Wednesday, January 30, 2008

You Must Admit, You Brought This On Yourselves

Much to our amusement, the good folks at Armchair GM have released their TECMO Bowl simulation of this Sunday’s big game. But that’s not nearly whimsical enough for a dreary Wednesday, now is it? No sir, it is not. You folks are in need some hard hitting sports journalism and are probably wondering: Rickey, where’s your in-depth coverage of the upcoming Puppy Bowl IV? Valid question friend, we’re glad you asked.

For those not in the know, the Puppy Bowl is a special that Animal Planet has been running during the Superbowl for the past three years and we’ll be damned if it’s not cutest thing you’ll ever witness on television. It’s essentially television counterprogramming: something to placate the legions of men & women who, curiously enough, aren’t all that enthralled with the idea of watching athletic monstrosities in tight pants brutalize each other during this year's Superbowl. And in the breathless 24-hour ESPN news cycle, can you really blame them? To be completely honest, from a football fan like Rickey’s perspective, this Puppy Bowl thing is a whole helluva lot more entertaining than the actual Superbowl will ever be.

See, unlike say, Cute Overload, a website which nearly gives Rickey a full blown diabetic attack every time he visits it, this Puppy Bowl thing doesn’t reach for the cheap “awwwww.” You’ll find no airbrushed photos of doe eyed bunnies in clover fields here, no sir—this is the real deal. Authentic! It’s simply a video of puppies frolicking on a miniature football field. And Rickey’s seriously considering live blogging it. Or at the very least placing some kind of wager on the over/under of “number of mindbogglingly adorable cocking-of-the-head incidents” (hello, blossoming gambling problem!)

But don’t take our word for it, let’s go to the video. Since the heartless bastards at Animal Planet won’t let Rickey embed their videos on this site, you have to do the following:

1) Go here.
2) Look on the side panel, scroll down to the bottom and select the “Puff Balls Gang Up” clip (it’s the best of the bunch).
3) Achieve a state of inner serenity by watching puppies scamper around.

We don’t care who you are, that’s some genuinely heart warming stuff. It’s no exaggeration to pontificate that it Hitler had been presented with one of these puppies, he’d probably have struck with the painting gig rather than yelling about lebensraum in beer halls.

*For those of you just joining us, yes, Rickey just suggested that the Holocaust could have been prevented by gifting a puppy. Tune in tomorrow as Rickey explains how The Ottoman War could have been avoided with a hamster exchange!

Anyhow, those three Samoyed siblings are pure dynamite—real bruisers and super fucking cute to boot. Watch carefully at the 2:00 mark of the video for what Rickey will henceforth refer to as the “Samoyed Power Slam of Ultimate Destruction.” Speaking as someone who’s grown up with Samoyeds as pets, Rickey can tell you that yes, they’re absolutely adorable as puppies, but once they hit the 70 pound mark, things become just a bit more complicated. You know how people don’t buy white cars because they get dirty too easily? Well Samoyeds are pretty much the dog version of that school of thought. But hey, if you’ve ever wanted to own a playful dog that’s 50% wolf, 50% polar bear, and 100% percent awesome, them Sammys are for you.

Last year, Bomber, one the Samoyeds, won MVP. But here’s the rub: looking at the starting lineup for PB IV, no Samoyeds are listed, and Rickey takes serious issue with that. How do you not bring another Samoyed back this year? That’s like watching an AFC Championship without the Colts! Pure Insanity! Rickey will be watching Puppy Bowl IV again this year, but only under protest.

Humor has gone to the dogs over at Humor-Blogs. (Oh sweet Christ, did Rickey really just type that? Shoot Rickey now...)

Stumble Upon Toolbar


mr. met said...

For those not in the know, the Puppy Bowl is a special that Animal Planet has been running during the Superbowl for the past three years and we’ll be damned if it’s not cutest thing you’ll ever witness on television.

I'm in the know. I love how the puppies are continually relieving themselves on the playing field. When is the last time you saw that in football?

I am a believer in the puppy bowl and will be tuning into it briefly again this year.

Chris C said...

"That’s like watching an AFC Championship without the Colts!"

You mean it's like watching the AFC championship every year? waka waka

Chris C said...

Hey I was wondering why your blog banner has a drawing of Fred McGriff in it.

Rickey Henderson said...

It does? Looks more like generic moustached man to Rickey. We'll have to take it up with the banner's creator...

maybe i can help... said...

Actually I got the picture of the mustaccioed man from here

I agree that it does not look too much like Rickey, but who am I to argue with the Knoxville News Sentinel?

Anonymous said...

Had an American Eskimo growing up...similar to a Samoyed but smaller, mine maxed out at 15 lbs. Very gritty (not to mention adoreable!) dogs who go all out but small paws gave us a lot of fumbling problems.

Toasty Joe said...

I have been obsessed with the Puppy Bowl for the past two Super Bowls. The best part is when a puppy has an "accident" on the playing field, and a ref throws a flag.

Smitty said...

Sorry to disappoint, Rickey. Smitty has never seen the puppy bowl. Smitty's friends may disown him if he tries to watch it.

Rickey Henderson said...

Wow that's actually intended to be Rickey? That's hilarious--great find there. The Knoxville News Sentinel needs a new cartoonist.

Toasty: those refs have pretty thankless jobs. Rickey's favorite part of the broadcast would have to be the "bowl cam." Eat your heard out, FOX baseball diamond cam!

Smitty: Give it a shot. Or if you're feeling timid, maybe just have Mrs. Smitty live blog it for you and toss it up later?

Smitty said...

just have Mrs. Smitty live blog it for you

Mrs. Smitty is a sports fiend. She taught me everything I know about baseball and basketball. Mrs. Smitty is awesome that way.

Toasty Joe said...

I'd argue that drawing looks like the illegitimate child of Eddie Murray and Billy Dee Williams.

Rickey Henderson said...

Good call. More hispanic than black Rickey would say. Also, there's kind of a pedarest vibe going on there as well, which only sweetens the deal.

Don Lewis said...

I've seen that guy on the wall of my post office.

As for the adorable doggies, my line would be pit bulls. Talk about Animal Planet!

BobG said...

Thanks for making my wife go into convulsions of joy at the sight of those puppies.