Thursday, August 30, 2007

Rickey Reviews Odd Food Left in the Second Floor Staff Kitchen

Every now and then, someone at Rickey’s office will leave food in the staff kitchen with the intention of giving it away gratis. Generally, this food is either: bizarre, rotten, unhealthy, or all of the above. Rickey, being the curious individual that he is, will often take aforementioned food back to his office and examine it to see if it qualifies as a suitable mid-afternoon snack. Yesterday, a tiny plastic cup in the second floor staff kitchen caught Rickey’s eye. Colored red and labeled only “JELLY,” Rickey deemed this gelatinous oddity to be worth a closer look. Below are Rickey’s field notes on the matter.

Interesting: neither the product’s manufacturer nor distributors are listed on the jelly cup. Alarm bells are stating to jingle in Rickey’s mind.

The label does however clearly state: CONTAINS NO KONJAC. What exactly is this konjac they speak of? A Saturday morning cartoon supervillan? Is it good that Rickey is not ingesting any, or bad that he’s getting enough in his daily diet?

A Wiki search reveals that Asians use this konjac ingredient frequently in cooking. And the FDA issued a full-blown ban on it in 2002. Uh oh. Evidently there was a show on this on Oprah a while ago involving paramedics trying to save children that had choked on konjac. The paramedics would use an instrument that sort of vacuums the konjac out of the wind pipe. Sometimes however, the konjac sticks to the walls of the windpipe and so there is nothing paramedics can do to save a choking child once they ingest it. Klaxon sirens are now sounding in Rickey’s head.

But hey, at least the folks manufacturing this product wised up and removed the konjac from their product. So everything’s hunky-dory, right? Not quite. The ingredients in this highly suspect snack only heighten Rickey’s concerns. The contents are:

1) R.O. Pure Water (holy shit, just how bad does water need to be to require reverse osmosis?)
2) Fructose (mmm, healthy!)
3) Sugar (what, the fructose wasn’t enough?)
4) Coconut (well hey, at least that’s a natural ingredient)
5) Seaweed Extract (ewwwww, what the fuck?)
6) Acidulants (hooray for additives!)
7) Natural Lychee Flavor (sorry, but there’s nothing natural about a fruit that comes from the soapberry family)

Feeling just barely brave enough to sample this seemingly lethal children’s snack, Rickey peels off the plastic top and gingerly licks it. Hm, tastes kind of like mop water. Sickly sweet, and there’s something else in there too… …a slight after-taste of what Rickey imagines horse semen must taste like. Awesome.

Now convinced that the experience cannot possibly get any worse, Rickey pinches the bottom of the cup, and tilts his head back to force the gelatinous mop water into his mouth. Oh god. If Beelzebub were to mandate that the eternally damned take jello shots in the fiery abyss, we imagine this is kind of what they’d taste like. An entire afternoon of work productivity has been lost and Rickey must now unleash hell in the second floor men’s bathroom.

Rickey’s not entirely sure precisely which Asian country this awful food hails from (to prevent a full-scale nuclear strike, the label wisely doesn’t identify that information). But once Rickey finds out, he’ll definitely be writing a few letters to his congressman. And a big shout out to the sadistic bastard in his office who tried to poison Rickey today. It’ll take more than that to keep Rickey down.

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Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Rickey's Tuesday Night Roundup

A family member of Rickey’s had an extra ticket to see “Spamalot” last night, so Rickey embarked upon an impromptu Tuesday night jaunt into NYC. The tickets were free, which is Rickey’s favorite price of all. On the way, Rickey decided to stop off for a bite to eat at the Oyster Bar in Grand Central Station. We don’t know about you folks, but raw shellfish and a Broadway show are the kind of things Rickey can build a whole night around. To read Rickey’s review of the Oyster Bar, proceed hither.

Spamalot” was decent—Rickey had seen it once before and remembered enjoying it more the first time around. Even by Monty Python’s standards the jokes are a tad too self-indulgent, and what’s worse, the humor is a little broad and unnecessarily slapstick. Elaborate musical numbers lampooning gays and Jews really aren’t as charming as you’d think and the show seems to be missing much of the wit that makes “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” so much fun to watch. The second act picks up considerably and includes most of the routines you know and love from the original movie. Still, these bread and butter routines seem a little “off.”

Bonus points to the writers for dipping into “Life of Brian” and including “Always Look in the Bright Side of Life” in the show however. Rickey still can’t get that song out of his head… This proved useful once Rickey exited the theater and heard about Ryan Howard's walk-off home run against the Mets last night. We've said it before and we'll say it again: we liked Guillermo Mota much much more when he was juicing.

And for all those in need of a quality summertime entertainment, Season One of "Friday Night Lights" is retailing at Best Buy at the ridiculously low price of $19.99. On her day off from work, Rickey has dispatched Ms. Henderson to pick this up while he is at the office. Pick it up pronto, before she beats you to the last copy and wrests it from you hands. Believe us, she's scrappy.

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Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Beard Watch 2007 Update

Welcome to Day Eighteen of “Beard Watch 2007.” As you can see from the picture above, things on the beard front have progressed greatly. True, the moustache area has yet to fill in as much as Rickey would like, but we’re keeping our fingers crossed for proper upper lip coverage. A scant two weeks ago, the casual passerby might have merely assumed that Rickey had been too lazy to shave, but now their assessment would necessarily have to be “My word, can it be? Yes, I do believe that gentleman is sporting a beard!”

Recently, we’ve come to realize that there is nothing casual about beard-related decisions, and Rickey is all too aware of just how serious a commitment he’s gotten himself into. Indeed, this is no longer an experiment in men’s facial hair fashion. Rickey now acknowledges that a beard is his interface with the world: defining and announcing who he is.

And while numerous people in Rickey’s life have now taken to calling this an “unhealthy obsession,” Rickey begs to differ. We prefer to refer to it as a “healthy fascination.” Rickey has found a new hobby, pogonotrophy, that he enjoys. This hobby not only includes cultivating a beard (growing, grooming, etc.) but also involves developing friendships with other pogonotrophers. So all you pogonotrophers lurking out there should feed free to check in and report on your beard status as well. Rickey currently believes that several categories of Pogonotrophers currently exist (sadly, beard-related statistics are not listed in the U.S. Census).

Rickey currently falls into the classification of “The Average Pogonotropher”: one who grows a beard and enjoys meeting and talking with others about beards. That’s your basic beard enthusiast in a nut shell. And then there also are the following classifications of beard owners:

“The Collector/Academic Pogonotropher.” One who collects bearded images, art work, articles, books, and occasionally participates in Civil War reenactments.

“The Competitive Pogonotropher.” One who competes for ultimate beard supremacy in international beard contests. Think beauty pageant queens with beards.

“The Aesthetic/Zen Pogonotropher.” Similar to “The Average Pogonotropher,” but possessing a greater appreciation for "The Beard". For these folks it's about the process of growing a beard and appreciating each subtle change as it grows longer, or bigger, or wider, or denser, or whatever shape their beard takes. For these select few, growing a beard is akin to gardening or tending a perfect Bonsai tree. For them it is a chosen lifestyle.

Rickey hopes to dabble in all three classes, thereby leading him to complete beard enlightenment. And for all those considering partaking in the glorious exercise of beard growth, we advise you to ignore the naysayers and go full steam ahead. Because really, what would be more interesting to a man than his beard?

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Monday, August 27, 2007

Your not-so-weekly Mets Update

Wondering why you haven’t seen any activity on this blog since Tuesday? Well, for starters, last week was rather busy. Shit happens folks. Also, bear in mind that not everyone sidles up to their computer during a weekend to post on their snarky website. In fact, really the only activity Rickey uses his computer for on the weekends is habitually checking in on his fantasy baseball team (go Mensch Warmers, go!). But if anything could bring Rickey to break radio silence on this blog, it would definitely be the New York Mets.

See, Rickey is a little irate over the news that The Mets have been holding off on activating a now healthy Endy Chavez. After all, Endy is the man who brought us that fantastic little game winning drag bunt earlier in the season. He’s an all-around scrappy kid who gives the Mets an offensive and defensive lift whenever he’s playing. Did we mention that Chavez is currently hitting .550 at Port St. Lucie? Impatient bastards that he is, Rickey does not feel like waiting until the rosters expand on September 1st to see Endy rejoin the Mets. That’s a crime folks. And while we’re offering our insight into the Mets roster, Rickey has the following additional suggestions for Willie Randolph:

1) Either kill Guillermo Mota or reintroduce him to steroids.
2) Designate Brian Lawrence for assignment after tonight’s start in Philadelphia.
3) Demote Lastings Milledge (last night’s base running gaffe sealed the deal).

That last point might rub some of you the wrong way, but Milledge is still gravely lacking the experience necessary for a playoff run. Yes, he’s a future power hitter, but right now, he’s also one with lousy fielding & base running abilities. Call us crazy, but the kid seems far better suited for playing on an American League team. Sorry, is Rickey being too glum for a Monday morning?

Well would you be cheered up if we were to tell that Paul LoDuca and Pedro Martinez are returning to the lineup soon? Is that something you’d be interested in? We’re especially excited/terrified by the bracing possibility of watching Pedro pitch as soon as this week against the Atlanta Braves at Turner Field. Rest assured: Rickey will not be sober while watching this game.

And this brings us to the upcoming road series, as the Mets face the Phillies then the Braves. It seems as if both teams have been practically begging the Mets to run away with the division all year. So far, they haven't been able to. Here’s to hoping all that changes this week.

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Your Monday Morning Schaedenfraude

Yes! Yes, yes, yes! How's this for cheery Monday morning news: Alberto Gonzalez has resigned! Of course, with this news comes the strong possibility of Geraldo Rivera serving as our next Attorney General, thanks to the White House's fun-loving policy of hiring ex Fox News personalities. Indeed, we're certain the Bush folks will find someone equally incompetent and partisan to carry out their derelict duties. But hey, in an age of exceedingly frustrating news about the war, the price of gas, and flexible mortgage rates, we'll take all the good news we can get. Toodles Gonzo--we in the white supremacist liberal community bid you a not-so-fond farewell.

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Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Your Weekly Linkage

Happy Tuesday folks. There were naysayers who mocked Rickey and advised him against growing a beard. They warned Rickey a beard would make him too hot in the summer. Well guess what fuckos? Its 50 degrees and raining here in NY and Rickey is keeping nice and warm thanks to his beard. So who’s laughing now? Anyhow, here are a few links that Rickey found moderately worthwhile while perusing the internets.

You know, Rickey hadn’t yet hopped on board the Guitar Hero bandwagon. That is, until now. This is because Rickey just read that the new version features Bret Michaels. Awesome.

What if we were to tell you that a certain website existed. A website that streams entire movies. Movies that may or may not still be showing in theaters. Is that something you’d be interested in? Rickey’s friends in the legal profession will most likely want to sit this one out…

Sad news today as Rickey has learned that Leona Helmsley has succumbed to the grip of death (and taxes). She was a true pioneer, establishing that if a female executive is as abrasive, rude, and corrupt as her male counterparts, she deserves to be treated twice as harshly as any man would be. Because, you know, that's not what we expect from the ladies.

In his internet travails, Rickey recently stumbled upon some baseball de-motivational posters. They're a tad dated, but very funny nonetheless.

Are you an alcoholic wondering how to avoid getting nabbed for drunk driving? Well, rather than taking the roads how about just getting hammered and coming home in a boat? Because really, what’s the worst thing that could happen on the water?

A brilliant fellow known as “Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf” managed to injure himself in a rather unique way. Quoth the captain: "It was the most embarrassing moment of my life...wheeled into a packed A&E on a wheelchair with a Hoover attached to my willie, I just wished the ground could swallow me up." Er, ok, but the fact that you’re named “Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf” and are famous for pulling a vacuum cleaner across a stage with your penis is in no way embarrassing?

In what we’re really hoping isn’t a precursor to an upcoming remake of “The Longest Yard,” Michael Vick will plead guilty to those pesky dog fighting conspiracy charges. Good luck in jail Mikey, Rickey hopes your speed and elusiveness come in handy when you're avoiding shivs in the prison yard.

And finally, you might want to hold off on buying that new Fisher-Price toy piano for a little while.

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Monday, August 20, 2007

This fucking beard itches like all hell. And Ms. Henderson is becoming less and less enthused with being used as a scratching post to alleviate the itchiness. Ah well, progress marches on. By the way, can someone inform Rickey of whether or not he should be shampooing and conditioning his beard? Because he’s in totally uncharted waters at the moment.

Speaking of uncharted waters, Rickey got lost up in the Catskills this past weekend and wrote up a review of a local French restaurant. Proceed to Adam’s Rib to read the culinary goodness. Rickey will be back tomorrow with a post on the Mets. Or just more beard-talk if he's feeling lazy.

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Friday, August 17, 2007

Beard Watch 2007 Update

The following is taken from the journal of Rickey Henderson, noted journeyman & beard historian, from the Sixteenth of August, the year 2007.


Setting out from my place of work, I have made the highly inspired choice of driving my sled team of trusty dogs back to my domicile this evening. This will indeed build character while also facilitating continuous beard growth. To ensure maximum velocity, our trusty sled is greased with precious oxen suet. My bountiful man-beard insulates me from the hot rays of the Indian Summer sun. As a much needed precaution, I carry a flask of Minoxidil at my side for much needed beard nourishment. The full weight of the responsibilities of sprouting a beard are now devolving on me, and I know that if they are met, it will be due to the favor of that Divine Providence which has set me on this course. We depart. An adventurous trek beckons us.


Rather than cracking a whip, and crying "mush" to inspire my sled dogs, I have instead chosen to occasionally break wind and yell "beard!" as we journey homeward. This will indeed boost morale amongst the ranks of Wentworth, Chauncey, Higginson, Gustavus, and the other constituents of my faithful sled dog team.


Weary from the long trek, I steer the sled over to an embankment alongside the treacherous Saw Mill River Parkway. I pause to watch the sun slowly drop behind a wondrous green sign reading "Hawthorne Exit 25." My magnificent man-beard glistens in the quickly fading sunlight. The stillness in the air presages a storm which will soon break upon us with all its fury. In order to avoid the onset of Augue, the time has now come to set up camp.


Base camp is now situated and the time has come to feast. Rations are to be distributed carefully. The Huskies receive the lion's share of my remaining vittles while I cheerfully seek out other foodstuff alternatives. A strange cylinder labeled "Coors Light" beckons to me and I feast upon it hungrily, knowing that this wondrous object contains precious metallic ore which is undoubtedly vital for beard growth.


DISASTER. Gustavus, one of my sled dogs, has absconded with my treasured flask of Minoxidil, leaving me alone and destitute of vital beard enhancement. Several long hours later, the treasonous sled dog has indeed returned. Sadly, all that remains from the tumultuous event is an empty bottle of Minoxidil and a Siberian Husky possessing anus hairs the length of two swarthy yeomen. Morale is low.


Despite a rousing bout of fisticuffs with strange and foreign men, a vehicle emblazoned with the marking "ASPCA" has taken my trusty sled dogs from me. I tried my best, but the ruffians sprung upon me like an inrolling wave of the sea. I fear all is lost.


My dearest Ms. Henderson, if you are reading this, please know that I undertook this most dangerous venture in the name of unwavering man-beard experimentation. I know we will meet again in that house not made with hands, that wondrous bearded firmament in the sky. Adieu.


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Thursday, August 16, 2007

Just In Case You Forgot Who Your 2007 Giants Quarterback Was...

Hey now, that’s a fantastic picture of Giants Quarterback Eli Manning isn’t it? (And come to think of it, the closed eyes would explain of lot of his passes last season). Recently, the NY Daily News thought it would be a good idea to let fans post questions for Eli Manning to answer. So in hopes of honing his heckling abilities, Rickey thought he’d add a few of his own questions to the list. If the folks at the Daily News have any sense of humor whatsoever, some of these will still be up at their site. Here’s a few of the choicest ones:

Dear Eli,
What are your hobbies? As a Giants fan, my hobbies include reading, crocheting, and banging my head against the wall whenever you trot off the bench.

Hey Eli,
Where do you go to cry after your games?

You're not going to ask me to hold your hand during halftime anymore are you?
-Tom Coughlin

Eli, your father still cuts up your food for you, correct?

What phase of Phil Collins' career do you prefer more: the Genesis era, or his solo work?

Second to Brian Griese, you're one of my favorite football players. Tell me Eli, do you know what a "Rusty Trombone" is?

As a Faulknerian man-child prematurely thrust into the spotlight, do you find the New York Media to be overly intimidating and demanding?

Hey there cupcake. Just wanted you to know I'll be following your season with great interest.
-Jarrod Lorenzen

What best helps you to wind down after a difficult game: a nice cup of tea or autoerotic asphyxiation?

Why do you hate your father?
-Archie M.

At your earliest possible convenience, I have an exciting new venture in the realm of cockfighting that I think you'd be interested in.
-Ron Mexico (aka Michael Vick)

Hi Eli,
How many 8 year olds do you think you could beat up before they overwhelmed you?

I was wondering if you could settle a bet my friend and I had. He thinks you drive a Mini Cooper but I'm thinking that it's actually a PT Cruiser. Which is it?

Why does your character in Madden ’08 always fumble the ball?

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Wednesday, August 15, 2007

This is where Rickey posts recommendations of noteworthy consumables, practices, and pastimes that have been deemed invaluable for the reader’s betterment. All products and pieces of advice listed herein have been Rickey tested and approved. Again, this is in no way shape or form a complete rip off of McSweeney’s (fa-la-la-la-la, lawyers, Rickey can’t hear you). Enjoy this week’s installment of


A pocket appointment book/day planner. Far cooler looking than your run of the mill PDA, a simple pocket organizer harkens back to the golden age when staying organized still had that personal touch. Pick one of these up pronto and start filling it in.

Bioshock for the Xbox 360. Hey kids, do you like wandering around a decaying retro metropolis 18 fathoms underwater and getting the everliving bejesus scared out of you? If you've been looking for a game to play, the Bioshock demo is it—it’s one hell of a technological and artistic achievement. The full version hits stores in the fall.

Going camping. Guess who doesn’t give a flying fuck about your witty blog? That large bear over there next to your tent. (Rickey’s point is that getting back to nature helps recalibrate one’s perspective on things).

Purchasing the Not Just the Best of the Larry Sanders Show DVD set. Rickey never saw a single episode of The Larry Sanders Show while it was running and he really wishes he’d known about it sooner. This show is absolutely hilarious. It’s well written, and Gary Shandling perfectly captures the insecurities that make up a very ego driven business. $10 if you’re not habitually saying “Hey Now!” after watching this.

Not being amiable with anyone, male or female, who thinks Matchbox 20 “rocks” or “kicks ass.” Rickey doesn’t think he needs to explain why this is a good idea. And while we’re being snarky, try to avoid anyone who professes to shop at Aeropostale.

Lying and manipulating your way through your fantasy football draft. Rickey knows very little about American football (or any football, for that matter) and must therefore engage his friends in deceitful conversations before the draft. Rickey plans to feel them out about their battle plans and say things such as, “You know, I don’t even know if I should tell you this, but I think Chad Pennington is going to blow up this year.” (Little does anyone know that Rickey secretly suspects that Chad Pennington’s shoulder is going to detach from his body in Week 3).

Eating well. You know, vegetables and other healthy stuff like that. Some treadmill action is always a winning idea too. Admit it, you thought that Rickey was the kind of guy who eats fried chicken in the bathtub, didn’t you? Well he’s not goddamnit.

“A Series of Dreams” by Bob Dylan. Ever since Rickey heard this song featured on the finale of “John from Cincinnati,” he absolutely cannot get it out his head. But in a good way, because it’s a pretty awesome song and is well worth the 99 cents iTunes charges.

Occasionally quoting the Simpsons. Because a little bit of levity goes a long way to brighten one’s day. One of Rickey’s favorite Simpsons quotes comes from the episode where Mr. Burns buys the local church and fills it with advertising. Lisa looks up at a giant neon Jesus twirling a lasso:

“Why does Jesus have a lasso?” – Lisa
“Because he’s all man.” – Homer

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Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Beard Watch 2007 Update

Welcome to Day Five of “Beard Watch 2007.” As you can see from the picture above, it has been five days since Rickey has shaved last, and so far, he’s quite pleased with the results.

Now, the casual observer might wonder why someone would bother to grow a beard in the first place. This is an excellent question. And one which Rickey doesn’t have an answer to yet. We suspect this decision has something to do with a desire to appear like someone who’s been “there” and seen things--a worldly man, if you will. The kind of man who sits cross-legged in front of a campfire, in the nude, eating a raw snake that he’s just killed with his bare hands. Look, every man has a dream, and this is Rickey’s (except for the snake-eating part… that’s just odd).

So after running this decision by a skeptical and increasingly alarmed Ms. Henderson, Rickey got the green light for this endeavor.

The current game plan calls for a long sustained period of beard growth, until it becomes necessary for Rickey to purchase a beard trimmer. At which point, Rickey will register his beard with The National Beard Registry and then experiment with new and exciting styles in men’s beard fashion. Rickey will keep the beard for a period of time until he grows weary of it, at which point this exercise will culminate in the removal of the beard, leaving only an awesome handlebar mustache, or possibly goatee. As you can tell, Rickey has given this quite a bit of thought.

It’s the getting there that will prove to be the hard part. A long and windy road of itchiness lies ahead. And sadly, there have been significant setbacks already. Much to his sadness, Rickey quickly realized that his chin dimple will be obscured by the beard. For someone who prides himself on possessing truly a magnificent dimple, this was indeed a shocking revelation that briefly cast the entire endeavor in doubt. Nonetheless, progress marches on, and perhaps Rickey will find a way to trim his beard which would allow for the dimple to appear more pronounced in comparison with the rest of the beard. We’re pretty much making this up as we go.

For emotional support on this difficult journey, Rickey will be checking in with the folks at “The Beard Team USA Blog.” This is a site that as far as we’ve been able to tell, is written without any trace of irony whatsoever. Here’s a sampling: “If Beard Team USA is to succeed in its quest to make the USA a power in international facial hair competitions, it is now time to analyze the situation carefully, consider all points of view, and plan the way forward. It may be a bit of an exaggeration to say that the situation is grave and deteriorating, but at least one thing is clear: Staying the course will not lead to victory.”

Woo boy, now that’s some truly intense beardspeak. And best of all, it’s written by folks that Rickey would never dare leave small children unattended with.

Anyhow, rest assured dear reader, we’ll keep you posted weekly with photos of how things are progressing. Because we feel that your day really isn’t complete without real-time updates on Rickey’s ongoing quest to grow a beard. It’s about damn time someone put the internet to good use.

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Monday, August 13, 2007

New & Exciting Ways to Kill Office Productivity!

Happy Monday folks. Rickey has two thrilling announcements to make: 1) He’s growing a beard and will be providing regular updates on the beard's progress. And, 2) Rickey is contributing to an exciting new site in the ever expanding blogosphere. It’s called “Adam’s Rib” and is designed to be primarily about food (recipes, reviews, etc.) but we expect it will only be a matter of time until Rickey starts ranting about the Mets over there as well. So check regularly for updates. Also, we’re soliciting for contributors, so if any of you gourmands out there would like to jump on board this ship of fools, definitely let Rickey know. Strength in numbers, people.

In the meantime, does anyone know if Rogaine applied to the face helps speed up beard growth? Because a four day beard isn’t nearly as awe inspiring as Rickey had hoped.

Also, for the record, Rickey has no idea whatsoever why Rickey’s jukebox of doom plays the same 25 songs over and over even though his playlist consists of over 400 tunes. We assure you, we’re not too crazy for Steppenwolf’s “Magic Carpet Ride” either…

P.S.: Haley, in a sheepish effort to placate you, and Rickey's 2.5 other female readers, "Deathcab For Cutie" has now been added to the playlist.

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Thursday, August 9, 2007

Your Weekly Linkage

Happy Thursday you inglorious bastards. Yesterday this blog hit 100 posts and we’re quite pleased with this seemingly inconsequential milestone. Indeed, Rickey likes to think of himself as your sherpa in the quest to tackle boredom, your Internet wrangler, your web shepherd, the mercury in your online thermometer. So in hopes of entertaining and informing you, we offer up these following links, which should firmly cement this blog’s reputation as a fierce playground of irreverence. Enjoy them in good health.

Kicking things off is this video clip of someone breaking into a liquor store which will have you crying tears of laughter. Just when you think that things can't escalate any more, they do.

A friend in Boston alerted Rickey to this wicked cool barbershop. In addition to having that old-timey vintage barbershop feel which “takes you back to a time where taking care of how you look was part of being a man” they also serve beer. Can someone please explain to us why there isn’t one of these in NYC?

Everyone’s favorite baseball announcer, Keith Hernandez, has been awarded the honor of possessing the “Top Sports Mustache of all Time” by entity known as The American Mustache Institute. This is awesome on two levels: 1) that Keith Hernandez rather than Rollie Fingers was given this award, and 2) that there’s actually an organization known as the American Mustache Institute. Rickey wonders if they’re tax exempt…

Hey kids, would you like to watch a YouTube clip of Christopher Walken cooking chicken and pears? Damn straight you would. And the inevitable spoof can be found here.

Rickey stumbled upon this picture of Gary Coleman and Mark Messier and feels like you folks need to see it as well. Consider yourself adequately disturbed for the day.

Much to the consternation of some clog wearing Dutchmen, a giant Lego man washed up on a beach in Zandvoort. There’s a “Planet of the Apes” joke in here somewhere, but Rickey’s too lazy to make one up.

And finally, Rickey absolutely loves it whenever Ichiro Suzuki speaks in front of a camera. Slate has written an article compiling some of his choicest quotes. Courtesy of one of Rickey's buddies, here’s a sampling:

When he first arrived in the United States in 2001, Ichiro would not even share his pet's name with a curious reporter. "I do not have the dog's permission," he explained.

After starting this season with a run of multihit games, Suzuki was asked whether he found his performance surprising: "It's not surprising. At the same time, it's not that usual. It's somewhere between usual and surprising," he said.

Before facing off against Red Sox pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka in April, Ichiro said, "I hope he arouses the fire that's dormant in the innermost recesses of my soul. I plan to face him with the zeal of a challenger." And about Tiger Woods, he said, "Tiger is a great golfer, but … when you say athlete, I think of Carl Lewis. When you talk about [golfers or race-car drivers], I don't want to see them run. It's the same if you were to meet a beautiful girl and go bowling. If she's an ugly bowler, you are going to be disappointed."

As the Seattle Times noted this spring, one of Ichiro's favorite off-season activities is recording a Japanese television game show called Ichiro Versus. In the show's free-association contest, for instance, Ichiro and his celebrity guest are given a word and asked to say the first thing that pops in to their heads. (Announcer: "First encounter." Ichiro: "Forgive me, I was just a curious 18-year old.")

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Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Introducing our Newest Feature: Musical Accompaniment!

Fed up with his meager $10.75 in earned income from the Google Ads on this site, Rickey has decided to dispense with them entirely in favor of something far superior: a streaming music widget. Or as we like to call it: “Rickey’s Rhythms.” Rather than merely recommending music to our readers, we figure it’s a good idea for you to actually hear some of Rickey’s eclectic choices in music. We got this idea after stumbling upon this feature on Wil Wheaton’s blog and figured that if that impotent punk Wheaton has streaming music, then goddammit, so should Rickey. And even better, Rickey won’t be streaming any “Death Cab for Cutie,” or whatever brand of wuss-rock Wil Wheaton fellates himself to.

Indeed, Rickey would be lying if he said that his musical selection wasn’t 100% kickass. A truly unique blend of awesomeness spanning a wide variety of musical genres. One second you’re rocking out to a new White Stripes song, and then whammy, on comes an obscure Irish drinking song. An Artic Monkeys ditty could segway into a highly underrated piece of nostalgia from Wreckless Eric. A set of classic Rolling Stones songs could be broken up by a fantastic cover by Me First and the Gimme Gimmes. Every now and then Rickey might even throw in a wildcard such as "Muskrat Love" or "Tears of a Clown" to see if they subliminally effect anyone, thereby sending them into a killing rage/frenzy. It’s the not knowing that makes it all so exciting.

And if for some off chance you dislike the music (this contingency is highly unlikely) then you can always take the incredibly effective step of skipping to the next song on the playlist. Yep, we’ve thought of everything. So far Rickey’s has compiled 400+ songs and counting, so sit back, relax, and crank up your computer speakers. Stay tuned, because we’ll be scouring the internet for music like feral packrats and updating the playlist daily with new and cromulent selections.

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Monday, August 6, 2007

Glavines! Prepare for Glory!

At the request of Adam, we suppose a post begrudgingly congratulating Tom Glavine on his 300 wins is kind of in order. Never mind the fact that as others have previously pointed out, a whole bunch of those wins were against the Mets when Glavine wore a Braves uniform. Make no mistake, Tom Glavine will be enshrined in the Hall of Fame as a Bravo, not a Metropolitan.

Rickey would be a lot happier if this record had anything to do with the Mets 2007 season (it doesn’t) or if it was made by someone other than a soft tossing lefty with a penchant for giving up the lead in clutch situations. Anyone who has ever watched Glavine nibble against hitters and repeatedly fall behind in the count knows perfectly well that he signed with the Mets in his twilight years. Just look at the picture above if you don’t believe us. Sweet Jesus, the man is only a few years away from sitting on the front porch and handing out Werther’s Originals to his grandchildren.

But hey, even though 21 people have already hit this milestone, it is indeed a historical moment because for the foreseeable future, absolutely no other pitchers will make it to 300. Neither Randy Johnson (ailing back) or Mike Mussina (groin issues) have a decent shot at making it, and after them are a bunch of guys who are 40+ and still a long long way away. And lest we forget, Glavine was the guy who had five 20 win seasons (four more than Greg Maddux), was awarded two Cy Youngs, and was named the World Series MVP after tossing a one hitter in game six of the '95 World Series. So hey, here’s a golf clap for Tom Glavine. Now that you’ve hit 300, please try not to lose the rest of your starts.

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What Rickey Learned from Jury Duty

Now that Rickey’s all done with jury duty, he can safely share the following pieces of advice with you:

1) When being questioned by the judge if you’ve ever been victim of a crime, and the juror preceding you divulges a horrific ordeal about being robbed and having their face slashed, it’s generally not a good idea to follow that up with a story about how your iPod was stolen. Meh, Rickey was victimized damnit, and he wanted the judicial system to be aware of it.

2) No matter how attractive she may be, a married woman with a six month old child at home probably isn’t the best choice from the jury pool to hit on. We imagine that she’s a little too committed to other things to be dating at this point… (you know, with the whole infant thing and marriage and whatnot). But did this bit of common sense stop an overzealous radiologist from pursuing that unattainable fruit? No it did not.

3) Finally, remember to get adequately frisky when the attorneys question you. Rickey was explained the notion of circumstantial evidence by the prosecution as follows: “Now Mr. Henderson, let’s say that one day you come home and find all the chocolate cookies from your cookie jar eaten and you noticed that your child had chocolate all over their face… could you safely assume that your child had eaten the cookies?” Rickey informed the attorney that he wasn’t comfortable with using cookie theft as an example of circumstantial evidence in a criminal trial and that no, one cannot safely draw that conclusion. Other children (and possibly the dog) could have been involved in the caper. Rickey pointed out that for all he knew, there could’ve been a full blown cookie conspiracy afoot. And this glib response is how Rickey got himself excused from jury duty.

*Thanks to Adam for holding down the fort while Rickey was busy serving his community. More posts to follow once Rickey digs out from the mound of work on his desk...

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Saturday, August 4, 2007

Baseball's Shame

Barry Bonds is a liar, a cheat and a complete asshole. And I'm rooting for him to break Hank Aaron's home run record.

I find it hypocritical the way the fans, media and league treat the sport of baseball. It's time people get back to reality and realize that baseball is not a victim, and that Barry Bonds is not some sort of predator. Following the 1994 strike, all elements of the baseball world looked the other way when a sudden onslaught of power hitting became evident. Anyone remember Baltimore Oriole Brady Anderson? In 1996, Anderson, who averaged about 10-15 HRs a season put up an inexplicable 50 homers that year (and over the next six years of his career, Anderson only managed to hit more than 20 home runs once more). But a guy like Anderson is a quaint example of the more notorious power hitters that came through the late 1990s to reignite fan interest in the floundering game. The great race to break Roger Maris' 61 home runs in a single season was a marketing boon for Commissioner Bud Selig and the league. Come see history being made, we were told. Don't mind the fact that these formerly lanky hitters now look like water balloons. Hey Mark McGwire, can you help us sell some Big Macs?

What makes Barry Bonds' looming record any different? Have we "wised-up" that much in the last ten years? Or do we all feel guilty for looking the other way when it seemed like everyone was touching all four bases on a regular basis? There is a great deal of acrimony that is still left over from the '94 strike-- both between the fans and the game and within the game itself. I fear that the media backlash against Barry Bonds is another chapter in the long-running PR war between the league and the player's union. And the player's union really can't call it what it is, because they will look like they're defending the "villainous" Bonds, who is the whipping boy du jour.

Is Barry Bonds a good guy? Absolutely not. But I look at him as a modern-day Frankenstein. We marveled at his creation and his abilities when he first became "superhuman" but then we felt ashamed of him, and we turned those negative feelings away from ourselves and pointed them directly on Bonds. And that shifting of blame is a serious distortion of the truth. Bonds was an inevitability. When the game looks the other way for so long, allowing (if not implicitly encouraging) the use of performance-enhancing substances to boost the spectacle of the game, Barry Bonds was within his rights to choose to cheat. He owns personal responsibility for knowingly taking these substances and lying about them after the fact. He is, in truth, a coward. But to say that Bonds is ruining the home run record, and by extension, the game itself is an inaccurate indictment of the man. The game failed to protect itself-- from the commissioner, to the team owners, general managers, all the way down to the players and fans. We all willingly averted our eyes from the truth, and now that Bonds' ascension to all-time home run greatness is happening, we cannot ignore it any further.

So, I will cheer Bonds when he crosses home plate on his 755th home run (to tie Hank Aaron) and I will stand up and do a white-guy fist-pump when he sends his 756th home run over the fence as well. Think about it: what better way to memorialize the greatest hypocrisy to ever envelope the game than to have Bonds take hold of the home run record? Lest the game never forget that it sold its soul after the strike to make billions all over again. We all need to share in that feeling of shame. Hopefully that will force us to take better care of the game in the future.

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