Thursday, August 28, 2008

Your Weekly (But Not Every Week) Political Dispatch

Rickey was having a conversation with a friend last night and the topic of sports and politics came up. Rickey’s buddy asked if he would be ok with John McCain winning the presidency if the Mets were to win the World Series. Rickey paused and replied that he’d probably take that outcome. It was not an easy decision, but it was Rickey’s and Rickey’s alone to make. Rickey’s buddy wisely pointed out that if McCain were to be elected, every able bodied man, woman, and child would be promptly drafted to fight a three front war against China, Russia, and Iran, thereby effectively ending baseball as we know it. Well yes, true, but not before the Mets won the World Series, and you know what? We’re kind of ok with that. It’s still better than Bob Barr being elected and the Cubs winning the Series--that's not a world we want to live in.

Now we’ll be the first to admit that Rickey knows almost nothing about politics. But let’s be honest here, neither do you. You know absolutely nothing about what’s going on out there and you’re completely unequipped to make a rational argument about anything. It’s not your fault really, it’s simply that reliable news sources do not exist. The mainstream media relishes in the spectacle of a neck in neck horse race, and will do anything to sell you a story that sticks to that script. And while you may enjoy reading your pet political websites such as Daily Kos, Andrew Sullivan, Salon, or the Huffington Post, you’re really doing little more than reaffirming your broad preconceptions on the state of things. Mazel tov, Frank Rich agrees with you, so fucking what?

So what does Rickey recommend that the befuddled observer do in the absence of reliable new outlets? Go with your gut. No really, do it: follow your instincts. In short, be as grounded, anti-intellectual, and irreverent as humanly possible, because in the end, it matters very little who wins because money has already tarnished everything and the best we can hope for is a candidate with a sliver of honesty and integrity who will make it easy for everyone to get abortions. (You know what governments get shit done? Dictatorships. We should look into that). So forget the punditry, forget the expert opinions, forget the blatantly insulting three word mantras the candidates use in their speeches. What do your feelings have to say about John McCain or Barack Obama? Listening to your gut allows you to hone in on some of the more frequently overlooked elements of the race such as whether to not it’s wise to elect a president who is just now learning to use the internet… ….or if it feels right to vote a guy whose advanced age makes him look more and more like Billy Bob Thornton from “Sling Blade” every time you turn on the television… …or if it’s wise to support a candidate whose name not only bears a resemblance to the guy who threw Hans Gruber off the Nakatomi Towers Building, but furthermore, a candidate who probably believes he did.

Based on everything Rickey has seen (not read, not been told, but seen) John McCain is categorically insane, and if the Obama Campaign were smart, they’d stop characterizing him as “more of the same” or “four more years of Bush” and instead portray McCain as he actually is: a short tempered lunatic with the potential to be vastly worse than Bush. And while Rickey’s isn’t exactly starry eyed for Obama, at least he isn’t prone to uncontrollable fits of rage, and therefore has Rickey’s vote by default. So go with your gut and see what it tells you, because we think you'll find Obama a bit more preferable to the dude who wants to rekindle the Cold War and kill us all …unless the Cubs make the World Series and Barack Obama starts bragging about it during the campaign. Then Rickey’s totally voting for Bob Barr.

[Posted at Humor Blogs]

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18 comments:

Toasty Joe said...

John McCain wants to put on a giant pink strap-on and butt-fuck the president of Iran! Friends, that's not change...that's more of the same!

Mike said...

I'll take the Mets-McCain ticket as well.

Fuck it, after 40 years on this mortal coil, I at least want the joys of a World Series victory in my visions as armaggedon strikes.

Rickey Henderson said...

Goddammit Toasty, that's brilliant. You owe Rickey a new keyboard.

Mike, at least you remember 1986 buddy. Rickey was in first grade and hadn't fully discovered the joys of being a Mets fan at that point. 2000 was like Rickey's Woodstock, how sad is that?

steves said...

I would be fine with the Mets winning, just don't bring back that awful song from '86...how did that go?

Rickey, for someone that claims to know little of politics, there is wisdom in your advice.

unfinishedrambling said...

Rickey: I'm glad you're hear to point that out about the McCain-McLain connection. But I really loved that part of the movie: Gruber (Rickman -- ah, I see you don't like a fellow Rickey getting thrown out a window - it all makes sense now) getting tossed out the window, arms flailing for the gun-- classic. I'm conflicted now. I wish you hadn't brought that up. ;)

Rickey Henderson said...

Steves: Lets go Mets go! Indeed, a mightily painful song. What about "The Curly Shuffle"? You cool with that?

Smitty said...

McCain as he actually is: a short tempered lunatic with the potential to be vastly worse than Bush

I see commercials with McCain's face superimposed over a painting of Napoleon.

steves said...

What about "The Curly Shuffle"? You cool with that?

Fine by me. To be fair, most team related songs are bad, with the exception of the Superbowl Shuffle. McMahon is a brillant dancer.

The Common Man said...

"And while Rickey’s isn’t exactly starry eyed for Obama, at least he isn’t prone to uncontrollable fits of rage"

I was beaten severely by Barak Obama several years ago for suggesting that drilling in ANWR might help alleviate some of the country's dependence on foreign oil. I don't remember much, but I distinctly have the impression of teeth sinking into my right bicep (which, itself, left an impression) and someone grabbing my left nipple and twisting...hard. I woke up the next day in a bathtub full of ice water, with a hole in my back and a note that said "You should get to a hospital quick, and tell them you're short a kidney; but you can't because you're one of 40 million uninsured Americans. Bitch." Obama's rage thinks global, but acts local.

Rickey Henderson said...

The whole push to drill in ANWR is populist bullshit--even McCain himself admitted that the benefits to drilling there would be "psychological." The fact that we're still driving vehicles powered by oil is the bigger problem.

That disagreement aside, Rickey does see where you're coming from in regards to the hero worship that Obama gets. The fervor for him can be a bit much.

Lately, Rickey has seriously been thinking that in order for anything to get done anymore, we really do need to be ruled by a despot.

The Hypocritical One said...

It is my belief that the President does very little that can affect the common man---except choose to go to war--in which this current president has made some severe mistakes.

I mainly focus on my state's politics...choosing between redneck A and B.

The Common Man said...

Well, what I didn't mention was that by the end of the whole thing, I saw things Barak's way and agreed to support him for President (what can I say, nipple twists are terribly persuasive). That said, violent temper dude. Don't get him going on steel tariffs.

Jeff said...

So what kind of deal do I have to make to get a Super Bowl win out of the Vikings?

Rickey Henderson said...

Eight years of Perot.

David said...

McCain's willingness to go to war and his temper bother me. I'm not totally sold on Obama but I like what I see so far.

Since we do have a two party system, I think it is good to change which party sits in the White House and occasionally shaking up which part is in charge in the Senate and House.

That way, the pendulum can swing back and forth for some hope at a reasonable medium and keeps from swaying the country too far for too long.

Jeff said...

Oh, a step UP from the current administration!

Rickey Henderson said...

Sure, you say that now, but wait until he outlaws sneezing and replaces all high school biology textbooks with "Mr. Magorium's Magic Emporium."

muskrat said...

i want gridlock. having the president and the congress of the same party for several years only meant excessive pork barrel spending and promising. who the president is doesn't matter as much as having the opposite party in power in congress, so that the government will just leave us be. so, i guess that means i gotta be for the old elephant this election but keep the donkeys in power in congress.