Friday, December 19, 2008

Festivus Friday: The Airing of Grievances

We know, you're thinking "Oh come on, a Festivus post, really?" Yes, really. Rickey is happy to occasionally deliver the harmless middle of the road blog post that will delight both the Seinfeld fan demographic and your mom. So this year, we celebrate Festivus with The Airing of Grievances, a compilation of things that have irked, angered, and downright offended Rickey over the course of the year. (Think of this as the exact inverse of the Thanksgiving post Rickey ran a few weeks back). Rickey's got a lot of issues with these people, so take due notice thereof and govern yourself accordingly, because you may very well be one of them. The following folks have rankled Rickey's ire:

1) People who get a little too into this Facebook thing. Stop Rickey if this sounds familiar: "so-and-so sent you a SEA MONKEYS PARTY invitation! Mr. Quelquechose sent you a GARDEN VEGETABLES invitation! Something McSomethingson sent you a SCARY CLOWNS invitation! Ronald McDonald sent you a ICED TEA BRAND ICED TEA invitation! Smelly McNolife sent you a FAVORITE SHOES invitation!" Look, Rickey signed up for Facebook for one reason and one reason only: to spy on ex girlfriends get back in touch with high school buddies. Everything else is moot.

2) Drivers attempting to merge into traffic who stop suddenly at the end of the on ramp. Why on Earth would you suddenly stop? Why did you accelerate up the ramp then jam on the brakes? Don't you realize that Rickey's cool demeanor is at stake here?

3) Missing white girls. Stop getting kidnapped goddamnit. How many minority kids do you see getting snatched up? None! Those kids are street smart! (or CNN doesn't give a shit, either way). Seriously, how hard is it not to jump in the fifteen year old black van with "FREE CANDY!" spray painted on the side?

3) People who insist on informing you about obscure hole in the wall restaurants that you absolutely need to check out. Yeah, Rickey's sure that your favorite Thai restaurant on the other side of town run by those two kindly older men who always smile subserviently when you enter the door makes the best pad thai ever. Totally. Go away.

4) People who use the phrase "with all due respect." You think this is your own personal episode of Law & Order? You think you're Sam Waterson? Slag off.

5) People who install a toilet paper roll so that the tissue unwraps from the under side of the roll. Makes Rickey's hair stand on end, it does.

6) People who panic at the possibility of snowfall. What, are we in middle school again? Stop freaking out. It's precipitation. In frozen form. Deal with it.

7) Anyone who refers to any agency of national government as "the fed."

8) Dadaists. They're out there. Somewhere. Weeping and wallowing, or whatever it is that Dadaists do. Fuckers.

9) That weird guy at the gym who always sizes up Rickey when he takes his shirt off. Yes, Rickey wears a wife beater, what of it? It makes Rickey's muscles look bigger. Is there some sort of problem here that Rickey needs to be aware of?

10) People who ask you to carry something for them because their clothes lack pockets. How hard is it to purchase attire that has the ability to hold belongings? Why does the government even allow clothing to be manufactured that doesn't have pockets? Shouldn't that be some sort of safety requirement? When Rickey runs his own clothing company, he's going to make a pair of pants that is just one huge cargo pocket. It'll be like a huge sack that you put all your stuff in.

11) People who attend sporting events wearing jerseys of teams that aren't playing. Yeah, dirtbag, your neon green Matt Hassleback jersey looks absolutely awesome at the Panthers/Giants game. Well done schmohawk.

12) Anyone over the age of five who goes apeshit when they don't get the Christmas gift they wanted. Here's a fun Christmas gift for your sniveling self: you don't live in Darfur. Feel better now?

13) People who use the phrase "New York Minute." Why should the passage of time be different in Manhattan?

14) So called music aficionados who try to convince you that the new GnR album is actually pretty good if you listen to it in it's entirety. Sorry, no, it is most definitely not. Hey, Axl, did the new album really need EIGHT FUCKING BALLADS?!

15) People who make that "aaaaaaaah" sound after sipping coffee. So very irritating.

16) People who go to the movies on Christmas day. Hey Roy, the hilarious new Reese Witherspoon comedy can wait a few more days, trust us. Go sit by the fire and talk to your family. Did you know they've got stuff to say?

[posted at Humor Blogs]

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Mike said...

Facebook for one reason and one reason only: to spy on ex girlfriends.

Ahhhhh, so that's what it's for. Maybe I will accept one of those annoying invitations to join Facebook my friends send me.

freetheunicorns said...

Pockets are pretty much the greatest thing any garment can ever have.

George said...

Makes Rickey's hair stand on end, it does.

Thanks for not specifying which hairs.

People who panic at the possibility of snowfall.

How New York-centric of you (or is that redundant?). Where I live, I would definitely panic.

unfinishedrambler said...

With all due respect, some of my best friends are Dadaists.

Anonymous said...

Hey I'm a jew, of course im gonna go to the movies on christmas.

Adam said...

Well, women wear pants without pockets because it makes their tush look nicer. And pardon me for sounding like a porno director, but let the girls show their nice tushes.

CajoleJuice said...

I learned to keep my toilet paper in the overhand rolling position from The Simpsons.

Just like every other life skill.

Anonymous said...

yeah jews and the movies are a natural match on christmas....along with chinese yes, i go to the movies

Nate said...

I agree with Anon.

I actually go to the movies on Christmas with my family.

Haley said...

I freak out about the snow, where pocketless pants, see movies and eat chinese food on christmas, rarely install the toilet roll in the proper direction, and loudly enjoy a fine cup of coffee, with all due respect.


Alex L said...

Thank god someone is finally standing up to the dadaists, the fuckers.

Mr Furious said...

Yes, t.p. should unroll from the front/top. Anything else is a swirlie-worthy offense. Heaven help you if you're one of those lazy asses who stands the new roll up on end on top of the empty cardboard tube.

That person deserves a swirlie/upper deck combo.

don't know what those are? That's what is for. Look it up.


I'll listen to the new GnR as soon as that strung-out fuck Axl gives me my $80 for the canceled show at Lake Compounce seventeen year ago.

Also known as: Never.

Harris said...

you didn't like chinese democracy?

you're dead to me


steves said...

I was going to add "people that think that others care about their random annoyances," but I found this list to be too similar to my own.