Monday, December 3, 2007

Rickey's Monday Musings

Laugh, monkeys, laugh! (We're convinced that given adequate time and funding, the lolcat could solve world hunger). Anyhow, Rickey was overjoyed to awaken this morning to icy road conditions and traces of snow on the ground. And no, that’s not sarcasm—we feel that fishtailing builds character. And so winter unofficially begins. While watching NBC’s Today Show, Rickey was subjected to an Al Roker news segment concerning an upcoming snow storm in the Midwest that he described as a “Double Barrel Backdoor Storm Front.” Ok, we’re not meteorologists or anything, but that’s got to be a made up phrase, right? Is this one of the perks of being a weatherman? That you get to completely fabricate meteorological terms and get away with it? Look, clearly Al Roker has a very demanding life being the nation's most visible weatherman, writing brilliant missives on the quirks of life and barbecue, acting as poster boy for the wonders of gastric bypass surgery, and maintaining a high-concept website. But this does not entitle the Rokester to simply make up meteorological terms just because Mother Nature has gone batshit crazy in recent years. This is where we draw the line. Al Roker’s reign of terror must be stopped.

(And while we’re whining, why does Anne Curry still insist on wearing clothes?) Anyhow, Rickey promptly flipped off the TV after the mention of the mythical “Double Barrel Backdoor Storm Front,” enjoyed his morning coffee and proceeded to drive to work. We’re not entirely certain why, but ever since Rickey quit smoking, Rickey finds himself standing a lot when he should be sitting. Particularly when in his office and on the phone. We have no idea why, but if the phone rings, Rickey will answer it and proceed to take the call standing up. The only thing missing from this picture is someone polishing Rickey’s loafers while he conducts business. Is this an unforeseen side effect of Rickey’s smoking cessation medication, Chantix? We were fine with the uncontrollable flatulence and the frequent night terrors involving fiery cobras, but this whole standing up thing seems a little excessive.

Some of you newbies might not be aware, but once upon a time, this site did start off as a Mets blog. Then shit got weird. So we feel obliged to briefly discuss (read: rant about) the fact that Lastings Milledge is no longer a member of the New York Metropolitans. Yep, they traded Milledge. We know, you’re probably saying, “so he was part of a blockbuster deal for Johan Santana, right?” Well no, not exactly... In the first of Omar Minaya’s many attempts to wave the white flag on the 2008 season before it even begins, ‘Midge was traded for Ryan Church and Brian Schneider. Yep, Omar tossed away the Mets’ best trading chip for a mediocre catcher and a so-so outfielder. You thought the Kazmir for Zombrano trade was ridiculous? Wrong. This fucking stings (pun intended) even worse. The only way any of this could possibly make sense is if Schneider is secretly Dominican.

And just so you’re not caught unaware, Rickey is warning you Mets fans now: Livian Hernandez is next. We’d advise jumping ship now but if you’re still following the Mets after their epic September clusterfuck, frankly, you’re well beyond our help. (Not that Rickey is jumping ship or anything. Whenever possible Rickey encourages people to give up on the Mets, primarily because a bandwagon exodus in 2008 means that it's easier to find good seats at Shea).

One more item for you folks to mull over: absinthe is now totally legal in the U.S. Apparently it has been for a few months now. We just thought you’d like to know that… Thank you very much, U.S. Food and Drug Administration! Tainted meats & produce still continue to sneak undetected past your watchful eye, but a 150 proof alleged hallucinogen passes muster with flying colors! Evidently the Green Fairy Lobby is stronger than anyone had previously suspected. Also, did you know that during the Dreyfus Affair in France in the 1890s, when the French right wingers considered Jews a threat to their rule, absinthe was denounced as a “tool of the Jews.”? True story. Indeed, we make a point of being aware of our libational cultural heritage here at RwR. So really, absinthe would make a great addition to your upcoming Hanukkah festivities. Right next to your Ford Model T and Mickey Mouse figurines! Because he’s feeling downright jewtacular, Rickey will delve further into Hanukkah tomorrow with a post inaugurating the first night of The Festival of Lights. Consider yourselves adequately warned.

Stumble Upon Toolbar

10 comments:

Smitty said...

Smitty had some home-made absinthe at a hunting club in Northern Michigan 3 years ago. I went temporarily blind and woke up on a beach in San Diego. I had no idea how much time pased.

Smitty firmly and vigorously endorses absinthe if you can't find a good beer.

Rickey Henderson said...

Pretty sweet. Got any tips on where to get a complete absinthe serving set? For some odd reason, William Sonoma doesn't stock 'em.

Haley said...

For all your stocking stuffer needs...

http://www.absinthebuyersguide.com/

Deb said...

To quote another brilliant blogger, "Good lord, is that a lolcat? Did you just resort to using a lolcat?"

Rickey Henderson said...

Valid point deb, but when Rickey uses a lolcat, it's in a very meta and snarky way. The lolcat, in other words, is not sincere. You see how that works?

Soup said...

watch out for that Schneider/Estrada catcher combo!

George said...

Can we call the catcher combo "Schnada"?

You can always get all the absinthe stuff if France. Gives you an excuse to go there.

Diesel said...

Wasn't Jenna Jameson in "Double Barrel Backdoor Storm Front"?

Diesel said...

Oh, and WTF is up with that Al Roker website? Is he supposed to be some kind of renaissance man now?

Pope Terry said...

I know of Al Roker but i havent seen him much, is he annoying as that weather guy on good morning america with Diane Sawyer, god i hate that crappy banter they always do after a story. "So 600 poeple dead, terrible... just like the weather" Diane may or probably not have said this.