Monday, November 19, 2007

Rickey's Obligatory New Car Post

Bad news for Volvo enthusiasts everywhere: Rickey has relegated his 1991 Volvo 740GL to the great scrap yard in the sky. Indeed, as we speak, Odin and the other Norse Gods of War are taking Rickey’s former Volvo for a spin around the celestial block. Sorry Toasty Joe, Rickey has hopped off the Volvo bandwagon. Best of luck with your new Germanic chariot (which Rickey highly suspects was paid for with funds gained from a recent settlement with the Subway corporation).

Anyhow, having driven the car for 5 years until the odometer read 200,000+ miles, we feel that it was time for Rickey to move on to his next automotive love. While this decision was by no means made lightly, Rickey feels that it was indeed the proper one. If any of you newbies are wondering what exactly this monstrous car looked like, take a peek at the picture below (hint: it’s the vehicle that’s still standing upright).

Indeed, fortunately for you, the reader, it is probably thanks to this behemoth’s hefty weight that Rickey is still alive today. (Details on the event can be found hither). So Rickey is a little emotional about parting with it. But in the end, it was the Volvo’s auditory protestations that caused Rickey to cast it aside. As a rule, rectangular cars made from cast iron tend to be a little loud. Indeed, the aging automobile made an awful lot of sounds and noises, some of which Rickey will now share with you. Playing the role of “The Volvo” this evening will be Ms. Henderson’s German grandmother, Oma.

[Rickey steps on the accelerator] “Ach! Schnell? You want to schnell? Very well, I vill do this, but it is going to make people outside look at you funny. I’m built for practicality, not speed you know.”

[Rickey steps on the brakes] “Mmm, that’s nice. I veigh one metric ton. You are going to feel this.”

[Rickey reaches to hand crank his sunroof open] “Ya, dat is jammed. I just vanted you to know that.”

[Rickey makes a right turn] “Ach, what zee crap is this? I enjoy left turns only —could you just make three of those? No? Vell okey dokey, well here we go. By zee way, it is August and you are still driving on snow tires. Das is verboten you dummkopf.”

[Rickey reaches to adjust his seat at a stop light] “Ach, Lebensraum? You vant lebensraum? Do you not know what happened last time someone who owned German property desired dat? Fine, move the seat back to stretch your legs a vee bit, but do not complain to me when Tom Cruise and Bryan Singer arrive in your back yard to make a movie 60 years from now.”

Rickey never made it to Germany, so that may read more like French. Or possibly Count Chocula. Look, we tried goddamnit. Anyway, Rickey ditched the Volvo and decided to purchase something of equally proud Nordic descent: a Saab 9-3. It’s nice to finally drive a car that boasts things like cup holders, airbags, power steering, etc. And we’re pleased to report that it’s totally awesome. How awesome? Well they don’t manufacture the hatchback model Rickey owns anymore so we’re going to say very awesome. Screw the naysayers at GM—you idiots don’t know what trunk space is until you’ve fit enough food to feed Marlon Brando for a month into your vehicle.

True to all other Saab models, its design and handling are aircraft inspired, the ignition is located on the floor, the fuel gauge reads ‘F’ and ‘R,' and it drives like a freaking revelation. We’re still unsure as to what a variety of buttons on this Swedish mountain car’s instrumentation panel actually do, but once we figure out those nagging details, we’ll be sure to share them with you. So far Rickey’s favorite feature would have to be “Night Mode,” which shuts down all the lights in the vehicle except for the exterior lights and speedometer. There is nothing quite as exhilarating and hitting this stealth mode button at night and punching the gas. And best of all, it brings Rickey on step closer to his lifelong dream of being Batman.

Moreover, thanks to a driving a more fuel efficient vehicle, Rickey has made great strides in his quest to reduce his carbon footprint. (We tried trading fuel emissions with Rickey’s next door neighbor, but for some reason the guy wouldn’t listen). Congratulations, well wishes, and remarks of “please don’t crack the fucking engine block on this one like you did when you were 16” can be left in the comments section below.



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10 comments:

Mr Furious said...

Badass. The GMification of Saab and the subsequent jettisoning of the hatchback was a serious mistake, IMHO.

I had a 1987 900S that I put over 250,000 miles on. That's a guesstimate because the odometer actually broke at 107,000, but I feel it's accurate. The heated seats never worked, and it ate brake rotors like potato chips, and by the time I got rid of it, the windows wouldn;t go down, and the AC was broken, but that car's engine was still running like a champ when the donation tow truck took it away.

I LOVED that car. For ten years there was nothing I owned that hadn't been carried in that cavernous hatch at one point. queen-sized bedframes, futons, diningroom sideboards...Two people could sleep in the back with the seats folded down.

I have my Volvo now, and I like it, but I gaze longingly at Saab 9-3s all the time. Even the newer sedan versions. I would kill for a 9-3 SportCombi.

I'm a hatch guy, ot a sedan guy. What can I say?

Mr Furious said...

NOT a sedan guy.

Mr Furious said...

Oh, and that old Saab with the 16V 2.0 litre pulled down 30 mpg on my commute across your neck of the woods, Rickey. (from Rye, across the TZ over to Rockland—26 miles each way...)

I'm happy to see that the new Saabs brought back the clamshell hood. I'm sure if I was my mechanic I'd've hated walking around that thing, but I felt like a bad-ass when I unfolded the front half of my car in a giant counterbalanced maneuver just to check the oil.

Adam said...

Oh yeah... that's what daddy likes to see!

Congratulations, and safe driving!

Rickey Henderson said...

Damn, they brought back the clamshell? Awesome. Finally GM does something right. Now give Rickey back his clown horn! If Rickey has a gripe about his new Saab, it's that it's horn doesn't sound nearly as goofy and clownlike as the one on his 1985 900 Turbo.

Ah the memories... that Saab drove for almost 300,000 miles before it finally died.

Mr Furious said...

I haven't been able to verify whether it tips forward or not (doubtful), but the hood now wraps down on the sides like the old ones.

Didn't know you were once a 900 pilot. You obviously know of what I speak...

Rickey Henderson said...

Yep, Rickey rocked a 900 Turbo for a long time. It was the first serious car he's ever owned. (Rickey doesn't count the Ford Taurus that was lost in an accident that was not his fault or the 1984 Volvo 240GL that suddenly leaked all it's oil out and seized up). No, the Saab 900 was Rickey's first official car, and it went on to last a very, very long time.

And now everything has come full circle.

Dorky Dad said...

Please don't crack the engine block like you did when you were 16.

Is that right? Did I write the correct comment?

Rickey Henderson said...

It is. We also would have accepted "Mazel Tov". Well done Dorky.

AmyV said...

Niceeeee (or is that nicecececece?). Of course, my husband's uncle works for Volvo (he lives in Stockholm, it's either that, Saab or a sauna maker, basically), though, so I feel betrayed. But that's mostly because I needed something to feel betrayed about, so thanks.

And:
please don’t crack the fucking engine block on this one like you did when you were 16

And:
Mazel tov.