Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Rickey Explains New Hampshire to His Readership

Today being Primary Day in New Hampshire, Rickey figured he’d devote a column to explaining the ins and outs of the Granite State for your enlightenment. You see, Rickey was born in New Hampshire (and occasionally enjoys vacationing there), and while he only spent the first few months of his life living there, he nonetheless feels a powerful bond with that state and its denizens. And since the New Hampshire Primary marks the first meaningful political contest of 2008 (suck it you corn crazy Iowans), we figure that now is the time for a brief summation of how things work up there in God’s own backyard. So let’s cast some light on some of this curious state’s more noteworthy aspects:

STATE MOTTO: “Live Free or Die.” Bar none, the best governmental slogan in the world.

STATE BIRD: The Purple Finch. Not the most fearsome of birds, (Rickey would’ve preferred some kind of raptor) but still, bonus points for being in the same genus as the Tufted Titmouse.

POLITICS: As far as the political makeup goes, New Hampshire consists of members of either the extreme left or the extreme right. And there’s absolutely no in between. How a protracted civil war hasn’t broken out up there is a goddamned mystery to us. But then again, Rickey finds that people dwelling in regions outside the Tri-State Area are generally nicer, as a rule.

ECONOMY: New Hampshire boasts a sleek, modern, and highly competitive economy consisting of maple syrup and cheese exports, wool sales, and the ski industry. Also, we’re pretty sure their automobiles are coal powered.

NOTABLE FEATURES: The Old Man In the Mountain (pictured below). Sadly, this natural rock formation collapsed several years ago. Rickey suspects that marauding Vermonters were somehow behind this. Seriously though, we wouldn't be surprised if the collapse of the Old Man In The Mountain was successfully used as a justification to boost New Hampshire's anti-terrorism funding.

CULTURE: Are you into the hiking/camping scene? Do you consider vast & untamed expanses of nature to be cathedrals to man? If so, then you’ll love it up there (behind Maine, New Hampshire is America’s second most forested state). If not, well then, you’re pretty much looking at a Jack Nicholson in “The Shining” scenario after day 3 of your stay in the Granite State. Have fun with that.

DRESS: Think casual. And by “casual” we mean sporting camouflage, multiple layers of flannel, and a Boston Red Sox cap. And that’s considered job interview attire up there.

WEATHER: Balls cold in the winter and snowy as all hell. Rather than the commonplace foot, snowfall in New Hampshire is measured by the occurrence of Highway Department member suicides and institutionalizations. Summer, however, is rather pleasant!

FOOD: It’s your typical lumberjack fare consisting of flapjack houses and greasy spoons. In other words, great cuisine to help rebound from a hangover. Rather handy if you don’t plan on being sober much during your stay in NH (which you won’t).

WILDLIFE: Ever see a moose before? Well you will once one lumbers in front of your vehicle and proceeds to totally stare you down. They’re pretty much the result of a deer mating with a rhinoceros, and every bit as slow and dumb as you’d expect. Also, there’s bears up there too. Angry bears. And whatever you do, don't go anywhere near NH during the black fly season. Think mosquitos but a bajillion times worse on the itchyness scale. And then of course, there's always the timber rattlers to worry about... Indeed, New Hampshire's diverse wildlife warmly welcomes you!

EDUCATION SYSTEM: Er, piss fucking poor. We’re told that handbooks on gun cleaning are part of the 4th grade curriculum. There’s a reason Rickey only stayed there for the first few months of his life…

FAMOUS RESIDENTS: Famed recluse writer J.D. Salinger allegedly lives somewhere in New Hampshire. But then again, so do Cardinals pitcher Chris Carpenter and pop writer Dan Brown. So as far as famous residents go, it’s pretty much a wash.

You know who enjoys swigging pure New Hampshire maple syrup? The good folks over at Humor-Blogs, that’s who. Click, monkeys, click!

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17 comments:

mr. met said...

No mention of the lack of income tax and state sales tax?

Chris C said...

Cold? It is 57 right now :)

You are off on the politics. Most are centrist republicans or centrist democrats and a lot are independent. We don't have to pick a side here to vote. :)

As for the live free or die part, the nannyism has moved in here as well. It is funny though, all the moonbats that elected all the Dems here are pissed now that the government is starting to tell them what to do with their lives.

The Old Man dropped in 2003 by the way. Someone farted and the whole thing came down.

Figured I'd take the convo from smart and serious to juvenile humor.

Rickey Henderson said...

Mr Met: Good call--Rickey missed that. But in all fairness, Rickey, being neither a tax despising right winger nor accountant, really doesn't care all that much about the NH tax code.

Chris: Rickey stands proudly behind his broad sweeping generalization of the political makeup of NH voters. Also, it would be profoundly unwise to mistake anything said on this site for legitimate political discourse. Let's not stray too far from the fart jokes, ok?

Alex said...

Black Flies!

mr. met said...

I'm not a tax despiser either, but I am a firm believer in some good old fashioned Keynesian economics.

We need a some tax relief right now. A little economic stimulation never hurt anyone, right?

Smitty said...

I blame global warming for the disappearance of the Old Man in the Mountain.

George said...

As for moose, here's a great poem by Thomas Lux called "Wife Hits Moose"


Sometime around dusk moose lifts
his heavy, primordial jaw,dripping, from pondwater
and, without psychic struggle,
decides the day, for him, is done: time
to go somewhere else. Meanwhile, wife
drives one of those roads that cut straight north,
a highway dividing the forests

not yet fat enough for the paper companies.
This time of year full dark falls
about eight o'clock -- pineforest and blacktop
blend. Moose reaches road, fails
to look both ways, steps
deliberately, ponderously . . .Wife
hits moose, hard,

at slight angle (brakes slammed, car
spinning) and moose rolls over hood, antlers --
as if diamond-tipped -- scratch windshield, car
damaged: rib of moose imprint
on fender, hoof shatters headlight.
Annoyed moose lands on feet and walks away.
Wife is shaken, unhurt, amazed.

-- Does moose believe in a Supreme Intelligence?
Speaker does not know.
-- Does wife believe in a Supreme Intelligence?
Speaker assumes as much: spiritual intimacies
being between the spirit and the human.
Does speaker believe in a Supreme Intelligence?
Yes. Thank You.

Toasty Joe said...

The only thing I know about New Hapmshire is that it looks like Vermont upside-down.

Rickey Henderson said...

George: terrific poem

Toasty: it's essentially Vermont, but slighly less inbred.

MCConfrontation said...

There's no welfare in my home state either. Also, along with a few bald peaks of the Smokies, the only place you'll find treeline east of the Mississippi is in the White Mountains of New Hampshire. Also, no seat belt law. Also, along with Arizona, the last two states to ratify MLK day as a holiday. Also, the highest wind speed ever recorded on land by a human being was taken at the peak of Mt. Washington, 231 mph.

Rickey Henderson said...

Judging by a quick perusal of your blog, I'm going to take a stab in the dark and assume that being one of the last states to ratify Martin Luther King Day as a holiday is considered an admirable thing, correct mcconfrontation?

Props for listing Drudge, Malkin, Coulter, Hannity, and Savage in your blogroll. One can only assume those kind & down to earth souls have returned the favor on theirs?

Also mazel tov for pissing off George, which solidifies your massive assholitude in Rickey's book.

The WFAN link on your site does earn you mild credit in Rickey's book. Tell us: Mets or Yanks fan?

Toasty Joe said...

Rickey: I find that when someone lists Ann Coulter as one of "the good guys," there's really nowhere to go with the conversation.

MCConfrontation said...

no i never said that NH passing the MLK holiday last was a good thing. i was just listing fun new hampshire facts, and i always thought that to be an interesting one. dont you pull the racist card on me too!

George cant take me even being over there on his blog because he cant stand dissent. his only play was to pull the racist card on me because he has no other intelligent retort to my arguments. and i thought he was a nice guy. hes not.

print the book. im a massive asshole. but im a funny massive asshole. thats why i like ann. shes funny. plus she has an adams apple. thats funny.

im a yankee fan. from new hampshire. so yes im fucked up a little, but not that much.

i find your writing amusing so i hope you can look past my politics to give me a check every once in awhile as well.

MCConfrontation said...

oh and by the way, im pretty sure the real rickey spelled his name without an "e," am i right? plus he spoke about himself in the third person a whole lot more than you do, so you might want to employ that a bit more to keep up the shtick.

did you know ricky was born on christmas day?

does anybody know if ricky still plays for the newark bears?

Diesel said...

If you keep calling me a monkey, I'm only going to click on that link every other day from now on.

I mean it.

Pope Terry said...

Those dam vermonters, always ruining everything...

Rickey Henderson said...

mccontrontation, Rickey loves a little healthy dissent--just keep it respectful and we'll have no problems.

Oddly enough, Rickey is actually one of the only ones to spell his name with an 'e'. We know, we were confused at first as well (we spelled his name without one in the blogspot domain).

As far as his career goes, last we heard, Rickey was still the first base coach for the Mets. The Newark Bears stint ended a little while ago.