Maybe it’s the cocktail of cold medicines (yep, still sick) coursing through Rickey’s veins that’s making him feel giddy in the head, but today we figure we’ll blow the doors off this site and share a few pointers with you aspiring bloggers out there. Some of you may be wondering what it takes to become a wildly successful blogger. Well, we’ll tell you: its anger. Unbridled anger. Combine that unfathomably deep anger with a little bit of free time and you, friend, have the makings of a fine blog. Of course, there are a few other details to be aware of, some of which we’ll share today with you in:
Rules COMMANDMENTS OF BLOGGING
1) Try to begin every blog post with a funny picture. Like the one below, for example.
So give this thrilling new pictograph craze a shot—toss up that hilarious picture you’ve got stored on your computer of a squirrel fellating himself. (That fella needs his moment in the spotlight!) A funny picture is a good indication to your readers that you are at least going to attempt to be humorous today.
2) When registering your blog’s domain name, try to avoid misspelling it. In our haste to share our lives with anonymous internet folks, we misspelled Rickey Henderson’s first name. Oops. The unintentional humor skyrockets when you type in the proper spelling with an ‘e’ and are taken to the original blog which contains only a post of Rickey rambling about his dog. We mean come on, what kind of douchebag inaugurates his blog by talking about a Samoyed and then creates a duplicate site with the incorrect spelling? We’re convinced that Blogger hasn’t deleted that site primarily to mock Rickey’s rookie mistakes. Fuck.
3) If you’re feeling like your blog could use a little more publicity, try submitting a column to a Blog Carnival every now and then. Granted, the administrator might not publish it, but nothing beats receiving emails that state “While your article on Shawn Green was rather amusing, I fail to see how it fits in with the Kosher Cooking Carnival. Also, there is far too much cursing in your post to justify publishing it on a family-oriented website.”
4) We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: respect the lolcat, for it is the blogging equivalent of bread & circuses. See, in the real world, cats generally suck. But in the internet world, a picture of cat poking its head in a cookie jar with a caption reading “I'M IN UR JARZ, EATIN UR COOKEEZ!!!” is pure comedy gold (Jerry).
5) Write lists. Feeling lazy? Having trouble stringing together thoughts and ideas into a cohesive narrative structure? Well then, lists are definitely for you. Be they bullet points, numbered, or lettered, a list is possibly the least creatively demanding way of being funny. We use lists whenever possible. We also talk like Venom from the Spiderman comics, so really, you should be taking all this with a grain of salt.
6) When a blogger posts on your website, you must return the favor. Yep, it sucks and it’s a complete pain in the ass for Rickey to do it, but he does it nonetheless because he begrudgingly respects you. At this point, we’d almost welcome fewer comments if it prevented us from having to go over to some jackass’s site and posting about how their latest column written by a fictional monkey general from the Napoleonic War was a goddamned riot. Because guess what cupcake? It was not.
7) Colorful language is the hallmark of a well rounded blog. We try to spend as much time crafting prosaic sentences as we do carefully determining where to use our next f-bomb. Rickey is nothing if not a Renaissance man.
8) Remember to provide links. Links are fun! Wheee! *note: most readers will never ever clink on the links, so all that time spent finding genuinely funny material will go by the wayside 9 times out of 10. And for added comedic effect, be sure to include a picture of some sausage links! Or maybe some dude in leather using some chain links for autoerotic asphyxiation. It’s your call—either one is hilarious in their own way.
9) Blog constantly. Doesn’t matter if it’s funny or not. If you’re out there frequently posting on your blog like a coked up jackrabbit, the people will come. Oh yes, the people will come—they won’t even know why. Much like the disgraced 1919 White Sox emerging onto Kevin Costner’s baseball diamond in “Field of Dreams.” We’re not even kidding with that analogy: judging by the recent Google searches that have led people to this site, you have done something seriously wrong if you’ve ended up here. Seriously, which one of you lunatics keeps searching for "naked horse cult" or "masturbatorium gulag"?
10) Try not to pigeon hole yourself by impersonating a famous sports figure and then proceeding to impose upon them a personality that is eccentric, pompous, and bombastic. It tends to alienate and befuddle newcomers just a bit. D’oh. Hey look, after almost a year, we’ve totally nailed Rickey’s third person manner of speaking, so at least there’s that. And now we’re working on the editorial voice. How’s THAT for comedy?!
11) Need a bit more oomph in your witty little jokes? Worried that your readers might not understand what you’re trying to emphasize? Meet Rickey’s friend, the italic button. He’s witty, subtle, and vaguely Italian! Best of all he’s not nearly as brash and coarse as his German brother, the bold button.
12) Unless you’re running a blog paying homage to the unstoppable killing machine that is Jack Bauer, avoid using a black background with white text template. We cannot stress this strongly enough. There are several problems with this, the predominate one being unnecessary eye strain. Also, the black background & white text reminds your viewers of passé websites circa 1998 containing angry rants. Finally, you need to be aware that many of your blog’s readers may be viewing your site at work, and don’t want to get caught by their boss reading ominous black web sites that suggest they’re procuring guns, devil worshipping literature, or Castlevania walkthroughs. Not that Rickey is paranoid or anything…
13) You can never run out of material. In the world we inhabit, there are always new things to blog about. Try listening in on friends’ conversations and waiting for someone to say something funny. When they do, be sure to exclaim “by Jove, that sounds like something I could blog about!” and then scamper off to the nearest computer to do so.
14) Or maybe try to blog about blogging itself. Kind of like what we just did here. Hah, how freaking meta is that? Did we just blow your goddamned mind?
And that just about wraps things up. Yes, we realize that by sharing this proprietary information, Rickey has effectively handed away the keys to the kingdom. But frankly, any attempted facsimiles would lack the moxie, gumption, and hilarious f-bombs that can only be found here at RwR. Our apologies if this made not a damn lick of sense, but like we said earlier, Rickey is all hopped up on cold medicine. Kind of like Stephen King when he wrote “Dreamcatcher,” except that excuses only one of King's awful writings… Rickey has an entire portfolio of fierce irreverence to stand proudly upon.