Wednesday, November 7, 2007

In Which Rickey Loses His Tenuous Calm

Picture yourself driving home from work on a nice sunny autumn day. You’re whistling happily along with a tune on the radio. Good old Mr. Sun is smiling down upon you. Maybe there’s a bluebird on your shoulder. In other words, things are definitely looking rosy for you at the moment. And then you see something. Something so mindbogglingly aggravating that you almost crash your vehicle into a fire hydrant. On purpose.

You know that scene in the third (and greatest) Die Hard movie where Jeremy Irons blackmails Bruce Willis into walking around 125th street wearing a sign that says “I hate n____s” and a Harlem resident sees Bruce Willis wearing the sign and screams out “what the fuck?” Well that’s pretty much the reaction Rickey had a few weeks ago when he saw this picture blow (minus the racial overtones, of course).

So all together now Mets fans: What. The. Fuck. What kind of jackass does something like this? Ok, we get it, you’re a Yanks fan who is evidently quite proud to be an American, but does that really necessitate a vanity plate that reads “H8METS”? Does it? Survey says 'no,' you worthless troglodyte. Hm, Rickey wonders how this person feels about David Wright and Carlos Beltran being handed Gold Glove awards yesterday… Also, judging by the U.S. flag sticker, Rickey is putting the odds at 10:1 that this fuckhead voted Republican in 2004. In our experience, we find that being an asshole Yanks fan often coincides with being an asshole Republican.

Maybe we’re making a bigger deal of this than it really is. Maybe Rickey needs to take anger management classes. Whatever. The person who owns this car is quite possibly the biggest prick we’ve ever encountered and Rickey intends to seek revenge the way he best knows how: in blog form. Because ridiculing faceless strangers online is not only cathartic—it’s essentially what the Internet was created for in the first place.

First some background: the picture was taken a few nights ago just one block down from Rickey’s apartment. Yep, this asshole lives practically next door to Rickey. Like Ahab hunting the white whale, Rickey had furtively searched his neighborhood, waiting for the car’s reappearance so he could take photographic evidence of this asshole’s sheer assholitude. Local neighborhood maps riddled with red pins and concentric circles were posted on the walls of the apartment. For reasons we can't quite explain, Rickey even started referring to the living room as the "War Room." Determination paid off when finally, on Monday night, the nefarious Jeep Wrangler reappeared and Rickey ventured out to take the photo under cover of darkness.

We apologize for the slightly blurry nature of the image, but it’s difficult to hold a camera steady when your significant other is yelling Somone’s coming! Get back in the car!” Look, Rickey needed a wheelman for the job, and Ms. Henderson was as good a candidate as any—sorry to make you an accomplice sweetie. Until Monday night, Rickey had been unaware that NYS license plates have some kind of reflective coating that prevents flash photographs. So the getaway vehicle had to be pulled up behind this prick’s jeep to ensure proper lighting.

We realize that by posting this image, Rickey is venturing into murky legal waters. If one of Rickey’s lawyer buddies (of which he has roughly a bazillion) could let us know whether it’s legal to post photographs of New York State license plates on the Internet, that would be awesome. A simple “dude… posting pictures of licence plates… for personal amusement… within city limits… that ain’t legal dude” would suffice.

And now comes the hard part: deciding what to do about the fact that, for all intensive purposes, the sportsfan equivalent of Hitler lives a few doors down from Rickey. Currently, as we see it, our options range from:

A) Just letting it go


B) Knocking on this schmuck’s door, and stating “Hello, my name is Rickey and I'll be relentlessly kicking you in the genitals this evening while your wife and children look on in horror.”

We could go either way really. Rickey assumes the driver of this vehicle is a guy primarily because we’re not ready to accept the possibility that a member of the fairer sex is capable of being this much of a complete asshole. But to avoid being labeled sexist, we’ll admit that the possibility, however slim, does indeed exist. Nice car by the way cocksucker. Your Regan era Jeep Wrangler is undoubtedly the envy of 80’s high school students everywhere.

Rickey will keep you posted vis a vis what he decides to do. Frankly, we're of the mind that action must be taken, but if you feel like trying to convince Rickey to cease construction on the war crimes tribunal shack he plans on using on this fucker, you're welcome to do so in the comments section below.

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mr. met said...

I thought the internet was created for massive dissemination of porn…..

Also, that license plate is undeniable proof that the Yankee fans do care about the Mets.

How many times have we heard from the Mike and the Mad Dog show and every other Yankee fan that "Mets fans are upset that Yankee fans just do not care about the Mets". Far from it...they do care. If you say you do not care 1,000 times, chances are, you do care. If you take the time out of your day to get ‘H8METS’ as your vanity plate, you care.

And it's fun to hate one another. That is nothing to be ashamed of and good old fashioned hate is what our country is built upon.

Suzy said...

Hey, I'm a diehard Yankees fan who is a Democrat.

What do I win?

Rickey Henderson said...

You win an octoparrot. "Awk, Polly shouldn't be!"

George said...

Looking forward to seeing the blurry, dark photos of option B.

And then let's hope one of your many lawyer friends (maybe Mike of the Neighborhood--he has time on his hands since he barely blogs anymore) can defend you for free.

Anonymous said...

Hi! My name is Project 71. Weird name I know, but my masters are weird too. My masters also say that I'm a really interesting website. So why don't you consider reading what I am. Masters say it won't take you more than 22s to read. :) Enjoyy!

Rickey Henderson said...

This ladies and gentlemen, is when you've arrived in life. When your blog gets a spam ad for an online confessional.

JACC said...

Always go with B.

Dorky Dad said...

I'm a pacifist, for the most part. I hate violence, and believe that we as a society need to seek out peaceful solutions to our differences.

But I still think you should kick the guy in the nuts. And I'm not even a Mets fan.

Egan Foote said...

Hey Rickey - I know that site Project71... back when it was called PostSecret ( Unoriginal bastards.

Egan, out(ing the plagiarizers)