Thursday, December 6, 2007

Your Almighty Update

Hey look kids; you too can achieve peace of mind by securing your very own spot in heaven! Rickey always suspected that Heaven was essentially a country club, and now we’ve got concrete evidence to back it up. It’s the thrilling new website: Reserve a Spot in Heaven (dot com). Behold, a flowchart explaining the whole process:

If we’re reading this colorful diagram correctly, they’re essentially a friendly intermediary/banker between you and God. Mmmm, now that’s good sacrilege. Aren’t you comforted to know that you can continue living a sin filled life and simply buy your way into that heavenly firmament in the sky?

And as far as we can tell, this thing is legit (albeit very tongue-in-cheek). They’re taking payment via Visa, Mastercard, and PayPal. Rickey even found a link on PayPal’s website where the site owner is asking for some technical support. Um, sorry buddy, but Rickey kind of doubts that the help desk people over there can tell you whether or not St. Peter will accept PayPal.

Rickey enjoys this site because it’s wonderfully blasphemous and self aware of it (we hope) and is certain to rile up all the Christian nut jobs out there. We give this site about another week before Pat Robertson is on his soapbox calling for the Better Business Bureau to shut it down. Therefore, Rickey recommends that you go ahead and spend the $24.95 on your very own V.I.P. Pass to the Land of Milk & Honey. It’ll rile up the religious jackass demographic, and hey, it’s infinitely better than an eternity of endless suffering in the fiery abyss.

Best. Christmas Gift. Ever.

Stumble Upon Toolbar


Smitty said...

As a catholic boy, I remember learning of the time when the Pope encouraged his priests to essentially sell spots in heaven.

This continued for centuries. I remember my grandma still firmly believing you could buy a spot.

Good times.

Haley said...

So you could buy a single ticket to see Hannah Montana in concert, OR get 17 souls into the Great Beyond.

Why wasn't this on Oprah's Favorite Things List?

And just to fill out the "Let's Get Ricky More Google Hits From Suburban Soccer Moms" Bonanza, new research says a daily afternoon margarita cures cellulite, stretch marks, and makes your children more lovable.

George said...

But how many afternoon margaritas does it take to get into heaven?

Deb said...

Drunk on margaritas by noon? That IS heaven in this stay-at-home-mom's book.

Does Rickey own the site in question? It seems very Rickey-like.

Rickey Henderson said...

No, but Rickey is seriously considering starting up a similar site: "Reserve a Spot in Hell." You know, for the kids.

Joel B. said...

That's awesome.

BTW, Rickey, I really hope you return to my site.

Rickey Henderson said...

Rest assured Joel: as long as there are crummy church signs worthy of ridicule, Rickey shall return.

mr. met said...

Praise Jebus!

What cannot be overlooked is the top notch graphic design. These things are so aesthetically you could seriously hang that shit up on the wall next to your degree.

Lord Likely said...

It is a well-known fact that heavens is just full of the rich and the wealthy.

God himself no longer resides there, however, having invested all the cash into buying a small island in the Caribbean.

Ed the Gent said...

That is indeed a curious website. it appears they don't take too kindly to my sort: you know, Hutterites.

Rickey, thank you for your kind words. I have to say that, as a devout Mets fan, I have long viewed your card playing incident with Bobby Bonilla during the NLCS as a wholly impudent and ungentlemanly act. But it would impudent of me to overlook your incomparable style, speed, and jheri curls. You are a Gentleman Champion in the pantheon of genteel champs (alongside Charles Oakley, Todd Hundley, God Shammgod and the dearly departed Milledge, among others).

Stay chivalrous,


Pope Terry said...

Smitty said "As a catholic boy, I remember learning of the time when the Pope encouraged his priests to essentially sell spots in heaven."

Ah the god old days, we used to have a steam room and a spa at the Vatican now we have to go to the club for those things. It was so much easier when you could pay for salvation... you know like you can do with Benny Hinn.

Anonymous said...

Maybe the makers of this site should get there own direct entry into hell. After all that is where sinners go for stealing right.. They stole this idea.. It was ours to start with. Go check ou the orginial and best

Anonymous said...

HAHAHA, stolen? Look at your website man, and compare it to, in no way do they compare. Personally I would trust reserveaspot's as they are 'directly affiliated' with the big guys up 'there' and it looks like your website was pulled out of an 8th grade design class.