Today being Primary Day in New Hampshire, Rickey figured he’d devote a column to explaining the ins and outs of the Granite State for your enlightenment. You see, Rickey was born in New Hampshire (and occasionally enjoys vacationing there), and while he only spent the first few months of his life living there, he nonetheless feels a powerful bond with that state and its denizens. And since the New Hampshire Primary marks the first meaningful political contest of 2008 (suck it you corn crazy Iowans), we figure that now is the time for a brief summation of how things work up there in God’s own backyard. So let’s cast some light on some of this curious state’s more noteworthy aspects:
STATE MOTTO: “Live Free or Die.” Bar none, the best governmental slogan in the world.
STATE BIRD: The Purple Finch. Not the most fearsome of birds, (Rickey would’ve preferred some kind of raptor) but still, bonus points for being in the same genus as the Tufted Titmouse.
POLITICS: As far as the political makeup goes, New Hampshire consists of members of either the extreme left or the extreme right. And there’s absolutely no in between. How a protracted civil war hasn’t broken out up there is a goddamned mystery to us. But then again, Rickey finds that people dwelling in regions outside the Tri-State Area are generally nicer, as a rule.
ECONOMY: New Hampshire boasts a sleek, modern, and highly competitive economy consisting of maple syrup and cheese exports, wool sales, and the ski industry. Also, we’re pretty sure their automobiles are coal powered.
NOTABLE FEATURES: The Old Man In the Mountain (pictured below). Sadly, this natural rock formation collapsed several years ago. Rickey suspects that marauding Vermonters were somehow behind this. Seriously though, we wouldn't be surprised if the collapse of the Old Man In The Mountain was successfully used as a justification to boost New Hampshire's anti-terrorism funding.
CULTURE: Are you into the hiking/camping scene? Do you consider vast & untamed expanses of nature to be cathedrals to man? If so, then you’ll love it up there (behind Maine, New Hampshire is America’s second most forested state). If not, well then, you’re pretty much looking at a Jack Nicholson in “The Shining” scenario after day 3 of your stay in the Granite State. Have fun with that.
DRESS: Think casual. And by “casual” we mean sporting camouflage, multiple layers of flannel, and a Boston Red Sox cap. And that’s considered job interview attire up there.
WEATHER: Balls cold in the winter and snowy as all hell. Rather than the commonplace foot, snowfall in New Hampshire is measured by the occurrence of Highway Department member suicides and institutionalizations. Summer, however, is rather pleasant!
FOOD: It’s your typical lumberjack fare consisting of flapjack houses and greasy spoons. In other words, great cuisine to help rebound from a hangover. Rather handy if you don’t plan on being sober much during your stay in NH (which you won’t).
WILDLIFE: Ever see a moose before? Well you will once one lumbers in front of your vehicle and proceeds to totally stare you down. They’re pretty much the result of a deer mating with a rhinoceros, and every bit as slow and dumb as you’d expect. Also, there’s bears up there too. Angry bears. And whatever you do, don't go anywhere near NH during the black fly season. Think mosquitos but a bajillion times worse on the itchyness scale. And then of course, there's always the timber rattlers to worry about... Indeed, New Hampshire's diverse wildlife warmly welcomes you!
EDUCATION SYSTEM: Er, piss fucking poor. We’re told that handbooks on gun cleaning are part of the 4th grade curriculum. There’s a reason Rickey only stayed there for the first few months of his life…
FAMOUS RESIDENTS: Famed recluse writer J.D. Salinger allegedly lives somewhere in New Hampshire. But then again, so do Cardinals pitcher Chris Carpenter and pop writer Dan Brown. So as far as famous residents go, it’s pretty much a wash.
You know who enjoys swigging pure New Hampshire maple syrup? The good folks over at Humor-Blogs, that’s who. Click, monkeys, click!