Thursday, August 7, 2008

We Now Return You to Your Regularly Scheduled Brett Favre Update…

That muffled thumping sound you’re hearing is Chad Pennington repeatedly banging his head against the wall. Rickey usually doesn’t pick up the sports pages until later on in the day, but apparently it has been somewhat of an eventful evening for you Jets fans. Rickey’s received three text messages in the past hour from inexplicably joyful Jets fans happily anticipating the dawn of a new era for Gang Green. Rickey’s quick response to all of them: “why haven’t you hung yourself already?” Sorry but unless watching a sixty four year old quarterback repeatedly overthrow his intended receivers is the sort of thing you’re into, this is incredibly bad news for you Jets fans out there.

While ESPN et al., had spent the past weeks pontificating where Favre would end up (we had our money on Beijing and/or Mars) Rickey became increasingly mystified over the media infatuation with an athlete well past his prime. A quarterback whose “gunslinger” reputation is better characterized as a stubborn willingness to toss long bombs into triple coverage. Have fun with that, Jets. We’re just glad that it’s all over, because if you ask Rickey, Favre was rapidly approaching “crowbar to the kneecap” territory. And now, Rickey, being a Giants fan, feels compelled to dictate the following open letter to Jets fans everywhere.

Dear Jets Fans,

HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA

What, was Vinny Testaverde unavailable?

HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA

Ah… but seriously, no way in hell can the Jets’ offensive line protect him…

HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA

Well, we suppose a long interception is just like a punt if your offense can tackle. Oh no wait, they fucking can’t.

HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA

Maybe you guys can trade him to Minnesota for a first round draft pick…?

HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA

Remember his cameo in “There's Something About Mary” roughly 25 years ago? Dude seemed old back then…

HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA

No really Favre, have fun solidifying your legacy as a New York Jet.

HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA

Sniff… wooo… ah… good stuff. So when Favre’s arm literally detaches from his shoulder and the Jets are forced to resort to the quarterbacking skills of one Kellen Clemens, the New York sports media will respond in a cool headed and retrained manner, yes?

We're told that tossing hail marys into quadruple coverage is the past time of choice over at Humor Blogs. Proceed there post haste and rate Rickey's post.

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21 comments:

Deb said...

I kind of have the same feeling about this Favre thingy, Rickey.

But in fact, what the Jets are doing is going METS on us, with Favre being next year's version of this year's Moises Alou.

What is it with these teams that rhyme????? lol

Rickey Henderson said...

True, but at least the Mets didn't bill the aqusition of Julio Franco as the dawn of a glorious new era, right?

Smitty said...

They can have him as far as I'm concerned. Now the Lions can actually beat the Packers.

He had a decent end of the season last year, and should have called it good. But now? Now he gets to end his career with some sort of bone-shattering injury incurred via an O-line that's not even capable of stopping slow-moving pudding on a team whose record will be nearly as bad as the Lions. Way to fizzle an otherwise Hall of Fame worthy career. Bret Favre, slouching towards retirement.

Jeff said...

All I can say is we dodged that overthrown bullet here in MN. Whew!

The Common Man said...

Yeah, Vikings fans everywhere are breathing massive sighs of relief Rickey. That wind you feel in Wisconsin is the collective exhaling of every Minnesotan who was worried that #4 would be wearing purple next year. What a debacle? It's Johnny Unitas to the Chargers all over again.

George said...

Favre being next year's version of this year's Moises Alou

Favre pees on his hands? Well, that will teach the folks who intercept his passes.

AT22 said...

I thought he was 52. My bad.

Chris C said...

It gets better. The big rumor is Pennington was already contacted by Miami today after being released. If the Dolphins sign him the week one matchup vs the Jets should be very interesting.

Cannot wait for week two- Pats vs the Jets. I wish I lived back in jersey so I could taunt their fans hehe.

Alex L said...

Pssst... dont tell John Madden that Favre isnt jesus!

Harris said...

hey rickey,

Depends if Jets are getting Favre from last year (who was awesome) or Favre from two or three years preceeding that (when he sucked).

Also, I doubt Pennington is banging his head against the wall - he was gonna be a back-up this year anyway - he is prolly thrilled to get his release so he can start for whomever.

Lastly, the Jets have upgraded their O-Line - signing a big free agent or two, so that wont be an issue.

The biggest problem may be whether Jet receivers can get accujstomed to catching his bullets after Pennington's floaters.

Whenther Favre sucks or not, the Jets season has just gotten a lot more interesting.

Rock On,

Aitch

Rickey Henderson said...

Harris: if their O-Line can give Favre his usual 80 seconds to sit in the pocket then toss a long bomb, then yes, everything should be hunky-dorey.

Chris: how about swinging by NY... perhaps Rickey can replay this past Superbowl for you? That went exceedingly well for the Pats, yes?

Anonymous said...

"gritty gunslinger" = white guy.

Mike said...

Let one Jet fan pipe in here: This move sucks.

I'm nauseous.

Bee said...

BWAHAHAHA!! Dude! That was hilarious!! I've got tears streaming over here!

The Acorn King said...

I had to stop watching ESPN the other day, too much Favre. I can't take it! With that said, GO BILLS!!!

leigh said...

brett favre on a bad day is better than david carr on his best day. he's all yours now!!!

Chat Blanc (aka Sandy) said...

I think Rickey summed that up nicely. Including the Favre is NOT Jesus part and the HAHAHAs.

Diesel said...

So this Favre person... he's old?

Sully Sullivan said...

It could go one of two ways...I'm talking, of course, about his shoulder when it detaches itself from his torso.

As for the Jets. Now they may go 7-9 instead of 4-12.

George said...

Aaron Heilman

HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA

Dorky Dad said...

As a Minnesota Vikings fan, I just want to say about the whole Favre episode ....

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!