Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Rickey recognizes that you, the reader, can easily become overwhelmed by the Thanksgiving holiday. But not us. Never us. And that’s why we’re sharing the following list of do’s and don’ts with you in hopes of simplifying what can be a very hectic holiday. Please enjoy our first annual installment of:

Rickey’s Tips for Having a Keen Time This Thanksgiving

1) Start off the holiday right: with a warm nice bath in Iroquois blood. Look, either you’re on board with the idea of celebrating the white man’s theft of the land from Native Americans or you’re not. Sorry gang, but there’s no middle ground here.

2) If your friends and family are discussing what they’re most thankful for, it’s generally considered poor form to blurt out that you’re thankful for the Dallas Cowboys covering the spread.

3) However, nothing is as hilarious as suddenly and inexplicably yelling out bombastic football ads while at the dinner table: KITNA! FARVE! IT’S THANKSGIVING DAY FOOTBALL ON FOX!

4) The first person to use the word “tryptophan” at the dinner table will be required to eat the remainder of their meal in the coat closet. Yes, we all know what tryptophan is fucko, we know it's in turkey, and we know it makes us sleepy. We’ve heard it a bazillion goddamned times. Your expansive knowledge of date rape drugs is overwhelmingly impressive. Thanks for letting us know that your Vassar education is finally paying off.

5) Absolutely do not screw around with making your own cranberry sauce. Canned, gelatinous cranberry sauce is as much as integral part of Thanksgiving as the Turkey. 10 points if you can get it to vacate the can in perfect cylindrical form!

6) Think about creating your very own Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade drinking game. Rickey’s consists of:

  • Drinking whenever a parade balloon drifts dangerously close to pedestrians.
  • Drinking whenever the sudden, terrifying appearance of Willard Scott makes the cat flee the room in panic.
  • Drinking whenever the word “Macy's” is used.

7) Two Thanksgivings are better than one. Rickey’s family celebrates the holiday this Thursday and Ms. Henderson’s family celebrates it on Friday. You know damn well what the implications of this are. Rickey, ever the gastronomical opportunist, will be double dipping this week. We strongly advise you to look into doing the same.

8) Consider not cooking a Turkey this year. How about a swan instead? They’re bigger, so that means you’ll get more stuffing.

9) However, try to avoid going crazy with the poultry stuffing idea and create a Turducken (that would of course be a chicken stuffed inside a duck stuffed inside a turkey). Come on now folks… Imagine if aliens celebrated their Thanksgiving by stuffing a human inside a bear inside a elephant. That would just be unnecessary, right?

10) Most importantly, don’t get weird with the stuffing. Cornbread stuffing is stretching things far enough. If you venture into the realm of potato latke stuffing or oyster stuffing, then you, friend, are a jackass. You know what kind of stuffing Rickey likes? Normal fucking stuffing. The kind that comes in a plastic bag and says “Pepperidge” on it.

11) Think about working a prank into the Thanksgiving festivities. A little frivolity goes a long way to lighten things up on what could easily become a dreary snooze fest. For example, one of Ms. Henderson's family members enjoys hiding bird feathers in Ms. Henderson's books and other personal effects for Ms. Henderson to discover at a later date. It's a prank, see? So when the Avian Flu breaks out in Rickey's apartment, at least he'll know where it came from.

12) After eating, refrain from retreating to the sofa and unbuttoning your belt buckle. We’re not certain that even James Bond could make that maneuver look acceptable. Why not go for broke and remove your pants altogether? Or just eat nude in the first place?

13) Leftovers aren’t nearly as bad as you’d think. Try putting your leftover turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, gravy and mashed potatoes between two pieces of bread then eating it like a sandwich. Behold: Thanksgiving in sandwich form!

And with that, Rickey is off for the remainder of the week. Rickey will be back on Monday. Yes, we know, what will you do until then? Well, we don’t know really. But here are some suggestions:

Egan Foote tipped Rickey off to a terrific site that allows snarky miscreants to create their very own mock motivational posters. You know, this seems like the kind of thing folks could blog about...

Or you could research the fascinating world of wild Brooklyn parrots (no joke, they exist).

Then perhaps join the campaign to help Huey Lewis. In one of his many alarming parallels with Patrick Bateman, Rickey happens to love Huey's work. Best of all, this whole thing was started up by some lunatic who even sounds like Patrick Bateman in American Psycho:

It’s long been known by me that Huey Lewis is an under-appreciated and
misunderstood genius. Ballads like "Do You Believe in Love" and "The Power of
Love" are classics of the earworm genre. "Workin’ for a Livin’" spoke
timelessly of the working man’s plight, and the songs "Walkin' on a Thin
Line" and "Back in Time" addressed the serious issues of the struggles facing
Vietnam veterans and time travelers, respectively.

Intentional or not, that is some solid humor. And if you're still wanting for stimulation, maybe twiddle your thumbs for a bit. Monday will be here before you know it. Enjoy the holiday folks. Happy Thanksgiving.

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Egan Foote said...

We recently uncovered a number of Egan Foote motivational posters. Check them out here...

Egan, out!

Marvin Martian said...

Don't knock hubearphant till you try it.

Toasty Joe said...

"Thanks for letting us know that your Vassar education is finally paying off."

Ouch. A totally unprovoked shot at Toasty Joe's alma mater. I am appalled.

Rickey Henderson said...

Our apologies Joe. As a Vassar alum, what bugs you more: the joke Homer makes about Vassar in that Simpsons episode or the fact that a random criminal in one of the Police Academy movies wore a Vassar t-shirt?

All kidding aside, every now and then Rickey loves to get in a dig at one of the many "small ivy" liberal arts colleges out there. Don't take it personally Toasty. Rickey attended one of 'em too.

Toasty Joe said...

I'm going to have to go with the Simpsons joke, specifically because one of my friends shouts "I've had enough of your Vassar-bashing, young lady!!" every single time Vassar comes up in conversation. We're talking 100% percent of the time, without fail.

Rebecca said...

Very amusing list

the frogster said...

I had me a terducken in my sights a few Thanksgivings ago, but a Jackalope came out from behind a bush and startled that critter. He flew off and I had to go to Pizza Hut for my Thanksgiving feast. Bloody Jackalopes.

Lord Likely said...

No wonder turkeys are so easy to stuff, with all that tryptophan in their system.

Deb said...

Go Harvard.

Remind me to tell you the story of how I got Huey Lewis to autograph a copy of "The Cat in the Hat". The Latin translation.

Found you on Roadkill. You have just added to the great time suck known as, "Reading my favorite blogs". My kid is never going to get into an Ivy League with all the TV-watching he's going to be doing.

Anonymous said...

Hey, glad I could help to introduce you to the wonderful world of the Brooklyn Monk Parrot!

Ms. Henderson's BFF said...

1.) I did indeed get the cranberries out of the can still as solid perfection so I guess I get 10 points.

2.) I would like to add to the list aside from horrors like turducken that I have attended a thanksgiving in my past which involved the serving of a Tofurkey. It was a scary gelatinous mess shaped as a miniature turkey. Not much flavor so who knows what it was cooked with and frankly, I'm never expecting what I think is my poultry to jiggle like that.

3.) And finally there's the ever popular reading assignment that my aunt will give where someone is chosen to read some piece of information about Thanksgiving as if we are about to participate in some 5th grade play. This followed by the delightful game of what you're thankful for. This year was particularly charming as after my mother spent the day verbally abusing me she looked around the table and commented that she was thankful at how happy everyone was....and to think, most people are more worried about their in-laws. HA! I say!

Diesel said...

Huey is the bestest ever.