Bad news for Volvo enthusiasts everywhere: Rickey has relegated his 1991 Volvo 740GL to the great scrap yard in the sky. Indeed, as we speak, Odin and the other Norse Gods of War are taking Rickey’s former Volvo for a spin around the celestial block. Sorry Toasty Joe, Rickey has hopped off the Volvo bandwagon. Best of luck with your new Germanic chariot (which Rickey highly suspects was paid for with funds gained from a recent settlement with the Subway corporation).
Anyhow, having driven the car for 5 years until the odometer read 200,000+ miles, we feel that it was time for Rickey to move on to his next automotive love. While this decision was by no means made lightly, Rickey feels that it was indeed the proper one. If any of you newbies are wondering what exactly this monstrous car looked like, take a peek at the picture below (hint: it’s the vehicle that’s still standing upright).
Indeed, fortunately for you, the reader, it is probably thanks to this behemoth’s hefty weight that Rickey is still alive today. (Details on the event can be found hither). So Rickey is a little emotional about parting with it. But in the end, it was the Volvo’s auditory protestations that caused Rickey to cast it aside. As a rule, rectangular cars made from cast iron tend to be a little loud. Indeed, the aging automobile made an awful lot of sounds and noises, some of which Rickey will now share with you. Playing the role of “The Volvo” this evening will be Ms. Henderson’s German grandmother, Oma.
[Rickey steps on the accelerator] “Ach! Schnell? You want to schnell? Very well, I vill do this, but it is going to make people outside look at you funny. I’m built for practicality, not speed you know.”
[Rickey steps on the brakes] “Mmm, that’s nice. I veigh one metric ton. You are going to feel this.”
[Rickey reaches to hand crank his sunroof open] “Ya, dat is jammed. I just vanted you to know that.”
[Rickey makes a right turn] “Ach, what zee crap is this? I enjoy left turns only —could you just make three of those? No? Vell okey dokey, well here we go. By zee way, it is August and you are still driving on snow tires. Das is verboten you dummkopf.”
[Rickey reaches to adjust his seat at a stop light] “Ach, Lebensraum? You vant lebensraum? Do you not know what happened last time someone who owned German property desired dat? Fine, move the seat back to stretch your legs a vee bit, but do not complain to me when Tom Cruise and Bryan Singer arrive in your back yard to make a movie 60 years from now.”
Rickey never made it to Germany, so that may read more like French. Or possibly Count Chocula. Look, we tried goddamnit. Anyway, Rickey ditched the Volvo and decided to purchase something of equally proud Nordic descent: a Saab 9-3. It’s nice to finally drive a car that boasts things like cup holders, airbags, power steering, etc. And we’re pleased to report that it’s totally awesome. How awesome? Well they don’t manufacture the hatchback model Rickey owns anymore so we’re going to say very awesome. Screw the naysayers at GM—you idiots don’t know what trunk space is until you’ve fit enough food to feed Marlon Brando for a month into your vehicle.
True to all other Saab models, its design and handling are aircraft inspired, the ignition is located on the floor, the fuel gauge reads ‘F’ and ‘R,' and it drives like a freaking revelation. We’re still unsure as to what a variety of buttons on this Swedish mountain car’s instrumentation panel actually do, but once we figure out those nagging details, we’ll be sure to share them with you. So far Rickey’s favorite feature would have to be “Night Mode,” which shuts down all the lights in the vehicle except for the exterior lights and speedometer. There is nothing quite as exhilarating and hitting this stealth mode button at night and punching the gas. And best of all, it brings Rickey on step closer to his lifelong dream of being Batman.
Moreover, thanks to a driving a more fuel efficient vehicle, Rickey has made great strides in his quest to reduce his carbon footprint. (We tried trading fuel emissions with Rickey’s next door neighbor, but for some reason the guy wouldn’t listen). Congratulations, well wishes, and remarks of “please don’t crack the fucking engine block on this one like you did when you were 16” can be left in the comments section below.