Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Rickey’s Summer Olympics Preview, AKA, Our Desperate Search for a Sporting Event Not Featuring the Mets

*This blog post is paid for by the RwR Committee to Re-Invade Vietnam. Additionally, this decidedly non-Mets related post in no way shape or form has anything to do with the fact that the Mets were recently swept by the Astros and shut out by Randy Wolf. Just fucking shoot us now please.

As a rule, we refuse to recognize any “athletic competition” that doesn’t involve Nitro or the Eliminator, and this is why despite our very best efforts, Rickey has very little interest in the 2008 Summer Olympic Games commencing this week in China. Indeed, this is one sporting event that Amnesty International doesn’t have to guilt trip Rickey into not watching. Call us nuts, but the summer games just haven’t had the same meaning ever since the International Olympic Committee removed tug of war as an event. Evidently check fraud, steroid abuse, and medal removal are considered more cutting edge Olympic events than fun sporting contests such as live pigeon shooting. You think we jest, but these actually used to be Olympic sports, proceed hither for proof. (Question: why did they need to specify it as being “live” pigeon shooting?) Rickey’s personal favorite: motorboating. What can we say, Rickey is a motorboating son of a bitch. An ole sailor dog, him. And in case you were wondering, yes, Rickey is currently petitioning to have Calvinball and Quidditch added to the list of Olympic events.

But barring the addition of more interesting events, the Olympic games simply don’t feel as exciting as they used to. Conflicts between using real amateurs or pros, using real females or males, using clean or chemically enhanced athletes, have plagued the modern Olympics for years, and it’s tough to get excited by all the pomp and circumstance with all this going on in the background (although John Williams’ rousing Olympic Fanfare does make Rickey want to charge headfirst through a brick wall). And when the summer games are hosted by a country with a billion person populace that likes to drink toad urine, roadrunner bile, and panda semen, you’re bound to find that a few will grow gills, run a two minute mile, or be able to hoist a VW over their heads. Make no mistake, the cards are most definitely stacked against the U.S. in this superhappy funtime international event. Compounding the problem is that fact that Chinese athletes adhere to a different set of rules than their American counterparts. For your reference, Rickey has compiled a short list of sporting errors and each nation’s corresponding penalties:

Double Fault
USA: point awarded to opponent
China: death

Low Blow
USA: referee warning, one point deduction for second low blow
China: death

Catcher Interference
USA: batter automatically awarded first base
China: death

Own Goal
USA: goad added to opponents’ total
China: death; death of immediate relatives

Traveling
USA: no penalty
China: shame

But ultimately, the biggest reason we’re feeling rather ‘meh’ about the summer games is the lack of blind American pride that existed in the past, particularly on Rickey’s part. There’s just not a whole lot of “America! Fuck Yeah!” running through our veins at the moment, mostly due to the fact that we won’t exactly be winning any gold medals for the forcible imposition of democracy anytime soon. Although, if you ask us, neither will China with their wonton disregard for human rights and whatnot, but does that stop this fellow from showcasing his Olympic excitement? No, it most certainly does not.
Too bad that sadomasochistic Lite Brite isn’t an Olympic event. What’s more disturbing: the nipple pins, or the big hoop suspenders used to highlight them? His peripheral vision must be like an acid trip, right? Between this guy, and all the pollution, we have to wonder, which genius at the IOC thought it would be a good idea to hold the Olympics in China in the first place. Was Sudan already taken? Just wake us when the whole mess is over already. What we’re getting at here is that you cannot rely on Rickey to live blog the Olympic men’s badminton doubles. We’re sorry. Whereas in past years we simply haven’t cared about the summer games, this year, we actively don’t care. Now if you’ll excuse Rickey, he just got a hankering for some General Tso’s…

*The Chinaman is not the issue here dude, rating Rickey’s post at Humor Blogs, however, most definitely is.

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23 comments:

Alex L said...

Oh great, 3 days until the whole of Australia starts jumping on band wagons. Olympics, whoooo... For the next two weeks I have to put up with people who think swimming is a sport.

Can you guess how not excited I am.

Deb said...

I remember the good old days of the Olympics, the salad days; the days of Mark Spitz; the days of the East German women (?, lol) gymnasts; the 1980 hockey game, the game of all games; The Communist bloc West v. The Capitalists of the East... ah, those were the days, indeed.

The days when the only athletes allowed were AMATEURS, which of course, was such a disadvantage to The Capitalists of the East... and yet, many still perservered and beat the government-sponsored "amateurs" of The Communist Bloc... now indeed, those WERE the days.

Today's Olympics are much like today's baseball: a bunch of guys and gals competing for endorsements in a nice pretty venue.

Rickey Henderson said...

Having been born a year prior to the 80 Winter Games, Rickey doesn't recall the Miracle on Ice. That having been said, the Winter Olympics are far superior to the Summer ones. They lie at the nexus of nifty technology and batshit insane feats of bravery. The summer games... not so much. No luge, no crazy ass long ski jump, no slalom, etc. Just a bunch of people running around and throwing stuff.

Smitty said...

I have to agree with Rickey on this one. The winter games? They wear skin-tight, non-insulated spandex suits in below-freezing temperatures and whip down an ice-covered hill on what amounts to a Ziffy Whomper with teflon-coated skids on it. The summer Olympics? Bike-riding, playing in a pool, running in circles and throwing balls or sharp objects. All stuff my 3-year-old does.

The Hypocritical One said...

I'd be much more interested if they pulled Bruce Jenner from that Kardashian nut-house to have him compete again.

Adam said...

They should rename the Winter Games "The Frictionless Games"

That is something I'd gladly watch!

George said...

Yeah, I'm with you on this one. I mean, like I need another opportunity to dislike Kobe Bryant, as if the NBA season isn't long enough.

Rickey Henderson said...

What's up with the "I'm with Rickey on this one" comments? Compared to what? When you jackasses come here and disagree with everything Rickey says?

Smitty said...

When you jackasses come here and disagree with everything Rickey says

Okay, fine. Be that way. I disagree with Rickey with every mortal fibre of my soul. The summer games are the best of what we have to offer in athletics. They hail to the halcion days of competition between Greeks where there was, decidedly, very little snow and a whole lot of olive oil-basted wrestling. It is a great equalizer, because regardless of naitonality, everyone in the wiorld can comoete in summer olympic events and be offered a chance to excel. Jamaicans in bobsleds? Bah.

George said...

First you belittle me for liking Liz Phair on my blog and then call me a jackass on yours.

Gee, the Mets sucking really puts you in a foul mood.

Deb said...

*Sigh*

It seems as if Rickey is NEVER happy. Poor Rickey *snicker,* lol.

But in the spirit of trying to make Rickey happy and keep Rickey placated, may I say I do enjoy gymnastics, swimming and volleyball, and, of course, baseball.

WATCHING them, of course; not competing in them. That's for people who are actually young and in shape. Except for Dara Torres; at least in the "young" department. I'm at the very least interested to see how a 41-year-old swimmer manages to compete with people less than half her age.

Anybody with me here?

Smitty said...

Dara Torres? She's a total MILF. I am SO watching her races and cheering like crazy for her.

And yes, because I am also interested to see her win more gold medals against German women 20 years younger than her.

But also sorta because she's totally MILFy.

Mark said...

I'm just sorry the Bladerunner didn't make it to the games. If any of the Chinese refs tried to off him he could have totally decapitated them with his awesomely sharp legs!

Tiggy said...

I asked my sports-mad friend if waterboarding was an Olympic event yet. For some reason he seemed quite upset.

I think I meant wakeboarding. Still, it's an idea...

Rickey Henderson said...

George/Smitty: believe it or not, that was actually a poor attempt at humor on Rickey's part. Albeit a cantankerous one. Arguably, placing the weight of one's happiness on the outcome of a sporting event is a bad idea. But goddamn are they bad.

Bex said...

Hey, nice Wedding Crashers reference!! The rest, well, I didn't really "get" it. All I really heard was, "Sports blah blah blah, more sports, blah blah blah, Motorboatin' son of a bitch, sports blah blah blah...."

(But it was still funny.)

Rickey Henderson said...

Jesus effingham Christ. Would you have preferred LOUD NOISES instead? Look, you people can't hop on here, post a 'meh' comment, and not expect Rickey to defend his work like an angry eight year old after someone has stomped on his sandcastle at the beach.

Bee said...

My TV will be on *off* during the Olympics.

The committee that made the decision to have China hosting should be relegated to armpit sniffing. That might be a step up from their current air quality.

Stephanie M said...

love your photoshop and litebrite man. :) Rickey did good.

Bob said...

My biggest two issues with the Olympics:

1) They banned the only team I felt like chearing for this year: Iraq.

2)All sports that aren't decided by scored points or a timer, but instead decided by "artistic" impression" or some other criteria decided by a judge. Eliminate all judged sports and the remainder might be worth watching.

Ms. Henderson said...

Wasn't the Iraq Olympic team admitted at the last minute by the IOC? Rickey thought he heard something about that. Seems like a shame to deprive the world of seeing the famous Iraqi "human pyramid" display, no?

Alice said...

WTF? Are those little crosses stuck in that guy?

Don said...

Hello,

May I suggest a link related to the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games?

Our site:

URL: http://www.2008chinaolympics.com
Title: Beijing Olympics

Please let me know if you want a link back.
Many thanks for your reply.

Best Regards,

Don
chinaolympics8@gmail.com