Friday, August 15, 2008

Rickey Recommends

This is where Rickey posts recommendations of noteworthy consumables, practices, and pastimes that have been deemed invaluable for the reader’s betterment. All products and pieces of advice listed herein have been Rickey tested and approved. Again, this is in no way shape or form a complete rip off of McSweeney’s (fa-la-la-la-la, lawyers, Rickey can’t hear you). Enjoy our latest installment of

RICKEY RECOMMENDS

Exorbitantly unhealthy Italian sandwiches. It’s essentially a man-law, every now and then you need to eat like Tony Soprano by consuming 8,000 calories in sandwich form. Here’s what you do: go to the nearby Italian deli (preferably one with an autographed picture of Rudy Giuliani hanging on the wall where they name all their sandwiches after mobsters and Yankees players) and order a sandwich consisting of provolone, fresh mozzarella, prosciutto, genoa salami, pepperoni, hot and sweet soppressata, and sweet cappocola, piled high. Granted, it’ll fill you with enough nitrates and sodium to kill a four-hundred pound man twice, but hey, you only live once, and a few chest pains are well worth it considering just how ridiculously good this thing tastes. Because in Rickey’s book, nothing is better than hearing an EMS technician say “look, he’s fallen, but he won’t take his hand off the sandwich!”

Getting to the point. Here’s the deal: Rickey has a ridiculously short attention span, so whatever you’re going to attempt to tell Rickey better damned well be concise and to the point. When Rickey’s eyes glaze over, that’s a sure indication that he’s day dreaming of karate chopping you in the neck. It’s not as much of a critique about long winded people as much as it is a commentary on just how introverted, misanthropic, and curmudgeonly Rickey has become as a person. So when in the presence of Rickey, you’ll need to accommodate for this by seeking out new and exciting means of communication such as manipulating your genitals as shadow puppets.

Brewing one’s coffee with a French press. Rickey strongly encourages this practice of coffee making because it allows for the grounds to remain in direct contact with the water, therefore capturing more of the coffee’s flavor, resulting in a far superior coffee than an impotent little electric coffee machine could ever produce. Not a big fan of purchasing French goods? Fine then, just call it a “Freedom Folgers” coffeemaker if it makes you happy. See if we care.

Learning to avert your eyes when the situation calls for it. Rickey swears to Christ, there’s this one old and incredibly out of shape guy at his gym who doesn’t even work out. He just comes there to hang out in the men’s locker room naked, and that’s all he does. Talking naked, walking around naked, sitting on a bench naked, bending over to pick things up naked. It’s horrifying. This is where the aforementioned averting your eyes trick comes into play. Just remember to turn it off, because having to witness sights like this can result in one walking around like Stevie Wonder, completely unable to make eye direct contact with another human being for weeks.

“Fans” by Kings of Leon. As a rule, Rickey is a sucker for anything musically related to kings and/or queens (“A King and A Queen” by Okkervil River being a prime example), and this song has one a helluva of a great line: “Those rainy days, they ain’t so bad when you’re the king.” Rickey’s not one to guarantee things often, but we guarantee that if you listen to this song at least once a day, every day for two weeks, your penis will get bigger and you will actually become bulletproof.

Not being afraid to appear unsophisticated in one’s food preferences. Sorry culinary aficionados, but “pasta sciue sciue” is pure bullshit. It’s not even a real word damnit, just a bunch of gibberish. Rickey hates pretentious nonsense like this with the fire of a thousand suns and a million stars. How would you like it if Rickey were to prepare “chicken potpie balki balki” and pawn it off as fine cuisine?

Fringe. Priding himself in being somewhat of a trendsetter, Rickey would like to give you a heads up on this upcoming fall television show involving fringe science. It’s a total show for geeks, and is entertaining, funny, well acted, and very reminiscent of the X-Files. In particular, we’re big fans of the disgruntled Joshua Jackson character whose casual sexism towards the main female character is curiously funny (coming soon, a drinking game in which the viewer takes a shot every time Josh Jackson refers to the main character as “honey” or “sweetheart”). All around, a very fun sci-fi show. But don’t take our word for it, check out the pilot for Fringe hither and tell us we’re wrong.

Being honest about one’s bad habits. Ok, here we go: at work, Rickey picks his nose like a fiend. We’re talking non-stop nasal excavation. In this regard, Rickey is like an 80 year old man who simply does not give a fuck. The thinking is that if Rickey’s going to spend the bulk of his day working his ass off in an office building then he’s entitled to pick his nose with reckless abandon and his coworkers will just have to accept him for it. This is the truest, most sincere paragraph that Rickey has ever written in this blog.

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13 comments:

Alex L said...

I defy anyone to tell me they can clear their nose better by blowing it rather than picking it. The finger just works better.

Matt said...

What mobster/former yankee is the sandwich named after?

Rickey Henderson said...

Hmmmm, the Sal Fasano, perhaps?

The Hypocritical One said...

Oooh yes...looking forward to Fringe.

Bob said...

Fringe was already broadcast? Damn, I missed it. I guess I will watch online.

Dig the list, totally agree with the French press. I am totally comfortable with my own patriotism and American-ness to still use the word "French" when describing certain potatoes, breads, coffees or other consumables.

BTW- I have come to the conclusion that Rickey is one of the best writers in blogdom.

I may totally rip off Rickey’s idea one day and do one of my own lists over at Around the Keg.

RMatlack said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
RMatlack said...

For those concerned about their patriotism being questioned, I believe you are safe as long as you use these coffee mugs when drinking your coffee prepared via "French Press".

I use mine to make coffee, cappuccino, and poppy tea...I agree, this method rocks, and it by far the best way to brew coffee.

Mr Furious said...

I'm a nose-picker myself. In the car as well (as if I'm hidden from view?).

If I ever get in an accident, the airbag will drive my finger straight into my brain cavity—killing me instantly.

Mr Furious said...

Had a French press when I lived alone in NYC. It's a pain in the ass.

More than it's worth in my opinion.

Rickey Henderson said...

Bob: Fringe hasn't aired yet. Streaming online content on the internet is a wondrous thing. See where Rickey's going with this? (Cheers for the compliment, Rickey digs).

Furious: How is it a pain in the ass? One pours boiling water in, pushes the plunger down, and voila, coffee!

unfinishedrambling said...

I'm jealous of the Italian deli. We live in upstate Pa. and we can't get a good roll to save our lives or to take away our lives, as these sandwiches surely will do.

Michael Halbrook said...

Before I go back and pull the French Press out of the back of the cabinet and dust it off, I'll need someone to give me some better ideas & insight on how to wash it. It was the worst (obviously, since it's French) kitchen implement I've ever owned. Not because of the quality of the coffee (it rocked) but because of the difficulty of getting the grounds out of it and getting it cleaned.

Any pointers appreciated.

Rickey Henderson said...

Rickey assumes you're talking about the mesh part of the plunger? Rickey just rinses the plunger apparatus for the press under warm water with a sponge and presto, all the grounds are gone.

Perhaps your press is faulty. Rickey recommends upgrading to the Bodum Chambord 12-Ounce Coffee Press.