Thursday, January 10, 2008

Your Weekly NFL Update: Rickey's Playoff Predictions

*A disclaimer: Rickey's record during the 2007 season was a stalwart 1-1, so for the love of God, please interpret these picks accordingly.

We’re sure that as far as NFL predictions go, seasoned professionals such as Bob Costas most likely possess more reliable records than Rickey. But then again, that Napoleonic prick Costas also enjoys pontificating smarmily on how Chad Johnson’s latest endzone celebration reminds him of a Busby Berkley production. So give Rickey’s picks a shot instead, will ya? Sure they rely more on “gut feelings” than “proven statistical evidence” but nonetheless, it’s better than listening to any of the 5 alarm jackasses at Fox Sports or HBO. All set? Ok, degenerate gamblers, here we go!

Giants 38
Cowboys 28

With Fredo Manning inexplicably playing at the highest level Rickey has ever seen, we’re suddenly confident that the Giants are capable of running train on Jessica Simpson and the entire population of Dallas. Meanwhile, in another part of town, Eagles fans are quietly rooting for a meteor to strike Cowboy Stadium on Sunday afternoon. Indeed, it should be a good game. The G-Men have gotten hot at just the right point and meanwhile, the whole “cowboy up” Texas shtick is running on fumes. Also, Rickey recommends a moratorium on the rampant speculation over whether or not Jessica Simpson will show up to support her boyfriend Tony Romo at the game. We could give a flying fuck about all that. We feel that the real story is whether or not Eli Manning’s mommy shows up to support her son.

Seahawks 27
Packers 10

All season, Rickey has wondered if Old Balls Farve’s star would ever stop rising. It pains us to say it, but this weekend, the end is nigh. Look for the Hawks defense to put the heat on him, causing turnovers galore. Sure, the Packers have been Jesus of Nazareth’s team during the 2007 season, but Rickey’s predicting a return to form as QB Lazarus on more than one occasion says to himself, “fuck it, I’m Brett Farve, I’m a gunslinger: let’s try lobbing another long bomb into triple coverage.” Also, for those looking to place a side bet, Rickey also puts the odds of Mike Francessa mispronouncing Mike Holmgren’s name multiple times this week on his Sunday WFAN broadcast at 10 to 1. Can’t do that Mikey, ya just can’t do that...

Patriots 27
Jacksonville 24

(In overtime). Look, Rickey figured he needed a wacky pick, so here you go—this is going to be a much closer game than you suspect. When all the other sportscasters zig, Rickey likes to zag. And while we’re talking about the Pats, Rickey would like to call to your attention the eerie similarity between the old school Patriots logo and Willem Defoe.

Even odder is the fact that the Pat Patriot mascot is in the same exact pose as Defoe’s Green Goblin character in Spiderman.” Coincidence? Rickey thinks not. Now if only Tom Brady would start lobbing exploding pumpkin bombs to Randy Moss…

Colts 34

Chargers 9

Is it just Rickey or are the Colts the least talked about Super Bowl champions in NFL history? As far as we can tell, they’re at least as good as last season, yet virtually no one talks about them. If Rickey was Peyton Manning, this would make him mad. Mad enough to completely trounce the Chargers this weekend. And those Chargers? LT aside, they’re aaaaaaa… they’re not good.

And there you have it. Please note that Rickey operates primarily on hunches and guesswork, which is a big reason why he’s only wagered on the NFL once in his life (while in Vegas, on the Patriots/Cowboys game). For those is search of further merriment, we’re told that Cletus, the dancing FOX NFL robot, dwells at Humor-Blogs.com.

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9 comments:

MCConfrontation said...

The utter dominance of the Patriots over everyone this year is the eclipsing factor over the defending champs' lack of pub. Not only did the Pats run the table, they took out the defending champs along the way. Add to that the MVP and Coach of the Year awards and the Patriots SHOULD be the only team anyone's talking about.

I do an annual playoff football pool with three other guys where we set a draft order and pick three teams each. I traded all of my picks PLUS the entry fee to the guy who won the lottery and got the first pick so I could take the Pats. 19-0 baby, 19-0.

Chris C said...

I'll be posting my picks and predictions late-night tonight. Do you want me to include your picks like I'm doing with Frogster?

Rickey Henderson said...

Sure, why not? Rickey always enjoys a little linkage.

Toasty Joe said...

"William" Dafoe? Isn't he the one who starred in the Spiderman movies with "Kristen" Dunst?

the frogster said...

I've got you linked to also, Rickey, which, I'm sorry to say, will bring even more people to your blog to see your Seattle pick.

Yeah, no one talks about the Colts, though I think if they had beaten New England earlier in the year that would have changed everything.

Enjoy the games.

Deb said...

I have to be honest and admit my eyes glazed over when I saw the word "football" and your entire post became unreadable. It made me very sad. I'm sure it was full of sparkling banter as usual.

Rickey Henderson said...

Toasty: noted and corrected. Thanks for staying on the ball--we take spelling very seriously here.

Frogster: Rickey's had it with the constant fawning over Favre all season. So he went with that Seattle pick primarily out of anger.

Deb: ...but if omnisexual news anchor Anderson Cooper were playing football, we'd have your undivided attention, right?

Chris C said...

My picks are up and I've setup your score so far to work with missing the first week as well as your 1-1 record.

Frogster suggested some kind of wager. You want in?

Rickey Henderson said...

sure, what exactly are we wagering? All Rickey has on hand is some pocket lint and a bottle opener...