Thursday, October 2, 2008

Rickey Presents: The Vice Presidential Debate of Submisunderestimanation (AKA The Only Vice Presidential Debate Preview Worth Reading)

Hello, St. Louis and welcome to the Vice Presidential Debate! I’m Gwen Ifill, host of PBS’ “Washington Week” and I’ll be your moderator for this evening. I expect tonight’s debate to be an open and frank discussion on the unique challenges that we as a nation currently face, because ultimately, this is the best opportunity most voters will have to see the candidates speaking to the issues. But before we begin, I’d like to go over a few ground rules which will govern tonight’s proceedings:

Each vice presidential candidate will be allowed three minutes for an opening statement. Senator Biden, you’ve won the coin toss, so you’ll be going first. Feel free to kick things off with a long sustained primal scream. Governor Palin, remember that if the Senator from Delaware crosses the chalk line transecting the middle of the stage and threatens the welfare of the downs syndrome afflicted child you have hoisted proudly above your head, the debate rules allow you to tazer him to your heart’s content.

In an effort to maintain a civil tone, and after conferring with the FCC, we’ve put together a list of appellations which are strictly prohibited during this evening’s debate. These banned nicknames include but are not limited to: Sugartits, Old Balls, Backwoods Banshee, Windbag, Fertilla the Huntress, Rambler, Poor Man’s Eva Braun, Methuselah, Arctic Witch, Gene, Iditabroad, Cowardly Lion, and Caribou Barbie. For a complete listing of all banned nicknames, please refer to the handbooks located in your podiums, which also include detailed instructions on performing the Heimlich maneuver should one of you begin to choke on your own bile.

In order to enhance security measures Governor Palin, we have confiscated all your personal firearms. They will be returned to you at the conclusion of the debate. Senator Biden, you did not have any firearms that required confiscation, and we’re not entirely sure what you meant when you claimed that you “used to bulls-eye womprats in your T-16 back home.”

You’ll notice that we’ve provided each of you with a glass of water to drink from during the debate. The last thing we want is either of you getting parched. Senator Biden, if you wish to utilize your glass of water to perform a dramatic spit-take whenever Governor Palin leaves off the ‘g’ in her words or claims that proximity to Russia constitutes foreign policy experience, by all means, go right ahead.

Halfway through the debate, we will recess for a five minute commercial break. During that time, both the Democratic and Republican campaigns will air commercials proclaiming themselves the undisputed victors of the debate and urge viewers not to even bother voting in the upcoming election. Also, there will be a commercial for “HeadOn!”

During the debate, transmissions from hidden electronic devices are strictly prohibited. Yes, this also includes transmissions from Jesus, Governor Palin. So if you start speaking in tongues like DeNiro at the end of “Cape Fear,” I’m pulling the plug on the whole shebang, got it?

And now a brief word on dress code. Governor Palin, I see you have forsaken your usual moose pelt and have instead chosen to wear one of your signature Star Trek outfits to the debate. And are those John McCain’s war medals you have pinned on your chest? Excellent. Senator Biden, while I question your decision to dress up like a warlock, it is not prohibited by the current guidelines laid forth by the Commission on Presidential Debates. I assume you are wearing pants under that robe, yes?


Ah yes, Governor Palin I see you’ve discovered the soundboard that we’ve installed in your podium. In an effort to keep your statements impactful and intelligible, we’ve borrowed the sound effects board from the Z100 “Morning Zoo” and are encouraging you to make use of it throughout the debate. Each button is programmed to play certain buzz phrases such as: “liberal media elites,” “hard workin’ Americans,” and “nobody lays pipeline better than the J-Man!” Also, there’s a vast assortment of clown horn sound effects to pick from, should you feel so inclined. So there’s really no need for you to speak at all for most of the debate (in fact, for coherence’s sake, your handlers are discouraging it).

Excuse me, Senator Biden, please settle down. This does not constitute an unfair advantage for Governor Palin. As you’ll recall, this was the compromise we reached after your campaign vehemently demanded that we scrap the tractor pull/swimsuit competition portion of the debate.

Moving on, in the event of a fire occurring in the debate hall, please proceed in an orderly fashion to the nearest emergency exit. The debate will resume once firefighters have extinguished the remains of Ron Paul’s self-immolated corpse.

In the event of an earthquake, please quickly proceed to the nearest doorframe or similar load bearing fixture. During the earthquake, Governor Palin will be allocated two minutes to attempt to explain how rehabilitating the nation’s crumbling infrastructure fits in with the 21% spending freeze proposal that John McCain recently pulled out of his ass.

In the event of Jesus suddenly manifesting himself in the midst of the debate, each candidate will be allotted an extra three minutes to loudly exclaim "holy shit, it's Jesus!" and recant all their earthly transgressions. Following the airing of recantations, Jesus will escort the Governor of Alaska from the building and into the heavenly firmament above while the rest of us await our swift fiery retribution in an orderly fashion.

And this concludes the ground rules for this evening’s debate. Good luck, and please try not to say something so emotionally cripplingly stupid that it makes our viewers at home want to stab out their eyes with a pen. Yes, I’m looking at you, Gidget.


Update: For those looking for further amusement, today's McSweeney's post, "The Expectations Game" does a brilliant job of spoofing the lowered expectations talk we've been hearing from the campaigns in recent days leading up to tonight's debate. Enjoy the debate folks, and consider the comments section open for a fair and balanced discussion on tonight's festivities. We'll leave you with your hyper-partisan motivational quote of the day:

"Let's show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown" -Peter Venkman, "Ghostbusters"

[Vote for Rickey’s post at Humor Blogs]

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Mike said...

Outstanding, Rickey. My favorite line: "nobody lays pipeline better than the J-Man!"

Meanwhile, out of repect to the "concerns" of Michelle Malkin and the McCain team, you should include the following disclaimer from Ms. Iffil at the start of the debate: "As you may have noticed, I am an African-American woman. And because of that fact, and because I am writing a book about African-American politicians, this debate will be unfair. It will be my fault that Governor Palin comes across as the incurious moron she is. Now, to the questions . . ."

Rickey Henderson said...

You really have to wonder when the McCain camp will run out of non-issues to stage false outrage over...

The format of tonight's debate is loathsome by the way. Palin and Biden won't be talking directly to each other, only answering the moderator's questions.

Bob said...

Incredible post as always.

Deb said...

Regardless of the format, this evening provides the promise of one of the greatest evenings of entertainment on TV, ever, even surpassing such classics as old Ronald Reagan "Bonzo" reruns, Bill Clinton's "I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Woman" and of course, Richard Nixon's famous "I Am Not A Crook."

And then of course, there's George W's bit where he just can't seem to come up with any mistakes he may have made as President, nor can he think of anything he'd have done differently, knowing what he knows now, which is of course, less than he knew then, if he ever knew anything at all. :)

George said...

Forget about Jesus suddenly manifesting himself in the midst of the debate--a link to my blog suddenly manifested itself in the middle of the usual brilliant Rickey's entry!

It's a great day!

Adam said...

Palin Bear is back!

Doug at Taunt Vortex said...

I've never seen a debate moderator do a spit take, or have spontaneous uncontrolled belly laughter resulting from the response of one of the debate participants.

But I hear Vegas is giving odds that that could happen tonight...

And because of the miracle that is the internet (and YouTube), Sarah's performance can be viewed and reviewed with just a few easy clicks, for decades to come.

Is this a great country or what?

Jeff said...

I'm giddy with anticipation over tonight's debate (it is tonight, right?) In fact, my nipples are hard just thinking about it.

And thanks Rickey for my new favorite term for Palin... "Iditabroad." Brilliant!

Rickey Henderson said...

Adam: Indeed, Rickey's just going to polar bear images to represent her in the future. It amuses Rickey. Rickey tried photoshopping a army helmet on the Palin Bear, but sadly, it didn't look very good. Perhaps next time.

David said...

Myself is in awe of the magnificence of the post of Rickey today.

I too am planning to plagiarize the Iditabroad appellation.

upstate met fan said...

So, i was watching CNN (kinda of) and browsing the net at the same time and some analyst dude was talking about.."well if the McCain campaing has a year like the New York Mets had" ....I looked up and was amused. WOW!

The sexy polar bear will kick biden's ass!

Bob said...

Last night when Gwen Ifill introduced herself exactly as Rickey posted it, I could help but laugh out loud. My wife thinks I am mad, but it was worth the outburst.

muskrat said...

i think i would've actually watched your version. i had to miss the "real" one in order to play blackjack and drink 46 beers.