Thursday, November 29, 2007

Maybe it’s the cocktail of cold medicines (yep, still sick) coursing through Rickey’s veins that’s making him feel giddy in the head, but today we figure we’ll blow the doors off this site and share a few pointers with you aspiring bloggers out there. Some of you may be wondering what it takes to become a wildly successful blogger. Well, we’ll tell you: its anger. Unbridled anger. Combine that unfathomably deep anger with a little bit of free time and you, friend, have the makings of a fine blog. Of course, there are a few other details to be aware of, some of which we’ll share today with you in:

Rickey’s Rules COMMANDMENTS OF BLOGGING

1) Try to begin every blog post with a funny picture. Like the one below, for example.

So give this thrilling new pictograph craze a shot—toss up that hilarious picture you’ve got stored on your computer of a squirrel fellating himself. (That fella needs his moment in the spotlight!) A funny picture is a good indication to your readers that you are at least going to attempt to be humorous today.

2) When registering your blog’s domain name, try to avoid misspelling it. In our haste to share our lives with anonymous internet folks, we misspelled Rickey Henderson’s first name. Oops. The unintentional humor skyrockets when you type in the proper spelling with an ‘e’ and are taken to the original blog which contains only a post of Rickey rambling about his dog. We mean come on, what kind of douchebag inaugurates his blog by talking about a Samoyed and then creates a duplicate site with the incorrect spelling? We’re convinced that Blogger hasn’t deleted that site primarily to mock Rickey’s rookie mistakes. Fuck.

3) If you’re feeling like your blog could use a little more publicity, try submitting a column to a Blog Carnival every now and then. Granted, the administrator might not publish it, but nothing beats receiving emails that state “While your article on Shawn Green was rather amusing, I fail to see how it fits in with the Kosher Cooking Carnival. Also, there is far too much cursing in your post to justify publishing it on a family-oriented website.”

4) We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: respect the lolcat, for it is the blogging equivalent of bread & circuses. See, in the real world, cats generally suck. But in the internet world, a picture of cat poking its head in a cookie jar with a caption reading “I'M IN UR JARZ, EATIN UR COOKEEZ!!!” is pure comedy gold (Jerry).

5) Write lists. Feeling lazy? Having trouble stringing together thoughts and ideas into a cohesive narrative structure? Well then, lists are definitely for you. Be they bullet points, numbered, or lettered, a list is possibly the least creatively demanding way of being funny. We use lists whenever possible. We also talk like Venom from the Spiderman comics, so really, you should be taking all this with a grain of salt.

6) When a blogger posts on your website, you must return the favor. Yep, it sucks and it’s a complete pain in the ass for Rickey to do it, but he does it nonetheless because he begrudgingly respects you. At this point, we’d almost welcome fewer comments if it prevented us from having to go over to some jackass’s site and posting about how their latest column written by a fictional monkey general from the Napoleonic War was a goddamned riot. Because guess what cupcake? It was not.

7) Colorful language is the hallmark of a well rounded blog. We try to spend as much time crafting prosaic sentences as we do carefully determining where to use our next f-bomb. Rickey is nothing if not a Renaissance man.

8) Remember to provide links. Links are fun! Wheee! *note: most readers will never ever clink on the links, so all that time spent finding genuinely funny material will go by the wayside 9 times out of 10. And for added comedic effect, be sure to include a picture of some sausage links! Or maybe some dude in leather using some chain links for autoerotic asphyxiation. It’s your call—either one is hilarious in their own way.

9) Blog constantly. Doesn’t matter if it’s funny or not. If you’re out there frequently posting on your blog like a coked up jackrabbit, the people will come. Oh yes, the people will come—they won’t even know why. Much like the disgraced 1919 White Sox emerging onto Kevin Costner’s baseball diamond in “Field of Dreams.” We’re not even kidding with that analogy: judging by the recent Google searches that have led people to this site, you have done something seriously wrong if you’ve ended up here. Seriously, which one of you lunatics keeps searching for "naked horse cult" or "masturbatorium gulag"?

10) Try not to pigeon hole yourself by impersonating a famous sports figure and then proceeding to impose upon them a personality that is eccentric, pompous, and bombastic. It tends to alienate and befuddle newcomers just a bit. D’oh. Hey look, after almost a year, we’ve totally nailed Rickey’s third person manner of speaking, so at least there’s that. And now we’re working on the editorial voice. How’s THAT for comedy?!

11) Need a bit more oomph in your witty little jokes? Worried that your readers might not understand what you’re trying to emphasize? Meet Rickey’s friend, the italic button. He’s witty, subtle, and vaguely Italian! Best of all he’s not nearly as brash and coarse as his German brother, the bold button.

12) Unless you’re running a blog paying homage to the unstoppable killing machine that is Jack Bauer, avoid using a black background with white text template. We cannot stress this strongly enough. There are several problems with this, the predominate one being unnecessary eye strain. Also, the black background & white text reminds your viewers of passé websites circa 1998 containing angry rants. Finally, you need to be aware that many of your blog’s readers may be viewing your site at work, and don’t want to get caught by their boss reading ominous black web sites that suggest they’re procuring guns, devil worshipping literature, or Castlevania walkthroughs. Not that Rickey is paranoid or anything…

13) You can never run out of material. In the world we inhabit, there are always new things to blog about. Try listening in on friends’ conversations and waiting for someone to say something funny. When they do, be sure to exclaim “by Jove, that sounds like something I could blog about!” and then scamper off to the nearest computer to do so.

14) Or maybe try to blog about blogging itself. Kind of like what we just did here. Hah, how freaking meta is that? Did we just blow your goddamned mind?

And that just about wraps things up. Yes, we realize that by sharing this proprietary information, Rickey has effectively handed away the keys to the kingdom. But frankly, any attempted facsimiles would lack the moxie, gumption, and hilarious f-bombs that can only be found here at RwR. Our apologies if this made not a damn lick of sense, but like we said earlier, Rickey is all hopped up on cold medicine. Kind of like Stephen King when he wrote “Dreamcatcher,” except that excuses only one of King's awful writings… Rickey has an entire portfolio of fierce irreverence to stand proudly upon.

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23 comments:

Egan Foote said...

One other tip: use terms that are likely to come up in people's Google searches. For example, Rickey, you may be discussing the Mets, but inserting the words "High School Musical," "sex tape" or "Rudy Giuliani nude" will ensure that tons of unsuspecting search engine users stumble upon your blog. While you may start some nasty rumors about a Paul LoDuca-Rudy Giuliani sex tape, you will get some more hits.

Egan, out!

Rickey Henderson said...

Hm... This is a venerable idea. And "Rudy Guiliani nude" would attract the much sought after conservative haus frau demographic.

mr. met said...

innocuous comment.

{impatiently waits for return comment}

AmyV said...

You know, the lolcat is funny even without the photo. I laughed out loud just at your description of it.

Of course, that might say more about me than it does about the lolcat.

Sigh.

George said...

Ha Ha. Now you have to come leave a comment at this jackass's site.

Hey, wait....

(Actually in your discussion of italics and bold you left out the sly Scandinavian joy of the ellipsis, which hangs your humor out to dry.)

Adam said...

I use ellipses often...

RJ said...

Scandinavian?

And all this time I thought they were a hearty folk that always finished the job...

Rickey Henderson said...

Ah yes, the ellipsis. Rickey freaking loves using the ellipsis (to a fault, really).

elasticwaistbandlady said...

A constant non-stop barrage of cute kid pictures ruins the blogging experience for me. I get it. Your kid is freakin adorable. I know. I got 6 of them. And don't nobody care except Meemaw and Pawpaw, aight?

I die a little inside every single time I have to write out "LOL! Your kid is sure a cutie pie!"

Me said...

It's even more embarassing when you misspell your fellow blogger's address and post a comment on their defunct website about your pet guinea pig!

Oops! :)

Smitty said...

Rickey:

In regards to your angry comment on Around the Keg (which, admittedly this week has indeed suffered from inactivity):

Please accept our apologies. We have been more sober than usual. It requires a degree of inebriation to post on our blog. We have all been inordinately busy lately and have not had the time to have the 4- or 8-beer lunches it requires to post on Around the Keg.

We will endeavor in the future to take the time it takes to do our blog right.

-Smitty and the Other Drunks at Around the Keg

John Peterson said...

Unless you’re running a blog paying homage to the unstoppable killing machine that is Jack Bauer, avoid using a black background with white text template. We cannot stress this strongly enough. There are several problems with this, the predominate one being unnecessary eye strain. Also, the black background & white text reminds your viewers of passé websites circa 1998 containing angry rants. Finally, you need to be aware that many of your blog’s readers may be viewing your site at work, and don’t want to get caught by their boss reading ominous black web sites that suggest they’re procuring guns, devil worshipping literature, or Castlevania walkthroughs. Not that Rickey is paranoid or anything…

I can't help but to feel personally slighted. But guess what, Blastings! is a black man, and a black web site he shall have! And contrary to your claim about eye strain, black backgrounds are actually better on the eyes. The default white background is a holdover from thinking computer screens should be like paper. We're in the twentieth century, Rickey. And finally, it's called RSS feeds! Get a damn feed reader! Who the hell actually goes to blogs anymore? When you want to see if you have e-mail, do you ask each one of your friends if he has an e-mail for you? No, you just open up your e-mail client or site and check your damn e-mail. It should be the same with blogs: www.google.com/reader.

You have been disagreed with.

John Peterson said...

Also, "Castlevania walkthroughs" is a gem.

Rickey Henderson said...

Many thanks for the input John. Although why not go for the Blasting Milledge moniker rather than your real name?

When he was younger, Rickey knew a kid named John Peterson. John's family had pet goats that wore diapers. He's dead now. True story.

John Peterson said...

cuz i'm a surius joornalist.

Dan said...

Dude! That's Buster Keaton that that movie ... that movie where he, crap, where he rides a donkey! Yeah, that one.

Thanks for visiting my blog. Like you, I think this is a pain in the ass but here I am returning your damned visit.

My next post is going to be about blogging about blogging about blogging. Or something.

Deb said...

No need to post in return for my posts. I know I'm not as funny as Rickey, and I stand humbled in your humor shadow.

Shit... I gotta go post another loldog on my blog.

Dorky Dad said...

I really, really think you've left out the single most important step in successful blogging: Bribe Dorky Dad. I personally think that should be on every list of Tips for Aspiring Bloggers.

Mark said...

Regarding 6) General Kang has emerged from his masturbatorium gulag and unleashed Lord Kitchener's army of Silicon-based Berserker Gerbils. You have about two weeks until they decamp, when the frenzied nibbling will begin.

m.

Rickey Henderson said...

Heh, and here Rickey was trying to avoid naming names Mark...

Adam said...

Hey John, you know what's worse than devoting a blog to a TV show that's being delayed indefinitely because of the writers' strike?

Dedicating a blog to a guy who has been traded to the friggin' Nats!

johnqcasual said...

Pretty awesome. You should do a follow-up post giving commandments for leaving comments on other peoples' blogs. One of the commandments can be "only use comments as a means of advertising your own blog". (Another can be "always try to feed your own crappy suggestions to your favorite bloggers, even though they already have plenty of ideas and are way better than you".)

On another note, I just beat Castlevania 2 a couple of weeks ago. It has been my life-long goal ever since I was 8 years old. Now I'm not really sure what to do with my life...

Fletch said...

So that complimentary comment you left me was utter bs? I take back whatever I said, whenever I said it.