusetts for continuing their proud tradition of wondrous incompetency. Rickey and Mrs. Henderson were in the greater Boston area last weekend when news flashes emerged that a major water main had ruptured nearby, leaving 2 million residents with no potable drinking water. (Why is it that wherever the Hendersons go, catastrophe follows them?) You know your weekend getaway has gone terribly awry when you witness Massholes in camouflage shorts and Red Sox hats lining up outside the local Kmart at 7AM to purchase cases of Poland Spring bottled water like the zombie apocalypse is upon them. The reason the Hendersons were up in the Boston was for a baptism for a friend’s newborn child. Were Rickey and Mrs. Henderson cracking jokes during the ceremony about the quality of the water the priest was dunking the kid in? Oh, you betcha.
Cheers to… Mothers everywhere. You gals are doing a heckuva job. Just stellar work all around. On this Mother’s Day weekend, Rickey just wanted you to know that.
Friday, April 30, 2010
To kick off the big Mets/Phillies series this weekend, Rickey has crafted something special for you: our very own Kraken-Mets video meme. And don't worry, we're pretty certain that it's the first of its kind. If Rickey needs to explain the humor behind THIS one to you, then we're sorry, but you're officially on your own. Enjoy:
Thursday, April 29, 2010
We give this post a shelf life of roughly 45 minutes before SNY, MLB, Paramount Pictures, the Raymond Scott Quintet, and anyone with a decent sense of humor shut it down for good. But until then, enjoy the frivolity! Below is a YouTube video that Rickey spent countless hours crafting. Because what do you do when everyone who reads your blog tells you that you should write a book? You stop writing your blog altogether and commence work on shitty YouTube videos! Brilliant!
Here's the premise behind the video (which becomes less humorous with each passing sentence Rickey devotes to explaining it): every Mets game, there is a "Play of the Game" which SNY announces. A while back, Rickey's buddy Adam, no stranger to viral videos, said something along the lines of "hey, what if we worked causality into this? What if we made a spoof of the "Play of the Game" called the "Causal Play of the Game?" Rickey loved the idea. You splice together a video beginning with a dinosaur stomping on a prehistoric fern leaf. Cut to the cliche video montage flash forwarding a few million years. Bam, there's Carlos Beltran getting caught looking to end the Mets 2007 season! Bingo, your Causal Moment of the Game!
Sounds nice, right? Yeah, well, below is that conversation taken to it's tragic and bewildering conclusion. We're sorry. So very sorry. Rest assured that the assets are now in place and the next installment will be better.
"I like Ike," get it? Ike Davis? Hello? Anyone? ...Bueller? Ahhhh, you're all humorless philistines. Pardon Rickey while he goes back to enjoying his first place Mets.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Well, we think we can file this story under the expansive header of "Things of Which Rickey had Heretofore Been Unaware." Since 2003, apparently there has been a wild turkey named Zelda inhabiting Manhattan's Battery Park. Rickey, on a lunch break from a meeting in the gloomy alien canyons of the financial district (seems like it rains every damned time Rickey's there) snapped a photo of the beastie in question. Behold:Park officials, being either big fans of F. Scott Fitzgerald's work or classic video games, decided to name the turkey Zelda. And we must admit, she seems pretty city-savvy, staying within the park confines and not recklessly venturing out into the busy street. Rickey would even go so far as to classify her as a jive turkey.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Your Official 2010 Mets Preview Thread of Rock Bottom Expectations, Rogue Thyroid Glands, and RAGE RAGE RAGE
Because Rickey is wholly unable to discuss the New York Mets in commonplace prose format, we’re throwing this one up Q&A style, (now complete with superfluous cultural references!)
So Rickey, I read that Vegas has the odds of the Yankees winning the 2010 World Series at a formidable 14/5 after the line opened at 3/1. Has anyone calculated the odds for the Mets?
Uh, yeah, we’ll get Hank from accounting right on that little query… Dude’s not nearly miserable enough. Rickey heard that somebody actually tried to figure out the odds, but promptly committed seppuku when they learned that Luis “Meat Train” Castillo has another 734 games to go until he’s halfway through his contract as a New York Met.
Well what do you calculate the Mets odds of winning the World Series to be?
Haha, you’re cute. Rickey admires your doe-eyed tenacity. The odds are about as good as Mrs. Henderson successfully teaching Rickey how to correctly load the dishwasher. What? Why can’t Rickey place the dishes face down on the lower rack? The knives don’t get put in the utensil basket pointy end up? Wood objects don’t go in here? A thousand curses upon you and this infernal machine, you treacherous harpy!
But you’re still going to attend a few games at CitiField, right?
Let Rickey tell you a story. Last week, Rickey went into the office men’s room to relieve himself, opened an unlocked stall door, only to find a rather portly man (thankfully not a coworker) sitting on the john with no shirt on. Rickey bolted from the scene and has since avoided that bathroom like the plague. Why wouldn’t the door have been locked? Why did that rotund man feel the need to take his shirt off? What the hell? All Rickey knows is that there’s some seriously bad mojo going on in that bathroom and he hasn’t gone back in there since. The point of this story: Rickey feels pretty much the same way about venturing into CitiField this season. It’s like walking into what you thought was an unoccupied bathroom stall only to find a shirtless fat man sitting on the toilet.
Aren’t you at least excited about the Jason Bay acquisition?
Absolutely! And Rickey will be even more excited when he stubs his toe on opening day, blames his .198 batting average on that and sits out the second half of the 2010 season collecting millions of dollars!
But we can still expect you to blog about the Mets from time to time, right?
Uh, don’t count on it. Three years since the 2007 debacle, Rickey’s keen satirical eye has waned to tired exasperation. The challenge of mocking this team is gone. Want some amusement? You’re better off writing your own “Choose You Own Mets Adventure” book at this point. Turn to page 118 if Ike Davis gets traded for an injury plagued Orlando Hudson during the 2011 offseason! Turn to page 78 if Jose Reyes’ thyroid goes nuclear!
What is Reyes’ deal anyway? Is he better now?
Reports suggest that yes, his thyroid levels have normalized and he will be available for opening day. So that was an interesting little diversion. You know what’s fun? When a news story about the delightfully insane decision to place a shortstop with a .435 career slugging percentage third in the batting order actually gets dwarfed by an even more maddening news story about their thyroid acting up. But yes, Reyes is back, which is good, because as far as Rickey knows, the Mets’ two backup shortstops are Rey Ordonez and Corrado Soprano.
What of Carlos Beltran? How’s he doing?
More and more, his tenure as a New York Met resembles that of Rubin “The Hurricane” Carter’s jail stint. The poor guy is so terrified of the Mets’ medical staff that he had his own doctor perform knee surgery on his ailing leg. Not that Rickey doesn’t have the utmost of faith in the Civil War battlefield surgery level expertise of the Mets’ doctors… Ahem.
So it’s safe to say that the Mets’ fanbase is a little disgruntled?
Well yes, but that’s generally always the case. This year it’s just a little bit more pronounced. Also, it doesn’t help that 99.8% of Mets fans are completely out of their goddamned minds. It’s not unusual for call ins like this to transpire on Mike Francessa’s show on WFAN:
“Hey Mike, tanks fuh takin' my cawl. What do you think of trading Beltran to da Cawdnuls for Wainwright and Pujols? I think it's a slam dunk fuh da Mets, why doesn't Omah make dat trade? I'm gonna hang up and listen to youah response.”
Rickey’s always wondered, why do the WFAN callers always hang up so quickly? Those lunatics spend hours waiting on hold and then they hang up after spitting out 50 words of jibber jabber? Really?
So what’s your final prediction for the 2010 season?
If they make it over 76 wins, Rickey will be shocked. If they don't we've got the return of Bobby Valentine to look forward to. Now for that, Rickey will get excited.
Monday, March 22, 2010
It was a gorgeous weekend in Rickey’s neck of the woods and he rose to the occasion by making good on his pledge to get working on his garden. Is there anything better than spending a sunny afternoon ferrying to-and-fro from Home Depot and nailing together pieces of wood in the back yard? Rickey suspects not. There’s no way you can help but to feel like an alpha male when doing this sort of thing. Behold, an engineering marvel second only to the Hanging Gardens of Babylon: What you’re looking are several 3’x6’raised beds filled with a mixture of garden soil and manure. (After spending a day watching Rickey handling cow dung, Mrs. Henderson has taken to refer to him as her “shitty husband.”) Rickey fully expects that this rich black dirt, darker than the volcanic ashes of Mt. Vesuvius, will yield a bountiful harvest this year. …Well, that’s assuming the local fauna decide to leave anything for Rickey.
See, the very first night after Rickey sowed a bed with cucumber and spinach seeds, ravenous animals descended under cover of darkness to root up Rickey’s labors.
AND SO IT BEGINS.
Rickey was considering arming himself against this menace, but purchasing a gun probably isn’t the best move here. Rickey has already bought a lot of fertilizer and is exploring the possibility of picking up high powered growlights as well. Add a firearm to that list, and well, we’ve got to believe that there’s some sort of FBI watch list that Rickey would be popping up in. So Rickey did the next best thing he could do—he installed chicken wire over the bed. Look at what Rickey hath wrought with his hands!
Now these babies are on LOCKDOWN. As impenetrable as a Russian gulag. There’s even a power outlet right next to the beds should Rickey feel the inclination to electrify them!
After this grueling work, Rickey celebrated with a BBQ. We think we’ll just let these pictures speak for themselves.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Good evening, dear sweet America. Last night I carefully explained to you how providing health care coverage to people who are uninsured is the same as pouring gasoline on them, lighting them with a match, and then pushing them down a flight of stairs. Tonight, we discuss something even more important. Something bowel-shakingly alarming. This morning, I was enjoying my customary breakfast of lard, rum, and scrambled eggs when I happened to stumble upon something very upsetting. Look at this box of eggs. Look closely.That's right people: PROGRESSIVE pastured eggs! Deviously hiding from the hormones and antibiotics that would otherwise compel them to grow up to be proud American fowl! When I saw this, I did the only responsible thing: I induced vomiting, then wrapped myself in a blanket and cried. I cried for America. Now, you might say, “Hey, Glenn, what’s the big deal here? They’re just eggs!” But let me tell you friends, this is a very serious threat to our way of life.
We all know that the progressive movement is a cancer in America and that it is eating our Constitution before our eyes. Make no mistake, socialist revolutionaries lurk amongst us and with this stunning development, it is clear to me that they are now knocking at our very barnyard doors.
Who knows what tiny feathered menaces are incubating in these progressive eggs? Who can possibly hope to contain Komrade Kluck when he breaks free of his eggshell confines and recruits others to his insidious Marxist cause? Friends, we need a national chicken registry, and we need it now. We need to know the whereabouts and agendas of these clucking menaces before it is too late. Socialist fowl present a clear and present danger to our fragile republic. These subversive chicks threaten to make cuckolds of us all. Who will take a stand against rampant tyranny such as this? In these dangerous times, when will someone finally give a voice to the aggrieved white male?
Who exactly is behind this insidious plot? Why, none other than our old friend Margaret Hamburg, head of the shadowy and mysterious arm of government known as the FDA. For months, Mrs. Hamburg has refused to denounce the gender confusion caused by that rancorous beast, the Cadbury Bunny. And as if living in a world where deviant rabbits could lay eggs wasn’t bad enough, now she’s taking things to the next level: the widespread indoctrination of millions of our nation’s chicks! With this development, the Obama administration moves one step closer to realizing its horrific progressive agenda—a Prius in every garage and a Marxist chicken in every pot.
Sweet tropical Jesus, the mere thought of this scares me. And when I'm scared, I cry. I cry a lot.This crisis ruffles my feathers. It ruffles them to my very core. Has no one learned the lessons from the classic conservative literary masterpiece that is Chicken Little? It was written by Horatio Alger and tells the story of one brave young chicken’s struggle to alert his barnyard friends and family of the looming socialist menace. Sadly, nobody listens to him and then, of course, the Rapture happens.
This book won many awards and was even presented to Margaret Thatcher by President Reagan as a gift for emerging victorious over the puffin menace in the Falkland Islands War. I highly recommend it. But let me tell you, if these progressive eggs become commonplace, we may never see the likes of courageous Chicken Little ever again, and that scares me. And it should scare you, my sweet precious America. Little by little, our freedoms, the principles of capitalism, the idea that we control our own lives and make our own decisions are all being stripped from us. Tonight, I ask you to join me in this fight and rise up against our leftist chicken overlords.
Good night and good luck to us all.
And now, a word from our proud upstanding sponsors, Eztense Penis-Enhancing Pills, the Baconwave Bacon Cooker, and Cash4Gold.com!