Monday, October 20, 2008

In Which Rickey Welcomes the Tampa Bay Rays to Major League Baseball

Well hello there Rays, Rickey is pleased to meet you. Rickey had very little idea that baseball was still being played, you see. What’s that? You’ve made it all the way to the World Series, you say? Well golly. You’ll have to pardon Rickey’s mild indifference. Sure, you’re cute now (we hear good things about this Longoria chap) but please don’t become insufferable. In other words, you need to stop with the cowbell shtick.

You see Rays, the time has now come to dispense with the “we're just happy to have made it this far” attitude, because while it may have amused the 10 folks who showed up for your regular season games, we can assure that this smug managing of expectations will not pass muster with Rickey. No, you gentlemen have a serious responsibility now: the complete and utter decimation of the Philadelphia Phillies. (What a long and bitter road it has been since the 2008 Mets Season first kicked off, eh?)

Now let’s get one thing straight: Rickey resents rooting for an American League team. Rickey digs NL style small ball—bunting, stealing, hit & runs, you know, the fundamental principles of the game of baseball, blah, blah, blah... Clearly, it would take something monumental to sway us from our commonplace postseason allegiance. And that something is the burning desire to see Jimmy Rollins get run over by a 10 ton mack truck. Repeatedly. And as much as Phillies fans would just love to tell you that the Phillies are a perpetually beleaguered underdog of a team, their four pennants since 1980 speak otherwise.

You want a few pieces of advice from Rickey? Introduce Shane Victorino to the joy of traveling via Florida taxi cabs (see: Sanchez, Duaner 2006). Whenever possible, try to hit a ball in the general direction of Ryan Howard and his catlike reflexes. Break out your Chase Utley voodoo dolls. And finally, perk up a bit, because recent history suggests that long rests absolutely kill playoff contenders (see: Rockies, 2007 & Tigers, 2006). You’ve clawed your way into the World Series and Rickey’s counting on you to stop the Phillies in their tracks. Go get ‘em.

[Posted at Humor Blogs]

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7 comments:

Adam said...

Rickey- a little factoid about our (beloved) TB Rays- they led all of MLB with 142 SBs during the regular season. They are a scrappy bunch that play small ball when necessary. They will match up quite well in the NL stadiums. And Philly is a nice place to hit HRs, which TB does very nicely as well!

Rays in 6!

Bee said...

All I know is that I hate football worse.

Always Home and Uncool said...

I thought things were bad when the Mets collapsed, but putting all my faith in the Rays, well ...here goes:

May Scott Kazmir no-hit their cheesesteaked asses.

Ah, better.

Joel B. said...

Just what the AL East needs...another good franchise to keep my Jays out of the playoffs.



Wonderful.

George said...

I think Victorino needs to drive that truck that runs over Rollins. Then he goes to jail for life. Let's see how much Flyin the Hawaiian does there.

Doug at Taunt Vortex said...

Rickey : I've cobbled together a thoughtful analysis of most likely winner of the Rays/Phillies World Series.

At the risk of shamelessly promoting my blog, check it out.

Brian H said...

Phills in five guys.

Bank it.

Then the real gloating begins...