Thursday, April 24, 2008

Your Weekly Linkage!

*You know, call us nuts, but that looks an awful lot like one of the kids we featured in our Finger Jousting expose last year…

A little while back, we mentioned that Rickey had taken time out from his busy day to enter a little contest over at Mark Rayner’s website. Now, we’ll freely admit that Rickey’s submission isn’t nearly as awe inspiring as some of the other entries in that contest, but if the Clinton presidential campaign has taught us anything, it’s that the best way to react to insurmountable challenges is by fabricating entirely new realities and outright falsehoods. And that’s where you come into the picture. Here’s what you can do: proceed to the post by clicking here and vote for Rickey’s submission (it's the "E-Secretary" one) in the panel on the lower right side. Is this cheating? We don’t know for certain. You’ll have to check with Mark, but Rickey sees no reason why this practice wouldn’t jive with the maple syrup swilling flannel wearing constitutional monarchy free balling way of life they just seem to love living up there in Canada. So go vote—Rickey has his eyes on the prize. And now on to the links…

In our quest to fill your daily quota of ridicule and scorn for all things Disney related, we bring you a news story about a mother assaulting someone for cutting in line for a ride at Walt Disney World. What was that ride, you ask? Why the Mad Tea Party, of course. (Although it would’ve been equally funny had it been Aerosmith’s Rock n’ Roller Coaster ride).

Fresh off his latest cinematic masterpiece, “In The Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale,” Uwe Boll figured it would be a bright idea to contact gaming developer Blizzard to inquire about making a “World of Warcraft” movie. Their epic response: "We will not sell the movie rights, not to you...especially not to you.”

This week in our latest installment of “How Not to Run for Public Office,” we proudly present the tale of one Tony Zirkle, a fellow seeking the Republican nomination in Iowa’s 2nd District who thought it a bright idea to give a speech at a birthday party for Adolph Hitler. Quoth the Zirkle: “I'll speak before any group that invites me; I've spoken on an African-American radio station in Atlanta." Yeah, well uh, best of luck getting a call back from them Tony…

And if that didn’t remind you of why you’re seriously contemplating permanently relocating to France, take a look at Michelle Malkin’s venomous post analyzing which terrorists support which Democratic Candidate. Mmm, now that’s good bile. Cute stuff Michelle, but it’s nowhere near as funny or original as the “Ask A Jihadist” spoof column in last week’s New Yorker in which a fictional Ayman al-Zawahiri states: “Al Qaeda is only interested in American elections to the extent that we can plunge them into abject chaos. So this year, as in every other year, we are supporting Ralph Nader.” (Read the entire New Yorker column, it’s a riot).

The promo poster for Season 7 of “24” has been released. (In case you haven’t been with us since the early days, Rickey’s a bit of a “24” nut). The good news? Tony Almeida is back, soul patch and all. The bad news? Bill Buchanan looks eerily similar to Neil Patrick Harris. And who’s this John Billingsley guy who’s been cast in the show?

There's always room for Jell-O, right? Usually we’d say yes, but not when a tractor trailer flips over and spills it all over Interstate-95. (Bill Cosby seen fleeing scene).

If you’re like Dr. Katz, the chief mental health official of the U.S. Veterans Affairs, and you’re trying to draw attention away from the fact that there are 12,000 suicide attempts by veterans each year, it’s probably a bad idea to start your emails with the phrase “sssh!” But in Dr. Katz’s defense, it’s tough to get across to shell shocked Vets when you’re an animated squiggly character.

The park officials at Lowry Zoo thought a moat could contain a group of Patas Monkeys, and how very wrong they were. It’s like “The Great Escape,” but starring monkeys. Paddle, monkeys, paddle! Paddle for freedom!

The Seattle Mariners are doing something very nifty at their ballpark: allowing fans to order food, beverages, and access a live game feed, free of charge, through their Nintendo DS during games as Safeco Field. Now that’s an innovative use of widely-available technology, but it comes as little surprise given the fact that Nintendo owns the Mariners (and every goofball quote that comes out of Ichiro’s mouth). Asking for a similar service at Shea stadium will most likely earn you a slap upside the head and an abacus thrust into your hands.

And a quick check in with the Mets reveals that:

1) Everyone seems to have completely forgotten how to hit the goddamned ball.

2) We’re another two weeks away from Pedro Martinez being able to throw off the mound and only a mere month until we get reports of his latest “setback.” (Sorry, but we’ve done this dance for the past two years now and know all the steps by heart).

3) Thanks to a voodoo hex placed on it by the Figueroa family, Orlando Hernandez’s foot will remain in a boot for two more weeks.

4) After much deliberation, Willie Randolph has gone with his gut and decided to have Moises Alou and Angel Pagan roll a 12 sided die to see who gets the position in left field.

But on the bright side, Johan Santana (aka Baseball Jesus) continued to earn his paychecks last night, and thereby saved you folks from having to read an angry “Weekly Mets Update” column featuring a picture of a pilot ejecting from a fighter jet just it slams into the ground. (We’re saving that one for later!)

Punching out,
-Rickey

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9 comments:

Zoinks, he said. said...

How many of your readers are Canadian, and therefore able to understand your dig at election procedures up here? One, I'll bet, and he has decided to offer a little more information, just in case everyone thinks we have a corrupt electoral system which leads to sham elections, like they have in Zimbabwe, Russia or the US.

The Conservative Party of Canada not only overspent the limit on the last election, records show, but they also funneled this money through local candidates' offices, thereby implicating them in the nefarious scheme.

The upshot? A Conservative minority, for one. They can't even win for cheatin'. And they got busted recently by Elections Canada.

Not to slam other jurisdictions and how they go about electing their mouthpieces, but just to offer a clarification, because you stirred my patriotism, such as it is.

Rickey Henderson said...

yeah, as a rule, any generalization of a nation of peoples that includes the description "free-balling" should probably not be taken seriously. With the exception of the Toronto Blue Jays, Canada as a nation does pretty much everything we do down here infinitely better, and then some.

Rickey apologies to our Canadian overlords for the misunderstanding.

leigh said...

good luck. i voted for you!

disney can be brutal. we went in december. i even saw santa waiting in line on xmas morning. he looked a little jetlagged from all his deliveries (or maybe he was just hungover) but he was nice enough to pose with the kids anyway.

you can read about it in my post "merry xmas to all now shut the $*&% up, part 2."

http://leighonline.com/?p=36

Chris C said...

Being the scifi nut that I am I know who John Billinglsy is. He played Doctor Flox on Star Trek Enterprise.

I'm pretty sure the politicians are just as incompetent and self-centered in Canada so just change the names to your leaders and it will be funny to you.

Smitty said...

a mother assaulting someone for cutting in line for a ride at Walt Disney World.

I'd rather take my family to China for the Olympics, with all the anfry protests, harsh security and bad air quality, than take them to Disney. We have had friends come back from Disney with scars. Scars. Physical and mental.

Dr. Tundra said...

My last trip to Disneyworld was ruined by all the terrifying Walt clones feasting on roast baby.

The elections in Canada are not shams. What happens once the politicians get in office definitely is. (And I for one, liked the accuracy of the "free-balling" comment.)

maybe i can help... said...

I'm assuming you've seen this. After voting for Rickey, head on over to sign the Uwe Boll petition.

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