Rickey recognizes that you, the reader, can easily become overwhelmed by the Thanksgiving holiday. But not us. Never us. And that’s why we’re sharing the following list of do’s and don’ts with you in hopes of simplifying what can be a very hectic holiday. Please enjoy our first annual installment of:
Rickey’s Tips for Having a Keen Time This Thanksgiving
1) Start off the holiday right: with a warm nice bath in Iroquois blood. Look, either you’re on board with the idea of celebrating the white man’s theft of the land from Native Americans or you’re not. Sorry gang, but there’s no middle ground here.
2) If your friends and family are discussing what they’re most thankful for, it’s generally considered poor form to blurt out that you’re thankful for the Dallas Cowboys covering the spread.
3) However, nothing is as hilarious as suddenly and inexplicably yelling out bombastic football ads while at the dinner table: KITNA! FARVE! IT’S THANKSGIVING DAY FOOTBALL ON FOX!
4) The first person to use the word “tryptophan” at the dinner table will be required to eat the remainder of their meal in the coat closet. Yes, we all know what tryptophan is fucko, we know it's in turkey, and we know it makes us sleepy. We’ve heard it a bazillion goddamned times. Your expansive knowledge of date rape drugs is overwhelmingly impressive. Thanks for letting us know that your Vassar education is finally paying off.
5) Absolutely do not screw around with making your own cranberry sauce. Canned, gelatinous cranberry sauce is as much as integral part of Thanksgiving as the Turkey. 10 points if you can get it to vacate the can in perfect cylindrical form!
6) Think about creating your very own Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade drinking game. Rickey’s consists of:
- Drinking whenever a parade balloon drifts dangerously close to pedestrians.
- Drinking whenever the sudden, terrifying appearance of Willard Scott makes the cat flee the room in panic.
- Drinking whenever the word “Macy's” is used.
7) Two Thanksgivings are better than one. Rickey’s family celebrates the holiday this Thursday and Ms. Henderson’s family celebrates it on Friday. You know damn well what the implications of this are. Rickey, ever the gastronomical opportunist, will be double dipping this week. We strongly advise you to look into doing the same.
8) Consider not cooking a Turkey this year. How about a swan instead? They’re bigger, so that means you’ll get more stuffing.
9) However, try to avoid going crazy with the poultry stuffing idea and create a Turducken (that would of course be a chicken stuffed inside a duck stuffed inside a turkey). Come on now folks… Imagine if aliens celebrated their Thanksgiving by stuffing a human inside a bear inside a elephant. That would just be unnecessary, right?
10) Most importantly, don’t get weird with the stuffing. Cornbread stuffing is stretching things far enough. If you venture into the realm of potato latke stuffing or oyster stuffing, then you, friend, are a jackass. You know what kind of stuffing Rickey likes? Normal fucking stuffing. The kind that comes in a plastic bag and says “Pepperidge” on it.
11) Think about working a prank into the Thanksgiving festivities. A little frivolity goes a long way to lighten things up on what could easily become a dreary snooze fest. For example, one of Ms. Henderson's family members enjoys hiding bird feathers in Ms. Henderson's books and other personal effects for Ms. Henderson to discover at a later date. It's a prank, see? So when the Avian Flu breaks out in Rickey's apartment, at least he'll know where it came from.
12) After eating, refrain from retreating to the sofa and unbuttoning your belt buckle. We’re not certain that even James Bond could make that maneuver look acceptable. Why not go for broke and remove your pants altogether? Or just eat nude in the first place?
13) Leftovers aren’t nearly as bad as you’d think. Try putting your leftover turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, gravy and mashed potatoes between two pieces of bread then eating it like a sandwich. Behold: Thanksgiving in sandwich form!
And with that, Rickey is off for the remainder of the week. Rickey will be back on Monday. Yes, we know, what will you do until then? Well, we don’t know really. But here are some suggestions:
Or you could research the fascinating world of wild Brooklyn parrots (no joke, they exist).
Then perhaps join the campaign to help Huey Lewis. In one of his many alarming parallels with Patrick Bateman, Rickey happens to love Huey's work. Best of all, this whole thing was started up by some lunatic who even sounds like Patrick Bateman in American Psycho:
It’s long been known by me that Huey Lewis is an under-appreciated and
misunderstood genius. Ballads like "Do You Believe in Love" and "The Power of
Love" are classics of the earworm genre. "Workin’ for a Livin’" spoke
timelessly of the working man’s plight, and the songs "Walkin' on a Thin
Line" and "Back in Time" addressed the serious issues of the struggles facing
Vietnam veterans and time travelers, respectively.
Intentional or not, that is some solid humor. And if you're still wanting for stimulation, maybe twiddle your thumbs for a bit. Monday will be here before you know it. Enjoy the holiday folks. Happy Thanksgiving.