Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Rickey Recommends

This is where Rickey posts recommendations of noteworthy consumables, practices, and pastimes that have been deemed invaluable for the reader’s betterment. All products and pieces of advice listed herein have been Rickey tested and approved. Again, this is in no way shape or form a complete rip off of McSweeney’s (fa-la-la-la-la, lawyers, Rickey can’t hear you). Enjoy our latest installment of

RICKEY RECOMMENDS

Keeping meat in the freezer. Rather handy if we may say so ourselves. Rickey makes a habit of stocking his freezer with an assortment of meats and poultry at all times, just in case those Dust Bowl days return.

The musical stylings of Bruce Springsteen covering Pete Seeger on “We Shall Overcome: The Pete Seeger Sessions.” Rickey’s not a huge fan of The Boss, but this is one helluva great tribute album. Sorry we’re about two years late in recommending it, but Rickey’s a fairly busy guy, you know? For all you folks out there who are unfamiliar with the living legend that is Pete Seeger, pop this CD in your stereo, then batten down the hatches and prepare for rapture. Things are not as you expected. This stuff is pure revelation.

Victor Brand Yellow Jacket Traps. Those segmented-bodied pests pack a punch. Rickey learned this hard lesson firsthand when two weeks ago, one hid in a pair of his sweatpants and proceeded to sting him on the buttocks, forcing Rickey to panic and hastily disrobe in front of an open window, thereby causing much confusion and alarm in the Henderson household. (Generally, it’s a tad unnerving when your significant other shrieks and suddenly strips naked with no prior explanation or warning). Anyhow, this product traps Yellow Jackets with an alluring blend of carbohydrates and protein. Mmmm… attractive.

Lavazza Brand Coffee. Vacuum packed, sweet, rich & balls out spectacular. If Bacchus had gotten into drinking coffee rather than wine, Lavazza would undoubtedly have flowed freely from his succulent nipples. It’s just that good.

This American Life. At the gentle nudging of a buddy, Rickey gave this radio program a shot and we’re pleased to report that the results were overwhelmingly positive. You wouldn’t think that listening to their podcasts would make for the best auditory accompaniment for a workout, but guess what? They do. This American Life is terrific, riveting stuff and you won’t hear anything like it elsewhere.

Lime flavored Tostitos. Rickey, as a rule, loves all things lime-related: key lime pie, limes in Coronas, limeaide, lime Rickys, etc., but these chips take the cake. Lime flavored Tostitos have earned themselves a spot in the annals of Rickey’s favorite snack foods of all time, right next to dill pickle flavored potato chips. 2008 is the year of the Lime Tostito in the Henderson household.

The Scottish Enlightenment. A big shout out to those Scots who usually get subordinated to their French counterparts. Who cares if Rickey agrees with them or not? We'd put Hume and Smith against Diderot, D'Alembert, and Condorcet any day of the week. Oh yeah, and an added bonus: none of them lost their heads. Don’t act like you don’t know what Rickey’s talking about, Mr. Pierre "reparation d'un long oubli" Bayle…

Many Hours of Daylight. You know, the upcoming longer spring and summer days make Rickey think that maybe having a home in each hemisphere might be a champion idea.

Seeing “Shine a Light” in IMAX. Rickey’s not sure why so many folks snidely suggest that the Rolling Stones should retire, but hopefully this Scorcese film should cure them of that gross misconception. Besides, why should anyone stop doing what they love? For those not in the know, the movie focuses on the Rolling Stones emerging from their lairs to show all those overexposed emo garage bands how Rock & Roll should be done by recording at The Beacon in glorious IMAX. What more could you possibly want?

Jet Blue Airlines. Long gone is the golden age when air travel was considered a luxury and necessitated one dressing up for a flight in a top hat and monocle. So hats off to Jet Blue for dispensing with first class altogether and giving each passenger ample leg room and a tv to watch Oprah on. Air travel stinks, but Jet Blue goes a long way to suggest that hey, we’re all in this together. Not booked with Jet Blue for your next flight? That’s a bummer dude. Consider flagellating yourself like an Opus Dei member in the airplane bathroom at 30,000 feet.

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23 comments:

Toasty Joe said...

Rickey got stung in the ass by a yellowjacket? How does this NOT merit an entire post unto itself?

Rickey Henderson said...

Well Rickey has told you the entire story: bee hides in Rickey's pants, bee stings Rickey on the buttocks, calamity ensues. What, you want it retold in iambic pentameter? Puppet theater? A Marcel Marceau style rendition? An operatic production? Wait, those are all good ideas. Damnit, we dropped the ball.

Toasty Joe said...

I mean, the possiblities are limitless. Where're the pictures? Where's the Simpsons reference ("A bee bit my bottom! Now my bottom's big!")? Where's the biographical back story of the bee? Get to work, man!

Mark said...

You know, you just don't see enough endorsements of the Scottish Enlightenment. ('Cause all the other Enlightenments are crap!)

Haley said...

Three things:

1. As a Jersey girl, it's been encoded in my genes that if Bruce is on the radio, I can't change the station. I just can't. My wrist becomes weak and I can't bring your thumb and forefinger together to grasp the dial.

2. Last summer I had to whip my t-shirt off in my backyard when a yellow-jacket tried to unhook my bra and accidentally took a chunk out of me. I will have to keep some of that miracle killer on hand to exact vengeance.

3. I'm running away with Ira Glass if the opportunity ever presents itself. This American Life is the best thing ever.

George said...

It seems yellow jackets just want to get people to undress. Odd, given they wear jackets.

Ryan said...

Ricky,

I have to ask how you feel about the whole Rick Rolling episode. You a fan?

Anonymous said...

Rickey, needs to get a life, Rickey needs to stop blogging as his blog sucks dog shit.

Statler said...

Just to corroborate Haley's assertion, everybody who hails from the Garden State has a chip implanted in their brain that forces them to love the Boss and Bon Jovi. Take any five of us, fill us with sufficient liquor, and a receive an off-key rendition of "Livin' on a Prayer" absolutely free as the microprocessor shorts out.

In your opinion, was the outcome of the Phils/Mets game just 1 out of 162 or another manifestation of the Rollins hex? FYI, I was living in Philly when he made that pronouncement. What they always leave out of the coverage is the sheer number of babies he sacrificed to the Dark Gods of Baseball (Lord GIDP, Lady K and Injury and Error) before making it.

Rickey Henderson said...

Haley: these bees are a menace. Some sort of legislation needs to be introduced to outlaw them, environmental consequences be damned.

Ryan: The whole Rick Rolling thing is moderately funny Rickey supposes. It's leaps and bounds beyond playing another teams song (Sweet Caroline) or the theme song from Friends (that delamitri earfuck). But ultimately, the reason why this song cannot be selected is that it's title, "Never Gonna Give You Up" simply doesn't jive with the Mets' bullpen performance as of late.

Statler: being engaged to a Jersey girl, Rickey is all to familiar with what you and Haley speak of. Rickey has long ago made peace with the fact that at least one Bon Jovi song will be played at the wedding...

Toasty Joe said...

Ooo! Will it be "Blaze of Glory"?

Rickey Henderson said...

Rickey's leaning towards the melodic, hard-driving and passionate "Runaway" or perhaps even the sultry slow burn of "I'll Be There for You."

(Oh sweet merciful christ, fucking shoot Rickey now).

Haley said...

Righteous! I'm bringin' my lighter!!

I may even spray my bangs up into that old school wave to commemorate the magical day.

Ryan said...

In that case, what about the Top Gun theme?

I know your pain, Ricky. So far the Sox middle relief has been on loop to the Apocalypse Now soundtrack....

Haley said...

Every rooooose has it's thoooooo--o-o-orn...

Erika said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rickey Henderson said...

Haley: indeed.

Ryan, you mean "Highway to the Danger Zone"?

Ryan said...

Yes

AmyV said...

lavazza.

best. coffee. ever.

and when you go to rest stops in Italy. REST STOPS, on the highway (and even those coffee shops in train stations), that's the coffee they serve. now do you see what's wrong with this nation?

Statler said...

I think a slightly modified version of Livin' on a Prayer is really what you want:

"Ricky used to work on the blogs..." etc.

Smitty said...

The Smitty family loves the Seeger sessions. So well done that Smitty is willing to ignore the fact that he otherwise finds Springsteen a little dull.

Rickey Henderson said...

Statler, that's brilliant...

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