Tuesday, January 29, 2008

The Airing Of Grievances: In Which Rickey Reviews the Reviewers

Lately we’ve noticed a slight uptick in web traffic coming to this site—primarily in the form of scores of chipper soccer moms and hausfraus. And with this influx of new visitors comes the increasing chance that not everyone will appreciate or enjoy the particular brand of humor we’re selling here. Naturally, this is completely unacceptable. So when healthy dissent rears its ugly head in the form of some less than stellar reviews for this site, Rickey feels the need to speak up just a little bit louder and more belligerently than usual. Indeed, our intent is to put the whole system on trial here. Normally we’d get an ombudsman to do this sort of thing, but since ours is apparently on permanent vacation Rickey’s just going to have to handle this crisis himself. Anyhow, here’s what some of the reviewers said that shattered Rickey’s tenuous calm:

“Despite my concern he has a mental disorder I like the blog.”

…..annnnnnnnnd that’s actually the best review we received. We just might put that up under the banner. It all does downhill from there.

“Maybe it's just not my style of humor because I felt like I just didn't get it. I did like his use of photographs, though.”

Ooh, you like pretty pictures? Gosh, Rickey sure hopes you dig all the Robert Mapplethorpe photos he’s planning on emailing you! Don’t worry: we’ll leave out the ones of the flowers!

“I don't think this blog is meant to be funny. It has a lot of serious stuff in it.”

Awww, did all our nonexistent talk about String Theory break your brain? Sorry if our musings on weighty issues such as Tort reform and the socioeconomic ramifications of the Bretton Woods Conference are taking up valuable real estate that would be better occupied by a picture of two lolcats tilling a soybean field. We’ll get right on that one bozo.

“So I started thinking, "this guy has promise." But overall, I dont' think I'd go back just because it took me awhile to get into it.”

So I says to Mabel, I says… you won’t be returning here see how things turn out? Toodle-o then cupcake. Rickey’s got a trained chimp hitting F5 every seven minutes to make up for your notable absence on this site. We’ll be just fine.

“The posts are too long, didn’t even smile once. One of my personal pet peeves is when people refer to themselves in the third person and do so throughout the post. Like nails on chalkboard for me.”

Not a big fan of Rickey’s run-on sentences? No worries, Rickey makes tons of declarative three word statements as well! Like snow falling on cedars for illiterate Faulknerian man-child!

“I couldn't surf away from this blog fast enough. Sports, Politics, ACH. And yes, both of those topics could be funny? But in reality, are only funny if Jon Stewart is talking.”

Congratulations anonymous internet jackass, you’ve found a way to make Rickey dislike John Stewart! Seriously, the only way politics is funny to you is if John Stewart is making a goofy face while reporting on the news? You can’t laugh at the sheer lunacy of American politics without a jester prodding you? Are you fucking kidding us? Where’s your goddamned imagination? Focus panels consisting of troglodytes like yourself are precisely the reason why bland sitcoms like “The King of Queens” have run for nine mindbogglingly awful seasons.

Alright, so Rickey had to get that all out. And now that we’ve vented, let’s address the apparent problem here: none of you fuckheads have any sense of humor whatsoever. Ahhhhh, we kid, we kid. No, the problem is that the newcomer who stumbles upon this site simply has no idea what’s going on here. There are a whole lot of issues at play here and frankly, you need to be up to speed on them all. We were going to call this educational outreach program the “Raising Rickey Recognition Week,” but someone was whining about our excessive use of alliteration in the reviews. Therefore, we’re dubbing it “Raising Rickey Awareness Week” instead in hopes of placating those with an inexplicable hatred for lyrical prose. So come with us as Rickey explains the inner workings of this blog, because really, we all need to be doing more to raise Rickey awareness.

First off, we understand that not everyone is a baseball fan. (In fact, an acquaintance of Rickey’s once remarked, “Look, the Mets’ new first base coach has the same name as the one on your blog! How weird is that?”). And we understand that an educated reader is the best variety of reader. So for those of you completely unfamiliar with the living legend that is Rickey Henderson, some of his choicest quotes and remarks have been compiled here and here. And his wiki page is here. No longer can you claim ignorance about the lunatic whose identity we’re brazenly pilfering, and no longer will such ignorance be tolerated.

And now let’s explain The Rules that govern this site, which are similar to those in “Scream,” only without David Arquette’s loathsome presence:

1) Rickey speaks entirely in the third person with the following exceptions:

  • When employing the editorial voice (this is used to mitigate the annoying repeated use of the third person voice).
  • When recounting or quoting conversations Rickey has previously had (this is done to convince the reader that Rickey is not quite insane enough
    yet to speak in the third person in real life).
  • When writing a witty tag for the bottom of the article.

2) Rickey doesn’t go out of his way for the cheap joke. We like to maintain some modicum of dignity while ranting and raving to anonymous strangers. If we just happen to stumble upon something that makes you chuckle a bit, then hey, all the better. But as a rule, we don’t reach.

3) Finally, and most importantly, Rickey subscribes to the belief that good comedy emerges from a well of unfathomably deep rage. If depression is anger turned inwards, then comedy is anger turned outwards. And as far as anger is concerned, “better out than in,” Rickey always says. You simply cannot be funny without tapping into that primal emotion.

And that’s it as far as the rules/guidelines go. Everyone up to speed now? Good. And please, only a few clicks a day on Humor-Blogs can circumvent the need for meta & self reflective posts like this to occur in the first place. Won’t someone please think of Rickey’s ego?

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Mark said...

I'm thinking about your ego. And somewhat worried about the rage. Don't let the turkeys get you down. M.

Smitty said...

I do not joke when I say this: Mrs. Smitty reads your blog more than mine. And I'm her husband. Mrs. Smitty likes your blog, and is in her words addicted to it. She reads it daily.

Tomorrow, Smitty will make an appeal on his blog to send all of his contributors over to your site. I'll also make the appeal to hit humorblogs. Today we have a "very serious" state of the union blog going.

Rickey Henderson said...

Mark: fret not, Rickey just gets a little miffed from time to time and vents rather bombastically. It's a seasonal January/February sort of thing. Seems like everyone out there (including Rickey) is either sick, tired, cold, in need of a vacation, or all of the above.

Smitty: no worries dude, Rickey just needed something to rant about. This really isn't even an issue at all...

Rickey Henderson said...

Also, for the record, this article is intended to be very tongue in cheek. (With a dash of catharsis on the side).

Smitty said...

Not worried at all Rickey. I just want to do my part to promote your blog and expad your readership. I see that this post is tongue in cheek to go along with a group of reviewers at a site that either collectively don't get it or are being equally tongue in cheek.

Rickey Henderson said...

Alrighty then, by all means, go nuts. Strength in numbers and whatnot.

Chris C said...

I got called the 'Kirsten Dunst of humor blogs'. Beat that one bucko. :P

Alex said...

RwR is the Frank Stallone of blogs. (just kidding)

Egan Foote said...

Rickey, I wold say you are the Egan Foote of blogs.

Egan, out!

Joel B. said...

I've never worried much about NOT doing reviews. This is the first time I'm pizzed at myself for not reviewing RwR (I actually just kept putting it off til finally the review was posted...oops).

Anyhow, suffice to say I would have given much higher scores. And better comments.

Your only downfall would have been ignoring the small amount of time Rickey spent on the Blue Jays.

Rickey Henderson said...

Chris/Alex/Egan: Many thanks for the high praise. Rickey would've settled for being the David Caruso of blogs.

Joel: Rickey's played on too many teams to remember ever single one. Rickey's career spans from the Oakland A's to the Newark Bears. In fact, right now, Rickey's playing on your son's t-ball team.

the frogster said...

Well, you know how I felt about most of the reviews, so I won't recount that here, but I'm glad that you don't take the whole process too seriously. Well done.

mr. met said...

Fuck humor-blogs.com and it's constituency of soccer moms!

Johan's a Met!

Rickey Henderson said...

Indeed he fucking is buddy. Rickey's freaking ecstatic right now. But don't get too comfortable--Livian Hernandez is still available...

renalfailure said...

I'd like to be able to commiserate with Rickey, but I got a good review score. But my good friend Tag Larkin thinks you should have fared better.

I think Rickey needs to be more Rickey than Rickey already is, if that's even possible. You keep standing naked in front of that full length mirror and saying "Rickey's the best" without apology.

leigh said...

leigh is very happy you cleared all this up. whew! i had no idea what i was in for when i signed up to review blogs. thanks for the back story. p.s. my husband helped me. he's good that way.

Pope Terry said...

Anger is the key to life, both you and I realise that. And even with Alliteration your one of the funniest bloggers humorblogs.

Trouble said...

I actually think that this is your funniest post. Ever. Perhaps anger is inspirational for you. If that's the case, then do whatever you need to do to tap into it again.

Mrs. Smitty said...

Smitty is right, I read his blog, and then click over to yours. Oh and I take offense to the one reviewer who said the "female persuasion" doesn't know who Rickey Henderson is. Damn girly girls, SI comes to the house in Mrs. Smitty's name. Blog on Rickey, it's great!

AmyV said...

Oh, Rickey, your blog's so fine
Your blog's so fine it blows my mind
Hey Rickey!

Can you tell I grew up in the '80s?

But seriously. Joke 'em if they can't take a fuck. Or something like that.

Diesel said...

Sorry I missed your review of the reviewers, Rickey. Actually rather classy, for you. :)

jeremy said...

::Rickey’s got a trained chimp hitting F5 every seven minutes to make up for your notable absence on this site. We’ll be just fine.::

that is the funniest shit i've heard all day.