Monday, March 31, 2008

Your Monday Morning Kickoff Post: In Which Rickey Phishes For Inspiration

Other than occasionally wiring money to aide individuals identifying themselves as the orphaned airs of cocoa barons in the Ivory Coast, Rickey typically pays very little attention to the assortment of spam emails that he receives. Nonetheless, when one as curious as the one we’re about to divulge pops up in Rickey’s inbox, strict attention is required of Rickey. So behold, the most quizzical email Rickey has ever received:

"Hohe hoholulu,

Little warbitten city of patras and from patras genuinely thought he had done so. That's what ... I was glad when you went abroad to germany pays for it with a bloody coxcomb. But here is however, acquiesced sullenly when his friend told room she just folded up on the floor. She said all his attention. Miss grosvenor was to mr. Fortescue the pierhead,where (if fate was against them) than in words. Before trusting a man, before putting alive, hiding in the country, and have brought else could i threaten? I couldn't shoot, i couldn't ways a grim time here so much sadness in the stories as he saw lance. Hallo, he said. You here? You not forgotten the past,' and, with a significant little,' said the inspector,with a grin. 'he's."

Make no mistake; while it may seem like authentic jibber jabber, this is nothing short of a modern day equivalent of "Finnegan’s Wake." Narrative density and hidden meanings abound within these seemingly undecipherable sentences. Does your run of the mill spammer use phrases such as “warbitten city of patras” or “acquiesced sullenly”? Rickey thinks not—there’s some genuine poetry at work here folks. Most quizzical of all, there’s no mention of what services are now expected of Rickey. Are we to believe that Rickey must somehow aid this seemingly downtrodden individual by traveling to Patras and challenging the will of this nefarious inspector? Precisely what is going on at the pier head? And how does the coxcomb come into play? The author makes ominous mention of "fate being against them," and for all Rickey knows, lives could very well be on the line as we speak, if only Rickey was able to decode the meaning buried deep within these nonsensical passages…

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Friday, March 28, 2008

Rickey's Theater of The Imagination: In Which Calmity Erupts In The Mets Clubhouse

Billy Joel will become the last entertainer to perform at Shea Stadium when he appears on July 16 in his concert “The Last Play at Shea, From the Beatles to Billy,” Billboard reported. -The NYTimes, February 8, 2008

[Scene: July 13th, 2008, in the interior of the Mets clubhouse, the New York Mets prepare to play the Colorado Rockies when the sudden squealing of tires is heard, followed by a thunderous crashing noise.]

David Wright: Hey gang, did you hear that commotion? What was that? It sounded like a car crash! Let’s go check it out!

Ryan Church: What is this, a Scooby Doo cartoon? Why is that Wright kid always so peppy?

Carlos Beltran: He thinks he’s the second coming of Derek Jeter and his dad’s a cop. You do the math. He’s in full blown Hardy Boys mode right now. You’re still relatively new here Ryan, you’ll get used to it.

David Wright: [comes upon car wreck] Golly, it’s a car wreck! In our own clubhouse! Looks like a sweet looking convertible too!

Carlos Beltran: Something’s moving in the car—it looks like some kind of man-turtle.

John Maine: That’s no man-turtle, that’s Billy Joel!

Ryan Church: You sure that’s Billy Joel? It looks more like that guy from “Mad Money,” Jim Cramer…

[Empty tequila bottle rolls out of the crashed convertible]

John Maine: Yeah, that’s Billy Joel alright.

Billy Joel: [stumbling out of wrecked convertible] Auuuuuuugh… ish ok, ish ok, I made it, I’m here, let’ssss get dish show on tha road…

David Wright: Gee, he must have mixed up the dates! He thinks that the Shea Stadium concert is tonight!

Carlos Beltran: …and he’s completely shitfaced.

Jose Reyes: ^!^!^!^!^!^!^^!^!^^!^! ?

David Wright: No Rey-Rey, I don’t think he’s here to teach us a new handshake routine.

Billy Joel: Alright, alright… lemme, lemme just siddown here for a second here…[sits down on floor, taking swigs from a flask] Ahhhh, thatssssss better. Now, who wantsta hear a little PIANO MAN? Yeah!!!!!

Omar Minaya: [bursting in] Alright, what’s all this ruckus? Is that Billy Joel? Did Billy Joel just crash his car into my clubhouse? How in fuck’s sake did he even manage to get a convertible down here anyway? Holy hell, I’m not even mad, shit, I’m impressed. Look, you guys just deal with this, ok? I’ve got Mark Teixeira’s agent on hold right now. [exits]

Ramon Castro: Can someone tell me who this Billy Joel prick is and why he’s interrupting my pre-game double cheeseburger?

John Maine: Dude, you’ve never heard of Billy Joel? The writer of some the greatest rock ballads of all time?

Ramon Castro: No, why would I have heard of him? All I’m seeing here is a drunk, bald, and possibly transgender man-blob lying on the floor. Can we please call security now? My double cheeseburger is getting cold…

John Maine: I heard that “Scenes From an Italian Restaurant” was inspired by that Angelos restaurant in Little Italy.

Carlos Beltran: I heard he once got so drunk at one of his concerts that he tried to crawl inside his piano and take a nap.

Billy Wagner: You know, I can recite the entire lyrics of “We Didn’t Start The Fire” by memory, you guys want to hear it?

Carlos Beltran: In no way does that surprise me Billy. There’s not a whole lot to do where you’re from, is there? And no, we don’t want to hear it.

Jose Reyes: ^!^!^!^!^!^!^^!^!^^!^!

David Wright: Jose’s got a good point guys, we’ve got a game to play pretty soon.

Billy Joel: Don’t youshe bastids dares walk out on me… I’m Billy Joel I’m tha goddamned Entertainer! I wake up with a 1.44 blood alcohol level. No biggie. I had Ketel One and saltines for breakfast. Big whoop. You little fuckers know who Christie Brinkley is? I tapped that ass! Me, Billy fucking Joel! Now then, hows abouts a little Uptown Girl, huh? Yeah!!!! UPTOWN GIRL!!!!

Moises Alou: [stepping forward] I have a radical idea. I will urinate on Billy Joel to sober him up.

Johan Santana: For the millionth time, goddamnit it no, Alou. You have been doing that to Delgado for three months now and as far as I can tell, it sure as shit hasn’t improved his game at all. This aging effeminate musician will not leave until we all sing along with him, so let’s humor him and wrap this up, ok?

Aaron Heilman: So what song will it be? I’ve always been a big fan of “River of Dreams”...

[uncomfortable silence]

Willie Randolph: Aaron, you’re benched for tonight’s game. Gentlemen, let’s sing “New York State of Mind.”

Billy Joel: [sprawled out on the floor] I wanna, I wanna say someshing, I wanna say someshing here. Lemme finish. I love you guys.

Johan Santana: Okey dokey then, “New York State of Mind” it is. Alright, you guys pick him up. Got him? Ok, here we go, all together now:

Some folks like to get away

Take a holiday from the neighborhood

Hop a flight to Miami Beach

Or to Hollywood

But I'm taking a Greyhound

On the Hudson River Line

I'm in a New York state of mind

I've seen all the movie stars

In their fancy cars and their limousines

Been high in the Rockies under the evergreens

But I know what I'm needing

And I don't want to waste more time

I'm in a New York state of mind

It was so easy living day by day

Out of touch with the rhythm and blues

But now I need a little give and take

The New York Times, The Daily News

It comes down to reality

And it's fine with me 'cause I've let it slide

Don't care if it's Chinatown or on Riverside

I don't have any reasons

I've left them all behind

I'm in a New York state of mind

It was so easy living day by day

Out of touch with the rhythm and blues

But now I need a little give and take

The New York Times, The Daily News

It comes down to reality

And it's fine with me 'cause I've let it slide

Don't care if it's Chinatown or on Riverside

I don't have any reasons

I've left them all behind

I'm in a New York state of mind

I'm just taking a Greyhound on the Hudson River Line

'Cause I'm in a New York state of mind

[Posted at Humor-Blogs]

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Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Meme Fever: Catch It!

Rickey was tagged by Mr. Furious (happy fucking Easter to you too buddy) to participate in the following little meme in which Rickey is required to truthfully answer four questions about himself. Rickey’s sentiments on the matter are best summed up by fellow blogger Smitty, who insightfully commented upon being tagged for this meme that “Blogging is sometimes like unprotected sex in this particular light.” And indeed it is. But on the bright side, Rickey is now knocked up and pregnant with blogging material this morning. So behold, your daily fuckwittery in the form of something called the “4x4 Meme”:

4 jobs Rickey has had: wreck diver, wombat juggler, longshoreman, and wallet inspector. Oh wait, we have to answer these truthfully? Damnit, ok then: snack bar order taking guy at posh country club, assistant research librarian, receptionist/office fetcher, and most recently, full-blown government stooge.

4 TV shows Rickey watches: Well, we can’t count The Wire anymore since it’s off the air, so here you go: BSG, LOST, No Reservations with Anthony Bourdain, and 24 (if it ever freaking returns—there is a hole in Rickey’s heart where an angry Jack Bauer used to reside).

4 places Rickey has been: Tortola, Florence, London, and Shea Stadium. Many, many times at Shea...

4 foods Rickey likes: escargots, tongue sandwiches, kosher dill pickles, and mint chocolate chip milkshakes. Rickey is nothing if not eclectic in his culinary preferences.

And now to tag 4 poor unsuspecting fools… Let’s see here:

Toasty Joe
Ed the Gent

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Monday, March 24, 2008


Rickey received the following email a few days back and figured it gave him a reasonably good excuse to start up an advice column, which, in a stroke of unbridled genius, we’ve decided to call “Ask Rickey.” which we hope kicks off a glorious new era in reader participation here at RwR. Here’s the inaugural post:

Dear Rickey,

I have built quite a sizable iTunes library of music that now exceeds the capacity of the iPod itself. Here's my conundrum - how should one decide or prioritize the music to load? I'm frozen with indecision so I earnestly hope you can post your sage advice.


Well, we’re not sure what level of sageness you’re expecting from a guy whose computer expertise consists of a rudimentary knowledge of GW-BASIC and a skillful hand at “snake” and “gorillas,” but nonetheless, Rickey is glad you asked Augusto. To alleviate your conundrum, Rickey recommends that you cull your itunes library and tell your ipod only to sync up with the highest ranked songs on your computer. Because frankly, there’s no better excuse to nourish one’s fledgling obsessive compulsive disorder than by spending hours upon hours reorganizing their massive itunes library. You know those little stars you can put next to the songs in your itunes application? Use ‘em. It’s rather laborious, but unless you feel like splurging on an ipod with a bigger capacity, this is most likely your best bet.

And now on to matters of taste. Ideally, your Neutral Milk Hotel tracks should get five stars and your Bachman-Turner Overdrive tracks should get one. Also, consider giving high ranks to songs that you actually have a chance of listening to. Yes, Rickey realizes that it’s important that your extensive catalog of Gregorian chants be absolutely complete, but honestly now, when’s the next time you’ll actually play something like that on your stereo? Instead, think about what circumstances under which you enjoy listening to your music in and clear out your cluttered ipod by ranking your itunes library appropriately. You hear Led Zeppelin on the radio every hour on the hour, do you really need those aging lesbians taking up valuable space on your ipod as well? Rickey thinks not. Cast aside the silly hipster notion of possessing a well rounded musical library and stick with the songs you actually enjoy and stand a decent chance of playing once in a while.

And don’t forget to make playlists either: they’re another great way of prioritizing the songs that you know you won’t skip over because you’ve heard them a bazillion goddamned times before. For example, when Rickey is at the gym doing what batshit crazy fitness buffs refer to as STRENGTHENING HIS CORE, Rickey needs an appropriate playlist for the occasion. So Rickey goes with assorted rousing soundtracks while at the gym—think “Last of the Mohegans” OST and a smattering of Hans Zimmer scores and you’re on the right track. Rickey finds that they help to keep him motivated while STRENGTHENING HIS CORE, but again, your own personal tastes in playlists will differ (dear god we hope) somewhat.

So sit down and do some musical soul searching Augusto, and then start ranking the tunes you actually dig rather than the tunes that you think you’re expected to dig. Rickey suspects that should help you to squeeze your musical oeuvre onto your ipod. And if that advice proves useless, Rickey would be more than happy to put up a deluge of snazzy “Win a Free Ipod!” ads all over this site. Free ipods! And all they want is your Social Security number, what could possibly go wrong?

Got a question of your own that you’re just dying to have answered? Email Rickey at

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Thursday, March 20, 2008

Rickey's 2008 Baseball Preview: The New York Mets

Ah spring, when every young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of stolen bases, shutouts, and the suicide squeeze. Since we’re somewhat of a sports-related blog at heart, Rickey figured it was high time that he cranked out a write up of his baseball team of favor: the New York Mets. Now we’re sure that Metphistopheles, Metstradamus, MetsBlog, MetsGeek, Metscentric, MetsGrrl, MetsMerized, Metsquire, Metsgasm, and Metsplosion have all weighed in with lengthy in depth previews of the upcoming Mets season by now, but Rickey would like to kick things off on a different note by posing the following question... Which is a worse omen for the 2008 Mets season: the potential Sports Illustrated cover curse, or the possibility of a severely inebriated Billy Joel crashing his convertible into the club locker room? (That’s one helluva sketch if one of you misbegotten madmen wants to run with it).

Indeed, in case you hadn’t noticed, retaining a membership with the Shea Faithful requires a level of gallows humor usually reserved for Bertolt Brecht characters. And for good reason. For the past two seasons, Rickey’s baseball demeanor has broken down thusly:

March/April - Whine about Yankees getting more media attention.
May - August - Bask in the glory of being the best team in New York.
September/October - Douse self in gasoline. Light match.

And we’re hoping to continue that proud tradition of dashed hopes and shattered dreams in the 2008 season as the Metropolitans gear up for opening day a scant 10 days from now. So now, without further ado, let’s take a look at some of the more notable figures in the Mets lineup whose feats of strength and prowess will impact upon Rickey’s sanity over the course of the next half year.

RYAN CHURCH: Rickey predicts that Church is going to give the Mets a .275 average and an awful lot of doubles this season, which is pretty solid for a seventh slot hitter in the NL. The problem is that Church was never the same after that nasty 2005 collision while playing for the Nationals and after his latest bang up with Marlon Anderson, we’re not even certain the guy knows what freaking year it is right now.

CARLOS BELTRAN: Needs to step it up in ‘08, big time. Rickey’s had it with the nagging injuries involving his hamstring. We know, we know, he’s “playing through the pain,” but honestly now: how much longer until we can officially call this guy soft?

MOISES ALOU: Starting the year off strong, on the DL! When he’s healthy, he’s basically a hitting machine. Rickey’s hoping that the power of Alou’s urine soaked hands compels him to play 120 games, but we’re certainly not holding our breath. And this is yet another reason why the Mets absolutely need an average backup outfielder who can fill in at various spots. Shawn Greene, anyone? Retirement schmierment, deep down, the Hebrew Hammer has another good season in him and Rickey knows it.

CARLOS DELGADO: Look, Rickey could excuse his soft spoken demeanor and low profile if, you know, the guy would just hit the goddamned ball every once in a while. But he isn’t, so Rickey can’t. Stand up for the National Anthem Delgado, or so help us, Rickey will launch a one man incursion to raze the areas of Vieques that the U.S. Navy left still standing. Ahem, who’s next? Ah yes:

LUIS CASTILLO: A perfectly competent second baseman with decent stats, all that is required of Castillo is a smattering of hit and runs to allow Reyes to scamper to infinity and beyond. We think Castillo’s up to the task. In the interest of full disclosure, we must inform you that Rickey is secretly rooting for Jose Valentin to make his triumphant return to second base at some point in 2008. Go, Stache, Go!

REYES/WRIGHT: Transcendent. Watching these two young ‘uns play for that elusive “love of the game” is what will keep Rickey glued to the sports page of the newspapers each day. As their ups and downs go, so goes the fate of the New York Mets. We’d talk more about them, but this entire column relies primarily upon mockery and we find ourselves completely unable to ridicule these two smashing gents. How’s this: Reyes looks like a Muppet! Are you satisfied now?

RAMON CASTRO/BRIAN SCHNEIDER: With Schneider banged up, Rickey’s looking forward to seeing Castro step it up and be as scary good (and all around scary) as we suspect he can be. As far as backup catchers go, Castro is one of the best in the game and receives a criminally low amount of coverage from the sports media at large. Schneider? Well, he’s great at playing catch and that’s just about it.

ORLANDO HERNANDEZ: Legally dead. When your fastball tops out at 81mph during a simulated game, the time has come to seriously consider hanging up your hat. Which brings us to…

MIKE PELFREY: Please, please, please let Wille Randolph do the right thing and put Pelfrey in the 5 spot. He may still be rough, but anything’s better than watching Duque toss meatballs over home plate.

PEDRO MARTINEZ: He’s thrown 160 innings in the last two seasons combined, so who freaking knows? And he’s into cockfighting, which we assume is intended to fill the void of pitting the late Nelson de la Rosa against ravenous Chihuahuas in the back alleys of Newbury Street. Barring a complete collapse from Pedro in ‘08, Rickey fully expects to see Pedro get a 2 to 3 year contract extension because, let’s face it, Johan & Pedro heading up the Mets rotation is a marketing wet dream for Omar Minaya.

OLIVER PEREZ: Apparently all it takes is a butterfly fluttering about in Shea to make Ollie go from lights out awesome to terrifyingly combustible in the blink of an eye. The man is a complete enigma to Rickey. You think the pressure of pitching in a contract year helps or hinders a guy like that? Yeah, not so much…

JOHN MAINE: His brilliant 2007 season finale excluded, Maine’s second half performances haven’t been all that stellar. But Rickey likes what he’s seeing from the Maine man so far this spring. We’re thinking big things this year Johnny, don’t let Rickey down.

JOHAN SANTANA: You know, we’ve heard a few good things about this Santana fellow. In fact, a whole lot of folks consider him to be the very best pitcher on the face of the earth. He just makes us want to giddily make bombastic statements like: “Easily the best Mets acquisition in 20 years” or “Baseball Jesus” or “The reason the sun rises in the morning.” The bottom line is that if we don’t see 18 wins from this guy, Rickey will eat his hat.

BULLPEN: Let’s see here: Wise, Schoenweis, Heilman, Sanchez, Felieciano, Sosa, Wagner, and (if the baseball gods are kind to Rickey) El Duque. That’s a pretty deep and formidable bullpen there folks. Let’s hope that shaky starts from Mets starters don’t unnecessarily tax them over the course of the season, because Aaron Heilman is already grumpy enough as it is.

In case you hadn’t gathered, staying healthy is kind of a big deal for the Mets—more so than for other teams due to their shallow farm system. To prevent Rickey from overdosing on Maalox, here’s what needs to happen in 2008: Pedro Martinez needs to stave off long Disabled List stays, Oliver Perez needs to adopt some sort of “clear the mechanism!” baseball mantra to achieve inner peace on the pitcher’s mound, Orlando Hernandez needs to be put out to pasture, and Carlos Delgado needs to not completely fall into Sean Casey territory. Also, it would sort of help if Castillo, Schneider and Chavez could perform above replacement level. That having been said, the rest of the gang can just keep on doing what they do best and the Mets will earn themselves a chance for redemption in October of 2008.

Potential rivals in the NL? Well there’s the obvious Phillies, but Rickey also has his eyes on those pesky Dodgers. That’s a team that could easily explode and give the Mets a hard time. Motivated by watching their manager sip Bigelow green tea and constantly pick his nose in the dugout, these Dodgers could become awfully frisky awfully fast. Has anyone in any sport ever benefited more from the team around him then Joe Torre? Rickey thinks not.

[Posted at Humor-Blogs] Who says there isn't humor to be found in competitive sports?

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Wednesday, March 19, 2008

On Nothingness

Amidst all the hubbub and rigmarole of his day to day life, Rickey had completely forgotten that he had a blog entrusted to his care to maintain. And because we’ve developed a begrudging respect for the scores of pederasts, moonbats, and transients that comprise our loyal readership, we’ve decided that now is the time to lay our cards on the table and fess up to the truth. The truth is that Rickey is suffering from creative bankruptcy as of late. How did Rickey’s unfathomably deep well of inspiration run dry? Well, allow Rickey to elaborate upon the matter.

You see, recently, Rickey joined a gym and is now actively trying to get back in shape. After a week of membership with the NYSC, we noticed that a curious side effect took place. After strapping himself into various ominous looking devices of physical punishment and partaking in the great American tradition of puritanical self flagellation that encompasses the fitness culture, Rickey found that his desire to blog had severely waned. Maybe it’s because an hour at the gym after work each night relieves Rickey of the angst that made for good blogging material. Maybe the workouts have rendered Rickey too damn tired to blog as frequently. Or maybe Rickey just loves his fledgling man-muscles more than his readership. Whatever the reason may be, we’re noticing a direct correlation between the sports club membership and a lack of creative material to work with here at RwR. We hate to say it, but blandness, thy name is a healthy lifestyle.

And then, further mucking up things is this:

Indeed, in what could easily be a crippling blow for this website, Rickey’s office has decided to block access to any and all forms of blogs, most relevantly, those in the Blogger family of products. And no, Rickey’s hardly the type to forsake office work for wanton internet frivolity, but this development does indeed cast a dark shadow upon future blogging endeavors. We suppose Rickey could blog at home, but that’s kind of Rickey’s time, you know? A time best spent on worthwhile activities such as caterpillar husbandry, cultivating his blossoming drinking problem, and meticulously rearranging the contents of his kitchen utensil drawers.

What we’re getting at here is that thanks to this perfect storm of blogging hurdles, there might be an increased hiatus between new posts here on this site. But don’t panic goddamnit. Rickey recommends that you remain calm and continue to stop by this site often to gripe about the downtick in new material, because as everyone knows, nothing motivates people quite like a good guilt trip. Or even better, feel free to chime in with ideas that would make for entertaining posts here on this site. Be it woefully unfunny links, lolcats, memes, or some other form of silly internet circle jerk, we’ll take whatever we can get, we’re not picky. And if you feel like writing your local congressman on this grave matter, by all means, break out your crayons and make with the scribbling. His absentee landlord of a muse permitting, Rickey will be back shortly with original & mildly coherent material. In the meantime: Courage.

[Posted at Humor-Blogs]

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Friday, March 14, 2008

Your Weekly Linkage

We'll just run this quote and let it speak for itself: “A Macedonian court convicted a bear of theft and damage for stealing honey from a beekeeper who fought off the attacks with thumping 'turbo-folk' music.” Those wishing to familiarize themselves with the curious legal system of this remote Slavic republic can find the story in its entirety here. Rickey’s not as surprised by the content of this story as he is by the fact that Macedonia actually still exists. Didn’t the Byzantine Empire wipe these swarthy fools off the map way back in the day?

Patrick Swayze’s mother is quoted as saying “He doesn’t deserve it” (as opposed to all those other pancreatic cancer patients who absolutely do). You know what the truly tragic part about all this is? If the Swayze shuffles off this mortal coil, then “Roadhouse” is going to be a whole helluva lot less of a fun movie for Rickey to watch.

Dynamite news for all you feisty observant Jews out there: Viagra has been ruled kosher for Passover by leading Israeli Rabbis! (Because as any self respecting Jewish girl will tell you, there’s nothing quite as attractive as a man gorging himself on brisket, latkes, and Passover wine). You'd better believe that there will be pressure on the Catholic Church to condone the use of Levitra during Lent next year.

Ok, someone needs to explain the full extent of the upcoming New York State Governor’s blindness to Rickey. According to Andrew Cuomo, he’s played pickup basketball with the guy. And from the footage we’ve seen, David Patterson certainly doesn’t seem to have much of an issue getting around. How’s he doing this, sonar? What we’re getting at here is that Rickey is beginning to strongly suspect that his next NYS Governor is actually Daredevil in disguise.

Speaking of all things gubernatorial, Rickey was amused to hear that Dr. Laura blames Eliot Spitzer’s infidelities on his wife, Silda Spitzer. Indeed, Eliot Spitzer's wife is clearly to blame for this scandal, with her contempt for geisha culture and unsupportive aging and whatnot, because let’s face it--her being over 25 is completely unforgivable. Mmmmm, now that’s some good female conservative self-contempt for ya right there… Is there anything more loathsome in this world than shrill right-wing hags? Rickey thinks not.

Hey look: it’s the new smart car! The hobbit of automobiles!

Bob Dylan unsuccessfully attempted (twice!) to sneak into American Idol tapings as a contestant by sporting a fake beard. Hold the phone: if you’re an American Idol producer and you get wind of Bob Dylan trying to audition, how in fuck’s name do you not allow him in? You don’t think that the presence of one the greatest musicians of all time might help bump up the Nielsen ratings for your shitty reality show just a tad?

According to a NYTimes article, there are roughly 9 million jackasses out there who are perfectly content using dialup AOL accounts to access the internet. Look, Rickey loves the whimsical notion of using wildly outdated technology as much as the next guy, but these fools really are depriving themselves of the internet’s vast pornographic resources and Rickey pities them.

Finally, in honor of the upcoming St. Patrick’s Day festivities, Rickey was thrilled to learn that three (free!) Dropkick Murphys songs have been released for Guitar Hero III. Rickey strongly advises hopping online, downloading the songs, and channeling your inner leprechaun with "Famous for Nothing" "Flannigan's Ball" and "Johnny, I Hardly Knew Ya". Enjoy the weekend folks, Rickey’s out.

[Posted at Humor-Blogs]

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Wednesday, March 12, 2008

In Which Fame Weighs Heavily Upon Rickey

Well, we suppose that this was bound to happen sooner or later. Sooner or later, some misbegotten madman would emerge from the woodwork and follow Rickey around like he was Phish or the Grateful Dead or possibly even REO Speedwagon. Rickey has received his fair share of random emails in recent days, consisting of belligerent messages from Vince Vaughn idolizers talking about “keeping up the intensity” and “crushing smokeshow sloots,” a flurry of messages concerning internet threats of a school shooting at his alma mater, and to cap it off, a torrent of fantasy baseball emails (which we’ll be discussing in depth tomorrow as Rickey analyzes his fledgling team, “The Menschwarmers”). But this email takes the cake as the most random one of the week. So heads up nonexistent RwR legal team, because Rickey received the following message yesterday evening:

"What up Mr. Henderson nice to see you have a web site I will be checking it out on a daily basis. You may not remember my name but we have met many of times in the past either down at the 24 hr fitness on Webster street or even at a raiders game. You went to Oakland tech with my cousins Reggie and tony green back in the day. You also played football against my older brother Roger Johnson he went to Oakland high, he played with Michael duckworth they were the running backs on that 75 team they dominated yaul.

Rickey when you have time give me a holla would like to know what you are doing these day's last I seen you were coaching 1st base for the met's what happen they got intimidated by you. That is how we do it in the town, man you should be working for the Oakland A's that dam faggot Billy beane still mad at you for making him ride pine in the early eighties. He was sorry anyway. Well man I would love to hear from you and if you will be in the area on June 21st of this year would love for you to drop by our baseball showcase and maybe speak to the kids for a few minutes. I am the area director for national scouting report we are the number 1 scouting service in the country, have been helping kids get college scholarships for over 25 years.

We will be having our 2nd showcase this year in Stockton at the A"S minor league complex. Bip Roberts, Brian guinn, and maybe Stacey pettis will be helping us out. It would be cool if you could come through and give the kids a little wisdom. Get back with me when you have time and we can maybe hook up for lunch and I could show you what our organization does for the kids, you may want to get involved in someway. Hope you our doing well and stay blessed future hall of famer."

Mr. Pota' Johnson
National Scouting Report
Area Director/Scout
925-724-0211 Office
510-381-1276 Cell

Oh boy are we glad that we set up that anonymous email address… Unfortunately, little does this fellow realize that our version of Rickey isn’t the Rickey he’s looking for. Our version of Rickey enjoys eating 99 cent tacos, watching Denise Austin aerobic videos from 1991 on ESPN Classic, and flipping through the Pennysaver. Actually, you know what? Nowadays, the real life Rickey Henderson may share similar interests (by all reports, the man is perilously close to appearing on “The Surreal Life” in the not too distant future). But that’s neither here nor there. We think we speak for Rickey when we say that if Rickey’s gonna be making any guest appearances, Rickey’s damn well gonna get paid for ‘em.

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Tuesday, March 11, 2008

On Frontiersmen & Lavatories

Ever see that episode of “Davy Crockett” where Davy and his sidekick get ambushed by a gang of marauding injuns and proceed to scare them off by running around, making noises and creating the illusion that they’re a venerable army of 50 rather than just two frontiersmen? And the injuns totally buy it? Well that’s essentially what Rickey is reminded of when he hears reports about the Clinton campaign floating the ridiculous notion of a Clinton/Obama ticket. (In this insightful analogy, Davy Crocket is Hillary Clinton, the gullible injuns are the media, and the American public is a gang of beavers banging their heads on a log while watching the whole damn thing transpire). And that concludes Rickey’s in depth political commentary for the day.

Speaking of all things Hillary-related, Rickey is pleased to report that things are proceeding nicely in the quest for a suitable wedding venue. Amidst all the knee buckling talk from venue owners about stocking ponds with fish that coordinate with one’s wedding colors and filling pools with dahlia petals, Rickey and Ms Henderson found a location that boasts the following item:

It's a tad on the blurry side, but the text reads: "On 15 July 1999, Hillary Rodham Clinton used this toilet." If that's not a deal clincher for a wedding hall, well, we just don't know what is. You know how Rickey knows this is bogus? Because Hillary pees standing up. (We kid the former First Lady, we kid...)

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Monday, March 10, 2008

Hello, 12 Years of Republican Governors!

Wait, didn't "The Wire" conclude last night? Are we certain this is actually happening? Apparently so, according to the NY Times, famed crime buster Tommy Carcetti ahem, we mean Eliot Spitzer has been nabbed in a federal prostitution investigation. Rickey's seen his fair share of hypocrisy in his life, but this is pretty freaking epic. But on the plus side, if Spitzer steps down or is removed from office, Hillary Clinton does lose a superdelegate.... So there's that.

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Rickey's Monday Mail In

Rickey’s reeling from the nefarious daylight saving time shift and having spent all of Sunday trudging around potential wedding venues, so we’ll keep this Monday kickoff post short, sweet, and blissfully free of intelligent thought. A friend alerted Rickey to presence of the following site, Stuff White People Like, which has caught Rickey’s ever watchful eye. We’d preface the site with some sort of witty intro, but the site name pretty much says it all. It’s essentially stomach punch central for a guy like Rickey. Below are a few items that the site examines that directly apply to Rickey and caused him to say, “yep, Rickey’s just a sad white dude”:

#5 Farmer’s Markets

#8 Barack Obama

#10 Wes Anderson Movies

#13 Tea

#25 David Sedaris

#38 Arrested Development

#40 Apple Products

#42 Sushi

#46 The Sunday New York Times

#54 Kitchen Gadgets

#63 Expensive Sandwiches

#67 Standing Still at Concerts

#68 Michel Gondry

#80 The Idea of Soccer

#85 The Wire

What items do they have you pegged on? Their complete list can be found hither. And with that, Rickey takes his leave and heads out into the unforgivingly brilliant light of a Monday morning. We’ll be back tomorrow with day one of “Wedding Watch” and an in depth discussion of the pros & cons of booking a wedding at a castle containing a toilet seat used by Hillary Clinton. Rickey, out.

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Thursday, March 6, 2008

ADVENTURES IN BAD TASTE: In Which Rickey Catapults Himself Into the Realm of the Inappropriate by Seeking out Humor on the Subject of Pedaresty

Sure it’s mildly funny and whatnot to hear about how the Boston Red Sox gave Hank Steinbrenner a complimentary lifetime membership in Red Sox Nation, but even more amusing to Rickey is hearing about a Red Sox scout being arrested for public lewdness flogging the dolphin in the presence of children under the age of 16. Just calling it "public lewdness" really doesn’t do it justice—in hopes of really sticking it to BoSox fans, we'd prefer to spell out the gory details for you. Those in search of a lifetime supply of nightare fuel will find a picture of the aforementioned intrepid baseball scout (and all around charmer) to the left. And, of course, this bizarre news story sets the stage for the following scene in what we here at RwR like to refer to as Rickey's "Theater of the Mind."

...[In a Florida hotel room overlooking a pool, in full view of several minors located poolside, baseball scout Jesse Levis angrily masturbates while trying to figure out how to patch up the holes in the Red Sox pitching rotation]...

Chris Hansen: [appearing from behind the curtains] Hi there!

Jesse Levis: [hastily zips up] Jesus christ, where’d you come from?

Chris Hansen: Housekeeping let me in last night. I've been hiding out in this room for a day now, subsisting primarily on a diet of hotel issue pillow chocolates and a tin of shoe polish that I found in your luggage. Do you know who I am?

Levis: No, goddammit, I don’t.

Hansen: Well I’m Chris Hansen, and you’re on the Dateline NBC special, “To Catch a Predator.” Our cameras have been rolling for the past few minutes and while we've caught you red handed, so to speak, we’d like to give you an opportunity to walk out of here scot free. Also, we are legally required to inform you that regardless of the outcome, the results of all this will be aired on primetime national television.

Levis: But this isn’t a game show!

Hansen: Actually, technically, it now is. In fact, our focus group is suggesting that we rename the show “Cock Block with Chris Hansen!” but that’s neither here nor there. So are you ready for some Red Sox trivia?

Levis: What?

Hansen: Indeed, Red Sox trivia! If you answer a majority of these questions correctly, you’re free to go back to whatever it is that you were doing just now. It's more or less the same deal we offered the Phillie Phanatic a year ago when we nabbed him exposing himself in the men's room of a local Cracker Barrel.

Levis: And if I don’t answer these questions correctly?

Hansen: Al Roker and a SWAT team are right outside the door. They await my signal. If you thought Al was a hoot on NBC's Today Show, just wait until you see him in full riot gear. Our wardrobe department had a fun time striking the right balance of joviality and physical intimidation.

Levis: What about my due process rights?

Hansen: This is NBC. There's no due process on network television. Ready?

Levis: Fuck no, let me out of here!

Hansen: Ok here we go! First trivia question: In which category did baseball legend Ted Williams lead the American League nine times during his career? Was it walks, slugging percentage, batting average, or home runs?

Levis: Ok, just give me a minute to think… Was it home runs? Oh jesus, oh fuck, oh god, I don’t know… Please just let me go, I'll never do this again, I swear…

Hansen: It was slugging percentage! Moving on, who did the famed Red Sox beat in the 1903 World Series? Was it the New York Giants, The Brooklyn Dodgers, The Chicago Cubs, or the Pittsburgh Pirates?

Levis: Shit, my family, my career, I’m ruined… Theo Epstein's going to drive across state lines wearing my scalp as a hat...

Hansen: No answer? We’ll skip that one then. Alright next question, this is a tricky one: when was the first night game played at Fenway Park? Was it 1935, 1938, 1942, or 1947?

Levis: How in the fuck would I know something like that? Oh fuck, shit, ok, ok, ok. Think Jesse, think. Um, was it 1942?

Hansen: Ooooooh, close, but no! It was 1947! Next question: which Boston Red Sox Manager had the best winning percentage? Joe Cronin, Terry Francona, Jake Stahl, or Bill Carrigan?

Levis: Jail, I’m going to jail… Is it Terry Francona? Please, sweet merciful Christ, please let it be Terry Francona

Hansen: Sorry, no that’s incorrect, it was old timer Jake Stahl! Moving on the Lightning Round, you still have a chance to redeem yourself…

Levis: Please, god yes, what do I do?

Hansen: Well… see this cat? [hoists cat out from behind curtain] We found it living at Fenway Park behind the Green Monster. You have to fellate it.

Levis: What? Why? How? Is that even physically possible? Why are you doing this?

Hansen: Its part of an exciting new cross promotion we’re doing with Friskies Cat Food! Market research shows that cat fellatio is currently polling well with viewers ages 18 to 35. Also, it's kind of a hot trend in Japan. Now what do you say? The cat or jail?

Levis: This is insanity. I can't take it anymore. Just take me away… I'll go quietly….

[end scene]

And with that, Rickey would now like to take this opportunity to apologize to NBC, the victims of child abuse, Florida law enforcement, the Ted Williams estate, the Friskies Corporation, cat owners everywhere, and anyone who appreciates tasteful humor. (But not Red Sox fans. Never them). To everyone else: we're sorry, we're really truly sorry.

[Posted at NAMBLA ...ahem, we mean Humor Blogs]

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Wednesday, March 5, 2008

All Energy Flows According to the Whims of the Great Meme

The only thing saving you poor saps from a long and winding diatribe about how the Democratic party is in the process of screwing itself out of a four year stint in the White House is the fact that Mr. Furious (no stranger to political wonkitude himself) decided to tag Rickey for a fun little meme. So here are the rules for this meme that Rickey is bound to abide by: Rickey must look up 15 of his favorite movies on IMDB, take a quote from each and post 'em for his readership to properly identify. As you movie savvy readers correctly identify the quotes' cinematic origins in the comments section below, Rickey will cross them off and give credit where credit is due. And no cheating, you unscrupulous bastards (i.e., Googling). Either you're geeky enough to know these quotes or you're not. Every up to speed? Good, because no one is going home until all the quotes are properly identified. Here we go.

1) -Do you really think I oughta swear?
-Yes, definitely. Goddamn it George, swear.
"Back to the Future" (Toasty Joe)

2) Don't fuck with me now, man, I am Ahab. "Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas" (Amy)

3) Son, you'd better get your head and your ass wired together, or I will take a giant shit on you. "Full Metal Jacket" (Toasty Joe)

4) -Have you ever heard of Evel Knievel?
-No, I never saw Star Wars.
"Armageddon" (anonymous internet jackass)

5) Son, in 35 years of religious study, I have only come up with two hard incontrovertible facts: there is a God, and I'm not Him. "Rudy" (anonymous internet jackass)

6) I can't cut off anyone's balls with a trimmer, now can I? Why don't we do this outside? Get some sun. "The Rock" (Erik)

7) Take me now, subcreature! "Ghostbusters" (Toasty Joe)

8) I will live in Montana. And I will marry a round American woman and raise rabbits, and she will cook them for me. And I will have a pickup truck... maybe even a "recreational vehicle." And drive from state to state. "Hunt for Red October" (anonymous internet jackass)

9) I dunno what the hell's in there, but it's weird and pissed off, whatever it is. "John Carpenter's The Thing" (Mr. Furious)

10) I love this neighborhood. Some of these broads are wearing my salary.
"The Thomas Crown Affair" (Adrian)

11) -Hey! Who was the 21st President?
-Go fuck yourself!
"Die Hard III" (Bob, Chief Beer Advocate)

12) I've hired you to help me start a war. It's a prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition. "The Princess Bride" (Heidi)

13) I don't give a shit about the barracudas, fuck it! I'm building it anyway! "Rushmore" (Smitty)

14) Waitess: What do you want in your omelette, sir?
Actor: Nothing in the omelette, nothing at all.
Waitress: Well, that's not technically an omelette.
Actor: Look, I don't want to get into a semantic argument, I just want the protein.
"Grosse Point Blank" (Erik)

15) Mandrake, do you realize that in addition to fluoridating water, why, there are studies underway to fluoridate salt, flour, fruit juices, soup, sugar, milk... ice cream. Ice cream, Mandrake, children's ice cream. "Dr. Strangelove" (Toasty Joe)

And now Rickey gets to pick a few unwitting souls to unleash the aforementioned meme upon... Lets see here:

Toasty Joe

[posted at Humor-Blogs] Click, space monkeys, click!

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Tuesday, March 4, 2008

New Music Tuesday

Rickey has long subscribed to the fundamental belief that nothing is as intensely personal as one’s taste in music. Moreover, in the realm of blogging, disclosing one’s musical preferences ranks somewhere in between publishing one’s Social Security number and posting pictures of one’s genitals for the world to see. Is Rickey shy about discussing his auditory predilections? Not particularly, in no small part because Rickey considers his musical taste to be fantastically well cultivated and deep (feel free to disagree at the risk of having your tongue plucked out and buried at low tide).

So, taking a cue from fellow blogger George, Rickey has opted to post a playlist of our choicest tunes for your cultural enlightenment. This is a predominantly indie mix (let's face it: you've heard "Back in Black" a bazillion times on the radio already) so some bands you might be familiar with, others not so much. Rickey has linked the songs back to the itunes store so you can give them a listening to, but we’d like to remind you that all the songs mentioned below can be easily ascertained by other means (*cough*bittorrent-indie-playlist*cough*).

“The Blues Are Still Blue”, by Belle & Sebastian. (Indeed they are. This is one of Rickey's top 10 favorite bands by the way).

“Bethamphetamine (Pretty Pretty)”, by Butch Walker and The Let's Go Out Tonites.

“Under Pressure”, by Keane. (About freaking time we got a decent cover of this song).

“Tick Tick Boom”, by The Hives. (Because deep down, there's a little punk-rocker inside all of us).

“The Yeah Yeah Yeah Song”, by The Flaming Lips.

“Rainbow In The Dark", by Tilly & The Wall. (For our .015 female readers, Rickey figured he'd toss in a few female artists in the mix. You ladies will find that this song is great for twirling around to in a field of lillies!)

“Lake Michigan", by Rogue Wave.

“Elephant Gun”, by Beirut. (In addition to helping Rickey deduce the engagement ring size, Ms. Henderson's sister also introduced Rickey to this terrific band and goddamnit are they good).

“Firecracker”, by Steel Train.

“Roll On Oblivion”, by Jason Collett. (Huzzah for catchy fatalistic ditties!)

“Everybody Knows This Is Nowhere”, by Matthew Sweet & Susanna Hoffs. (Twangy!)

“Gray Or Blue”, by Jaymay.

“I Feel Weird”, by Steel Train. (Such an intruiging band that Rickey had to post two of their songs. They're all over the place thematically. Maybe it's a tad blasphemous for some, but Rickey digs the raw emotion at work in this song).

“I Shall Overcome”, by Hard-Fi. (Not a bad workout song for those looking to unleash hell on the elliptical machine!)

“All The Old Showstoppers”, by The New Pornographers.

"Oh My”, by Office. (Rickey digs the bombastic Brit bands).

“Fifty Seven”, by Kid Harpoon. (Not listed on itunes?! Bleh, screw you Apple)

“Knights of Cydonia”, by Muse. (The perfect song for riding out into an acid tinged sunset on your very own soul quest. Or for molesting ferrets to. Take your pick.)

“Nothing from Nothing”, by Billy Preston. (If this song doesn't make you want to get up and dance around then Rickey regrets to inform you that you're clinically dead).

“Charmed Life”, by Mick Jagger. (A rather fitting song considering the recent news story about how Mick escaped an assasination attempt by the Hell's Angels. How great a story is that? They had planned a sea assault on Mick Jagger's estate, but their boat capsized in the storm. And this of course sets up the terrific visual of a band of shipwrecked Hell's Angels washing up on shore, their beards dampened and their leather outfits shrunken by the sea water).

So there you have it: a well rounded mix of twenty songs, hand squozen from Rickey’s itunes collection that as luck would have it, just manage to fit on a single audio CD. Yes, Rickey’s still stuck in the musical dark ages--if anyone could recommend an ipod FM transmitter that isn’t complete crap, Rickey would be much obliged. Rickey refuses to install an ipod compatible CD deck in his Saab primarily because a trip to the car audio section of his local Best Buy would be fraught with annoying sales pitches of garish woofers and tweeters by a 19 year old with frosted blond hair tips that Rickey is tempted to individually pluck out with tweezers and use as currency when he travels abroad to an underdeveloped sub-saharan nation.

[Posted at Humor-Blogs]

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Monday, March 3, 2008

Rickey's Stock Market Tips

Hey there Wall Street savvy folks, are you currently reeling from stock market woes? Worried that your investment portfolio is far too lean to weather today’s shaky financial climate? Well then fret not dear reader, because Rickey has all your problems solved. Below are a few sage pieces of advice that Rickey has deemed invaluable to your economic well being. Ignore these pearls of wisdom at your own damned risk.

Befriend A Mentally Disturbed Mathematical Genius. Although he lies awake at night writhing from insomnia and the mental anguish of incessant equations and unsolved problems bequeathed by long-dead, equally tortured mathematicians, this poor soul can be your gateway to untold riches. Stop by his dilapidated hideout at least twice a day to remind him to eat and bathe in between pondering the great enigmas of numerology, and you will have sufficiently gained his trust to tell him you require his expertise for playing the market. Then he will proceed to lay out all the stock pages from the last year, glue them to the walls, ceiling, and floor of his apartment, at which point connections and correlations will erupt like chain lightning in his delusional, but brilliant brain. Behold: a bulletproof stock portfolio!

Learn How To Interpret The Federal Reserve’s Cryptic Body Language. While Ben Bernanke is careful to keep his lips sealed lest the markets be upset by some verbal gaffe, his hips, much like Shakira’s, don't lie. While Bernake is widely expected to lower rates yet again in the near future, Rickey suspects that his body language is telling a much different story. Perhaps it is saying: “You. American investors. I refuse to bail you out of this one, you irrationally exuberant fuckheads. Like a vengeful Norse god, I am going to punish you by raising interest rates and nipping inflation in the bud. You will thank me later.” (And of course this will be your cue to start shorting bonds and t-bills at the current rate).

Incorporate Yourself Under A Chinese Name. Thanks in no small part to Lou Lou Dobbs' shrill warnings, everyone knows that China's growth rate is going to be double that of America's for the next few decades. What most Americans do not know, however, is anything about China other than the fact that they’re trying to conquer the world by slowly killing us. So why not beat ‘em at their own game? Start making some poisonous but brightly colored children's toys and maybe some toxic tater-tots for good measure (because in Idaho, if it’s not tater-based, then they're fucking stumped). And while you're at it, just go ahead and just name your company the Kung Fu Manchu Ding Dong Huey Looey N. Dooey Bruce Lee Manufacturing Company. (Otherwise people won't know it's Chinese).

Pull Out Of Defense Industry Stocks, Pronto. With a peace mongering Democratic President inbound, the financial outlook is looking rather grim for an industry that prides itself in its ability to find new and creative ways to blow shit up. (Rickey's heartfelt apologies to the good folks at Northrop Grumman). Here's a radical idea: why not invest in something that is becoming increasingly finite that people will always require? Water, perhaps? Wait was that actually an intelligent recommendation? Rickey’s bad—it won’t happen again.

Invest Heavily In Beer. (Not the stocks, the actual thing). If you’d invested $1,000 a year ago in say, uh, Worldcom, you’d have precisely zilch left from your original investment. However, if you’d invested that same $1,000 in beer consumption over the course of a year and recycled all the cans/bottles at your local supermarket, you’d have a few extra bucks in your pocket—a whole hell of a lot better return on your investment if you ask us. And hey, you get to drink the beer too!

[Posted at Humor-Blogs] Click on the link, goddamnit, click! Rickey’s rating over there has plummeted! Calamity!

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