Thursday, August 14, 2008

Your (Begrudging) Weekly Mets Update: The “A Blight is Upon Us!” Edition

According to recent news reports, the opening ceremonies at the Beijing Olympics may not have been entirely on the level. Indeed, the organizers apparently chose to have a young girl lip sync to a song which was actually sung by a markedly less attractive young girl. Quite frankly, we don’t see what the problem is with telling a talented young girl that she is too ugly to appear on national television. In fact, we wonder: why can’t the Mets adopt a similar strategy for the remaining games in their regular season?

Jerry Manuel is considering making drastic changes to the bullpen, anyway, right? Forget finding new talent (there isn’t any), surely there are more promising and visually pleasing faces they could put out there, yes? Because just as the nation of China is repulsed and horrified by an unattractive young girl singing it’s national anthem, so too is Rickey by the sight of various relief pitchers trotting out of the Mets’ bullpen. So let’s take a peek at several possible replacements that could restore a glossy and positive sheen to a formerly prominent baseball club’s bullpen, shall we? (Please note that these suggestions are meant to be introduced with digitally enhanced fireworks).

Aaron Heilman. Hands down, nothing dampens Rickey’s otherwise cheery disposition like watching Aaron Heilman jog out of the bullpen. We yearn for a pick-me-up rather than this worthless bum. Our suggested replacement? Barney. He’s friendly, large, purple, and exceedingly difficult to dislike. Granted, with his stubby tyrannosaurus forearms, he might have issues getting the ball over the plate, but unlike Heilman, at least he won’t be giving up any home runs while on the mound (just a shitload of walks). Come on, like you wouldn’t get up and cheer for Barney bounding happily out of the bullpen? Pull the trigger, Omar.

Duaner Sanchez. The man just hasn’t been the same since coming off his surgery and it pains Rickey to see him struggle to hit 88mph on his fastball. So to alleviate the depression caused by watching repeatedly him lob meatballs, we’re suggesting that the Mets hire George Lucas to digitally replace Duaner Sanchez with the CGI prairie dog from “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.” If that movie has taught us anything it’s that even the worst debacle, be it cinematic or athletic, can be vastly improved with the addition of a computer generated critter. It worked with Jar Jar Binks in the recent Star Wars movies, right?

Pedro Feliciano. Just all over the place unpredictable, this guy almost makes Rickey long for the heady days of a juiced up Guillermo Mota dazzling batters. To fill in for Feliciano, we find ourselves in need of a bit of humorous levity, which is why we’re going with Deputy Dawg. Indeed, Deputy Dawg’s shenanigans are light hearted and frivolous, whereas Feliciano’s are sad and tragic. As an added bonus, the Mets could easily team him up with Vincent van Gopher for further hilarity.

Scott Schoeneweis. Overall, he’s had a decent year, but lately the rug has been pulled out from underneath him and Rickey gets the unnerving feeling that he’s living dangerously with each pitch he throws. We need comfort, which is why we’re suggesting that Schoenweis be replaced with the computer generated likeness of Uncle Ben. Uncle Ben, he’s a warm and comforting reminder of the simpler things in life: good cooking and casual racism. We’re sure he’ll be a big hit with all the Mets fans who cried for Lastings Milledge to be traded last season.

Billy Wagner. He’s currently on the DL anyway, so this is pretty much a no brainer: digitally insert Hans Moleman from the Simpsons. Why? Because no one is gay for Moleman and it’s high time that changed. Furthermore, according to Simpsons lore, he used to sleep with Lars’ grandmother from Metallica, which segways perfectly into him coming out of the bullpen with “Enter Sandman” blasting on the PA system. Get on this pronto, ad wizards, because according to his scouting report, Moleman has mastered the low and away slurveball.

[Vote for Rickey’s post at Humor Blogs]

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Anonymous said...

I was under the impression that this franchise had moved to Des Moines.

Thanks for the update.

PS - Brett Favre is a flaccid tool.

Smitty said... you take it all back now after last night's game?

Rickey Henderson said...

Not really... whomping on the Nats aint exactly a feat of strength and until Rickey sees otherwise, their bullpen is still atrocious.

The Common Man said...

Would Barney be singing? I mean, obviously not in China, a far more svelt and hip (the kids are still saying "hip" these days, right?) dinosar would be singing there. But would Barney be singing on the mound? You wouldn't like him then, Rickey. You'd be praying to Aaron Heilman, my friend. What about Elmo. It's difficult not to instinctively be amused by Elmo.

damon said...

The new team photo is gonna be really cool.
Kinda like a muppet reunion!

Harris said...

hey rickey,

weirdest thing is how you still hear how the Mets are unwilling to include Heilman in trade talks.

right now, i'd trade him for a bowl of tomato soup.

rock on,


Sully Sullivan said...

We used to have Pretty Boy Schoeneweis up here in Toronto. Interesting fact about him...he only has one testicle. Honestly true story.

The Acorn King said...

I'm a Yankees fan, has our friendship come to a screaming halt? If it's any consolation, I the Mets taking down the Sox in the '86 series was a religious experience for me. Ranks right up there with Aaron Fu*#ing Boone.

Rickey Henderson said...

You're just noticing this now? The bouncing car with the Mets emblem didn't tip you off earlier?

No, your exceedingly poor taste in baseball teams will not effect your relationship with Rickey. It could be worse... you could be a Red Sox fan... How's that recent 3-7 road trip treating you?