Thursday, January 15, 2009

Rickey's Guide to the Presidential Inauguration

--Spine tinglingly awesome image via Getty.

[below follows a handy compilation of tidbits and anecdotal advice for those considering making the pilgrimage down to Washington D.C. for the Presidential Inauguration]

So Rickey, this inauguration thing, what's it all about?

Every four or eight years, the nation attempts to wipe it's collective memory of all the vices and superfluities of the previous administration with a big flashy display. Think of it as one massive PDA from the nation to itself. Crowds gather, doves fly, Aaron Copland is played, and it is generally agreed upon by the public that it is a good day for enthusiasts of representative Democracy.

So why has it been eight years and not four since we last witnessed an inauguration?

Because democracy only works in countries full of smart people. The 2000 and 2004 elections have done a terrific job of justifying our need for a dictator.

Gosh, you really don't like this Bush guy, do you?

On the contrary, Rickey's got no beef with him. He's not a warped and evil man. If he was he'd be a helluva lot more interesting, like Nixon. No, Bush's problem is that he's a dullard: an incurious man who ambled his way into history. He's the political version of John McClane--the wrong guy at the wrong place at the wrong time. He's a guy who didn't bother asking complex questions at key moments and whose laziness resulted in the loss of fundamental rights, wealth, and lives. But hey, it's not like we toss our citizens in jail for that sort of thing, right? Oh wait, we do? Oops. Somebody should probably look into that.

So this Obama fellow who's going to be sworn in, he's an improvement over the last guy?

That remains to be seen. He speaks in long sentences but his ideas are concise. He's a bit of a dork but his wife is pretty hot. He works out a lot but he smokes. Dude's complicated.

I'm thinking about hopping in the car and driving down to D.C. on the day of inauguration. The traffic on the beltway loop should be light and easily navigable, yes?

Not exactly. You know the opening scene of "Falling Down"? Think something along the lines of that, with a few Hieronymus Bosch creatures tossed in for good measure. Don't be overly surprised if you see Michael Stipe walking past your car singing "Everybody Hurts."

Ok, so I'll take the train. I'm solid, right?

Until you hit the D.C. Subway system yes. At that point you're in for a bit of trouble, as the transit authority is warning of "crush level" crowds in the subways. Rickey has few rules in life, but when a mass transit advisory conjures up images of Luke, Leia, Chewbacca and Han trapped in the trash compactor in "Star Wars," Rickey usually stays at home.

Let's say I make it into the city unscathed, what's the character of the town like?

Rickey's apologies to our D.C. readers, but Washington is kind of a bland town chock full of boring museums skirted by mcmansion riddled suburbs. But when you think about it, in it's blandness, it's very representative of America as a whole. So really, if you hate D.C., you also hate America. And you don't hate dear sweet America, do you?

OK wiseguy, what are the people like in D.C.?

Best as Rickey can figure, everyone there either works for the government or is a K Street lobbyist. Imagine every student government president you ever knew gathered in the same place at the same time. Would you want to live there? Yeah, that's what we thought. In all fairness, Rickey only knows one guy who grew up in the Washington area. He likes the Redskins, jazz music, and draping his exposed genitals on various flat surfaces. Interpret that as you will.

And what of the cuisine?

The Union Station food court is what most D.C. residents will point out when they brag about all the diverse ethnic food in town. Apparently a UNO pizza joint, a burrito place, a falafel place, and a crab stick sushi operation constitute a culinary United Nations for Washington's more sophisticated set.

How's the weather down there in D.C.?

Rain rain rain and yet more rain. We'd tell you you bring an umbrella, but the Secret Service, apparently nervous about the Penguin crashing the inauguration, has flatly banned them.

Alright, I've made it to the inauguration, I can just go ahead and take a seat in the front row?

Unless you're Oprah Winfrey, no. Are you actually Oprah? If so, please stop ripping off our Rickey Recommends column with your "Favorite Things" shtick. Don't think Rickey hasn't noticed this blatant theft of intellectual property.

What can I expect from Obama's inauguration speech?

A smattering of the phrases "historic moment," "the dawn is coming!," and "I can't do this shit on my own."

I have bladder problems, there will be plenty of restrooms available at the inauguration, yes?

Here's the breakdown: 2,000,000 people and 5,000 porta-potties. You do the math, smart guy. It's going to be scatological pandemonium--like one massive episode of 2 Girls 1 Cup. In a rare moment of forethought, the Bush administration got wise to this and went ahead and preemptively declared a state of emergency for all of Washington D.C. Trust us, the town's going to look like London circa 1634 by the time all is said and done.

Wait, since they're in D.C., shouldn't Bush have declared a "District of Emergency"?

Rickey's fairly certain that just you and Rickey had noticed that.

So the crowd at this inauguration should look like any another, yes? 94% Caucasian, right?

Uh, no, not really. Unless it snows during the inauguration, in which case, yes, it will look like all the previous ones.

So what else is there to do in D.C. after the inauguration?

Put it this way: do you like museums? Because they've got 'em in spades. The Smithsonian Museum, The Folger Library Museum, The National Geographic Museum, The National Museum of Crime & Punishment, The Textile Museum, The Octagon Museum, The Bead Museum, The National Museum of American Museums... you get the picture. Also, there's always Adams Morgan if you're looking for a little night life. And if you can get through an entire evening of boozing without referring to it as "Madam's Organ," then Rickey will give you a shiny Buffalo Nickel.

Let's say I'm in the mood for a little extracurricular action down there, how do the working girls in D.C. stack up against their N.Y.C. counterparts?

They're definitely in the same league. As an added bonus, if you check them into the Mayflower Hotel, they're contractually required to be introduced by a Sergeant-at-Arms proclaiming: "MR. SPEAKER... A DAMN FINE PROSTITUTE!!!"

Is there anything to watch out for while I'm down there?

Indeed there is. There's a guy living down there who Rickey has the great misfortune of knowing named John Devaney. Take Rickey's word for it, he is without a doubt (insert Keith Olbermann style voiceover here) THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD. The guy fashions himself as a real life version of Vince Vaughn from "Swingers" and "Wedding Crashers." He brags of his various exploits as "legendary" as if he were a modern day Beowulf. He refers to women as "smokeshow sloots" and coitus as "crushing strange." He habitually takes home 50 year old women. He is boorish, obtuse, and completely oblivious to how totally awful a human being he is. Back in college, Rickey made the mistake of doing Jack Daniels shots with this guy and seven years later he still speaks of the event like it was his own personal Woodstock. Rickey once witnessed him bring a date to a wedding who he'd just met the night before. The horrified look on the poor girl's face as she slowly realized how despicable the guy was resembled that of a small child when their pet hamster dies. Everyone at the wedding joked that she might hang herself from a tree branch rather than ride back to D.C. with him in the car. Rickey never saw her at the send-off brunch so honestly, it could've happened. John Devaney is a terrible terrible person. This guy will lower your opinion of men everywhere--avoid him at all costs.

Yikes, it sounds like I'm better off staying at home. Will the inauguration be televised?

It's a relatively safe bet, yes. Recommended inauguration snacks include a cornucopia of pretzels, wings, and pork rinds. No need to purchase libations, however. As his first official act as President, Barack Obama will actually reach through your TV screen into your living room and transform your water into wine.

[posted at Humor Blogs]

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20 comments:

CajoleJuice said...

"He's the political version of John McClane"

I'm sorry, but WORST. ANALOGY. EVER.

(Everything else is gold, as usual.)

Rickey Henderson said...

Arguably. Rickey just used that analogy to set up the "wrong guy in the wrong place at the wrong time" jab. Far be it from Rickey to refer to Bush as heroic...

ReformingGeek said...

Thanks for the humorous overview of what to expect in Washington. Oh, wait. Were you serious? ;-)


Anyway, we had some "excitement" down here in the south when a local school district decided NOT to show the inauguration. OMG! The natives went wild. The district relented.

Adam said...

Informational and entertaining! I was at the 2000 Inauguration and it was a hellish subway experience. I was drunk most of the time, though. Adam Recommends Jack Daniels.

weesle909 said...

Awesome post - very funny.

And I'm almost certain I've never seen the phrase "scatological pandemonium" before. I can't wait for an oppoirtunity to use it...

weesle909 said...

Damn. I hit "Publish" instead of "Preview". I hate making typos! (I'm anal like that...)

George said...

Ms. INOTBB will actually be there, as a coworker of hers got tickets and 4 women from her office decided to go.

I'm not sure if I'm bitter I'm not going or happy I'm missing all the "fun."

Egan Foote said...

Tell me more about this Devaney guy. He sounds INTENSE.

Egan, out!

Girl From Wedding said...

I did try to hang myself after the wedding, but Devaney kept trying to finger my asshole from below.

Smitty said...

with a few Hieronymus Bosch creatures tossed in for good measure.

Those are the Congressmen, right? What with flugelhorns for heads, or duck bills instead of lips, or fishbowls instead of asses...

Bob said...

"He's not a warped and evil man.

Really? You sure?

I think this is one of those times that liberal forgiveness is not in order. It’s because of people like Rickey that Reagan is remembered with fondness.

Repeat after me for the next 4 decades:
Bush was a traitorous bastard who ruined America.

David said...

Even though I agree with Bob’s remarks, I would like to engage Rickey on his evidently misguided belief that DC is still a miserable swamp.

I be lovin' me some Rickey and would like to have him at my most interesting group in that theoretical dinner party of people living or dead (for the record, I prefer live) but...

DC has great restaurants and a lot of theatre including stage productions going to and coming from Broadway and world-class comedians performing regularly.

Rickey should give us another chance. Ok, it is not NYC but DC is a vibrant world class city...and no, we don't all work for the Feds. Many, sure but far from all.

Offended, not at all. It is clear to me that Rickey just needs to spend some quality time here.

Cheers

Rickey Henderson said...

I think this is one of those times that liberal forgiveness is not in order. It’s because of people like Rickey that Reagan is remembered with fondness.

Yeow Bob. Rickey certainly isn't forgiving of Bush, nor will he ever be. There's no doubt that Bush surrounded himself with malicious neocon fuckheads. But in Rickey's book, Bush's incredible lack of curiosity is a more grievous offense than just being a crooked man. Competent leaders ask smart questions, terrible ones do not.

Doug at Taunt Vortex said...

Points for the R.E.M video reference.

Bee said...

That was freakin' hilarious and deserves a bunch of stumbles!

Father Muskrat said...

Good advice. Sounds like you've been to DC a time or two. Or live there?

I'd like to go, but I'm smarter than that. Two of my colleagues, however, are not as bright as am I, and they're trekking from Atlanta tomorrow.

Mike said...

Madam's Organ

Which is the name of a bar in Adams Morgan if I remember correctly.

Rickey Henderson said...

Muskrat: Rickey's actually only been there thrice (in case you couldn't tell by Rickey's confusion about the Madam's Organ thing). First time Rickey stayed in D.C., his hotel caught on fire. How's that for a good omen?

Alex L said...

Can he make it vodka, I'm not a big wine drinker.

unfinishedrambler said...

Are you sure he's going to make it wine and not like a malt beverage of some kind?