Thursday, November 8, 2007

Beard Watch: Day 89

Some of you are perhaps wondering how that beard thing we mentioned earlier is going. Is Rickey still your go to guy for all things beard-related? Well, let’s put it this way: if you were to type in the phrase “how to convince your wife you need a beard” in Google, this very site pops up as the first result. (Seriously, as per Sitemeter, some lonely man actually ran that query and ended up on this site). So yes, we’re still your one stop shop for men seeking a new and unique way to scare children and alienate loved ones.

And so we celebrate 89 glorious days of beard ownership. Rickey did the math and that computes to 7,689,600 seconds spent without any meddlesome interference from the cheese eating surrender monkeys at the Gillette Corporation. About two months into this strange and savage journey, Rickey realized that a neatly trimmed beard is absolutely the way to go. This is because a neatly trimmed beard will garner its owner a much desired “rugged yet sophisticated” description from passers by, and that’s really what we were shooting for when we began this experiment. Along the way there have been challenges, primarily in the form of some parts of the beard wanting to grow faster than others. To this day, we still don’t know why Sir Mandrake in sector 14 insists on growing faster than his follicular peers. Perhaps some things are better left unexamined.

Granted, beard trimming is an annoyance, but in the end, the hassle is well worth the trouble. Most amateur beard growers out there will let their beards grow for a mere week before they panic and shave it off, and then immediately regret that decision. It's a vicious cycle people. Rickey says: damn the societal standards of decency. How are you ever going to front a sex-rock band if you’re weighed down by morals? Do you think Hemingway, Shackleton, and Red Green paused to consider the social repercussions of growing a beard? Not a chance—like true pioneers, they just went for it. To all you folks considering growing beards, Rickey advises you to really go for it. It’s up to you to stretch the boundaries of what your beard can do for you.

Best of all, with winter now upon us, Rickey has no need for a face muffler, or whatever it is you limp wristed & bare cheeked pedestrians use to keep your faces warm in the winter. No matter where you live in the world, a warm face is paramount, because in the end, what's important is your health. Like the fellow pictured on the left, Rickey is fully winterized. So bring it on, climate change. Rickey and his marvelous winter beard are ready for you.

And for those keeping score at home the transformation is now complete. As we write this, Rickey is in possession of the following items:

1 corduroy blazer
1 late model Volvo
1 copy, “Hound of the Baskervilles
1 pair glasses
1 bountiful man-beard

Is that tweedy enough for you? By our math, Rickey is just a trip to the pipe shop away from possessing tenure at the local community college. (A bottle of calvados gets him a chair at Smith!)

So in summation, we feel that we’ve really tested the limits of what a beard can do for a man. Rickey will be keeping the beard for the duration of the winter, and we’ll mark the coming of spring with the shaving of the beard. Expect a full-blown ballad lamenting the loss of the beard when that happens.

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Adam said...

"Man-beard" is a funny term, isn't it? Suppose another gender (or non-gender specific) beard were to rear its ugly head? Confusion would likely ensue. Oh my...

Rickey Henderson said...

Indeed, it is--ranking only second behind the always popular "Man-milk." Rickey uses the term so that there is absolutely no confusion that he is all man.

mr. met said...

Isn't it "man-butter"? Either way, it conveys the same idea.

Fletch said...

"without any meddlesome interference from the cheese eating surrender monkeys at the Gillette Corporation"

You're either lying or conveniently only grow stubble on your neck.

Personally, I believe you.

Rickey Henderson said...

You should--Rickey uses a Schick to shave the neck hairs.

Mr Furious said...

Yo, Grizzly Adams. Beard Meme—you're it.

Rickey Henderson said...

Hm. Ok. Awesome facial hair there Furious. So Rickey has to do what exactly? Find another bearded blog to pass this on to?