Friday, November 9, 2007

Your Weekly Mickey Rourke Update

Every now and then Rickey likes to post news of a celebrity scandal to appease the masses. We tend to shy away from the usual Britney Spears/Lindsey Lohan nonsense because frankly, it’s just kind of uninteresting and depressing. No, when we want awesome celebrity exploits, we look no further than the tragicomedy stylings of one Mickey Rourke. Indeed, this failed actor, boxer, and legendary Hollywood bad boy is a celebrity whose antics are truly worthy of mention.

For those who missed it, Mickey Rourke was arrested yesterday for drunkenly operating a (wait for it…. wait for it…) vespa. We will repeat that because it bears repeating: Mickey Rourke is still alive and was apparently charged with a DUI while driving a vespa. Why? We don't know, because he's an insane jackass we guess...

But frankly, what else should one expect from an actor whose last half-decent film featured Lisa Bonet dancing under a chicken blood shower? Rickey thought about it, and realized that Mickey Rourke is one of the rare people to rival Rod Stewart for greatest amount of talent squandered within one’s lifetime. And then Rickey took a stroll down memory lane to recall watching “Angel Heart,” a movie that arguably changed Rickey’s life.

Let's be honest now: any film that features Robert De Niro playing the devil and Mickey Rourke drowning someone in a vat of gumbo is clearly worth your time and money. Also, it's worth nothing that when this movie was released, it made a nation collectively gasp out loud: "sweet fancy moses, what is Denise Huxtable doing?" In summation, here’s what Rickey learned after watching “Angel Heart”:

1)That gumbo is tasty
2)Never to cross a voodoo woman
3) Never to engage in conversation with an eccentric couple walking by the ocean
4) That Mickey Rourke would one day attain permanent stardom and multiple Oscars

Arguably, we were wrong about that last point, but there’s still time for Rourke to get his shit together. Until then, we’re more than happy to report on any vespa/scooter/moped/llama DUI charges than Mickey Rourke may inflict upon himself.

And remember, if you see just one movie this year that falls into the classification of “film noir erotic mystery starring a seedy gumshoe with questionable morals,” well then definitely make “Angel Heart” your top choice.

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7 comments:

George said...

Rickey, I've got one word for you: Zandalee.

Hunt it down and you'll see Angel Heart ain't nothing, for Nic Cage and Judge Reinhold trump Rourke and DeNiro any day. Any trashy day, that is.

Diesel said...

Mickey Rourke needs to play Dog the Bounty Hunter in the movie.

Fletch said...

Damn...I've not seen Angel Heart. Sounds like a winner.

That said, I think most people would consider Sin City to be a "half-decent film." Just sayin'...

Mark said...

DUI on a Vespa. Classic. And I have to agree with Fletch, I thought Vespa-boy was cartoonishly good in Sin City.

I still get misty thinking about Lisa Bonet in Angel Heart.

Rickey Henderson said...

Well he was a walking cliche in Sin City, but a pretty decent one Rickey supposes. So fair enough.

Mr Furious said...

I keep thinking that's Dog, myself...

Zoinks, he said. said...

"Domino" didn't quite suck, but Rourke was no screaming hell. And two 90210 vets poked fun at themselves, which is cool of them.

Wow. If you don't know me, that first sentence might be inexplicable.

Anyway, In "Domino", I saw Keira Knightley's boobs.

'Nuff said.