Friday, January 30, 2009

Rickey's Super Bowl Preview: Of ex-Giants, Fabulous Steelworkers, and Football Jesus

We know that it's all hip and whatnot to openly profess your ambivalence about the Super Bowl, but this year, Rickey reaaaaaaaaallly doesn't give a damn about it. But we'll churn out a quickie post on it anyway just in case a few of you have a modicum of interest in what is referred to as "the biggest sports event of the year" (sorry, but Rickey strongly believes that title should go to the LaGrange Invitational Finger Jousting Tournament). This Super Bowl, like any other, you're going to be bombarded with a lot of worthless subplots, so we asked ourselves, why can't we get in on the fun? If Pam Oliver gets a free pass for running a 20 minute story on the 76 year old Hawaiian lady who does Troy Polamalu's hair, then you'd damn well better believe Rickey will respond with equal triviality. And... here... we... go... :

Subplot #1: THE GIANTS CONNECTION. Let's kick this off with a bit of misty eyed nostalgia. Hey kids, remember when Kurt Warner was on the Giants? And he won like five of his first seven games? Then he kind of lost his groove, and everybody went apeshit and decided to in toss a completely untested and bewildered Eli Manning who proceeded to wet himself and go 1-6? Yeah... Rickey had blocked that season from his memory too (and five years later, we still have yet to see anything that's convinced us that Eli Manning isn't soft).

Subplot #2: A PHOENIX ROOSTS WITH THE CARDINALS. And whaddayaknow, now Warner is slinging for the Cardinals and is looking pretty damned good! We really can't come up with a concrete explanation for Kurt Warner's resurgence other than the possibility that he's possessed by the vengeful ghost of Pat Tillman. So we're sticking with that. The angry spirit of Pat Tillman inhabits Kurt Warner!

Subplot #3: WIDE RECEIVERS WIN GAMES. Hey, domestic abuse charges notwithstanding, we hear excellent things about this Larry Fitzgerald fellow. Assuming the Super Bowl isn't played on a marble field, he should be able to resist his unfathomably deep urge to slam cheerleaders' heads to the ground. Do the Cardinals even have an actual playbook, or is it just a cocktail napkin with the phrase "THROW IT TO FITZGERALD!!!!" scrawled in red crayon?

Subplot #4: MOST FABULOUS FANBASE EVER. Sorry Steelers enthusiasts, but how seriously can one take a franchise whose fans wave yellow towels at sporting events? Is there anything more sexually suspect than waving a handkerchief about at a sporting event while large men in tights relentlessly tackle each other? Oh wait, there actually is: Steely McBeam. Way to go Pittsburgh--to use a Bill Simmons line, this sort of thing never would've happened if Bill Cowher was still alive. This is for you, Pittsburgh fans:

Subplot #5: A TALE OF TWO CITIES. Two teams. One representing the rusting manufacturing industry, the other representing the defunct residential construction industry. Is there a more fitting illustration of our current economic climate? Screw hot dogs and beer, vendors should be peddling rock soup in the stands at Tampa.

Subplot #6: 3D, IT'S THE FUTURE! Ok, what fuckwit thought it would be cute to bring back the 3D craze and put it into the Super Bowl commercials? The same guy who incorrectly prophesied that all be living in "Lawnmower Man" style virtual realities by now? Rickey's going to have sucked down 18 beers and have consumed his net weight in salsa con queso before the coin flip even occurs. Chances are pretty good that the room's already going to be moving. You think it's a wise idea for Rickey to be seeing shit in 3D on top of that? Really?

Subplot #7: MY GOD CAN BEAT YOUR GOD SENSELESS. One of the more interesting subplots for the Super Bowl will be watching Ben Roethlisberger and Kurt Warner attempt to out-Jesus each other. Both are outspoken fans of the big guy upstairs--Roethlisberger is quoted as saying the he will "always have the opportunity to glorify God in all that I do" and Warner pretty much initiates a full Catholic mass whenever he completes a TD pass. We're not sure about you, but Rickey's a little sick of it all. Yeah, God absolutely is backing your athletic feats of strength so that you can attract those sanctified product endorsements and continue to sell sugar water to our nation's youth. Because if there's one thing Rickey learned in Sunday school, its that the J-Man is totally all about childhood obesity.

Like we said at the git-go, Rickey could give a flying fuck about the whole thing. Ultimately, Rickey's NFC allegiance has him pulling for the Cards to cap off their unexpected playoff run with a Super Bowl win. And because we suppose it's traditional for Rickey to make some sort of pick: Cardinals 21, Steelers 17*

*WARNING: Holy fucking shit. Prediction not valid. Offer null and void. Under no circumstances is this prediction is to be confused with any semblance of wisdom in the sporting world or otherwise. For the love of god, don't use this to gamble. Rickey pretty much just made it up right now after a ten second conversation with some dude in the elevator at work.

PS: For you panicked cooks looking for a last minute dish to prepare for the big game, Rickey strongly recommends his Buffalo Chicken Tenders Recipe. They're good eats, trust us. Have a safe and happy Super Bowl everybody.

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7 comments:

Chris C said...

"Yeah... Rickey had blocked that season from his memory too"

Much like the Ray Handley years.

"One of the more interesting subplots for the Super Bowl will be watching Ben Roethlisberger and Kurt Warner attempt to out-Jesus each other."

I know it has been said before many times but I'd like to see the losing team blame God.

Would make for a nice balance.

unfinishedrambler said...

That 20-minute story about Polamalu's hairdresser is not trivial, you know. How dare you say so! Without his hair, my team wouldn't even be there. ;)

Mike said...

Two teams. One representing the rusting manufacturing industry, the other representing the defunct residential construction industry. Is there a more fitting illustration of our current economic climate? Screw hot dogs and beer, vendors should be peddling rock soup in the stands at Tampa.

The 2009 Super Bowl, in every way.

Doug at Taunt Vortex said...

Okay, nobody will say it, but it has to be said. Jesus has a 5.0 in the 40, which just isn't NFL caliber. And he won't block to save his life.

Unless it's the Dallas Cowboys (when I support whomever they happen to be playing), I usually go with the underdog.

So, yay Cards. The enthusiasm is palpable, no?

Adam said...

That game flat-out sucked. Boring, annoying and ultimately meaningless. Bring on baseball...

Smitty said...

watching Ben Roethlisberger and Kurt Warner attempt to out-Jesus each other

That shit makes me nuts. Jesus and God, like Rickey, could give a flying fuck if you can throw a football or take a hit. Glorify God via pass completion?? Seriously???

This is why Smitty is a burgeoning atheist.

devianty said...

hallo there this my first timr visiting this blog..