Thursday, January 3, 2008

PRIMARY DAY IN THE HAWKEYE STATE: In Which Rickey Addresses America’s Corn-Crazy Electoral Overlords

Its primary day in Iowa: a day which, if the bevy of breathless political pundits is to be believed, is kind of a big deal. So if you’re living in the Hawkeye State and you’re reading this, beware the charms and tasty bass licks of Mike Huckabee. Indeed, he seems rather pleasant and helpful, right? Perhaps he reminds you of your next door neighbor or maybe even that cute GEICO Gecko? Honestly now, how could anyone not fall for the GOP version of Jimmy Carter?

Easily, Rickey says. Because underneath that veneer of bland affability lies something rather insidious: unlike his posturing GOP competitors, Huckabee is actually a legitimate religious fundamentalist. And he’s the part of the current alarming trend in U.S. Politics that values public declarations of religious faith over a working knowledge of domestic and international affairs. Can’t find Syria on a map? No worries, just have yourself photographed entering and leaving as many places of worship as possible while on the campaign trail and you’re a shoe in for president.

In short, Huckabee kind of reminds us of Greg Stillson from “The Dead Zone.” You know: “The missiles are flying! Hallelujah, Hallelujah!”

Yeah, him. Maybe Rickey’s naive, but isn't this the Twenty-First Century? Isn't it high time we elected our first 21st Century president who believes in evolution and the separation of church and state? Look, we enjoy living in a predominantly decadent, conservative, borderline medieval nation as much as the next person, but voting in another fire and brimstone candidate completely scares the bejesus out of Rickey. And it should scare you too.

Honestly, if Rickey were an Iowan, he’d be caucusing for Dennis Kucinich tonight. He’s the voice (granted the pixiesque one) of genuine antiwar liberalism. And despite being an apparent Roswell escapee and outright moonbat, he’s got Rickey’s endorsement to hold the highest office in the land. Call us nuts, but we kind of value authenticity here at RwR

And even if you don't enjoy the delightful possibility of the nation being led by a man whose favorite movie is "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" doesn't tickle your fancy, today is still a day to sit back, relax, and watch the reports of voter fraud in Iowa trickle in. See, from time to time, Rickey enjoys embracing the madness. (To a point). Seriously, watch out for Huckabee you backwards Iowan troglodytes.

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Smitty said...

Right on. Almost nothing has bothered me more than clearly unqualified quasi-reigious zealots getting elected to office or running on the God platform as if, somehow, having a deeply committed religious aspect is going to allow you to make all the right decision regardless of your actual experience.

It scares the shit out of Smitty too.

Harris said...

Didn't know Ricky was so political...

I heard they keep Huckabee's wife under wraps, not only cause she's REALLY Christian, but also looks like she's 30 years older than him.

though that may be Mitt Ronmey's wife...I dunno...I dont follow this stuff

rock on,


Rickey Henderson said...

From time to time, Rickey will emerge from his primordial gopher hole during the 2008 election season to give his throughts on things that irk him. And there are many. We just bottle 'em up because, frankly, the whole tragicomedy political schtick doesn't make for great blogging.

Fletch said...

Isn't it high time we elected our first 21st Century president who believes in evolution and the separation of church and state?

Good god, I agree with you. But I'm also fully aware that such a thing will most likely never happen in my lifetime (if ever). If anything, we're moving in the other direction now, just waiting and setting it all up for the eventual Holy War to end all Holy Wars. At least the lights will be pretty.

Chris C said...

Everyone bitches about religion and government but yet we must want both institutions because we have always had them.

What do you expect from a populace in which only 47% believe in evolution?

What I don't get is who determined a caucus is a smart way to vote. Seems like an advanced version of musical chairs.