Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Rickey's Holiday Shopping List

As we've mentioned previously, Rickey absolutely despises shopping for Christmas gifts. Sartre says that the purpose of giving a gift is to enslave the recipient. That’s a nice idea and everything, but we here at RwR like to take that theory a step further. Rickey believes that giving a gift is just another opportunity to be a gigantic schmuck. See, if Rickey is going to be stuck in a lousy mall for several goddamn hours, you’d better believe the gift he purchases you will be intended to amuse him more than you. So with that in mind, here are a few shitty gifts items that Rickey’s friends and loved ones stand a legitimate chance of receiving this Christmas.

A slide whistle. Don’t like your shiny new slide whistle? Too goddamn bad. At least you now have a means of musically expressing your sadness. With a slide whistle!

A pirate spyglass. Yep, it’s a completely useless gift and the whole “talking like a pirate” craze is no longer funny (nor was it ever). Therefore, Rickey has decided to give this to you. Use it to spy on your neighbors in good health. Avast mateys, shitty gift ho!

Ugh, Mad Magazine’s "Mad About Star Wars," Rickey shivers at just the cover... Rickey despises Mad Magazine because it’s insipid and flat out unfunny. So guess what? Rickey has decided that you’re getting this massively shitty book.

A leatherman tool. Is there a more worthless Christmas gift someone could ever purchase for a dude? As best as Rickey can figure, people buy these things for men because it’s socially expected that men need this boring worthless tool solely because they’re men. It’s like saying “hey Bob, your penis kind of works so here you go: a leatherman!”

The talking Dennis Miller action figure. Mind numbingly shitty and annoying, this talking doll gag gift is a sure fire way to enrage its recipient. Look for one in your stocking this Christmas morning. Now Rickey doesn’t mean to go off on a rant here, but the giving of this gift ensures a catatonic look from its recipient similar to that on the Yul Bryner robot from “Westworld” when he blew a headpipe and iced Marcus Welby's assistant. Chi-chi! …whatever the fuck that means.

Hey kids, did you want that snazzy new first person shooter for the Playstation 3 this winter? Well too fucking bad. You’re getting a shitty educational game instead. Enjoy assuming the role of Lyndon Johnson in “Escalation: The Vietnam War Simulation.” Don’t worry about not having beefy system specs, it totally runs on Windows 3.1!

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Anonymous said...

A pirate spyglass?

But I don't want to be a pirate!

Rickey Henderson said...

Tough shit cupcake, you're a fucking pirate.

Deb said...

Please let your friends and family know that I would be delighted to take the slide whistle off their hands. I have a pack of dogs and a 17-month-old (which is sort of like having another dog) who would delight in its musical stylings.

George said...

Anything but the Dennis Miller doll!!! I hear it spouts lines from Bordello of Blood!

AmyV said...

Oh, I can think of SO many people the Dennis Miller doll would annoy the shit out of. Myself included, but then maybe I could sell it on eBay.