Thursday, December 11, 2008

Rickey’s NFL Roundup

Chris, he of Angry Seafood, recently asked Rickey to write up a little article on the NFL. At first, Rickey objected, pleading overall ignorance on the subject of the gridiron. But then, when presented with incontrovertible proof that Rickey does possess a modicum of football wisdom, Rickey finally relented. So now that the playoff picture is becoming a bit clearer, we figured we’d take a look around the league at some of the movers and shakers whose athletic feats of strength warrant mention and/or ridicule.

New York Jets. Remember when the Jets beat the Titans three weeks ago and everyone went apeshit and all but conceded the Lamar Hunt Trophy to the Favre York Favreball Favres after that? Yeah, things have changed since then. So let’s cool it with the talk of a Subway Series Superbowl this season, shall we? We get the feeling that most Jets fans are watching their team’s performance with the same dulled sideline enthusiasm that consumers had when they watched the Blu-Ray/HD-DVD format wars rage on. The reasons for this are manifold:

1) They’ve only had two decent weeks all year (11 and 12—all other weeks they beat or were beaten by lousy teams).
2) The Madden curse still looms large over Brett Farve.
3) They’re the freaking Jets.

Rickey’s prediction for Gang Green: a heartbreaking collapse followed by the dawn of the Lovie Smith era in the Meadowlands. Has Rickey ever mentioned how profoundly relieved he is to be a Giants fan?

Pittsburgh Steelers. Frighteningly good. So good that even the local police are afraid of these guys—witness the recent police report complimenting Santonio Holmes on how gentlemanly and respectful he was after being pulled over for drug possession. Weed be damned, this guy's an outstanding fellow! On a side note, why is there not a trophy awarded at the end of each season for NFL players who manage to perform well despite being habitual pot smokers? If you're getting stoned in your spare time and are still able to evade a marauding 400 pound defensive tackle charging at you at 35 miles per hour, then you deserve a fucking medal of honor. When Rickey becomes commissioner, this gets enacted on Day 1.

Tennessee Titans. As Rickey’s dad is all too found of smarmily pointing out, we could be on the brink of watching two teams with the same name play each other in the Superbowl. (he’s speaking of a Titans/Giants matchup). Why he keeps making this corny joke is beyond us… apparently he thinks it makes him sound like Sophocles or something. Anyhow, the Titans have wrapped up the NFC south, a development that Rickey credits primarily to the distracting nature of their powder blue uniforms.

Denver Broncos. Does anyone give a flying fuck about the AFC West anymore? Not only does Rickey not care, Rickey actively does not care (rarely is Rickey proactive in his apathy). This division is so middling that Rickey is now aggressive in his not caring for it. But yeah, mazel tov to the Broncos for being king of the heap over there.

Detroit Lions. Sweet fancy moses, is there a more prescient example of systemic societal failure than the city of Detroit? That town’s in worse shape than Darfur! The auto industry is tanking, their NFL team is on the brink of a winless season, and their mayor plead guilty to obstruction of justice back in September. Why was Matt Millen fired again? Why not just give him more time and money, kind of like what Congress is doing with the automobile companies?

Baltimore Ravens. The Ravens look like the scariest team in the AFC right now. Would you want your team meeting them in the first round? We’ll rephrase that: would you want anyone on your team lining up against Ray Lewis? The guy makes Rickey want to hide behind his couch…

Arizona Cardinals. If the Cardinals clinching the NFC West isn’t a sign of the apocalypse, we just don’t know what is. Right now, Cards fans are potentially looking at the Cardinals first home playoff game since 1947. 1947! What exactly happens to Kurt Warner when he finally retires? Does he disappear into a cornfield? Does his body suddenly vaporize and get swept away by the wind much like the Army of the Dead at the end of “Return of the King”? Rickey wonders about these things.

Carolina Panthers. Is there more of a bandwagon town than the city of Charlotte? Rickey thinks not—Rickey despises this team with an undying passion. And yet we must pay tribute to their fiery Cajun QB, Jake Delhomme. One time while tuned into ESPN, Rickey heard Chris Berman refer to Delhomme as "Jake 'daylight come and you gotta' Delhomme" to the tune of the Banana Boat Song and Rickey damn near fell out of his chair.

Minnesota Vikings. Rickey knows relatively little about the Vikings. Sorry. But here’s an awesome article about Viking mice! And here’s a video of Viking kittens! (It’s Thursday and Rickey’s feeling punchy, so just go with it, ok?) Also, did you know that Chris Kluwe, punter for the Vikings, is an avid World of Warcraft player? At what point does Kluwe pull a Leroy Jenkins and just start botching his kicks intentionally? Ten points if you're now imagining a punter taking the field, suddenly screaming "Leeeeeeroy Jenkins!" and then turning around and kicking the ball back towards his own team's endzone.

Philadelphia Eagles. Egad, can someone please sit down with Donovan McNabb and explain the intricacies of overtime in the NFL to him? And do it soon goddamnit, because Rickey doesn’t want to live in a world where Rush Limbaugh was right about anything.

Dallas Cowboys. Ongoing Terrell Owens drama and a weak secondary do not a good team make. Also, we’re still not completely sold that Dallas QB Tony Romo has regained his sense of depth perception. Rickey is glad to see that the football equivalent of the NY Yankees continues its proud tradition of brash statements and impotent on field performance.

New York Giants. Alright, so maybe this Burress thing shook ‘em up a bit (who else but an NFL wide receiver goes to a nightclub wearing sweatpants with a gun tucked into the waistband?) Maybe losing the best wide receiver on the team has had somewhat of a detrimental impact. But this week is the real deal goddamnit. Can the Giants kick the cowboys out of the playoffs second straight year? Rickey’s thinking yes. Rickey’s overall prediction for the G-Men this year: a Colts/Giants Manningbowl. Located in Manningham. It’ll be Manningtastic.

[posted at Humor Blogs]

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7 comments:

Chris C said...

Great write-up!

My early pick for NFC is also the Giants. AFC probably Pittsburgh, maybe even Baltimore if Flacco can deal with postseason nerves.

Smitty said...

Why not just give him more time and money, kind of like what Congress is doing with the automobile companies

Funny enough, that is exactly how professional sports teams are resurrected! Except, you know, by private dollars. (See Illitch, Mike; and Wings, Red)

Doug at Taunt Vortex said...

Someday, the Cowboys may prove me wrong, but it's my belief that they will never again win a Super Bowl as long as a). Jerry Jones is their owner and b). Jimmy Johnson draws breath.

But it's not like I care anymore. I bet Landry cheers for the Giants in heaven.

By the way, it sucks that I can't vote for your posts twice. Damn that Diesel.

Adam said...

Your dad cracks me up. I'm stealing that shit and using it in the office!

Hey, any reaction to our new bullpen? We got a Putz for a set-up guy and a DORK (K-Rod spelled backwards) for a closer.

Putz and DORK. Throw that at your dad and see if he chuckles.

Mike said...

Great piece, Rickey. You had me laughing a number of times there.

They’re the freaking Jets.

Fuck, but ain't it the truth.

steves said...

Alright, so maybe this Burress thing shook ‘em up a bit (who else but an NFL wide receiver goes to a nightclub wearing sweatpants with a gun tucked into the waistband?)

NYC is harsh on people illegally carrying guns, so I have to questions the intelligence of Burress. Celebs and politicians are the only people that get permits, so why didn't he go that route?

The Acorn King said...

I'm calling a Buffalo upset this weekend, and by "upset" I mean me crying in my beer because they lost yet again.