Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Rickey's Wedding Update, and Other Things One Wouldn't Expect Heterosexual Men to Blog About

Rickey is sometimes asked, how much of this blog is a goofy shtick and how much of it is genuinely him speaking? Excellent question, and one to which we don't have a clear answer. Usually, we'll try to avoid sincerity at all costs and are wary of falling into the "me me me me me!" habit of blogging. Trust us, we do it for your benefit. The main reason Rickey doesn't talk much about his personal life is that within a few days of doing so, things here at RwR would quickly deteriorate into a steady and consistent stream of belligerent character assassination upon varying people who have irked Rickey over the years. (This of course doesn't deter Rickey from a few sly jabs every now and then). But today Rickey will cast aside the veil of anonymity for a moment and discuss a rather important day in his life--his wedding this coming June.

Up until now, whenever Rickey had attended a wedding, his only responsibility was to make sure that when the evening is over, everyone he knew who attended the wedding was still on speaking terms with him. (This, believe it or not, is far more difficult than it sounds--last wedding Rickey was at, he nearly lit a boat carrying 75 people on fire). But now this all changes, because this time around, Rickey has a bit more of a responsibility to shoulder. This time, Rickey is the guy getting hitched.

How does Rickey feel about this? Without a doubt, absolutely terrific. But actually planning for the day of the wedding itself? Having to hammer out all the details? That's a different thing entirely. It's a goddamned Greek tragedy, aided and abetted by a never ending stream of fuckwits, miscreants, and rabble-rousers. Now, we're no experts on feminine ways, but we have it on good authority that every girl from the age of ten on forward dreams of three things: Jordan Knight, unicorns, and their wedding day. Deny it all you want, but you ladies quake with anticipation for that magical storybook wedding. But for your average groom like Rickey, weddings are a necessary evil. A loathsome speed bump--an experience akin to Luke getting stuck on the swamp planet Degobah in "The Empire Strikes Back."

Sure, Rickey understands the importance of the event, but the adjectives that come to mind first are probably not “beautiful” and “resplendent”, but rather “nerve-wracking” and “trying”. Nonetheless, Rickey's hanging in there. We look at it this way: anytime you mix booze, friends, family, and a celebration of love, you can’t go totally wrong, right? Because at its heart, a wedding is the most holy of sacraments and one of the most important moments in a person’s life, built around the three most powerful words in the English language: free open bar. So let's take a peek at some of the more crucial elements that will comprise Rickey and Ms. Henderson's wedding day.

Location, Location, Location. As we mentioned a while ago, the Hendersons are having their wedding at a venue where our newly minted Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, once weighed anchor. But don't let that unpleasantness deter you, it's a jaw droppingly stunning site, near where Rickey grew up. Check it out here. The only problem? It's not a wedding factory--that is to say, it's not run by a catering company. So all the rental equipment and all the vendors need to be brought in separately. And therein lies the rub, because it turns out that there's a whole lotta stuff that makes up a wedding.

The Ceremony. Nothing too crazy really. A judge, a huppa, a few readings, some vows, a kiss, followed by everyone crying and applauding. You know, pretty much boilerplate stuff. The whole shebang is probably listed somewhere on "Stuff White People Like." If any of the guests want to jazz things up a bit when the judge asks if there are any objections, then they can stand up and yell "KHHHHHHAAAAAAANNNNNNN!" if it so pleases them.

Vendors. Bastards all. Are these weasels unaware that there's a full blown recession going on? How does Rickey deal with unscrupulous vendors hellbent on screwing him out of money? Quite forcefully. When confronted with an ornery vendor, Rickey will quickly inform them that “this is America, pal, we don’t take that shit!” and proceed to chant “U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!” for a few minutes until the vendor relents and lowers their price.

Eats. At first, Rickey thought that wedding food is primarily for the elderly. And if done blandly, it certainly can be. Appetizers can be blah and the main course is little more than an obstacle to get around before partying the night away. Usually, you're just sitting around a table awaiting your rubbery chicken dish and muttering "can they bring the food out already? I’m trying to get fucked up here!” So Rickey and Ms. Henderson went ahead and upped the ante considerably by hiring the chef who runs this restaurant to cook at their wedding. Dude's incredible--the most fun Rickey and Ms. Henderson have had planning the wedding has been creating a menu with him. Tuscan cuisine served up buffet style? Oh yes please. No annoying sitting around and waiting for your food, just some of the best cuisine imaginable available on demand.

I Come Not to Bury Rickey but to Praise Him. Rickey knows it's not his place to get involved with the best man/maid of honor speeches, but that hasn't stopped him from writing them in his head for the past few weeks now. A guy who has honed the art of bragging about himself like Rickey has should have some input here, right? Because believe us, if it were up to Rickey, the speeches would ultimately not only change the way Ms. Henderson and Rickey are perceived, but would also single-handedly win the war on terrorism. Rickey's serious--they're that good.

Drink-Dranks. This may sound like crazy talk, but what really makes or breaks a wedding bar is the bartender. The wedding bartender may be just about the worst job in the world, so it's important that Rickey and Ms. Henderson select someone who's up to the task (they have yet to). Rickey has been to weddings where he's been served drinks by a gruff guy in a tux who looked like the wedding bartending gig was part of his prison work-release program. By the same token, Rickey has also been to weddings where the bartender was a shot-pouring boozehound indiscriminately serving up tequila and high-fives all night long. Which one do you think Rickey is gravitating towards?

Wedding Registry/Website. Done and done. And if just one guest shows up with a crappy gift not listed on the registry, like a $45 punch bowl set or something equally worthless, they're getting thrown off the mountaintop immediately following the cocktail hour. If any relatives somehow stumble on to this site, we're telling you right now: Rickey DOES NOT want a punch bowl set. The Hendersons aren't planning on hosting any high school proms in their apartment anytime soon, thank you very much.

My God, it's Full of Flowers! Other than being brutally expensive, Rickey knows abso-fucking-lutely nothing about flowers. Which is why Ms. Henderson has been placed in charge of the table centerpieces. She's actually making them herself: growing wheatgrass in nice wide glass vases and sticking roses into the wheatgrass. When she's not blogging about pigs, the girl is quite crafty.

Noise Code Considerations. Apparently, the editor of Fashion Magazine lives on a hilltop nearby where Rickey and Ms. Henderson are getting married. And apparently she's not too keen on loud noises. Folks, there are good weddings, there are bad weddings, and then there are weddings that end up getting shut down by the cops because the editor of Fashion Magazine is displeased with having her windows rattled by Rick Springfield's stirring rendition of "Jesse's Girl." This should be interesting. And that brings us to...

Musak. A long time ago, Rickey and Ms Henderson came to the realization that a wedding band would be downright awful and a complete waste of money. Wedding bands are just so unconscionably cheesy. Rickey asks you, what’s better: hearing your favorite songs from the musicians who wrote them or some douchebag singing Shania Twain’s “You’re Still The One”? So they picked a solid and low key DJ, one that has been instructed under no circumstances to play the Electric Slide or similar cliche wedding tripe. The problem here is that Rickey has absolutely no idea what to actually put on the DJ's playlist. Natrually, there will be a good showing of rock 'n roll songs, and that cover of "Over the Rainbow" by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole that Rickey's mother refuses to shut up about (yes mom, Rickey has heard the song too--every caucasian couple in the known universe has been playing it at their weddings for 6 years now) but what else? Common wisdom states that no one will dance to obscure songs, but Rickey isn't entirely convinced of this. So we turn to you, dear readers, to help us out. What are some unconventional songs that would work for a wedding?

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Alex L said...

I'd recommend you keep a song handy to clear the room at the end of the night, and nothing says 'get the f*ck out' like Shatner doing 'Rocket Man'.

Smitty said...

We had local blues band (award-winning and they even write their own music too!) Root Doctor play our wedding. All night, it was old-school blues and r&b.

"Our song" was Taj Mahal's "What Am I Living For [if not for you]."

The wedding party was introduced to the Blues Brothers intro piece, which is a sped-up version of the beginning of Otis Redding's "I Can't Turn You Loose." Root Doctor then picked up the rest of the actual song, and the crowd rocked.

The Smittys had one fuck of a wedding. Some people are still drunk. It's been 8 years.

Smitty said...

Forgot: as a couples dance, we did the Taj Mahal - Bonnie Raitt duo "I Need Your Lovin' Every Day."

Alex said...

A few suggestions...

bob seger: night moves
dire straits: romeo and juliet
elton john: tiny dance
Almost any frank sinatra song
george harrison: got my mind set on you.
huey lewis: power of love
phil collins: pseuseudo
James: laid
Joe Dassin: Les Champs-Elysees
John Lennon: oh yoko
U2: beautiful day
Louis Armstrong: What a Wonderful World
Marvin Gaye: let's get it on
Rod Stewart: Rythm of my Heart
Rolling Stones: let's spend the night together
Tom Waits: Waltzing Matilda
Warren Zevon: Werewolf of London, keep me in your heart.

Sassdawg. said...


Clearing the room is easy GG Allin, or Anthrax.


As for Wedding music, my wife and I had our first dance to Lost in this Moment by Big and Rich, and also by Big and Rich, Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy was actually more popular than would be expected at the party.

For all of the other stooof, Dude, Ricky, you are a way better man than I am. My wife and I kinda did things bass ackwards. We got married in December 2007 @ City Hall, I had my Bachelor Party @ Sundance Utah in January 2008, our Honeymoon @ Key West/Opening Day in Miami in April 2008, and our reception in Potsdam, NY (which unless you like college hockey, avoid) which neither me nor my wife had any part in preparing or planning in July 2008. I don't envy you one bit.

One final question...When's the date?

Good luck.

Rickey Henderson said...

The wonderful day comes on June 20th.

Chief Running Tab said...

Chief wishes you big heap congratulations, Rickey.

Bob said...

"...never ending stream of fuckwits, miscreants, and rabble-rousers."

But enough about the in-laws...

Buh-dump-bump...thank you, thank you, I will be here all week.

Bob said...

I fully expect that by June 20th of 2010, you will be agreeing with me that eloping would have been a better option.

Doug at Taunt Vortex said...

Bravo. Another RwR classic. Let me just drop a couple of selections from our wedding reception song list. Yes, we too eschewed the wedding singer.

1). Grow Old With Me - John Lennon. Check it out. Still makes me cry. But I'll deny it if you ask again.

2). Under My Thumb - Rolling Stones. Done for the sake of irony/humor, as everyone know's my fiance/wife is in charge.

Harris said...

First Song - Just What I Needed (The Cars)

Last Song - Dont Stop Believing (Journey)

rickey is jewish?


Father Muskrat said...

"Do you really want to hurt me" by Culture Club, a la "The Wedding Singer."

Great venue...hope it goes well. And oh yeah, where's my invite or "save the date" card, asshole?

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

I'm thinking "Burning Down the House" by the Talking Heads. Or even "Psycho Killer."

Ora - Looking for Offramp said...

Hey Ya to get dancing
Walk on the Wild Side to get heads cocked wondering what gives
Nothing Else Matters to get poignant and deep

KayFour said...

Congratulations to you and to the lady, too!.

I just love weddings (sniff, sniff)

Nooter said...

wow thats alot of stuff did they close the elvis chapel in vegas? that would be fun

Daniel said...

I'm not sure if this helps you all that much, but I've managed to get my girlfriend convinced that whenever the blessed day of our marriage comes about, "our song" will be Mazzy Star's "Fade Into You." So now that I've got that out of the way, I guess I've just gotta get the whole proposing and what not out of the way.... but anyway. I'd like to think that's at least a somewhat unconventional song to choose as a first dance (although if it's not, please enlighten me).