According to recent news reports, the opening ceremonies at the Beijing Olympics may not have been entirely on the level. Indeed, the organizers apparently chose to have a young girl lip sync to a song which was actually sung by a markedly less attractive young girl. Quite frankly, we don’t see what the problem is with telling a talented young girl that she is too ugly to appear on national television. In fact, we wonder: why can’t the Mets adopt a similar strategy for the remaining games in their regular season?
Aaron Heilman. Hands down, nothing dampens Rickey’s otherwise cheery disposition like watching Aaron Heilman jog out of the bullpen. We yearn for a pick-me-up rather than this worthless bum. Our suggested replacement? Barney. He’s friendly, large, purple, and exceedingly difficult to dislike. Granted, with his stubby tyrannosaurus forearms, he might have issues getting the ball over the plate, but unlike Heilman, at least he won’t be giving up any home runs while on the mound (just a shitload of walks). Come on, like you wouldn’t get up and cheer for Barney bounding happily out of the bullpen? Pull the trigger, Omar.
Duaner Sanchez. The man just hasn’t been the same since coming off his surgery and it pains Rickey to see him struggle to hit 88mph on his fastball. So to alleviate the depression caused by watching repeatedly him lob meatballs, we’re suggesting that the Mets hire George Lucas to digitally replace Duaner Sanchez with the CGI prairie dog from “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.” If that movie has taught us anything it’s that even the worst debacle, be it cinematic or athletic, can be vastly improved with the addition of a computer generated critter. It worked with Jar Jar Binks in the recent Star Wars movies, right?
Pedro Feliciano. Just all over the place unpredictable, this guy almost makes Rickey long for the heady days of a juiced up Guillermo Mota dazzling batters. To fill in for Feliciano, we find ourselves in need of a bit of humorous levity, which is why we’re going with Deputy Dawg. Indeed, Deputy Dawg’s shenanigans are light hearted and frivolous, whereas Feliciano’s are sad and tragic. As an added bonus, the Mets could easily team him up with Vincent van Gopher for further hilarity.
Scott Schoeneweis. Overall, he’s had a decent year, but lately the rug has been pulled out from underneath him and Rickey gets the unnerving feeling that he’s living dangerously with each pitch he throws. We need comfort, which is why we’re suggesting that Schoenweis be replaced with the computer generated likeness of Uncle Ben. Uncle Ben, he’s a warm and comforting reminder of the simpler things in life: good cooking and casual racism. We’re sure he’ll be a big hit with all the Mets fans who cried for Lastings Milledge to be traded last season.
Billy Wagner. He’s currently on the DL anyway, so this is pretty much a no brainer: digitally insert Hans Moleman from the Simpsons. Why? Because no one is gay for Moleman and it’s high time that changed. Furthermore, according to Simpsons lore, he used to sleep with Lars’ grandmother from Metallica, which segways perfectly into him coming out of the bullpen with “Enter Sandman” blasting on the PA system. Get on this pronto, ad wizards, because according to his scouting report, Moleman has mastered the low and away slurveball.
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