Thursday, February 21, 2008

Fun With Google

Being ridiculously full of himself, Rickey is always interested in the manner that lost souls roaming the internet find their way to this site like moths drawn to flame. Who is Rickey to be so fraught with hubristic curiousity, you might ask? Well no one in particular, just an anonymous internet jackass whose site happens to pop up as the third result when someone Googles the name Rickey Henderson. So we’ve got that going for us. So here, in no particular order, are a few keyword search site visits to RwR that caught Rickey's ever watchful eye:

Buffalo Chicken Tenders (We'll share a little secret with you: this is actually how 90% of our visitors discover this site. If we were smart, we’d do a cross promotion with Maalox.)

I am a pilgrim in an unholy land (Yes! Yes you certainly are! Welcome to RwR!)

mets fucked up in 2007 (Well that’s one way of putting it. Another, and much more accurate way would be to say that suddenly, and with no prior warning, the entire franchise spontaneously combusted last fall. Anyhow we’re #5 in a yahoo search for that phrase—most excellent.)

Rubber riding cult (Well that’s rather unnerving. We don't remember discussing anything along those lines. But hey, at least the keyword searches for "mastrabatorium gulag" seem to have abated)

STEVE SOMMERS WFAN MARRY (Someone wants to marry Steve Sommers?! That’s so ridiculously awesome. Come to think of it, so does Rickey.)

hairy arms rachael ray (Rickey’s rather fond of critiquing Rachael Ray, primarily because her "quick & easy" cooking shtick promotes the ideal of convenience held holy by U.S. fast food culture. The woman must be stopped. If that means calling her swarthy and characterizing her as a culinary version of Sacco & Vanzetti, well then, so be it. Swarthy, swarthy, Italians...)

civil war rickey (Indeed, Rickey has experienced the incommunicable experience of war while fighting to prevent the dissolution of the Union. It's seething hell and black infernal background haunt Rickey dreams.)

jousting was against church law (And it still is... particularly that of the finger jousting variety, which if we're not mistaken, was outlawed by Vatican II)

where does rickey henderson live? (In your hearts and minds, much like Tinkerbell! But more specifically, in Westchester County, New York, right next to the X-Men mansion)

Collective Soul popular with what age group (none, and we’re striving to keep it that way)

Archie Manning is a god: we all know that. (Now that, folks, is an extremely definitive and specific google search. Which begs the question, why even bother searching in the first place? Your mind seems to be made up on the matter already…)

Why is the celery in a bloody mary? (Because you need to temper your copious alcohol intake with some vegetables)

wife hits moose (talking squirrel seeks revenge)

lychee "contains no konjac" (well we should certainly hope not, not after Rickey’s expose on the matter)

paying for Vassar (all it costs is forty grand a year and your dignity!)

how to get chippopatamus (Vivaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Piñata!)

pipe smoker actor james Cromwell (He seems like a pipe aficionado—all tweedy and whatnot. True story: a family member of Rickey’s once bumped into this guy buying irish whiskey at a liquor store)

does jack bauer get overtime? (yes, but thanks to CTU being stingy, it’s comp time, not paid OT. Why do you think he’s so pissed off all the time?

Speaking of all things Jack Bauer related--Adam, (Rickey's drinking buddy/copatriot/life partner) has ramped things up considerably over at The Jack Sack. Rickey strongly advises a trip over there for a dose of seriously inspired humor. As a rule, we appreciate blogs that feature photoshopped pictures of Jack Bauer's face onto a photo of Slim Pickins from "Dr. Strangelove" riding the bomb down. 'Nuff said.

And with that, Rickey bids adieu and takes his leave for sunny Orlando, Florida for a weekend of rum assisted poolside relaxation. We were saddened to learn that Roger Clemens will not be appearing at the upcoming ESPN event at Disney World in Orlando, and wonder if it is mere happenstance that this announcement coincides with Rickey's imminent arrival in the sunshine state. We're inclined to think not. Rickey will return next week with yet more wanton frivolity.

[Posted at Humor-Blogs]

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Qelqoth said...

Random search engine referrals sure are fun. The best one I ever had was "Please tell me how to dick Virgina". So I did. It's important to give the people what they want.

AmyV said...

I am a pilgrim in an unholy land is just balls-out awesome!

(Note: I'm not quite sure I ever used the phrase "balls-out" before I started frequenting this blog.)

Statler said...

Rickey, I just wanted to say thanks for stopping by the blog and becoming FTB's first commenter. We'll erect a solid gold (okay, okay, spackle and smoothed out Reese's wrappers) statue of you in the foyer.

Steve said...

Haha Jack Bauer is always pissed because the people he works with suck and have no brains. "Chloe what are you doing!!?? You idiot!!" He wishes Jack Bauer - fictional badass could be Kiefer Sutherland - ladies man and alcoholic.

Adam said...

It's true that Google searches are very kind to blogger sites, being that they own the whole shebang. WordPress is for the Bill Gates crowd!

Haley said...

Bon voyage Rickey!

Smitty said...

Enjoy the trip Rickey. Sorry you won't be able to heckle Clemens.

leigh said...

my favorite google search which led to my blog was "pee in a lake." that one made me wonder.

plus there's a steady stream of "jason statham shirtless" queries emanating from the san francisco area. no explanation necessary.

Adam said...

And of course, thank you for the unsolicited pimpage!

upstate met fan said...

I'm impressed. Rickey astually used the eñe in Piñata. Nice.

You know. I was trying to be smart to get you something cool to search for when I got sidetracked and spent hrs in a porn page instead.

Rickey's a bad influence on me.

Toasty Joe said...

Rickey, have you seen this? [note: "There Will Be Blood" Spoiler Alert! "There Will Be Blood" Spoiler Alert!]

Fucking. Hilarious.

Mike said...

Somehow "civil war Rickey" is my favorite.

Diesel said...

What I conclude from searches like these is that people have no idea how search engines work.