Thursday, November 15, 2007

Your Almighty Update

If the previous article wasn’t any indication, we here at RwR enjoy occasionally poking fun at Jesus freaks (if we could physically poke them in real life without any fear of karmic repercussions, we’d do that too). And since another misbegotten madman already has the market cornered on ridiculing crummy church signs, Rickey has decided to occasionally post about something even better: divine manifestations in the most unlikely of places.

As a rule, we appreciate it when God takes a break from his busy schedule to come down and speak to humanity. It’s a welcome change in one’s day. And since the burning bush shtick elicits kind of a “been there, done that” response from the masses nowadays, the Lord has apparently found new and unique ways of getting his across to mankind: in pancake form. Indeed, someone in Port St. Lucie, Florida has intercepted a message from God while cooking up flapjacks.


Quoth our modern day Moses, “I think the message is extremely clear that the world had better clean up its act.” Yep, because when the big fella upstairs wants to let humanity know he’s displeased with how things are running down here, he’ll absolutely dispatch his message in sweet sugary pancake form. Possibly buttermilk. And what are the recipients of God’s message doing with this Holy Pancake? Why selling it on ebay to turn a profit, of course. Because as we all know, Jesus' disciples spent a long time toiling over that section in the Bible which discusses the positive effects of free market capitalism. Here's the description of the wondrous pancake from the ebay ad:

“This is a spiritual, unusual and unique pancake that we believe to be holy and
depicts what looks to be Jesus and Mary. My brother said it looks
more like Moses and Elijah. What is your guess?? It was created
on November 5th by accident along with a batch of pancakes for breakfast.”
With no suspicions of any figures being in it, my mother flipped it over to do
the other side and discovered that these are obviously religious figures dressed
in the early desert garb that would have been worn at that time in Jeruselem.
Before she could stop herself, my mother was sprinkling chocolate powder when
she stopped immediately after noticing the obvious!! The pancake was too special
to serve, and so we offer it for your admiration and perhaps purchase. It should
have happened at Christmas, but close enough. This is being preserved safely
until purchase by being wrapped in saran and enclosed in a
temperature-controlled foam tray. If you would like to own this pancake, you may
feel free to bid. We created this Ebay ID just for this pancake! Thank you for
looking. The shipping is FREE. We never dreamed that something unusual would
happen to us. God bless those that took the time to look at our wondrous
pancake. We have decided to donate at least half of this to a worthy
cause. One of the family members has a rare movement disorder called
Dystonia. If you are hesitant because of the feedback (as this is a new ID) -
please check my main Ebay ID (beadz37) as that is mine as well. My feedback
there is over 80 and 100 percent positive. Thanks!”

Thoughts? Well for someone who could easily be the modern day Messiah, the recipient of this Holy Pancake is being remarkably cavalier about the whole thing. Why must we guess whether it is Moses or Elijah that is portrayed in this pancake? These are serious spiritual matters we’re talking about here, not a goddamned game show. Rickey especially enjoyed the part of the ad discussing “early desert garb that would have been worn at that time in Jerusalem.” Apparently all it takes is several years of Sunday school, Florida’s failing school systems, and an oddly shaped pancake to suddenly transform anyone into an expert Bible historian. Who knew?

Even more curious is how the seller refers to the pancake's creation as being accidental. Since when is divine will considered an accident? If you’re the religious type, isn’t it just a tad blasphemous to receive a message from God and then refer to it as a happy accident? But hey, at least they’re being Christian about the whole thing and offering free shipping. So there’s that.

And P.S.: Jesus, if you’re reading this, Rickey only responds to divine messages if they appear in quesadillas. As a rule, Rickey cannot be bothered with Biblical manifestations while eating breakfast at 7AM.

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15 comments:

Smitty said...

God bless those that took the time to look at our wondrous
pancake.


There are expectations you have as a reasonable human being. Things that you can and can't possibly imagine seeing, hearing, feeling, etc.

It is safe to say that never did I ever expect to read those words, together in a single sentence, above.

mr. met said...

I cannot believe someone paid $338 for the pancake. I mean, there is and endless amount of spectacular consumer products to spend your disposable income on....or hookers and drugs.

Joel B. said...

I look forward to this ongoing series. Thanks, Rickey!

Rickey Henderson said...

Actually, Rickey's kind of shocked that it didn't go for more. Being able to literally consume the body of Christ has got to be worth more than $338, right?

George said...

Rickey, ever hear of communion? If you're Catholic, you can consume Jesus bodily every day.

And for that Jesus says thank you.

And now I'm damned for all eternity for making a holy blow job joke.

Toasty Joe said...

You know, the terrifying thing is the number of people who believe in this shit. I think I can guess who they voted for in the last election.

This is one fucked-up country.

Rickey Henderson said...

Yes Rickey has heard of communion. As if the pageantry, the smoke, the clothing, and the music weren't homoerotic enough, then they make you put Christ in your mouth? No thanks.

Rickey is totally submitting this post to as many Catholic blog carnivals as he can.

B Mac said...

A reading from the letter of St. Jemima to the Butterworths:

"...and the Lord spake to them:
'My friends, keep ye vigilant. For ye know not when I shall return as a vague outline in thine breakfast. Prepare thy souls and soften thy butter. For the Kingdom of God belongs not to those who seek truth, but rather to those who find my silhouette in random object.

Blessed are the grilled cheese sandwiches, the strange knots in trees, and the soot in thy chimney. For these shall be my home. And if you should find me there, contact thy local Fox affiliate and spread the good word.'"

Amen

Me said...

Since this was in Port St. Lucie, Florida (Mets spring training spot), I don't think it's actually Jesus and Mary on the pancake. To me, the outlines look more like Paul LoDuca and Ramon Castro (Castro would be the slightly more chunky silhoutte on the right), and therefore God is against the signing of Torrealba.

justacoolcat said...

Turn the other Flapjack Rickey.

I asked the tough question about these pious pancakes yesterday.

justacoolcat said...

"Being able to literally consume the body of Christ has got to be worth more than $338, right?"

Actually, that's free with Sacrament.

Chris C said...

First time here, like the blog. You had me at the finger jousting post.

Rickey Henderson said...

Nothing packs 'em in quite like finger jousting. Those sexually confused fuckers in Georgia have doubled Rickey's web traffic.

Diesel said...

That is definitely Joseph and Mary. Or Moses and Elijah. Or Joseph and Elijah. Or Bert and Ernie.

Still, it's definitely biblical.

Lord Likely said...

It seems God does indeed move in the most mysterious of ways.

Being flipped up and down, for example.