Friday, March 30, 2007

Your Weekly Links

Looking for a way to whittle away the time until the Mets unleash a whomping of biblical proportions upon the entire city of St. Louis this Sunday night? Well you could always go on a monster cocaine binge punctuated by Dante-esque hallucinations and maniacal laughter. Or you could seek out amusement in these links:

Ready to get into the Passover spirit? No? Neither is Rickey. Anyway, proceed here. It’s Jew-riffic. Or Jew-tacular, if you will.

Rickey’s sibling responds in rare form, challenging “I’ll see your Passover video and raise you a NIN song remake starring Kemit the Frog.” Well done sir, well done.

Fantastic, athletes are collecting stem cells from their family members to heal themselves in the event of injury. Mmmm, brains, precious, brains…

Would you like to see Jack Bauer battle William Riker in Street Fighter? Of course you would. Go hither.

Why are the best two t-shirts ever unavailable and made by a clothing outfitter for overly effeminate men? There’s no justice in this world.

Homemade Indian ice cream? Sans curry? Hm, sounds worth trying…

They’ve announced the street date for Apple’s latest bid at global domination. God help us all. Eh, who is he kidding? Rickey’s just jealous that he’s bound to a Verizon contract for another year.

Finally, over at Yankees 2000 (your one stop shop for Yanks bashing and Mets adoration) they’ve posted a brief preview of the 2007 baseball season to get you psyched. Any article that labels Reyes as someone “on the brink of changing the game of baseball” deserves your time, dontcha think?

Enjoy Sunday night’s game folks. And pay no mind to the Cardinals World Series Pennant raising ceremony that ESPN2 will undoubtedly broadcast. At 83 and 78, St. Louis was the team with the worst record ever to win the World Series. Expect the Mets to remind them of that this Sunday night.

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Thursday, March 29, 2007

Is that not the best picture ever of a disgruntled Mets fan? Are you not amused? Like the poor bloke on the left watching last season's 10-1 loss to the Pirates, Rickey is also deeply perturbed. And what, you ask, is the cause of his perturbance? No, it’s not the fact that Duaner “Dirty” Sanchez is suddenly out for most of the 2007 season due to a fracture of his coracoid (after two injury riddled Mets seasons, Rickey virtually has an MD). And it’s not the fact that Jon Adkins decided it would be fun to give up 17 runs in 13 innings during Spring Training this year. Nor is it the fact that watching Shawn Green putter around in right field is about as enjoyable as an adult circumcision.

No, what really grinds Rickey’s gears is the fact that the first Mets game of the season will be broadcast on ESPN2 (“The Ocho” as some have taken to calling it). Never mind that ESPN2 is typically reserved for thrilling sporting events such as billiards, lumberjacking tournaments, and hot dog eating contests. No, the bigger problem here is that ESPN2, unlike it’s sister station, ESPN, does not broadcast in high definition. Yeah, that’s right: an opening night Mets/Cardinals game is not being transmitted in glorious HD. Frakking hell.

So when Rickey tunes in this Sunday night at 8pm on ESPN2, he won’t be treated to a nice widescreen image. And Rickey certainly won’t see a level of detail that will allow him to pick out items like the exact shade of red in Scott Spiezio’s ridiculous goatee or what blend of grass the St. Louis grounds crew is using to cover the field this season. Other than Bud Selig (who Rickey holds responsible for the fact that stamps now cost 39 cents), who is to blame here? What sporting event is appearing on regular ESPN that’s bumping the Mets/Cards season opener to ESPN2?

Women’s college basketball. And not even the finals. The freaking semi-finals. First off, Rickey would like to placate his .75 female readers by stating that he has nothing but the utmost of respect for women’s basketball. He’s rooting for Rutgers in fact—go Scarlet Knights, go! But as much fun as watching a lot of layups is, women’s basketball trumping a Mets/Cards home opener is completely ridiculous. Thank you very much, Title 9. Deep down, we all knew that it was only a matter of time until you came back to taunt us…

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Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Pardon the severe lapse in writing lately. Rickey has been hard at work honing his ice sculpture skills as well as calculating how many 12-year olds he could beat up before they overtook him. One day all this will undoubtedly earn Rickey a Nobel Prize. But rest assured readers, Rickey’s back. So what better way for Rickey to kick start things again than with a brand spanking new column of:


Getting a free NYTimes select subscription. Still have your trusty .edu address from your heady college days? Then you too can access all that the NY Times has to offer. Congratulations, that $35K+ a year has earned you the privilege of listening to Maureen Dowd rant creepily about Margaret Spellings' love life. Woot.

The Traveling Wilburys. Never heard of this band? You might know ‘em better as George Harrison, Roy Orbison, Tom Petty, and Bob Dylan. Yeah, those guys.

Befriending someone with season tickets to a local sporting event. It absolutely kills Rickey that he has to scour Ebay and Stubhub for decent Mets tickets this season… Bastards.

Edible Arrangements. Ms. Henderson recently alerted Rickey to this store’s nearby presence and he is now intrigued. Evidently they’re some kind of decorative fruit arrangement retailer. Very interesting. You can most likely find them in the fruit district. (Or via the store locator on the company website).

Leaving your dog at a place like this when you go away on vacation. Streaming video feed of your canine while you’re away? Good stuff. (The gi-normous white Samoyed is Rickey’s). Rock on Cosmo, you’re the goddamned alpha dog and you know it.

Rome. Ok, so maybe Rickey is a little late to the party, but this was a damn fine show nonetheless. Unfortunately, anyone with a basic knowledge of Roman history already knows how the plot is going to develop, which does spoil the show a little bit. Except for that one episode where Julius Caesar teams up with Jesus Christ to steal Genghis Kahn’s stuffed toy yak. That was kind of a shocker.

Nerf Weaponry. Fun, but in a decidedly non-lethal kind of way. When he’s feeling frisky, Rickey is going to try to bring a suitcase full of these ridiculously goofy things on to an airplane and see what happens. What, is the “N-Strike Longshot CS-6” not a reasonable piece of carry on luggage?

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Monday, March 19, 2007

Happy times are upon us at last. It’s almost April which not only means the dawn of a new baseball season, but also a new fantasy baseball season as well. Last year, Rickey’s fantasy baseball team performed magnificently under the auspicious moniker of “The Rusty Trombones.” This year, he’s hoping to do even better. Rickey has whittled down his list of suitable team names to what you see below:

Keep Rolen Rolen Rolen
The Armando Benitez Experience
The Nappy Dugouts
Oedipus Rex and the Mama’s Boys
Kerry Wood's Hot Tub
The Van Buren Boys

Cory Lidle’s Passport
The Baseball Furies
Jeff Kent's Moustache
The Overpaid Journeymen
Draft Bonds, He's Good
The Mensch Warmers
Vandalay Industries
The Wobblies
Explosive Renteria
Dr. Terror's Team of Horrors

Got a better name? Well then go ahead and add it in the comments section chief. But beware: Rickey will go on a maniacal killing spree if anyone suggests “Lords Of The Swing” or “The Battlin' Frodo's” as appropriate team names. Consider yourself warned.

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Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Your Weekly 24 Recap

Rickey’s back with your weekly 24 recap. Gird your loins Jack Bauer enthusiasts, because Rickey is becoming increasingly irritated with this show. Chloe summed it up best on Monday night’s episode when she told Logan: "I'm sorry. I'm feeling ambivalent. I have to go" which pretty much echoes Rickey’s feelings about this entire season so far.

This has indeed been a season of ambivalency. Forget the fact that the use of real-time so brilliantly executed in Season 1 is long gone—that sad fact has been obvious for several years now. What really bothers Rickey is that the show’s writers now insist on killing off or sidelining EVERY interesting character left in the show. Curtis? Logan? Even Assad had potential in the first episode, until he became background noise doomed to die uselessly. And why is Karen still stuck at the airport? That’s enough whining for now however; let’s get on with the “highlights” from Monday night:

The good news? Aaron Pierce is back. The bad news? He no longer sports a gun or suit, he looks a lot skinnier, and there’s no flamethrower to be seen nearby. Even worse, he seems to have been relegated to the task of picking up magazines for Martha (which we can safely assume include “Mad,” “Cracked,” and “Bat-Shit Crazy Housewife Quarterly”). For those watching 24 since Season 1, seeing a domesticated Aaron just isn’t right. He’s an unstoppable killing machine folks—a golem of a man. He is not a hausfrau. This new development is completely unacceptable.

And could the show have possibly telegraphed the stabbing of Logan any more? All that was missing was a flashing animated arrow pointing to the freaking knife. And then they reprised the "Crazy Martha Logan" theme (you know, the “wild oboe!” sound) from last season and you knew damn well what was about to happen next.

For those keeping score at home, the highlight of the episode was undoubtedly Powers Boothe, who somehow makes Dick Cheney look like Tickle-Me-Elmo, rather than the nefarious penguin we all know and love. It’s a miracle that staffers at the White House bunker don’t literally disintegrate before the V.P.’s withering gaze. Rickey thinks it’s fantastic that in the 24 universe, the country is now being commanded by a deranged LBJ clone who seems eager to perform a Slim Pickens impersonation from “Dr. Strangelove” and ride a nuclear missile rodeo style into the heart of the Middle East.

But one question: how exactly did this nationalist redneck V.P. manage to hop on the Black Liberal presidential ticket with Wayne Palmer? No one thought to question this? Really?

And ah yes, Ricky Schroeder. 10 points to Rickey for more or less having the same name as Rickey. 10 points deducted from Ricky Schroeder for strolling into the local hair salon and telling his barber: "give me the Luke Skywalker, circa Return of the Jedi". Also detracting from the believability of Rickey Schroeder as the head of CTU Field Ops is that, despite being 50, he still somehow looks like a kid playing cops & robbers.

And Schroeder leading a successful assault on the Russian consulate really isn’t saying much given how poorly the guards there seem to be trained. You would think the Russians guards would try and seek cover when being shot at rather than adopting the “let's all run out the door into the open and fire our guns that way!” policy. Evidently not. You deserve to be killed by Ricky Schroeder if you’re that dumb.

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Tuesday, March 13, 2007

This is where Rickey posts recommendations of noteworthy consumables, practices, and pastimes that have been deemed invaluable for the reader’s betterment. All products and advice listed herein have been Rickey tested and approved. Again, this is in no way a complete rip off of McSweeney’s (fa-la-la-la-la, lawyers, Rickey can’t hear you). Enjoy this week's installment of:


Constructing your own digital picture frame. Got an old laptop lying around? This project is shockingly easy and saves you $400 on a store bought digital picture frame. Just think of how nice your bestiality photo collection will look when proudly displayed on a digital picture frame in your living room.

Trader Joe’s. Decent food, low prices, and the unadulterated thrill of having your food items scanned at the checkout counter by a burned out aging hipster. Need we say more? Those dunking cookie things are like crack-cocaine for Rickey.

Owning a Toyger. Half housecat, half tiger, it’s the latest trend in designer pets. For only $4,000, you too can scare away houseguests when your hungry pet Toyger’s instincts take over and it starts circling them menacingly.

Worms! On occasion, having worms can be a good thing, especially when it’s the XBL Arcade game consisting of teams of cute battle hardened worms duking it out armed with banana bombs, bazookas, and explosive sheep. You will never laugh so hard while playing a game. Sadly, the Holy Hand Grenade is not included in this version.

Rescue Me. Want to see Dennis Leary sink deeper and deeper into a pit of despair and self-loathing? Sure you do—he’s funny when he’s angry. Part comedy and part tragedy, this riveting show is pretty much the only reason to flip on FX.

Owning a Brita. Chances are you don’t know what cryptosporidium and giardia are, and you don’t want to. Buy one.

Neon Bible by Arcade Fire. Every now and then, a band’s second album shatters the “sophomore slump” stereotype. This is one such occasion. Their lyrics are reminiscent of Springsteen and their sound is a mix of guitars, pianos, organs, and xylophones. Avant-garde doesn’t even begin to describe these guys. They’ve single handedly created a new musical genre: chamber-pop. Listen to this, pronto.

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Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Ho Hum

You’ll have to pardon the recent lapse in activity around here—Rickey has been hard at work packing up all his worldly possessions in anticipation of switching apartments next weekend. For the record, moving is a total bitch and should be avoided at all costs. When all the painting, packing, and lifting are taken into account, suddenly squatting doesn’t sound like such a bad proposition. The cruel irony of it all is that the new apartment is only 15 goddamned minutes down the road. But on the plus side, it is gi-normous and has 3 bedrooms. (One of which Rickey totally plans to convert into a masturbatorium).

Now that we’ve succeeding in scaring all friends and family members away, let’s discuss “24.” Rickey has nothing whatsoever to say about this week’s “24.” It was just very, uh, boring. Perhaps after 6 seasons of unfettered gravitas, torture scenes, terrorist threats, and Kiefer getting progressively crazier, the shtick is beginning to wearing thin? Or perhaps we’re all becoming scarily desensitized to the wanton violence that typifies a “24” episode? Either way, nothing in Monday night’s show inspired Rickey to write anything particularly prolific this week, so he’s just going to go ahead and cry uncle and post several random observations.

  • Huzzah for an episode with Morris and Chloe being useful and not ridiculously annoying. That whole Morris/alcoholism subplot seems to have gone the way of the random sexual harassment chick storyline from last season. “Did you see how he touched me? That was wrong.” Exactly what makes the writers of “24” think that the audience cares about boring office events that transpire at CTU? Next week, will we be treated to an entire episode consisting of Bill Buchanan conducting an OSHA training class? A staff meeting discussing the new CTU dental plan? Anything’s possible! Tune in next Monday and watch!

  • Two consulate break-ins in two seasons in a row? Its official, the show’s writers have run out of new ideas. Even better, they actually admit to it in the show’s script when Bill talks to Jack and says something to the effect of, “uh, hey Jack, you already did this once, you sure you want to do it again?” Any why exactly is the Russian Consulate located in a residential section of L.A.? But on the positive side, we can be certain that in the season finale, the following exchange will take place: “Jack, there's a call from your nephew (snicker).” “Hello, Josh?” BAM!!! Off to a Siberian gulag!

  • It’s a real bad sign that next week’s 20 second preview entertained me much more than the preceding 40 minutes of the show did. Rickey would like to remind his readers that he totally called Martha and Aaron returning this season as a couple. Although it’s not exactly a crowning achievement, since any numbskull could have predicted their reemergence. All the real fans know that any season of “24” without Aaron Pierce is a complete and utter trainwreck. Kind of like how any “Lost” episode without Sayid is a total disaster. You few remaining “Lost” enthusiasts know what Rickey is talking about.

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Friday, March 2, 2007

Your Weekly Linkage

Its Friday people and Rickey is excited (or possibly very giddy due to a severe lack of sleep). In fact, Rickey's so excited that he went ahead and posted an image of Ming the Merciless in his blog for no apparent reason other than the suspicion that Ming was behind the stock market's recent woes.

Please note that scrolling over all links posted here now results in a small preview window popping up. Very snazzy, no? Next week: fully embedded youtube clips of professional lumberjacking tournaments. You know you want it. To commemorate the occasion, here are a few items of interest to tide you over while wondering whether or not your new apartment building allows its tenants to own marmots.

Now that David Fincher is finished with Zodiac (and sweet jebus does that look good), word is that he’s planning on making the F. Scott Fitzgerald short story, “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button,” into a film. While not quite as awesomely bizarre and gothic as Kafka’s “Metamorphosis,” this little tale is still quite good. Rickey can’t wait to see what Fincher does with it. This link takes you to a full text of the story for your reading pleasure, thus saving you bewildering looks from the staff at Borders when you show up dressed up as Jay Gatsby demanding to be escorted to the F. Scott Fitzgerald section. Don’t say we never did anything for you.

Always an invaluable source of Mets related humor, Toasty Joe whips up a transcript of interviews from Port St. Lucie for you to browse through. Enjoy Part I and Part II. By the way, for those keeping score at home, we’re roughly 1 month away from opening day. So why hasn’t Subway started up their annual cross promotion with the Mets and Yanks yet? Rickey really needs more reasons to bang his head against the wall.

Peyton Manning has been tapped to host SNL. God help us all. Superbowl ring or not, Manning is still the NFL’s version of Anna Kournikova. Would you like to know more? (yes, that’s a “Starship Troopers” reference folks).

We like it when McSweeney’s posts fictitious articles about emotionally unbalanced people doing insane things. Read on.

Finally, when he finds the free time, Rickey is planning on making his own root beer and ginger ale. There’s no particular reason for this really, but hey, everyone needs a hobby. Instructions on brewing root beer and ginger ale can be found here. Just try not to blow your eyebrows off, ok?

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Thursday, March 1, 2007

Your Weekly Mets Update

Happy Thursday folks. Or “The-Hers Day” if you will… (for the ladies). If Mr. Met can find the time to hang out with Condi Rice, then there'e absolutely no reason for him to continuously turn down Rickey's written requests to ordain Rickey's wedding. None.

Glutton for punishment that he is, Rickey decided to hunker down and watch the rebroadcast of the Mets’ first spring training game on SNY last night. Unsurprisingly enough, it was a total snooze-fest. Based on the outcome of the game (a 5-4 Mets loss) it is abundantly clear that the Metropolitans are clearly headed towards a 0-162 season. You head me Mets fans, let the hand-wringing ensue.

See, Ms. Henderson loves to tease Rickey about these things, and was in rare form last night—asking why the Mets were playing so poorly and what their deal was. And then it occurred to Rickey that she might not be the only person spreading seeds of doubt in Mets world at the moment. Some of you dumb schmucks might actually be seriously worried. So to all you insane naysayers that hopped on the Mets bandwagon during the 2006 season, Rickey has the following words of wisdom:

Did anyone get hurt? If the answer is no, then guess what cupcake, that constitutes a victory for the Mets. Wins and losses during Spring Training are about as relevant as the current whereabouts of Bobby Valentine. As long as Reuben Sierra didn’t develop Alzheimer’s and show up wearing Yankee pinstripes or Julio Franco didn’t shatter a hip or Moises Alou’s arm didn’t fall off in mid throw, then a Mets February Spring Training game is a success. That’s where Rickey is setting the bar at.

Forget the fact that Shawn Green and Moises Alou can’t really catch or throw the ball particularly well (which, if you’re an outfielder, is kind of an issue). We’ve still come a long way since the nightmarish Todd Hundley and Roger Cedeno years. Yeah, remember them?

Nervous after watching Perez slowly toss underhanded softballs to the Tigers? Consider the fact that Aaron Heilman unveiled a nasty looking slider yesterday and seems to be making yet another bid at a spot in the starting pitching rotation. This time, it just might pan out for Heilman.

More good news: Gary, Keith, and Ron are back, and with them, so is the hilarity. Rickey was happy to see that yes, Gary Cohen still looks absolutely goofy and insists on turning his head directly towards Keith and inexplicably grinning like a pederast whenever they speak. Now if someone could please beat Chris Cotter with a sack of Valencia oranges, everything would be perfect.

And the most exciting news to take away from yesterday’s game? The Mets have a guy named Ben Johnson playing for them. Phallic jokes aside, (Johnson is standing tall at first base!) he looks like a scrappy player. And even though B.J.’s name is spelled differently from that of the famed British poet laureate, Rickey will be making literary references whenever possible. If the Mets could seek out and draft baseball players by the names of Robert Herrick and Richard Lovelace, thereby completing the first ever English Renaissance Poet trifecta in baseball, Rickey’s life would be complete.

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