Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Happy Hanukkah from Rickey

In case you were unaware, Hanukkah commences tonight at sundown. So hello, obligatory holiday themed post. Rickey is sometimes accused of being a “self-loathing Jew,” which is odd, because

a) Technically, Rickey isn’t Jewish. And,

b) Rickey totally loves himself (hey, what’s not to love?)

And before you call Rickey a bigot for occasionally poking fun at Jews (specifically, Shawn Green) we’d like to point out that he does look rather Jewey, so everything is totally cool.

Rickey pokes fun at tribesmen/women because he takes issue with a whole laundry list of things: the Yenta Culture, the plain-jane holidays, the controlling of Hollywood, and the black pants. Not to mention those pesky horns. Perhaps we’d enjoy the holiday more if Rickey hadn’t received his fair share of crappy Hanukkah gifts as a kid: the savings bonds, the wooden tops, the 1986 commemorative coins, the Cross Pen sets... But that’s what we got. Not that Rickey’s a materialistic prick, but we just feel if you’re going to buy (or make) someone a gift, you damn well better put some thought & time into it. Otherwise, what’s the point? That’s the problem Hanukkah in its current form poses: it encourages a plethora of exceedingly crappy presents.

And don’t bother explaining the shtick about the magic lamp that stayed lit for eight days, because Rickey is well aware that the holiday was originally created to celebrate a military victory by the Jews over Hellenistic Civilization. And you know what? We kind of like Hellenistic Civilization. They gave us the Library of Alexandra, philosophy, mathematics, professional wrestling, and diners. Sorry gang, but Rickey has to side with the Greeks on this one. So pardon us if we’re not really on board with the whole Hanukkah thing at the moment. Some might argue that all this would provide a steep challenge for someone writing a Hanukkah themed post, but we’ll give it a shot the best we can.

Therefore, in no particular order, Rickey will list the things he enjoys about Hanukkah:

1) Latkes. Seriously, have you tried these things? They’re like kosher hash browns. And you have the option of putting either sour cream or applesauce on them. But not both. Never both.

2) Brisket. You know, tender, thin sliced, and hot out of the oven. Just like your Jewish grandmother used to make. Assuming your Jewish grandmother was hell-bent on slowly killing you with the fattiest meat known to mankind. But it certainly does taste good.

3) Kugel. We have no idea what Kugel is and we don’t care. It’s the fucking balls. By the way, are you noticing a trend here?

4) Chicken Livers. Yeah, we know, grossssssssss. Except they’re not, and you’re too much of a philistine to try ‘em.

5) Getting belligerently drunk on Manichewitz wine and attempting to answer the age old question of “how the fuck do you spell this ancient Khanukkah word?” before the night is out.

6) Gathering with family and friends for some much needed levity. Have you been to the mall lately? By Rickey’s count, there are about 75 million unhappy assholes running around right now, jockeying for prime parking spots in their humongous SUVs. Forget the Hanukkah ceremonies and the Maxwell House instructional pamphlets for a second. You’re meeting up as a group for some cheer and merriment. In our current day and age, that in itself is cause for celebration. It’s a mitzvah, people.

Rickey’s doing Hanukkah with Ms. Henderson’s family this Saturday evening (right after he picks up a Christmas tree) but has no idea how to properly celebrate the first few nights of the holiday. Therefore, Rickey will be inaugurating the first night of Hanukkah the only way he knows how: with massive gelt consumption and with a nonstop David Schwimmer movie marathon. We're talking all his best hits: from "The Pallbearer" to "Since You've Been Gone"!!!

And oh yes, gelt. What better way to enjoy The Festival of Lights than by eating candy that perpetuates Jewish stereotypes? Maybe we'll play some Monopoly later on in the evening and pull off the Jewish stereotype trifecta! (or "jewfecta," if you will). Furthermore, if we’re reading the Wall Street Journal correctly, the value of the U.S. Dollar has slid in recent years and is now extremely weak against gelt and other chocolate based forms of currency. (The greenback is trading like shit against the Mayan cocoa bean). Therefore, Rickey recommends gelt as the cornerstone of any strong investment portfolio*.

*h/t to Adam for the gelt/U.S. Dollar funny.

Against his better judgment, Rickey thought he’d wrap things up with a video of the latest addition to his apartment. Behold, Latke Larry! He sings! He dances! He kvetches! He kvells! Trust us, an animatronic Hanukkah doll voiced by Jerry Stiller gets old as quickly as you’d think it would. And this is why it will make for an excellent Hanukkah gift Saturday evening for some poor unsuspecting fool. Sing us out, Latke Larry!

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Adam said...

Fantastic work! Happy Hanukkah to you too, you fake-ass Jew.

My financial advisor tells me to move my assets into gelt as the US dollar is progressively weakening.

George said...

As they say, what's good for the gelt is good for the gelding.

Sorry, I'm a goy.

AmyV said...

You're not Jewish? No freakin' way! You totally Jew-faked me. (If that's not a real phrase, it should be.)

I really, truly thought you were an MOT.

AmyV said...

Oh, and I actually bought some crappy gelt today. Felt totally ripped off, ironically.

Rickey Henderson said...

Well Rickey's dad is Jewish, so Rickey considers himself an honorary Jew.

Alex said...

here's how rickey's brother will be celebrating chanananukaakkah in the deep south:


the frogster said...

I'm gonna guess, from your "Cool things about Hanukkah" list, that Rickey likes any holiday during which he gets to eat too much.

Deb said...

Wow. Times must be rough for Jerry.

Pope Terry said...

Wow sounds like your getting drucnk and then consuming chicken liver in the vain attempt that the extra filtration power will make you some sort of super man... or am i missing the point of the holiday

Smitty said...

I never really understood Hanukkah. Thank you for the clarification.

Rickey Henderson said...

No problem--glad to clear up any confusion you might have had Smitty.

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