Lately we’ve noticed a slight uptick in web traffic coming to this site—primarily in the form of scores of chipper soccer moms and hausfraus. And with this influx of new visitors comes the increasing chance that not everyone will appreciate or enjoy the particular brand of humor we’re selling here. Naturally, this is completely unacceptable. So when healthy dissent rears its ugly head in the form of some less than stellar reviews for this site, Rickey feels the need to speak up just a little bit louder and more belligerently than usual. Indeed, our intent is to put the whole system on trial here. Normally we’d get an ombudsman to do this sort of thing, but since ours is apparently on permanent vacation Rickey’s just going to have to handle this crisis himself. Anyhow, here’s what some of the reviewers said that shattered Rickey’s tenuous calm:
“Despite my concern he has a mental disorder I like the blog.”
…..annnnnnnnnd that’s actually the best review we received. We just might put that up under the banner. It all does downhill from there.
“Maybe it's just not my style of humor because I felt like I just didn't get it. I did like his use of photographs, though.”
Ooh, you like pretty pictures? Gosh, Rickey sure hopes you dig all the Robert Mapplethorpe photos he’s planning on emailing you! Don’t worry: we’ll leave out the ones of the flowers!
“I don't think this blog is meant to be funny. It has a lot of serious stuff in it.”
Awww, did all our nonexistent talk about String Theory break your brain? Sorry if our musings on weighty issues such as Tort reform and the socioeconomic ramifications of the Bretton Woods Conference are taking up valuable real estate that would be better occupied by a picture of two lolcats tilling a soybean field. We’ll get right on that one bozo.
“So I started thinking, "this guy has promise." But overall, I dont' think I'd go back just because it took me awhile to get into it.”
So I says to Mabel, I says… you won’t be returning here see how things turn out? Toodle-o then cupcake. Rickey’s got a trained chimp hitting F5 every seven minutes to make up for your notable absence on this site. We’ll be just fine.
“The posts are too long, didn’t even smile once. One of my personal pet peeves is when people refer to themselves in the third person and do so throughout the post. Like nails on chalkboard for me.”
Not a big fan of Rickey’s run-on sentences? No worries, Rickey makes tons of declarative three word statements as well! Like snow falling on cedars for illiterate Faulknerian man-child!
“I couldn't surf away from this blog fast enough. Sports, Politics, ACH. And yes, both of those topics could be funny? But in reality, are only funny if Jon Stewart is talking.”
Congratulations anonymous internet jackass, you’ve found a way to make Rickey dislike John Stewart! Seriously, the only way politics is funny to you is if John Stewart is making a goofy face while reporting on the news? You can’t laugh at the sheer lunacy of American politics without a jester prodding you? Are you fucking kidding us? Where’s your goddamned imagination? Focus panels consisting of troglodytes like yourself are precisely the reason why bland sitcoms like “The King of Queens” have run for nine mindbogglingly awful seasons.
Alright, so Rickey had to get that all out. And now that we’ve vented, let’s address the apparent problem here: none of you fuckheads have any sense of humor whatsoever. Ahhhhh, we kid, we kid. No, the problem is that the newcomer who stumbles upon this site simply has no idea what’s going on here. There are a whole lot of issues at play here and frankly, you need to be up to speed on them all. We were going to call this educational outreach program the “Raising Rickey Recognition Week,” but someone was whining about our excessive use of alliteration in the reviews. Therefore, we’re dubbing it “Raising Rickey Awareness Week” instead in hopes of placating those with an inexplicable hatred for lyrical prose. So come with us as Rickey explains the inner workings of this blog, because really, we all need to be doing more to raise Rickey awareness.
First off, we understand that not everyone is a baseball fan. (In fact, an acquaintance of Rickey’s once remarked, “Look, the Mets’ new first base coach has the same name as the one on your blog! How weird is that?”). And we understand that an educated reader is the best variety of reader. So for those of you completely unfamiliar with the living legend that is Rickey Henderson, some of his choicest quotes and remarks have been compiled here and here. And his wiki page is here. No longer can you claim ignorance about the lunatic whose identity we’re brazenly pilfering, and no longer will such ignorance be tolerated.
And now let’s explain The Rules that govern this site, which are similar to those in “Scream,” only without David Arquette’s loathsome presence:
1) Rickey speaks entirely in the third person with the following exceptions:
- When employing the editorial voice (this is used to mitigate the annoying repeated use of the third person voice).
- When recounting or quoting conversations Rickey has previously had (this is done to convince the reader that Rickey is not quite insane enough
yet to speak in the third person in real life).
- When writing a witty tag for the bottom of the article.
2) Rickey doesn’t go out of his way for the cheap joke. We like to maintain some modicum of dignity while ranting and raving to anonymous strangers. If we just happen to stumble upon something that makes you chuckle a bit, then hey, all the better. But as a rule, we don’t reach.
3) Finally, and most importantly, Rickey subscribes to the belief that good comedy emerges from a well of unfathomably deep rage. If depression is anger turned inwards, then comedy is anger turned outwards. And as far as anger is concerned, “better out than in,” Rickey always says. You simply cannot be funny without tapping into that primal emotion.
And that’s it as far as the rules/guidelines go. Everyone up to speed now? Good. And please, only a few clicks a day on Humor-Blogs can circumvent the need for meta & self reflective posts like this to occur in the first place. Won’t someone please think of Rickey’s ego?