Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Rickey's Theater of the Imagination: In Space, No One Car Hear You Clap Yo Hands

"Michael J. Massimino is a Mets fan in a high place. And soon to be even higher. When he blasts off next month aboard NASA's space shuttle Atlantis, he'll be taking a piece of Mets history with him. An Oceanside native and lifelong Mets fan, Massimino will have a home plate from Shea Stadium. 'One of the things we can do on space shuttle missions is take items from organizations that are meaningful to us,' Massimino said." –Newsday, 8/8/2008

[Scene: Aboard the space shuttle Atlantis, in orbit thousands of miles above the earth, several NASA astronauts engage in a friendly conversation.]

Massimino: "Hey guys, you know how I’m a big Mets fan right? Well, I brought up something special with me on this trip: a home plate from Shea Stadium. Look!"

Astronaut #1: “Nifty!”

Astronaut #2: “Wow!”

Astronaut #3: “Neat-O!”

Astronaut #4: “Just once, I wish somebody would bring up porn.”

Massimino: “Pardon?”

Astronaut #4: “All I’m saying is that we should be seeking out strange new worlds and banging alien broads, blowing up asteroids the size of Texas right before they collide with earth, and faking moon landings. But no, instead we’re stuck in a boring tin can thousands of miles from home. So excuse me for wanting some non-sports memorabilia derived entertainment. Did you at least bring some smokes?”

Astronaut #3: “Clamor down Rudy, space madness is no excuse for space rudeness.”

Astronaut #1: “Wait, what’s that scribbled on the top of the home plate? Aces Diamond Rio? Sagebrush Annie? Poco's Black Charger?”

Massimino: “Hm, those sound like racehorse names, Paul Lo Duca must have written his racetrack picks on the plate.”

Astronaut #2: “What else you got there?”

Massimino: “Well, I also brought Carlos Beltran’s mole. Due to its immense mass, it has its own gravitational pull, and NASA believes it could prove valuable for scientific experimentation.”

Astronaut #3: “Gee whiz, what else did ya bring?”

Massimino: “I also brought along Aaron Heilman’s sense of self worth.”

Astronaut #3: “But I see nothing….”

Massimino: “Exactly. Technically, it’s anti-matter.”

Astronaut #1: “My god, it’s full of stars!”

Astronaut #4: “What about space-weed? Did you bring up any space-weed?”

Massimino: “No, sorry, but I did bring up this: David Wright Space Tang! The only Tang endorsed by David Wright!”

Astronaut #2: “Well I suppose it’s better than the Derek Jeter Ford Edge Challenge Space Ice Cream cross promotion we’ve been subjected to…”

Astronaut #4: “Damnit, I want rum! Rum and whores!”

Massimino: “Hm, let's see what else I've got here... Moises Alou space-diapers, Wille Randolph's guide to cabin depressurization, Ryan Church's motion sickness pills... Ok, maybe you’ll like this last one Rudy, I brought up Rickey Henderson’s deck of playing cards from the 1999 NLCS.”

Astronaut #4: “Better than nothing I suppose. Gimme.”

[Posted at Humor Blogs]

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Alex L said...

I feel a strange kinship with Astronaut #4.

Rickey Henderson said...

Yeah astronaut #4 is probably the only worthwhile element in the post...

Smitty said...

I too truly enjoyed Astronaut #4. I always wondered what happened up there when they took female astronauts with them...

Mikey P said...

Well done! Smitty, Astronaut #4 is clearly a woman. Wrap your brain around that...

The Common Man said...

I've always wondered what happens when two conflicting personalities are stuck on the space shuttle together. Or the International Space Station. One is clean, the other is neat. One believes the universe is largely composed of dark matter, the other believes that space itself is empty, the space between the things. And that dark matter is just something astrophysisists made up to sound smarter. And one drinks Coke and the other Jack Daniels. Oh, I smell a sitcom.

Ha! Aaron Heilman's sense of self-worth. Are they storing that in the same place at Matt Guerrier's?

margaret said...

At the risk of beating a dead horse, is Astronaut #4 single?

leigh said...

i'm pretty sure astronaut #4 is my husband.

Mike said...

1998 NLCS

Looks like Massimo hit the space weed after all.

Rickey Henderson said...

Yeek, that was 1999, wasn't it?

And to clarify things: Astronaut #4 is Rickey, your neighbor, your brother, your friend, your countryman, and pretty much men everywhere.