Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Ah Balls... Rickey has Jury Duty

For reasons we can’t quite fathom, Rickey has been summoned to appear in court and is now snarled in the Byzantine process that is jury duty. The good news is that he was not selected for a three week criminal case involving charges of Murder in the First Degree. Whew. This may have been partially due to the fact that when asked if any of Rickey’s friends were lawyers, he responded truthfully: “yes, literally all of them.”

How did this help Rickey evade selection? Well, generally speaking, attorneys are looking for jurors who are completely ignorant of the law, and the last thing an attorney wants is a juror who knows the law or, even worse, thinks he or she knows the law. Also, people with "morals" are highly valued on a jury panel. So essentially, if you’re either dumb or churchy, you’re going to get selected. Because attorneys are looking for people who are easily manipulated, if they see that they are much smarter than you, you are in some deep shit.

So thankfully, Rickey wasn’t selected. This is fantastic news for you folks because given the nature of the case, Rickey’s jury stint most likely would have involved him being sequestered, and this turn of events would have deprived you of posts for an undetermined amount of time.

The bad news is that Rickey has instead been selected to serve on a civil case and most likely will not be blogging for the duration of the week. This turn of events is most likely penance for the severe punishment Rickey unleashed on his liver this past weekend. Now, yes, Rickey had inquired, and for some odd reason, the practice of “live blogging” from a court room is kind of verboten. Ah well.

Here’s to hoping for a civil trial brimming with frivolity, and overseen by a judge with an awesome nickname such as “the peacemaker” or “the hammer.” And yes, Rickey’s still weighing the pros and cons of wearing a British Parliamentary wig to the proceedings. Musings on just how “well-hung” a jury would be with Rickey serving on it should be left in the comments section below. Hint, the answer is “exceedingly.”

And if you ever get called for jury duty and don’t want to serve, Rickey strongly recommends taking a page from that episode of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” by stating: "Your honor, I do not believe I can be impartial, the man is a negro." Thanks very much Larry David. Now THAT’S how you get out of jury duty. Well, that, or:

1) being explosively and uncontrollably incontinent.
2) pretending you are mute.
3) pretending you don’t speak English.
4) claiming to enjoy the comedy stylings of Carlos Mencia.
5) pissing yourself.
6) sticking your hand down your pants.
7) carrying around a picture of your penis.

You know, whatever works best for you. Of course doing some of these might cause you to perjure yourself or be in contempt of court, which for all you non-legal scholars means roughly that the court will then proceed to seriously fuck you up. Fair warning. Anyway, Rickey will hopefully be checking back in with you folks in a few.

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Friday, July 27, 2007

Rickey's Vacation: a Slideshow Retrospective

Due to an overwhelming number of requests (a whopping three) Rickey has decided to post a few select pictures of his recent New Hampshire Vacation in this very blog. We hemmed and hawed over the idea of posting images of Rickey swimming in the frigid NH mountain streams, but ultimately had to decide not to. This was due primarily to the fact that with his shirt off, Rickey closely resembles Mr. Burns from “The Simpsons.”

Also, we couldn’t figure out how to create a proper slideshow complete with music, so you’ll have to come up with your own soundtrack to accompany the images as you scroll down the page. We recommend “In The Hall of the Mountain King” by Greig.

And for all those seeking television related merriment, Rickey tossed up his thoughts on the upcoming season of 24 over at The Jack Sack yesterday. Anyhow, enjoy the pretty pictures that follow below.

Hey look--a mountain range!

...and yet more mountains!

Gnomes go candlepin bowling in these mountains. That's what causes thunder. True story.

Wow, a lake in a mountain.

Teddy Roosevelt climbed this mountain in 1978. Upon reaching the summit, he promptly named it "Mt. Awesomeness."

Rickey, after having conquered a mountain. (PS: in case you hadn't already figured it out, Rickey ain't exactly black).

Some brook action for the kids.

Rickey looking quite dashing, if we may say.

Ok, we admit it, this was pretty breathtaking.

Rickey happily relieved himself in this picturesque stream.

And this one too.

The arduous drive up Mt. Washington. Yes, that's a cloud the vehicle is about to enter.

Behold, the breathtaking vista atop Mt. Washington!

A severely pissed off & cold Ms. Henderson at the Mt. Washington summit.

Waterfalls are nature's candy!

Rickey now has his desktop wallpaper needs all taken care of for the next few years.
Ms. Henderson on a bridge. Shortly after this picture was taken, an amry of goblins came out of nowhere and attacked, causing her to yell "you shall not pass!" True story.

Seriously: best. pancakes. ever.

One of the many 50 degree streams Rickey bathed in. Good times.

The hotel where Rickey and Ms. Henderson stayed. Granted, it looks nice, but due to the fact that no one closes any of the main doors, squirrels and chipmunks run amok in the lobby.

On the drive home Rickey needed to make a pitstop in a little VT town...
And hey, it just so happened that the new Simpsons movie was premiering that day!

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Thursday, July 26, 2007

Rickey's Back... With Recommendations!

This is where Rickey posts recommendations of noteworthy consumables, practices, and pastimes that have been deemed invaluable for the reader’s betterment. All products and advice listed herein have been Rickey tested and approved. Again, this is in no way shape or form a complete rip off of McSweeney’s (fa-la-la-la-la, lawyers, Rickey can’t hear you). Enjoy this week’s vacation themed installment of


Going for a dip in a 50 degree New Hampshire mountain stream. Once you get over the fact that you’re shocking the ever living hell out of your central nervous system, doing this can be a quite refreshing practice. As an added bonus, the onset of hypothermia actually feels quite tingly and nice. Ms. Henderson has multiple pictures/videos of Rickey freezing his ass off in White Mountain streams over the past week and you silly bastards get to see none of them.

Old-timey pancake houses. No, not those IHOP places, we’re talking about places like the NH fixture, Polly’s Pancake Parlor. Here’s how pancake houses work: you sit down, admire all the crazy maple syrup harvesting apparatuses on the walls, and then guzzle some pure regional maple syrup and proceed to quietly vibrate in your chair while waiting for your pancakes to be brought to you. Then you eat the pancakes. It’s a fantastic experience, trust us.

New England Fried Clams. (We’re talking the large juicy variety, not the frozen tv dinner style that most diners serve). Mmmm, fried clams…

Not driving up Mt. Washington in the rain. A 12% road grade for eight miles doesn’t sound like much to the casual driver, but we assure you, it’s a daunting challenge. The fact that the ascent is fraught with hairpin turns, contains no guiderails whatsoever, has a 20 foot visibility distance, and ends with you in the middle of a goddamned cloud should also be taken into consideration. But hey, Rickey and Ms. Henderson did get the bumper sticker. Next summer: the ascent of Kilimanjaro, pulled by meerkats.

Not single-handedly consuming an entire bottle of cheap red wine on a scenic train ride through the Mt. Washington Valley. Generally, this practice tends to make the other passengers eye you a little funny.

[and that’s it for the vacation-themed recommendations] Now that he’s back in moderately saner climes, Rickey also recommends:

Making an A-Rod biopic starring Sasha Baron Cohen. Seriously: This. Must. Happen. Currently, Rickey has very little sway with the Hollywood studios, so one of you will have to carry the torch. Also, the role of Derek Jeter would ideally be played by Lance Bass. Someone get on this pronto.

That last Harry Potter book that the kids seem so fond of. Rickey’s read it (as well as the two previous installations) and it’s not half bad really. Just heavily formulaic. Be prepared to essentially read a Mad Lib consisting of: [Character] appears as [Character] in [Place] in order to retrieve [Item] but is caught by [Character] but is able to escape using [Spell/Event]. That’s Rickey’s big issue with the middle section of the book. The end is pretty dazzling however.

Wearing a British judge’s wig to your upcoming jury duty stint. Rickey’s gotten the call and this Monday, he’s showing up for jury duty in full-blown parliamentary attire circa 1648. This isn’t contempt of court, right?

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Thursday, July 12, 2007

You Say Hello, and Rickey Says Goodbye

By now, you’ve probably heard the thrilling news that a certain someone has been hired to replace Rick Down as the new Mets hitting coach. We have no idea what it’s going to take to get Shawn Green to start hitting again, but Rickey suspects it might involve lifting Green up on a chair and parading him around the infield whenever he gets a hit. It’s all part of Rickey’s 10 point “Kosher Confidence Building Seminar.” We’d tell you the other nine points, but they’re kind of top secret/undetermined at the moment. And hey, if all else fails, Rickey has heard good things about this Lastings Milledge fellow.

A brief note on the trade deadline. With the (hopefully) triumphant return of Pedro Martinez in a mere four short weeks, the Mets can easily make do with their current starting pitching rotation for the remainder of 2007. Adding some depth to their bullpen should be a consideration, but it isn’t as urgent as the glaring vacancies in the left and right outfield corners. If Omar wants to make a snazzy trade for one of those outfield slots, Rickey’s just hunky-dory with that.

And now down to the meat of today’s column. Rickey has bad news for all you lunatics seeking your daily dose of third-person shenanigans and bizarre lifestyle recommendations. All activity on this blog will cease for the next 10-14 days. We have no idea what the protocol is for this sort of event, but we imagine it involves loud wailing, tooth gnashing, and the beating of breasts.

Hoping to disprove his theory that “nothing good ever happens in Texas,” Rickey and Ms. Henderson are traveling to the Lone Star State for a wedding this weekend. Seriously folks, nothing good happens in or comes from the state of Texas. As evidence, we present the following: the Columbia Shuttle crash, the JFK assassination, snakes, oil rigs, the Alamo, ZZ Top, Governor George W. Bush, Jimmy Johnson, and the Dallas Cowboys. Just try to name one good thing and get back to us because we’d love to be proved wrong on this one.

Following Rickey’s weekend wedding jaunt, he and Ms. Henderson are off to vacation in the White Mountains located in the glorious state of New Hampshire. Once in NH, Rickey and Ms. Henderson will live free and/or die hard. We figure that as long as the vicious black flies aren’t around and Rickey doesn’t fall off a mountain, the week will be a relaxing one. Internet coverage is a little spotty in the White Mountains, but we’ll try to check in periodically with brief updates. Look for a full-blown running journal of the whole thing upon Rickey’s return. We’ve found that Rickey’s unique blend of machismo and drunken foolishness usually yield exciting results in new locales. See you bastards in a couple.

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Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Your Weekly Linkage

Hooray for the Bush administration severely crippling the U.S. Surgeon General's efforts to make the world a more livable place. It takes special kind of guy to decide that matters such as AIDS, global warming, second hand smoke, and the Special Olympics really aren’t all that big of a deal.

In honor of the upcoming Simpsons movie, 7-Eleven stores are giving away free Slurpees today. Best. Crosspromotion. Ever. We here at RwR appreciate free corporate giveaways, especially those of the high glucose variety.

Ladies and gents, a great writeup on the first half of the Mets season, seen through the prism of Endy Chavez’s mindblowingly good 2006 NCLS catch. Naturally, Rickey blames the Mets’ current woes on the Yom Kippur Ripper’s current hitting slump. (That’s Ms. Henderson’s nickname for Shawn Green).

Oh look, a crazy owl. Ever wondered how an owl would respond to a jack-in-the-box? With the physical equivalent of a “no sir, I don't like it" of course.

The new Smashing Pumpkins CD hit stores this week. Rickey wonders: is it really the Pumpkins if it’s just Billy and Jimmy? Precisely what makes this different from Zwan or even Billy’s solo album? Ah yes, the Smashing Pumpkins name is more successful. Meh, Rickey’s heard a few songs and is very unimpressed. Give this a pass. Pick up Spoon’s new album, “Ga Ga Ga” instead.

For your enjoyment, here’s a terrifically funny blog written by someone who we would best label as a “hipster dad.” Click on the link. Hilarity ensues.

Evidently the writers of “24” have nixed a proposed plan to shoot the upcoming seventh season in Africa. Drat. A feral Jack Bauer hunting for yellowcake uranium and/or possibly stalking gazelle in the Serengeti would’ve been pretty fun to watch.

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Monday, July 9, 2007

This is where Rickey posts recommendations of noteworthy consumables, practices, and pastimes that have been deemed invaluable for the reader’s betterment. All products and advice listed herein have been Rickey tested and approved. Again, this is in no way shape or form a complete rip off of McSweeney’s (fa-la-la-la-la, lawyers, Rickey can’t hear you). Enjoy this week’s installment of


The Bronx is Burning. We don't usually blindly recommend television shows, but this new show, premiering tonight, is based on a terrific book and stars John Turturro as Billy Martin and Oliver Platt as George Steinbrenner (we would've preferred Larry David, but whatever).

Ketel One Vodka. This smooth vodka will scramble your brain, but in a decidedly pleasant kind of away. Thanks very much Netherland, and your wondrous “Distilleerketel #1.” Which leads us to our next recommendation…

Not falling off your bed in a belligerent drunken stupor and nearly killing your damn fool self. Rickey bruises easy.

Ryan Adams’ “Easy Tiger.” A hearty thanks to the commenter who alerted Rickey to this awesome CD. It’s the best Ryan Adams album yet. Acquire it now if you’re hoping to maintain your music street cred.

Owning a Nalgene bottle. Quite handy for you hipsters too lazy and/or cool to wash glasses.

Reading McSweeney’s “A Letter to Optimus Prime from his Geico Auto Insurance Agent.” McSweeney’s seems to love writing about Optimus Prime, and we certainly enjoy reading about Optimus Prime’s insurance premium being $235,567.50 per month. It’s a win-win situation people.

Stephen Fry. A British comedian in the vein of P.G. Wodehouse who most people stateside are criminally unaware of. He’s a real renaissance man: pick up one of his movies/books pronto.

Hooded Gray Sweatshirts. Rickey knows that it's summer for most of his readers, but because of that, this winter favorite is likely to be on sale. Warm, comfortable, and incredibly durable, Rickey likes wearing one of these with his alma mater emblazoned across the chest. And no matter what anyone says, these are still acceptable for wearing in public.

Pre-ordering Halo 3. September 25th is nigh upon us and Rickey damn sure isn’t going to be left without his copy. Did we mention that the “Legendary Edition” comes with a Mjolnir Mark VI Spartan helmet? No, it’s not life sized (drat) but it does look like it would fit your cat quite nicely. Meanwhile, somewhere else, the hair on the back of Ms. Henderson’s neck just bristled ever so slightly…

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Friday, July 6, 2007

Fun With Viral Marketing

If you’ve had a chance to see “Transformers,” you also got to see a trailer for a curious little movie codenamed “Cloverfield.” The brief glimpse Rickey caught was of a party interrupted by huge fireball erupting in downtown Manhattan and the ensuing panic. This of course provided Rickey with the opportunity to gleefully yell “too soon!” and then chuckle to himself quietly.

Anyhow, that trailer has launched one of those newfangled online puzzle thingies that the kids seem to be quite fond of these days. And us too. You see, “Lost” isn’t running any viral campaigns at the moment, so Rickey needs something to fill the time. So dust off your trusty decoder ring, because links to the two sites running the game can be found here and here. And, by the way, did we mention that this “Cloverfield” flick is being produced by the same folks who made “Lost”?

If you start poking around, you’ll catch on pretty quick that the movie appears to be about something Lovecraftian (this is a word Rickey’s been dying to use since his 8th grade English lit class). Here’s one of the quotes from the site:

"The great cycle, the beginning and the end, turns just as the plans of the gods turn once again to the world of men. And they will come upon the earth only after the skies rain down fire and the very earth itself is made to shake and the great cities of men fall into ruins. Their plans are set and their purpose is clear; they come for war."

Indeed, if Rickey was a gambling man (and he is, but an exceedingly poor one) he’d wager that the cause of all that hubbub in the trailer is H.P. Lovecraft’s Cthulhu. You know, Cthulhu, the fictional horror monster known for invoking abject terror due to its appearance, size, and all-around scary looks.

This of course leads us to really the only reason Rickey started blathering about this “Cloverfield” trailer in the first place: the McSweeney’s article “The Calls of Cthulhu.” If you skipped over all the stuff up above, definitely go ahead and read that piece. It’s fantastic. Oh yeah, and hooray for Hollywood making movies about ancient gods tearing lower New York City asunder. Enjoy the weekend folks.

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Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Rickey Reviews "Transformers"

Let’s take some time to discuss that giant robot move Rickey and Adam saw last night. We’ll preface this column by saying that this review is pointless. You're already going to see this, aren't you? Rickey probably couldn't even convince you otherwise. Nor would he, because he’s still pretty excited about it—it’s that good. It’s the very definition of a summer blockbuster. This flick is everything that Spidey 3 or Pirates of the Caribbean 3 should have been. Just don’t go in expecting anything remotely ephemeral. Because let’s face it, if you’re expecting to find deep philosophical meaning at the root of a Michael Bay flick about warring robots then you just might need to reevaluate your movie-going priorities.

And as movies go, this is one of the most entertaining ever made. On the Kaboom! Scale of 1 to 10, this vicious bastard clocks in at a 19. Rickey’s a big fan of Michael Bay’s work and make no mistake, this is his opus. What can we say? The man was born to make a movie about giant robots hitting each other. Is it a big ad for a certain Detroit automaker? Indeed it is. Is it also an unabashed, flag-waving valentine to the U.S. military? You betcha. Does it exemplify everything that is loud, brash, and indulgent in American culture? Sweet fancy Moses, does it ever. And in no way whatsoever should that ruin your enjoyment of this big fireball of a movie.

In one scene, Starscream, a badguy robot plane, goes completely apeshit and transforms in midair, hopping from one terrified U.S. fighter jet to the next, pummeling each one as it moves along. And it’s jawdropping. We won’t ruin any more of the action or set pieces in the film, but suffice to say, you’ve never seen anything like the shenanigans that go down in this movie. True, those rare moments in “Transformers” when stuff isn’t exploding generally aren’t very good. Overall, Rickey didn’t care much for the plot, which involves something called a Life Spark, some funky glasses, a drugged up chihuahua, secret government agencies, and a convoluted attempt to convince the audience that a ridiculously attractive Australian model is an elite hacker.

But did we mention that scene with the robot fighter jet wreaking havoc in the skies? That alone is worth your $10.50, and it’s the tip of the iceberg. Thanks to those misbegotten madmen at ILM, the effects are flawless and these giant transforming robots have a real sense of weight and believability to ‘em. Rickey would compare watching movie to the first time you saw “Jurassic Park.” It conveys a similar sense of awe. In one scene, a bystander actually utters the phrase “this is 100 times better than ‘Armageddon!’”. Now let’s say you’re a movie director… precisely how large do your balls need to be in order for you to insert self-praise of one of your previous movies in your latest offering? Positively massive we’re guessing. And this is why Michael Bay was the right guy for the job.

Look, you like to occasionally nosh on fast food, right? Watching this is the cinematic equivalent: a true guilty pleasure. Think of this as the “Road House” of giant robot fighting movies. This movie is better than any of us deserve. Or maybe it’s exactly what we deserve—take your pick. If summer blockbusters like these truly do represent the decline of Western Civilization (as some critics have suggested) then we’re all too happy to embrace the end times. Last one out, turn off the lights. Rickey awards “Transformers” 9 out of 10 possible stolen bases.

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Monday, July 2, 2007

Things Rickey Learned Over the Weekend

Dead baby birds are exceedingly difficult to clean off of your shoes. Especially if you’ve been unwittingly standing on one for 10 minutes. Now, before you call PETA, the bird was long dead before Rickey came along.

The new White Stripes Album continues to be much better than we mortals deserve.

The Yankees are completely done. Yanks fans should recalibrate their expectations and act pleasantly surprised if their team snags the wildcard.

Weather.com is for n00bs. Nws.noaa.gov is where the real shit is at.

If you decide to utter the phrase “I enjoy your ass” at a random female walking down the street, be fully prepared for aforementioned female to take offense and seriously lose her shit. To sum up the encounter, Rickey’s buddy is quite lucky he escaped a call from Dr. Fisticuffs.

The iPhone lacks a replaceable battery. After 400 charges, the battery looses capacity and you’ll need to send the entire phone to Apple for service (which they charge for). In other news, Walt Mossberg is a pompous schmuck and complete shill.

The topic of geopolitical war scenarios makes for completely unsuitable drinking conversation. But then again, so does Tort Reform. All of Rickey’s friends are lawyers and it irks him occasionally.

“John From Cincinnati” really isn’t as bad as we’d initially feared. It’s kind of good in fact. HBO’s second stab at a biblical allegory (for those keeping score at home, the first would be “Carnival”) has developed recently into a show that’s definitely worth your time. Did we mention that it features Al Bundy speaking in Milch-isms and taking orders from a parrot?

Everyone and their mother is on vacation right now. That is why posting in the comments section has slowed to a trickle recently, yes? Yes?

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