Thursday, October 23, 2008

John McCain’s Last Hope: The Litigious Legion of Doom!

“In Florida, Democratic lawyer Charles H. Lichtman has assembled almost 5,000 lawyers to monitor precincts, assist voters turned away at the polls and litigate any disputes that can't be resolved out of court. ‘On Election Day, I will be managing the largest law firm in the country, albeit for one day,’ said Lichtman, 53, a Fort Lauderdale corporate lawyer and veteran of the five-week recount after the 2000 election when Florida eventually delivered the presidency to George W. Bush.” –Bloomberg News, 10/20/08

….Meanwhile in an undisclosed location, The Litigious Legion of Doom convenes to organize their nefarious scheme for hijacking the 2008 Presidential Election. Their mastermind leader, the vile Lex Luthor leads the meeting…

Lex Luthor: In space, in the sky, under water, and on land, we, the Litigious Legion of Doom will do whatever it takes to fight our way to world domination! Our latest scheme: to ensure that the McCain campaign reigns victorious in key battleground states. Now we’re working pro bono on this one, but rest assured, if things tilt in our favor the rewards will be innumerable. We’re talking tax breaks across the board, rampant deregulation, the wanton destruction of the environment, and that’s just the beginning, my villainous friends. Rest assured, this election may be mandated by statute but the results will be tailored by us, the Litigious Legion of Doom! Now, first, a quick background check: has everyone here attempted world domination at least twice in their career?

Legion: [in unison] YES!

Luthor: And is everyone here legally allowed to practice law in the states of Ohio, Florida, and Pennsylvania?

Legion: [in unison] YES!

Luthor: Excellent, let’s get down to business then. Now many of you may have heard that we lost the assistance of Mr. Myxyzptlk last week when Joe Biden tricked him into spelling his name backwards and forced him back into the fifth dimension.

Black Manta: Ah damnit, not again! What a putz…

Luthor: Yes, he does keep falling for that, doesn’t he… But really, what can anyone expect from a supervillain who flunked the Massachusetts Bar Exam twice? Nonetheless, our villainous cause perseveres! Riddler, give us an update on your evil scheme in Ohio!

Riddler: I have sent out delightful riddles to potential voters in Ohio. All who fail to answer my riddles correctly are automatically registered as Republicans! Riddle me this: two fathers and two sons go fishing. Each of them catches one fish. So why do they bring home only three fishes? Don’t know? Hah, then you’re a registered Republican!

Luthor: Most devilish! Captain Cold, report in on your evil plans for Florida.

Captain Cold: I have secretly deployed my Freeze Ray in key Democratic strongholds in the state of Florida! The icy blasts will slow voting lines to a crawl! Those sun-baked fools won’t know what hit them! And then, I shall file an injunction to purge minority votes!

Luthor: Marvelous! Scarecrow you magnificent fiend, how are you going to instill fear and keep voter turnout low and in our favor?

Scarecrow: I shall terrify voters with my fear toxin and images of 9-11! My fear tactics will surpass even the exalted Rudolph Giuliani!

Luthor: Truly fiendish! What other nefarious plans do we have in motion?

Solomon Grundy: This election day, the undead truly shall rise from their graves to vote in Bucks County, Pennsylvania! Then I shall file suit in Federal court to prevent any potential machine recounts! Solomon Grundy, born on a Monday…

Luthor: Wonderfully sinister! Who’s next?

Bizzaro: Me am Bizzaro Superman! Me am going to stomp Demo-cat turnout!

Luthor: Look, can someone please keep an eye on this Bizzaro guy while I’m out? He’s not exactly the most reliable member of the Legion, and he’s only a paralegal for christsakes… the man is mushuganah. Moving on, who else has villainous designs to thwart Mr. Goody Two Shoes Obama from winning this election?

Sinistro: I have successfully orchestrated mass jailbreaks across the nation! Poorly educated felons are flocking to the polls to vote for Sarah Palin as we speak! We shall be victorious!

Lex Luthor: Excellent! And now for a report from the field! Everyone direct your attention to the viewing screen, for we have our crazed robotic mad scientist, Brianiac, live from Michigan!

Brianiac: [garbled & staticky picture] Ack, I’m under attack! My brainwashing scheme has failed! The Wonder Twins, they laid a trap! Send lawyers, guns and money! Ack! [picture cuts out]

Luthor: Gorilla Grodd, quickly, go deal with this! And be careful, there have been reports of the Martian Manhunter in disguise near polling stations in the area!

Gorilla Grodd: Arrrrrrr! Puny Wonder Twins, they are no match for my psychic powers and incredible strength! It shall be a fight to the death! [charges out of room]

Luthor: Damnit people, do I have to remind everyone of the stakes here? The League of Superfriends is all over this election already. Batman & Robin are in it for their precious gay rights. Aquaman is fretting about the silly rising sea levels. Green Lantern is a strong supporter of funding alternative energy. Wonder Woman just wants to fly around in her invisible plane on the taxpayers’ dime. Do you fools want to see this happen? The creation of this so called Justice League is a threat to our very existence! What are we going to do about this?

Black Manta: I have successfully hacked into the network of voting machines! This election is ours!

Luthor: Uh, well done Black Manta, but the McCain campaign has already taken care of that one for us. In fact, I’m just now receiving word that John McCain is conceding all battleground states in order to focus entirely on winning via Diebold.

Legion of Doom: [chanting in unison] Live Strong, Die Bold!

Luthor: That’s what I like to hear. Great meeting everyone, we’ve made a lot of progress. I’ll see everyone next week at the team-building corporate retreat, and I hope the “trust fall” exercise goes more smoothly than it did last year. We will now proceed to close our meeting in customary supervillain form!

Litigious Legion of Doom: [standing up and chanting in unison] Drill, baby, drill! Drill, baby, drill! Drill, baby, drill! Drill, baby, drill!

[posted at Humor Blogs]

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Anonymous said...

I was sure Rickey would reveal the diebold conspiracy as McCain's "final solution".

Haley said...


Rickey Henderson said...

[Sound of crickets chirping]

Damn, you people really don't enjoy Hanna Barbara cartoons, do you?

Chat Blanc said...

I was thinking Lex and Joker would have been an interesting ticket. Although I would prefer Catwoman as the VP candidate, obviously.

Alex L said...

I always figured Grundy was a Democrat, just goes to show you doesnt it.

On a stupid side note, shouldnt bizarro have been unable to fly and been really weak... I mean if he's the opposite of superman.

Rickey Henderson said...

You're exactly correct Alex, but the Hanna Barbara version of the Justice League isn't exactly canon in the DC universe. (Yes, Rickey's is a bit of a geek).

the legionnaire formerly known as the frogster said...

Nice. The Scarecrow always gave me the heebie-jeebies, and still does with his toxic 9-11 talk. Bizarro always tripped me out too, though Alex does make a valid point. An evil Superman, boy, it doesn't get much worse.

I forgot completely about Black Manta.

My sister used to want to play Wonder Twins with me but I would always say, "Shape of a Three-Toed Sloth" and lie back down on the couch.

Sassdawg. said...

Does anyone remember the episode of In Living Color where if I'm not mistaken, it was a Vera DeMilo sketch and she's fighting a character played by Keenan Ivory Wayans. One of Keenan's lines is that he is a member of the Hanna Barbarians.


Anonymous said...

McCain is still the penguin, right?

Anonymous said...


Should The top management of the Public listed company be responsible for the company performance, eg company nearly get wind up?

Are you a Partisan?

Should they give their view......? If any party did not give their views, send it to their supporter to question them....

viagra online said...

McCain had to be in this legion since a long time ago. He is insupportable, I hate him specially because he is racist, so I agree to include him here.