Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Your Daily Dose of Schadenfreude: Rickey Bids Farewell to Bob Novak

It has been an eventful couple of days for former CNN commentator Robert Novak. On July 23rd he ran over an eighty year old homeless man with his Corvette, yelled out “learn to read the signs asshole!” and then proceeded to drive away. And he would've completely gotten away scot-free if not for a one armed bicyclist who tossed his prosthetic arm at Novak as he sped away. (And who says that politics is boring? We don't even have to make a joke here, the situation speaks for itself!) We suppose that Novak, denied his "Crossfire" forum which had previously allowed him to harm all of America at once, decided to take to the streets and simply harm America one pedestrian at a time, GTA style. And that's an admirable thing: on "Crossfire" it was his job to hurt people. Now, he's clearly doing it for the sheer love of it. Good for him.

And then, several days ago, Robert Novak suddenly retired from the Chicago Sun-Times after being diagnosed by his doctors as having a dire brain tumor (which is medical jargon for “accelerated karma”). And we wonder, given the fact that the man clearly has had better weeks, how are we supposed to feel about something like this? Do we react with restraint and wish this fellow a speedy recovery? Terminal brain cancer is a somewhat difficult topic to grow comedy from, isn’t it? Is Rickey really about to engage in political tumormongering?

Yes, Rickey most definitely is. A scant few days ago, Bob Novak was a malicious schmuck, now he is a malicious schmuck with a brain tumor. Pardon us if our sense of sympathy for this fellow is dulled somewhat. For too long Rickey has watched this gremlin of a man gleefully subvert everything that we know to be right, true, and proper in this world. Lest we forget, this is the scoundrel who leaked the identity of a C.I.A. operative in the hopes of shredding the reputation of anyone who dared to question the Bush administration. This rapscallion is a man who clearly demonstrated that his loyalty to the G.O.P. far outweighed his loyalty to his country. And this is why we are overwhelmingly glad to hear that Satan has recalled his bureau chief to the fiery abyss below. Farewell Mr. Novak, we can only hope that the tumor, much like yourself, is malignant.

Posted at Humor Blogs.

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16 comments:

Mark said...

Perhaps said tumor is WHY he has been such a legend in the world of douchebaggery -- it long ago consumed his decency, and moral compass, and is now hard at work on parts of his brain from plying his malignant trade.

Mark said...

sorry ... that should read .. "that prevent him from plying is malignant trade."

Clearly, if I don't see an edit function, I need to have everything cleared by the staff proofreader.

Toasty Joe said...

"Farewell Mr. Novak, we can only hope that the tumor, much like yourself, is malignant."

Wow. Darkest last line of a Rickey post EVER.

Rickey Henderson said...

Yeah... that line was written while Heilman was on the mound last night.

George said...

So you're saying the Mets are your brain tumor?

Ms. Henderson said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Smitty said...

Dark, sure. But it's sort of like when you find out that, say, a malicious child molester died in a house fire.

Rickey Henderson said...

George: if Rickey had a tumor, he'd name it Aaron Heilman.

Smitty: pretty much yeah. Rickey's not one to actively wish death upon anyone, but if Novak does croak from this, it won't be undeserved.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

A rose with a brain tumor is still a rose.

Or something like that.

David said...

"accelerated karma" is such a marvelous term.

And I too never wish death on someone but for some I have been known to cheer its arrival.

I find it interesting that Ms. Henderson's remark was deleted by "a" moderator. How many moderators does it take to maintain Rickey's Blog?

Harris said...

hey rickey,

actually my act has a bit about my brother's brain tumor -

"Three years ago, during halftime of this AWESOME super bowl party I was throwing, my brother told me he had a brain tumor. After staring at him for a few seconds, I said, "Dude...You couldn't wait till after the game?"

Rock On,

Aitch

Bob said...

"(which is medical jargon for “accelerated karma”).

Another positive vote for this marvelous term.

Why is it as I am thinking it, Rickey writes what I am thinking, but describes it way better?

Ms. Henderson said...

David: see this is why it was necessary to procure Ms. Henderson her own computer. Every now and then, she'll log into her gmail on Rickey's laptop, then forget to log out. Hence Rickey accidentally posting from her account. Have no fear, the parties responsible for this have all been sacked.

Glad to hear that "accelerated karma" is a hit. When Rickey starts up his own garage rock band, he's totally calling it that.

Rickey Henderson said...

godfuckingdamnitalltohell.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

"godfuckingdamnitalltohell."

HA HA HA!!!!!!
Oh, that was hysterical!

Joel B. said...

Wow. Come out swinging, whydontcha?


But, then again, that's what Rickey always did best :)