Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Your Weekly Political Rant: The “Cool Hand at the Tiller” Edition

We know, you’re thinking to yourself: “Hey Rickey, shouldn’t it be steady hand at the tiller?” And normally, it would be, if only John McCain had used the phrase properly in last night’s debate. But maybe we’re wrong about that (Rickey isn’t entirely up to speed on his medievalisms, you see). Also, we’re not entirely certain that a man who has crashed five U.S. aircraft should be bragging about possessing “cool hands” but that’s neither here nor there… Not that Obama was exempt from a few verbal gaffes of his own, most notably a phrase about “weatherizing” one’s house. But frankly, who cares? Rational people who aren’t intent on blowing us all sky high are allowed to make those sorts of errors. Overall, last night was a night to remember. A night of sterile talking points, dubious blame assignation, and the rampant use of colloquialisms. What does the practice of nailing Jell-O to a wall have to do with our economic crisis? Very little of course, unless you’re Bill Cosby and hellbent on winterizing your home with it in those cold winter months. And ye gods, are the people in Nashville dumb or what? Forget choosing a President, how are these people able to tie their shoes in the morning?

Friends, (if Rickey may borrow McCain’s pronoun of choice) there’s a massive difference between Sarah Palin’s homespun and down to earth style of speaking and John McCain’s. Palin excels at blathering in the modern day country manner of speaking. Her phrases conjure up thoughts of warm apple pies, deep fried turkey, and garish rustic wallpaper. McCain? Oh he’s homespun alright, but his mannerisms aren’t Country & Garden, they’re pure John Steinbeck. He traffics in codger speak. Weird, creepy, awkward, malevolent codger speak. And Obama? All he had to so was show up, sit down and be a cool cat while McCain wandered aimlessly about the stage. And then use that highfalutin liberal rhetoric of his to calmly hand John McCain his own ass. At this point, the McCain campaign is a wild ravenous beast that has tumbled off a cliff and is desperately clawing at every flimsy root on the way down. We almost feel a bit of sympathy for the guy: he clearly doesn’t want to end his political career by hitching his wagon to the Karl Rove populist iteration of the GOP. He’s not happy to be out there on the campaign trail at 72 years old selling this rehashed bullshit. You can read it in his face. And you’d better believe that when all this is said and done and John McCain fades from the political spotlight once again, he’s going to despise the Bushies even more for what they did to him in South Carolina in 2000. Is Rickey being overly optimistic? Perhaps, but we get the feeling that after last night's debate, an awful lot of Americans are going to be voting for "That One" come Election Day.

[Posted at Humor Blogs]

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11 comments:

Doug at Taunt Vortex said...

"Codger speak" - wicked funny!

I just hope McCain can get keep his senate job after he loses the Presidential election.

If his little "Not you" joke to Tom Brokaw is any indication, he'd royally suck at stand up comedy.

Smitty said...

What does the practice of nailing Jell-O to a wall have to do with our economic crisis?

I've tried to nail Jell-O to a wall once. I was nearly blindly hammered on absinthe and wanted to prove it could be done. And I will say it was much harder than nailing-down Obama's economic policy, which is spelled-out to the point of being idiot-proof.

how are these people able to tie their shoes in the morning?

I have never seen a group of people stumble so hard reading their own fucking questions off of a card right in front of them.

Matt said...

How many hours in a day does Rickey think about the election? He seems fascinated.

I read your posts rather than watch the debates.

Statler said...

Rickey--thanks to your awesome introduction of Coverit Live to my life, we've been liveblogging the fuck out of the debates over at http://closetmoderate.blogspot.com

Based on your (hilarious) reaction to this debate, you'd enjoy it. You should stop by some time (next debate?) and take in the sass.

unfinishedrambling said...

All I kept thinking when he said "My friends" was I'm not your friend, bitch.

And was it just me, but was that crowed except for a few black folks, who might as well have been white, the most glum and gloomy bunch of white people you've ever seen this or any side of the Mississippi? I loved the one white kid with glasses and a crewcut who looked like some member of a white supremacist group (uh, not that I'm stereotyping or anything).

Alex L said...

'He traffics in codger speak. Weird, creepy, awkward, malevolent codger speak.'

We always just get rhetoric, something like this 'blah blah blah working families, blah unemployment, yada yada yada'. Some incoherent old guy speak could be a welcome change.

Rickey Henderson said...

Doug: so you didn't enjoy McCain's scintillating joke about hair plugs? That man can headline Caroline's anytime!

Matt: Other than tuning into the debates and occasionally checking out a few blogs, Rickey doesn't spend much time at all fixated on politics. It's just something that happens to motivate Rickey to write. You'll find a plethora of people out there who are a helluva lot more plugged in than Rickey is. Rickey's just your average observer writing in with his reactions. Here endeth Rickey's nauseating modesty.

Unfinishedrambling: did you happen to catch the dude with the awesome caterpillar mustache? That guy's weird eye blinking kept Rickey transfixed for the entire debate.

Seriously, Nashville TN is home to some of the dumbest folks Rickey has ever beheld. The audience of the "Crusty the Clown" show would've come across as more politically astute.

Bob said...

I geard that the audience was told to not show emotion.

Mission accomplished. Those folks in TN can follow directions.

RMatlack said...

Rickey should dabble more in politics!!!

Rickey Henderson said...

Don't worry, it's politics from here on out. Rickey just doesn't have the heart to discuss the Manny Ramirez hot stove talk... Ugh.

Jeff said...

It's fun to read your blog and then watch Jon Stewart take off on your references. How long have you been working for him?