Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Your Weekly Christmas Update: The "I was Drinking Heavily When I Wrote This" Edition.

Is it just Rickey or does the practice of decorating a Christmas tree seem a little gay to anyone? And no, we don’t mean that in a derogatory way or anything, it’s just that the nancing around a tree and festooning it with shiny objects just seems a little… gay. That’s all we’re saying. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. And not that Rickey is above reproach on the issue (Rickey watches “Pushing Daisies,” for christsakes…)

See, when it comes time to break out the glittery tree ornaments and flamboyant lights, Rickey transforms into quite the raging homosexual. But that’s ok, because as far as we can tell, that’s what the whole holiday spirit is all about… Going gonzo for garland.

Correct us if we’re mistaken, but Christmas wasn’t always a sparkly frivolous holiday. According to the original version of the Christmas fable, Santa Claus was essentially a winged demon who terrorized Serbian Villagers by sneaking down their chimneys and then proceeding to rape, steal, and generally terrorize Baltic townspeople. Kind of like Cthulhu. If we remember correctly, he kind of looked like this:

*Note: your recollection of Christmas lore may differ slightly from Rickey’s.

And then somehow, religious institutions and various corporations got their hands on the holiday and transformed it into what it is today: sparkly, jubilant, and absolutely fabulous. Call us crazy, but we kind of like the old timey version a little better—it added a bit of excitement to the month of December.

But lest you mistake Rickey for a Grinch, we can assure you that despite Rickey’s occasional rants, he does rather enjoy the Christmas holiday in it’s current iteration. Yep, we’re big hypocrites like that. What happens is that Rickey starts off the month of December being completely uninterested in Christmas, but then, kind of like in "Highlander," he consumes the festivity of others in order to get into the holiday spirit. And then before we even know it, Rickey inexplicably finds himself making sweet sweet love to a Douglas Fir.

Anyhow, in case you were interested, behold, Rickey’s remarkably non-heterosexual Christmas tree!

Huzzah for Snowflake Ornaments!

And look, balls!

We said to ourselves: you know what this tree needs? A fucking dragonfly, that’s what!

And a glittery butterfly! Look for a unicorn next year!

And grapes! Sparkly grapes! What do grapes have to do with Christmas? Nothing, goddammit!

And penguins! Gay penguins! You know, the kind that James Dobson warned us about!

And last but certainly not least:

Now that is genuinely heartwarming. We're not big on product placements in our Christmas trees, but Rickey is proud of that ornament nontheless.

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Smitty said...

It is so relieving to know that the Smittys are not alone in their "what the fuck does that have to do with Christmas" Christmas Tree Ornaments. A seahorse. A dragon. A fish.

Mark said...

I like the idea of fusing "Highlander" with Christmas. It would make the "feats of strength" during Festivus look sissified by comparison.

"Thanks for the socks Granny. There can be only one!" And then you chop off her head to the rocking (and seasonally gay) music of Queen. m.

Rickey Henderson said...

Smitty, Rickey is glad to have found a kindred soul! Next Christmas: two dolphins fucking!

Mark, indeed, "There Can Be Only One!" Rickey loves the idea of stealing other's Christmas spirit kind of like Highlander.

George said...

I sure hope you put the Mr. Met ornament on a strong branch. I hear that the 2007 version starts high up the tree but falls suddenly and dramatically right near the day itself.

Deb said...

Ha! You said balls.

Toasty Joe said...

Know what's gayer than decorating a Christmas tree? Taking pictures of your decorated Christmas tree for your blog.

I kid, I kid.

Toasty Joe said...

Incidentally, I'm looking forward to digitally enhancing the photo of Rickey's bookshelf so I can see what Rickey's reading nowadays. I'm hoping it's about 60% whacking material.

I kid again, I kid again...

Rickey Henderson said...

George--the 2007 version actually spontaneously combusts and sets fire to the entire tree.

Toasty--it was either this or pictures of Rickey's nether region decorated with ornaments.

Rickey Henderson said...

60% printed wacking material? Nah, Rickey has this thing called high speed internet. It's far superior.

Rickey keeps an ecclectic mix of reading material in that bookcase. It ranges from "Remains of the Day" to a hardbound collection of Batman cartoons.

Zoinks, he said. said...

You're right. My recollection of Christmas lore is different. I was in a christmas play this year, and I got to be the Krampus. He's this friendly little asskicker here:

I also like the idea of Black Rupert throwing the bad little boys and girls in the river.

"Merry Christmas, you little bastards!"

Toasty Joe said...

Not so fast, Rickey. My crack staff has enhanced the picture of the bookshelf, and this is what we found:

"Remains of the Day," indeed. Nice try.

AmyV said...

Wow. I mean, I'm a member of the tribe and everything, so I'm not really up on my ancient Christmas lore or anything, but I'd never heard that one before. Usually it's the Jews who are portrayed as the child-killers and the like.

AmyV said...

By the way, your grammar and spelling is quite good for a drunk.

Rickey Henderson said...

Spellcheck on blogger is a wonderful thing Amy... Rickey also edits his drafts the morning after he writes them up.