Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Henry Paulson to Wall Street: "Nothing is Fucked Here Dude"

Alright you Gordon Gecko shithead wannabes, listen and listen good: nothing is fucked here. I'm working on this. I got this shit, so everybody chill the fuck out, ok? Just in case you hadn't noticed, I've been laboring pretty goddamned hard on this, but you reckless pricks need to step up and return the favor. $1.2 trillion lost in one day ain't exactly good for anyone, you dig? I've got Jim Kramer FedExing me bags of dog shit and I've got five kids to feed, one of whom just started reading "The Wealth of Nations." You honestly believe I've got time for your fickle cocksuckerey? You think I enjoy being this year's Michael Brown? Horatio Sanz is playing me on this weekend's Saturday Night Live and that fat fuck doesn't even look anything like me. Shit.

I'm not sure how much you ungrateful little shits are aware of all the work I've been doing, so let me break it down for you. For the past two weeks, I've been waking up at 5:30AM, doing some light self flagellation, pouring myself a stiff libation, and then hopping in a limo bound for the Capitol Building. And you know who greets me there? Some of the most misanthropic and twisted fuckheads ever to roam the planet. For days I've slaved at banging out a compromise with these backwards lunatics. I get to spend Rosh Hashanah with Harry Reid watching "Fiddler on the Roof," and the man's not even Jewish for christsakes. He just likes the dancing. Ever try explaining to Barney Frank that he's going to have to cut back on daily intake of Cambodian boys in order to help fund a bill? Or trying to convince Nancy Pelosi that she shouldn't kick off a vote on the House floor by reading a section from "Robbie Has Two Daddies" aloud? Shit, the McCain camp had to suspend all campaign activities once again in order to stage a sock puppet theater show to explain to Sarah Palin how thirty year mortgages work.

And you dollar worshipping egomaniacs don't get to act all cute and blameless in all this. You fucks thought it would be a great idea to give a mcmansion to Roy the peg legged janitor. What in the hell does Roy need a five car garage for? That sorry fuck rides a lawnmower to work. But no, all you cared about were your profit margins. You immoral bastards care about two things: money and sticking large inanimate objects up your asses. You'll go to St. Vincents to have that fully articulated Lionel model locomotive removed from your asses and you'll still be out in time to make the opening bell next morning. What in the hell is government regulation going to do for twisted pricks like you?

So hang fucking tight, morons. When that bell goes off this morning, I want to see one thing and one thing only from you: calmness. I see the Dow so much as drop a fraction of a point, I'm coming down there and using every economic tool at my disposal to jam my fist up your collective asses. Everybody got it? Good. Paulson, out.

[Posted at Humor Blogs]

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22 comments:

Alex L said...

You have to respect a man that can say fuck so many times when speaking about fiscal management!

Bob said...

"You have to respect a man that can say fuck so many times when speaking about fiscal management!"

...and talk about numerous objects in various individuals asses and having it be funny everytime.

Rickey Henderson said...

Rickey has long believed that economics and anal fisting make a dynamite combination.

Deb said...

Rickey, I can barely type, I'm lmfao so badly here. LOL

I have in fact forwarded the link to this post to a few choice friends, whom I know will appreciate Rickey's wonderful combination of the sublime, the ridiculous, the just plain silly, the just plain vulgar and the just plain sublimely ridiculous silly brand of vulgarity that Rickey practices oh, so well. :)

Mark said...

Just be careful not to bark your knuckles on that toy train.

Jeff said...

This is classic Rickey. How low has he sunk indeed when they have to call up Horatio Sanz to play him? But then again not just any old douche bag gets Darrell Hammond you know.

And "the McCain camp had to suspend all campaign activities once again in order to stage a sock puppet theater show to explain to Sarah Palin how thirty year mortgages work." cracked me up. All I can say is it's a good thing she's got Jesus on her side cause she's gonna need him tomorrow!

Jonny's Mommy said...

I feel like laughing would be so wrong with so many swear words in this post, but seriously....I could imagine Paulson saying all this.

Did you see the image of him on the cover of Newsweek?

he looked like a member of the Nazi party or something.

RMatlack said...

haha! Great post...

Is anyone else finding it impossible stop watching the Palin interviews. I can't tell which ones are SNL skits and which ones are legit.....either way I laugh through them all.

Adam said...

Secretary of the Treasury Sam Kinison was a pretty good fiscal manager too. God, I miss his ability to keep the markets in check.

Doug at Taunt Vortex said...

Sarah is still pretty sure that a "dead cat bounce" is something that happens when you go hunting.

David said...

It is such a riot to see Paulson interviewed on the Sunday morning political talk shows. I am mesmerized the way he flicks his tongue out lizard-like across his lips every time he ends a statement.

I love the way that Rickey captures the topics and sentiments so well that most think are only matters cared about inside the DC beltway or within the boundaries of the island of Manhatten.

How did Rickey get so misplaced in Baton Rouge?

Smitty said...

Rickey has long believed that economics and anal fisting make a dynamite combination.

I want that as the headline, top-of-the-fold, on the Wall Street Journal tomorrow.

Bex said...

Well played, Sir!

blaine_fridley said...

fuck. why i haven't i visited in so long? i hate myself. well, not really. i actually love everything about being me. anyway, i should visit more often.

you've just been linked:
www.diaryoffools.com

Rickey Henderson said...

Jeff: you mean Thursday. (although Rickey totally shares your excitement for the VP debate and wishes it was tomorrow).

David: the gumbo is good and the folks are nice. How can Rickey go wrong?

Smitty: Sadly, that Murdoch stooge Robert Thomson refuses to return Rickey's calls.

Blaine: well then, it's good to be you then, isn't it?

weesle909 said...

Holy shit Rickey scared Wall Street! A 485 pt rise on the Dow!

Do it again, do it again!

muskrat said...

Damnation. This is why I read "humor blogs" each day! Part of me is glad the Mets' season is over!

Jinksy said...

Give them hell, Rickey.

If someone twisted, mentally unstable fuckhead is gonna listen to anybody, its gonna be you (they listen to).

renalfailure said...

Ben Bernanke needs your teeth for the federal reserve...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npP73QIApFE

julius bloop said...

nothing is fucked? the goddamn plane has crashed into the mountain!!!

The Acorn King said...

I think America needs to have a big ebay auction to get out of our debt. Btw...what's up with the frown on my NY post, I know you're a Mets fan, but I had a pic of my boy Willy Randolph on there!

Rickey Henderson said...

Rickey's all for auctioning off Alaska to the Saudis on EBay for $30 trillion. Let them handle things for a change.

The non-smiley face was a grave error, friend. Rickey doesn't hate you nearly enough to spend the time affixing an upside down smiley face next to your post.